Allocations
by Saavik13
Summary: Earth's new monetary system means sacrifices for everyone. Amanda Grayson is no exception, she's just a little more creative than most. Her creativity lands her in the employ of one Sarek of Vulcan and education takes on a whole new meaning.
1. Anger

It was raining and cold and dark and Amanda was feeling anything put charitable towards her fellow man. The over arching hypocrisy of her entire species was gnawing at her, irritating what little sanity she had left. How dare they go around saying they didn't have money anymore? They were beyond that. Hah.

She stared down at the payment book, oh excuse me, credit/deduction schedule, with complete disgust. Four years of university, 7 more studying for her PhD and this, one universal truth staring in her in the face- no matter how lofty the society, teachers got paid jack shit.

It really didn't help that off worlders were in such demand for university positions. She's always wanted to be a professor, like her uncle and her mother. But no, all that education, all those student loans – no wait, _educational vouchers_, and she couldn't get hired anywhere. Didn't matter that she was fluent in 13 different non-human based language forms. Didn't matter that she'd spent two years studying at the Vulcan Science Academy as well as her time at Oxford. Nope. None of it mattered because she didn't have blue skin or pointed ears, or a third sex or feathers so no one would touch her. How could a human linguist compare to an alien, even if the human knew the same things? Wouldn't you rather learn the language from a native speaker? She really couldn't blame anyone for that, but when it expanded to learning any language from any alien, native speaker or not, she'd started to get a little pissed.

So she ended up teaching Spanish, French, and German to a bunch of pimply faced, snot nosed, ungrateful high school students. It wouldn't be half so bad if she could teach something a little fun, maybe Klingon? But noooo, extraterrestrial languages can't begin until university! Damn pro-earth nut cases getting legislation through for _that_ but not to guarantee her a job. Of course, it would also help if they allowed corporal punishment. No wait, _capital_ punishment. Earth would progress so much faster if they could remove certain students from the genetic pool. Permanently. If a disproportionate number that fell to the culling happened to be students in Amanda's classes, students that annoyed her to the point of a chocolate addiction and the beginnings of a migraine disorder then so be it.

Amanda bunched the schedule in her hand into a small tight ball and hissed her frustration out between her teeth. Didn't matter, none of it did. She still had to make her payments on time. If she didn't they'd start garnishing credits from her _allocation_. She needed her PAYCHECK God damnit! Call it what you will, but people still needed money to survive. Basic living requirements might be free but if you wanted something larger than a small cell you had to pay for it. To keep the family's home theirs they had to pay the taxes on it, large taxes designed to make people give up their land rights to the government. Amanda would sell her soul to the devil before she let the government take her family's house away from them. It had been in the family for 7 generations. It wasn't much, just a few aches on a lake in the middle of nowhere, but it was _theirs_! No one had allocated it to them; it wasn't handed out like so much cheap produce. They'd earned it and kept it up and improved it…and Amanda had to pay her share so they could keep it.

Summer break was one month off. One month of credits and then she'd have to go three months without a paycheck, or allocation, or stipend, or whatever fancy wording you wanted to use for the credits she needed to pay her loan and her part of the taxes. She'd have to find a summer job. There was nothing for it. Only, jobs don't grow on trees, she'd learned. With the change from loans to vouchers, paychecks to allocations, there was a also a switch from "jobs" to "societal engagements".

Everyone was guaranteed an "engagement" that suited their talents and their abilities. For their time they were granted an "allocation" of credits to buy "luxuries" and to use towards repaying "vouchers" that had to be taken out to ensure that their "abilities" matched the "engagement" they wanted. All in all it wouldn't be that bad if everyone's allocation was the same, or if it was based on the amount of vouchers required to get one's engagement. That would be logical. Oh no. Somebody had invented some kind of an equation to measure the amount of societal benefit derived from an engagement and that was used to calculate allocation. In Amanda's opinion teachers should have topped the list. As usual, her opinion didn't matter and instead teachers were paid, or allocated, somewhere towards the top of the second from the bottom tier. There were five tiers.

So now she had to find an "engagement" off the books. She could only have one real job, so whatever she found had to be something not paid through the Earth's allocation system. That meant she'd have to either find work off planet or for someone not Earth based, possibly not Federation. She was a linguist, and a damn good one, but the sort of people that would need her talents and not be part of the allocation system tended to be shady. Dangerously shady.

It wasn't something that bothered her too much, but how in the hell does one find them to get an interview? It's not like they advertised in the paper.

Amanda had confidence that in a few years the kinks would work themselves out in the new monetary system they'd put in place, but for now it sucked. It had sucked for the last three years and it was going to continue to suck for the foreseeable future. For now she was going to have to try and find a smuggler, or pirate, or gambler, or something else she didn't want to think about, that needed a good translator. And fast. She punched up a search page on her computer and started looking, careful to not set off any governmental spyware.

Two weeks later she still didn't have gainful employment for the summer and two warning letters for surfing questionable content on the Federation's open access systems. And she still wanted to kill off a good portion of her student body.

Amanda wasn't generally a cynic, but she'd starting to get bitter and frustrated somewhere around her second year teaching. She'd worked so hard to get what she wanted in life. She'd studied and trained and gone so far as to leave Earth for two years to study languages on Vulcan of all places. She'd done all that and she wasn't wanted. Her talents weren't needed or appreciated. She might as well not have bothered. It…it was infuriating. And now she couldn't even find a job for an illegal shipping corporation or something, anything, that would give her enough credits to make it through the summer. If she could just pay off those damn educational vouchers she'd be okay. Her cousin was living in the house and paying most of the taxes. Her share was pretty small. She'd be able to hack it.

Amanda sighed and marked another "D" into the grade book. She really couldn't blame them, her unruly students. They wanted to learn off world languages, like she had. They didn't want to learn things that wouldn't help them outside of Earth. They needed to know Vulcan or Andorian or Tellarite or one of a hundred other alien languages. Interesting and culturally important Spanish and French might be, but it was only useful if you stayed on Earth. So many of the kids in her classes dreamed of the stars. Maybe if they all left there wouldn't be such a crush for space, Amanda thought harshly, and the property taxes would fall.

She'd just about given up hope and was preparing to go to her cousin with her tail between her legs when the impossible happened. Her old friend from the Academy, T-Lar, sent her a message. They'd kept in touch and T-Lar was as critical of the new allocation system on Earth as Amanda herself. Luck for once seemed to smile on the young woman. T-Lar's husband's brother worked for the Vulcan Consulate. They needed a translator that was fluent in Vulcan, Andorian, and Earth Standard for a shipping rights conference that was coming up. The new "universal translator" worked well, but it missed nuances and implied meaning. Vulcan translators had a tendency to do the same thing when it came to Andorian. They'd discovered that human translators were more adept at the 'highly emotional language'. And neutral in the politics. So the Earth was hosting and they needed a human translator. T-Lar had advised her brother of the current situation with "allocations" and he'd advised the new ambassador, his boss. It seemed that Ambassador Sarek thought the situation illogical and after reviewing Amanda's credentials had agreed to follow T-Lar's advice and offer the temporary position to the lowly high school teacher – sight unseen.

Amanda almost danced she was so thrilled. Finally, some real work to do. Thank God she'd made friends with T-Lar all those years ago. That woman was an incredible linguist in her own right, although she was far better at code breaking than Amanda. T-Lar had realized instantly the raw talent Amanda possessed and had helped her through the transition to life at the Vulcan Science Academy. As both their skills developed T-Lar started work as a code designer for the Vulcan military and Amanda had continued to study language broadly hoping to teach at University when she returned to Earth. At least one of them had prospered and was now in a position to help the other. T-Lar's skills had rapidly become renowned on Vulcan and her endorsement was as good as gold.

Amanda finished the last week of classes in something of a better mood, the shock of her students, and turned in her final grades with a flourish. The relief she felt knowing there was not only a _job_ but free room and board waiting for her in San Francisco was incredible. The Vulcan Consulate had guaranteed her employment for the next two months at double her annual teachers salary. Off books. As an employee of the Vulcan government there weren't even taxes. She'd be able to pay off almost all her vouchers and her share of the taxes after only two months work! Maybe, if she was really really lucky, the Ambassador would require a more permanent linguist on staff…


	2. Frustration

"There is no way I'm going back and telling him that." Amanda glared across the table at her blue skinned antagonist. "I like my head on my shoulders, thank you very much."

Shras Endilev, the Andorian ambassador's, antenna wiggled in amusement before a rather feral grin spread across his face. "Vulcans are pacifists. You have nothing to worry about. I'm sure they won't, what is the human expression? Shoot the messenger?"

Amanda sighed and resisted the urge to bang her head against the table. "You forget, I've been in that man's rooms. He's got nasty sharp things all over the walls. Pacifists don't decorate with weapons, Shras. I don't care what the media says. Those Vulcans are dangerous. And you get far too much amusement out of sending me off to him with unreasonable demands. When I took this job they said I was going to _translate. _Nobody mentioned I'd be playing a game of telephone! Or that I'd end up doing most of the negotiating instead of you lot doing your own work!"

The ambassador gave a rather human shrug, his grin showing off his rows of pointy teeth. "They pay you well enough, the Vulcan government, you can do a little running." He chuckled and ducked as Amanda threw her data pad at his head.

"You are so lucky I like you or I'd have aimed better." Amanda couldn't help but smile at him despite her irritation. They'd become good friends over the last month, their relationship slowly going from pure work to something close to comrades in arms. The other ambassadors in the negotiations were rude and rather annoying, but Shras had been pleasant if somewhat antagonistic and his honest curiosity about Earth had lead to many off work hours spent playing tour guide around the planet. Sarek had had to approve the outings and had done so with the theory that a happy Andorian would be a corporative Andorian. The Vulcan couldn't have miscalculated more if he'd tried. "What is it with you two anyway? The other ambassadors have all reached agreements and signed the damn trade treaty. You won't even sit down in the same room with Sarek."

"You've been in the same room with him. I shouldn't have to explain." Shras' antenna waved again in amusement. "I almost feel sorry for you pink-skin. So much time in such horrid company."

Amanda growled. "I'm starting to think I should have never taken this job. I'd strangle him in 10 seconds flat if he didn't keep that conference table between us like a shield. By the time I vault over it he'd have one of those things off the wall and I'd be cut in half. How have you put up with him all these years?"

Shras smirked. "Ah, Andoria and Vulcan have had centuries to refine their hatred of each other. You are quite correct, Vulcans are dangerous and Sarek is one of the most deadly of the lot, but it's not those weapons you have to fear. He's crafty, underhanded, and arrogant. The worst part is he's arrogant with reason. His family are virtual royalty on Vulcan and his matriarch is one of the most powerful and respected leaders in the Federation, has been since before there was a Federation. T-Pau is formidable and she's taught Sarek everything she knows. What Vulcan wants she usually gets and Sarek takes no prisoners for her in the process." Shras' antenna went straight back against his head in irritation. "I am delaying signing that treaty because it is all I can do to annoy that pointed eared menace. He's gotten the other worlds to align neatly and all to his benefit. Andoria deserves at least one concision for my signature."

"One concision. You just gave me a list of twenty!" Amanda stood up and retrieved her padd and shook her head at the readout. "Annoying as he is, this is punishing me not Sarek. This list is completely unreasonable and you know it. At least pare it down to five. Give me something to work with here! If you don't we won't get out of here in time to see that movie you wanted to watch. I could have gone yesterday with my friends from college, but oh no, you wanted me to take you and now you're games will keep us both from seeing it." She snorted in indignation. "Honestly, you two are just like the kids I have to teach. Too much testosterone the lot of you."

"Pink skin, you are so amusing when you are angry. You go red!" Shras sighed as Amanda growled at him. "Alright, give it here. I'll narrow the list and you can translate it into that gibberish they speak. I'd rather see that Western film anyway. I read the previews and it sounded far more interesting than Sarek can ever be anyway. I'll always take your planet's staged gun fights before negotiations with Vulcans." He grabbed the padd and erased most of the list, leaving a good 10 demands on screen. "Why can we not hold negations in standard now that the Tellorites are gone I do not know. Half the problem we are having is that you have to take an eternity to explain 'emotionalisms' to a Vulcan in Vulcanur."

Amanda shrugged and took the padd back. "I'm not complaining. This is job security. Besides, you and I both know how horrid your Standard is. And I'd still have to explain emotionalism to Sarek in whatever language we choose – After all, I'm more a cultural translator at this point than I am a linguist. I'm just glad I learned a bit of ancient Vulcan or this would be twice as hard since Vulcanur doesn't even have words for half the stuff you want me to tell him." Amanda glanced at the padd again and raised an eyebrow. "There just aren't any good equivalents in modern Vulcanur for statements like," She raised the padd to read off the line in question, "oh my. 'Die you dehydrated pestilent sand farmer'."

"True, their language is terribly dry." Shras gave another toothy grin. "You are remarkably fluent in Andorian. However did a human learn it?"

Amanda grinned and sat back down. "Oh, you'd be surprised what you can pick up on the entertainment channels."

He blinked. "You learned Andorian off _entertainment_ channels?"

"And the Vulcan Science Academy." Amanda chuckled. "They could teach the basics, but to really _learn _ a language you've got to hear native speakers talking to each other. It's always faster and more complex than anything you'll hear in the textbooks. Not to mention slang and common grammar and all that. I have an ear for language naturally which helps."

His antenna waved again and the ambassador licked his pointed teeth. "Well if the Vulcans get rid of you I suggest you contact the Andorian embassy. We could use a good translator for our negotiations with Earth anyway. You've been quite helpful explaining the culture here and cleaning up when the universal translator fails."

Amanda snorted. "Thanks, but I think my government's about to declare me a trader for aiding the enemy as it is. I mean, it's not my fault Sarek hadn't realized they were insulting him by purposely putting him under the cold air vent at _every_ meeting. I mean, how dense can he be not to realize that had to be on purpose? It really shouldn't have mattered when I pointed it out to him."

The Andorian's smile was again frighteningly toothy. "Vulcans would never stoop to that sort of negotiating tactic. Sarek did not realize humans would do so. He'd have expected that sort of thing from an Andorian. He will be wiser in the future. Vulcan has a great tendency to view your kind as childlike and probably thought your government did not realize what they were doing."

"Yeah, well this child is sick of his condescension." Amanda crossed her arms and eyed the clock in near despair. "I have to meet with him in 15 min. Ugh. Are you sure this is worth torturing him over? I don't think he cares how long the negotiations take. He'll wear us both down eventually."

"I am on my third Vulcan ambassador." Shras sniffed. "They always try to pretend they have more patience than the rest of us. Sarek has lasted the longest on these stalemates, it is true, but even he will eventually tire and give me at least the tariffs on wine production from the colonies."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Shras, you are impossible."


	3. Confusion

A/N: Needless to say this fic will not be completed prior to the movie release. Since I have little hope that I will like or accept the movie, I really don't care. I figure it's just visual fanfiction not canon so I'm going to ignore it and write this my way regardless. :) Just thought I should warn you.

* * *

"This is unacceptable, Ms. Greyson. You did not try hard enough, Ms. Greyson. Your skirt is too short for diplomatic attire, Ms. Greyson. You're human and thus below me, Ms. Greyson." Amanda muttered under her breath as she stomped away from Ambassador Sarek's office. "Who does that pointed eared, green blooded, overgrown Keebler wanna be think  
he is." She huffed and rolled her eyes at the two Vulcans that stopped to watch her pass, looks of disapproval on their faces. "I mean, does he think I have nothing better to do than sit around with  
Shras and come up with things to annoy him! The embassy did give me other things to translate too. Damn Vulcan busybody…" She trialed off as she rounded the corner and nearly ran into Sarek's aid.

"Hey, you – Sevok, wait a minute! I need to talk to you." She yelled out quickly as the grey haired Vulcan moved off away from her and down the corridor.

The Vulcan stopped and eyed her carefully before coming as close to a sigh as a Vulcan would willing get. "What is it you require, Ms. Greyson?"

Amanda jerked her head towards the empty conference room to their right and quickly ushered the irritated Vulcan inside. "How the hell do you manage to get along with that pompous ignoramus of a boss of yours?" Sevok had been unofficially mentoring Amanda since she'd started at the embassy. He was delightfully similar in personality to his sister-in-law T-Lar, if considerably older, and Amanda had taken an instant likely to the elderly Vulcan.

Sevok's eyebrow rose to impossible heights and he slowly sank into a chair waving at Amanda to take a seat as well. "I take it that your afternoon meetings with the Ambassadors did not conclude as well as you had hoped."

"That would be an understatement." Amanda sighed and handed over her data padd and let Sevok read through Shras' demands and then Sarek's counters. "I don't get it. They keep fighting over the most ridiculous things. All Shras really wants are the wine tariffs and Sarek won't give them up. It's not really asking for that much and they both know it. Instead, he's offering to meet only one of Shras' other half-hearted demands and what he's asking for in return might as well be half the Andorian home world. I know why Shras is doing this, but what in heaven's name could Sarek be gaining from this debacle? This is all so pointless! And I was only supposed to translate things, not do their jobs!" Amanda cried out and let her head fall to the conference table top.

Sevok slowly passed the padd back to her, nudging her lowered head with the edge of it till she blindly reached up to grab it. "Amanda, you are an excellent linguist, you intuitively grasp cultural nuances in other races faster than anyone else I have ever come across in the diplomatic service. But what you fail to realize is that Ambassador Sarek and Ambassador Shras consider this sort of activity a relaxing form of sport. They banter back and forth for interminable amounts of time, attempting to wear one another down, until finally one takes a misstep and victory is declared. For them, this is entertainment and diplomatic sparing between friends."

Amanda slowly raised her head and glared daggers at her fellow employee. "That does not seem very logical."

Sevok gave a rather human shrug. "Logic does not preclude bickering for the sake of intellectual exercise. This is good practice for them both and when things are quiet they tend to resort to this sort of behavior to keep their negotiating skills honed and to alleviate what you would think of as boredom. It reminds me of your planet's game, the one with the black and white ball. They run back and forth across the field trying to score meaningless points off one another but in the end no matter the outcome they will both be more relaxed for having played the game."

Amanda tugged at her hair in frustration and growled to herself. "I can't believe you guys are paying me as much as you are to act the part of the soccer ball."

Sevok's lip twitched with Amanda had come to know as amusement. "Then you will have even more trouble believing that I have recommended that Sarek add you to the staff permanently. I assume you do not mind travel?"

Amanda's eyes went large as she gapped at him. "Travel? You mean you recommended me for not just the embassy staff, but the Ambassadors personal staff?"

Sevok blinked at her in the way T-Lar had thought her meant yes. "You are wasted as a mere translator Amanda Greyson. We could use your human intuition during difficult negations with other emotional species. Sarek has particular difficulty recognizing when a situation has been precipitated by pure emotion rather than logic or even chance. He continually tries to find the logic in the situation even when none is readily apparent. He loses precious time searching for the cause and motivation behind the situation, motivations that you seem to easily recognize." Sevok nearly smirked. "Except of course when the individual in question is Vulcan in which case you make the same error as Sarek."

Amanda shook her head in exasperation. "Thank you, Sevok, for recommending me despite my lack of understanding when it comes to your species. And pardon me for assuming that one of the leaders of your people would behave in a logical manner, especially considering how often he bemoans my species, as well as myself, for lacking in it."

Sevok steepled his fingers and regarded her solemnly for a moment. "Amanda, you credit Vulcans with too much logic and dispassion. While it is true that we seek a path through life directed by non-emotional concerns it is unwise to conclude that all have found it. Or that the path when found is entirely devoid. We are directed by logic, we are guided by it. Nothing more."

"That's a startling admission, Sevok. I wouldn't let too many hear you say it or they'll think you've grown dotty with age." Amanda eyed him just as solemnly. "I don't think the lot of you are completely without emotion, I know better. I never thought I'd hear anyone admit to it and I guess I just assumed that Sarek wasn't quite this petty."

Sevok motioned towards the padd. "What you take for pettiness he takes in the same light as you would a chess game. Shras is a willing and informed participant. It is likely that they both discussed it in private and decided that your frustration provides an added demotion to their game and thus the increase of your duties beyond mere translation. I will admit that they seem to be…enjoying themselves more than usual. When I have been the "ball" in their bantering they tend to tire of it quickly finding my lack of response uninspiring. I respectfully suggest that if you are weary of their behavior treat them as you would the children in your classes that acted up to gain your attention."

"You want me to ignore them?" Amanda asked in astonishment. "How can I do that and still do my job?"

Sevok again pointed at the padd. "Deliver their messages electronically rather than in person. Do not attempt to broker a compromise. Report exactly what they say without adding your speculation or suggesting a solution. Do not show them how frustrated you are. Do not show irritation or weariness. They will quickly tire of their game and find their own solution and leave you be. If you keep it up long enough they will eventually stop using you to ferry messages back and forth and instead amuse themselves without involving you."

Amanda chuckled. "I can tell you've worked for Sarek for a long time."

Sevok blinked again in the affirmative. "I have been in the diplomatic corp. for nearly 100 of your years, Amanda. Sarek is not the first fellow Vulcan I have encountered with a tendency to bicker over pointless negotiations for personal gratification. His is considerably more sedate than some I have worked with. I plan to serve at most five or six more years before I return to my family on Vulcan and leave the diplomatic service. I find I tire of the constant travel. This sort of thing is best left to the young." Sevok's lip again twitched in the near smile that Vulcans used to show amusement. "You have great potential, Amanda. It is the unique experience of discovering such talent that has kept me in the diplomatic corp. through several Ambassadors." His voice let a little of his affection for Amanda show. "When T-Lar recommended you for this job she indicated that I would find you refreshing as well as promising. You have lived up to her words."

"Thank you." Amanda couldn't help blushing a bit at the complements. Vulcan weren't known for handing them out easily. She cleared her throat. "I didn't delay you from something important did I? I seem to remember almost yanking you in here to talk."

Sevok leaned back into his chair relaxing infinitesimally. "No. I had just finished my required tasks for the day and was on my way to see Sarek in case there was anything else he wished done before I leave for evening meditation. I have as much time to 'talk' as you require. However, you have to meet Shras for a movie do you not?"

Amanda snorted. "We're already too late. I told him this would happen. Anyway, I already let him know I wasn't coming." Amanda frowned at the padd before pushing it angrily away. "I feel like an idiot not catching on that Sarek was playing a game."

"Few would expect it of him. Of course, few know Sarek son of Skon all that well, at least not anymore." Sevok's head bowed a bit as if his words carried weight. "Vulcans do not do well alone, Amanda. We are by nature communal creatures. Sarek has been alone for some time and the strain is beginning to show."

Amanda couldn't help but let out a tiny chuckle. "Are you starting to gossip with me, Sevok?"

He arched an eyebrow. "Gossip? Never, Amanda. I am simply attempting to enlighten you so that you may begin to understand him better. Every species, every culture, has innate understandings that those born to them know without instruction or explanation. If you are to be offered this position and if you accept it, you will require a greater working knowledge of these areas and what it means to be Vulcan."

Amanda's forehead scrunched. "I spent two years on Vulcan and T-Lar is my best friend."

Sevok blinked again and then gave a human nod. "True. But you were on Vulcan as an academic and mostly confined to the Academy. T-Lar is still very young and somewhat progressive. She would not have thought to educate you on the more subtle areas of our culture. She has always been eager to learn of off-world ways and would not have squandered your time together teaching you of Vulcan when she had so little time to learn of Earth. Neither would she have expected you to need the knowledge."

Amanda nodded in understanding. "So what giant social error am I making?"

Sevok hesitated. "It is not that you are doing anything improper, Amanda. It is simply that you may not recognize all that you see around you." He leaned forward again till Amanda suddenly got the impression he was sharing a secret. "To off-worlders Vulcan presents one image. We have cultivated it, grown it to make our position stronger. It has lead to certain stereotypes, stereotypes we have encouraged. It is hard to argue with logic, so it is to our benefit if the universe perceives all our actions as motivated by that alone. As we have discussed today, that is not always so."

"But you can always make a damn good argument to make it seem that way." Amanda smirked. "I know you, Sevok. You could make an argument that it was only logical that you wear green today since it's a Tuesday, just like if you really wanted to you could make Sarek's game playing seem logical."

Sevok's lip twitched. "In a way it is. In a way everything is. The secret is that logic is subjective while at the same time irrefutable. Vulcans do not lie, but the truth is malleable. Logic can be bent. In order to survive long term exposure to Vulcans you will have to accept that which we are born knowing."

Amanda frowned. "So you're telling me that Vulcans do lie, that not every Vulcan is logical, and that even if they are they aren't, if they aren't they still are?"

Sevok gave off a pleased air. "Exactly. I do realize that on some level you knew these things. Life on Vulcan even at the Academy would have thought you that. What I believe you fail to grasp is the consequences."

"And those are?"

Sevok eyed the door making sure it was still closed before he lowered his voice. "Amanda, you make friends very easily. You have befriended both Shras and myself in a remarkably short amount of time and during a difficult negotiation. But if you join Sarek's staff this will by necessity have to change."

"Why?" Amanda asked, frowning.

"Because it will not be wise." Sevok actually sighed. "Sarek is lonely, Amanda. He is a widower and has a young son back on Vulcan. He is isolated by success- his family is highly placed, and combined with his position he is held in such high regard on Vulcan that few will treat him as equal. It is hard to find companionship with those that can only serve." Sevok eyed her carefully. "Amanda, eventually you will get over your irritation at Sarek and you will sense this loneliness. You did so with Shras and you have done so with me. You sought us out and attempted to alleviate what you saw as our suffering."

Amanda's voice was hesitant, "Is that a bad thing?"

"It is an unusual thing in politics." Sevok looked away. "It is also unwise with regards to Ambassador Sarek."

"All right." Amanda nodded her head. "But why? If he's lonely why shouldn't I try and make friends with him? I know it's not easy to be away from home and he's only been the Ambassador to the Federation for a little over a year. If his wife has passed away and he had to leave his son behind he must be devastated."

Sevok's eyes hardened. "Amanda-am. Please listen to me carefully. There are things you do not know, cannot know, about what it means to be Vulcan. We do not speak of it among ourselves and outsiders are forbidden the knowledge entirely. We are an ancient race and our past plagues us still. It is this past that haunts Sarek and eventually it will trap him. I do not wish for you to trapped alongside him. I know your heart and mind Amanda-am. Like all humans you wear your emotions plain to see and your actions show the nature of your character. You would not allow him to suffer but suffer he must as all of Vulcan must suffer. If you befriend him, he will see what I see. He will feel your compassion and your caring and will mistake it for what he lacks, what was broken when his bond died with his wife. He is young and he is unused to being denied that which he desires. He will convince himself there is logic in it and he will not be dissuaded. I know him as I know you, Amanda-am. He will do this."

Amanda swallowed thickly at the sound of her name with the Vulcan equivalent of "little one" added. Sevok couldn't have stated his concern for her more clearly than with the use of the suffix. "Sevok, I don't have any desire to try and steal Sarek from Vulcan."

Sevok shook his head, his eyes heavy. "Oh child, what if it is Sarek that wishes to steal?"


	4. Sadness

Amanda left Sevok in the conference room and walked quickly through the embassy halls, her mind in a whirl. What would make Sevok think Sarek would...have intentions towards her? They hated each other, or at least strongly disliked. She made it to her quarters without running into anyone and she sank gratefully onto her bed.

There were rumors, scandalous stories, that there'd been a Vulcan/human couple here or there. Racy novels and badly done netvids about torrid affairs were, if not common, than at least readily available. Humans loved the idea of making the stoic Vulcan fall apart. The fact that the species was strictly monogamous was even more tantalizing. So very few unbonded Vulcans ever left their home planet that few had ever even had the chance to attempt a seduction. Now Sevok was telling her she'd have to watch her step or she might do so accidently.

It didn't make sense. There were plenty of Vulcan women around, and other species too. Why would Sarek fixate on her? What did Sevok mean? Just by being nice and caring she'd attract him like a fly to honey?

Amanda took a shaky breath. T-Lar had told her years ago that most marriages/bondings were arranged on Vulcan, that families usually set them up during childhood. If that didn't happen, or if there was a death, the family would "suggest" a match. T-Lar had said something about it not always being a subtle suggestion…. Which would explain the recent addition of a young, unbonded, Vulcan female to the technical staff. Amanda couldn't quite remember her name, but she was constantly being called into situations that brought her into close contact with Sarek. Since unbonded Vulcans leaving their homeworld was rare, it would be quite a coincidence to have a matching pair at the embassy without someone doing so deliberately. It would also explain why the woman was always wearing something just this side of appropriate and usually skin tight.

Amanda might not know everything there was to know about Vulcans, but she knew enough about males in general to know when shaking your ass in front of one wasn't going to work. Whoever "they" were, and she was guessing it was T-Pau, they'd miscalculated. That hussy wasn't catching the Ambassador's eye. In fact he went out of the way to avoid her. Shras had even commented on it once. He'd said something about Sarek at least having taste...

But if he was so lonely why didn't he jump at the chance to get a little with the tart that so clearly was offering? He had to know what was going on. They'd have told him he was getting a mail order bride wouldn't they?

Amanda bit her lip. Better question, why was the trollop being all trollopy? If this was basically an arranged marriage she wouldn't have to break out the eyeliner and spandex. In two years on Vulcan Amanda had never seen a Vulcan act like that… except...

Right before her bonding T-Lar had mentioned how thankful she was that her future husband had agreed to bond early without inducement. It had been a customary arranged marriage and he was much older than her. His first wife had died in a shuttle accident and T-Lar's family had brokered a deal. They had not arranged a marriage for her in childhood in the hopes of just such a situation. They had bonded her to increase their social standing, Amanda remembered that much. And T-Lar had gone along with it quietly saying only she was thankful they'd bond _early_. That way she wouldn't have to do anything _undignified_ to catch his attention before it was too late. Something about how a broken bond could cause a lot of problems if left alone to long…become unpredictable, uncontrollable. And how sometimes the living partner could not accept another even if the cost was terribly high. In such cases it was the responsibility of the selected potential bondmate to entice the reluctant party into accepting a new bond.

Amanda sat up straight. What had T-Lar meant?

With a feeling of foreboding Amanda went to her desk and called up a channel to Vulcan. It would be early morning there. If she was lucky T-Lar would still be at home finishing her meditations.

When the call was accepted it took T-Lar only seconds to see the expression on Amanda's face and the line was flipped to a secure encoding of T-Lar's personal design. They would not be overheard.

"Amanda, what has happened?"

Amanda took a deep breath and told her friend of the conversation she'd just had with Sevok. T-Lar listened, one eyebrow slowly rising. "So what isn't he telling me and why would he feel the need to even say anything in the first place?" Amanda asked angrily at the end of her explanation. "It's not like I have any designs on Sarek!"

T-Lar was quiet for a long moment. "I have had some time to get to know Sevok as he is my husband's brother. He has served Vulcan honorably for many years in the diplomatic corp. He must be very impressed with your abilities to put you in such a position as to require this warning."

Amanda slammed her hand down on the table causing the screen to flicker momentarily. "T-Lar, what is going on?"

The Vulcan woman exhaled loudly. "Sevok has worked for Sarek for over one of your decades, Amanda. He served Sarek's father before that. Something in Sarek's behavior has lead Sevok to believe that you might possibly attract the Ambassador's attention in his unbonded state, despite the presence of the one that has been selected for him."

"I don't understand." Amanda shook her head. "Is that why there's only one unbonded Vulcan female at the embassy? They didn't want to risk anyone else interfering with the planned match?"

T-Lar blinked in the affirmative. "If I had thought a human would be at risk of doing so I would not have recommended you for the job. Sevok is taking a great chance that you will heed his warning should you gain this new position and avoid attracting the Ambassador's attention before he is bonded to this other. What I do not understand is why Sarek has delayed bonding with the one his family has chosen. It has placed this female in the very unwelcome position of having to attempt to draw his attentions for the safety of all. If what you say is true, she is having some difficulty and the traditional methods have failed or she would not have resorted to..." T-Lar's lip quirked slightly, "…to 'flaunting her wears' as you called it."

Amanda opened her mouth to ask what T-Lar meant but the Vulcan woman held a hand up to stop any questions.

"Amanda, Sevok was correct when he said there were things you could not know. All I can tell you, and even this must never be told to another, is that unbonded Vulcan males are dangerous, especially when they have lost a mate unexpectedly as Sarek did. There is a chance that he will require a female's company without warning. If this were to take place without this Vulcan female having bonded with him, or at the very least having captured his prior attention, he could attempt to take any female in the area by force – bonded or not. If he has already fixated on her, he will only seek her out. Sevok is concerned that Sarek has not shown an interest and has delayed bonding. If you were to be overly attentive to Sarek and it was near his time it is conceivable he would fixate on you despite the species difference. Especially if he misunderstood your natural human mannerisms and took them to mean the same things they would if done by a Vulcan female." T-Lar's voice was grave. "Amanda, I do not think you would survive the experience."

Amanda's mouth fell open. "You mean to tell me that woman parades around like a bloody peacock trying to get Sarek to want to shag her and isn't' getting anywhere but he might decide he'd rather have me if all I do is be _nice_ to him?"

T-Lar raised an eyebrow at her language. "Correct."

"You have got to be kidding me. Won't he be able to control himself?" Amanda asked.

"No." T-Lar's eyes darkened. "If what Sevok is concerned about were to happen, than no Amanda, Sarek would not be able to control his actions. That would be the primary reason for his posting to Earth. As an unbonded male it was safer for all concerned to remove him from contact with the majority of Vulcan females and limit his options to those chosen by his clan. Why he is refusing to preventatively bond I do not know. His first marriage was arranged. Perhaps he wishes this time to be of his own choice. If so, he will have to resign as Ambassador and return home in order to find a mate. T-Pau has narrowed his selection available on Earth in order to impose her choice. It would be conceivable that she has arranged the situation, both his posting and the presence of this female, due to Sarek's refusal to follow her direction. It would not be uncharacteristic of T-Pau to manipulate a situation in this fashion to maintain control. Sarek and his mother have not always agreed. As it now stands Sarek will either have to acquiesce to her choice, give up his career, or risk harm to another and his possible death."

Amanda stared at the screen wide-eyed. "Reading between the lines I get the idea that you all have a big bad secret you're keeping away from the little old humans."

T-Lar blinked yes. "Amanda, I will not tell you to turn down the position were it offered. I will tell you to be careful and to avoid familiarity with Sarek."

Amanda scowled. "Please define familiarity because my one example of what a female Vulcan would do to attract a male means I'm pretty safe since I don't even _own_ spandex."

"Do not touch him, even accidently." T-Lar began. "Do not offer him food or drink. Do not serve him either, that includes not pouring tea or passing a plate. Avoid sitting next to him or across the table. It is ideal if you keep out of direct sight as much as possible during informal settings. Use a varied sent, never the same thing and keep switching soaps keeping as much difference between the scents as possible so he cannot associate one with you solely." T-Lar raised an eyebrow at Amanda's disbelieving look. "I am serious Amanda. Do as I say in this. You will also need to dress as modestly as possible and keep your hair either bound or very short. Vulcan females only leave their hair free in the bedroom or when in mourning and you would do well to avoid any associations with either."

Amanda's nose scrunched in confusion. "Why would it matter if I was mourning?"

T-Lar gave the Vulcan version of a snort. "It is a sign of emotion and thus considered an attractant." She paused. "Also, Amanda, it would be a good idea if you kept either Sevok or another male in the room anytime Sarek is present. Do not be alone with him. Stay closer to the other male when you do so. Sevok is your mentor and by Vulcan custom that makes you something close to his daughter. He will warn you if you do something inadvertent. He will also insure that if Sarek shows any signs that his time is close that you are temporarily removed from the embassy." T-Lar let out a deep breath. "In all likelihood Sevok is being overly concerned. To my knowledge no human has ever managed to attract an unbonded adult Vulcan male. Sarek is logical. While he delays bonding with this woman his clan has chosen he will eventually acquiesce to their will."

"So why all the fuss and dire warnings?" Amanda asked.

T-Lar's eyes narrowed. "Sevok was correct that you do not know all there is to know about our culture. A Vulcan female would at least be aware that there was a danger, even if remote, while you were ignorant of the situation until his warning. Few would still turn down such an opportunity, but they would be cautious and watch for signs. You do not have the benefit of knowing what to look for in Sarek's behavior and are thus more vulnerable. Sevok was trying to protect you. The advice I have just given is so unconscious to most of us that when learning of Sarek's unbonded status we would have automatically adopted these behaviors with little or no thought on the matter."

"So it's really not all that bad?" Amanda asked softly. "This is just something I need to know for future reference, a cultural thing?"

T-Lar gave both a human nod and a Vulcan blink. "The danger is minimal. Sarek would not be foolish enough to ignore the early symptoms. Either he will bond to the chosen female or he will return home. His wife passed only a year ago. There is time."

Amanda breathed a sigh of relief. "You two had me worried for a minute there." Amanda chuckled. "So if I avoid flirting we're fine."

T-Lar raised an eyebrow. "I suppose you could call it flirting." Her lip turned up at the word. "You once told me you thought our society had an undercurrent of gender discrimination." Amanda nodded. "That is incorrect but what you noticed and took exception to was the protected status of our females believing wrongly that it stemmed from an attitude of inferiority or weakness. On Vulcan, marriage is mandatory and the females of a House and clan are considered very valuable. In the pre-reform days we held much less power and influence. Today a Vulcan male would do anything to protect his bond wife and to keep her content. His life and health depend on her good will."

T-Lar paused. "What you think of as flirting, Amanda, is how a female Vulcan would show her willingness to provide care to the male in return for his service and protection. By giving him food or drink a female tells him she will not force him to starve at her leisure, that his wellbeing is important to her. By her manner and dress she tells him she would welcome him to her bed. By her giving him attention and being _nice_ she says she will not cause him harm and will instead help him when the time comes. It is a very powerful message, Amanda. In pre-reform days women could be taken without question, their desires not considered. Now the matter is changed and our females have complete power over their Houses, clans, and males. We have moved from a patriarchal society to something of a matriarchy. From the male point of view a Vulcan woman has a great chance of treachery. She is to be feared."

"I'm not sure I follow all this. Are you telling me that by nature Vulcan females have a tendency to be…" Amanda paused. "Disloyal?"

"A bonding can end only in death. If a female is dissatisfied with her mate she will break the bond seeing to his death." T-Lar spoke calmly. "This has caused our males to be somewhat…paranoid. It is why marriages are still arranged. Not only can they continue to cement the great clans together they also insure that every male has a female. Since her family asks this of her as her duty to them, she is less likely to be…disloyal." T-Lar paused. "There is much of history here, Amanda. It is not often discussed."

"Guess I can't have you send me the book then huh?" Amanda sighed. "So, there's some power you lot have over your males that I can't know about. This power means you can effectively kill off a husband if you are displeased with him. So, that's way Vulcan wives rarely travel off world alone? And why they sometimes walk behind their husbands?"

T-Lar gave an affirmative. "We are protected after we have proven our loyalty. A wife that has done so is of great value. When a male walks in front to protect his bondmate he is publically declaring that she is of value, that she offers him more than the barest of duties. To off-worlders it often appears that we are being held back, but in truth we are being kept away from possible harm. The greatest tragedy that can befall a Vulcan is the loss of a loyal willing bondmate. The greatest gain, the loss of a hesitant one." T-Lar paused and swallowed thickly. "My husband's first wife did her duty and no more. She was not…supportive. She walked alone. Upon her death my husband was…relieved. He feared that one day, when the opportunity arose, she would have sought to break their bond. Because of this he was weary of me and rather cynical but agreed to the early bonding as his family willed in the hopes that my sense of duty to my clan would keep me loyal to him as it was their will."

Amanda bit her lip. "But you somehow proved you were loyal and willing beyond just satisfying your clan? And I can tell that because you're always together and he's always two steps in front?"

T-Lar dipped her head. "It was very hard, Amanda, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. To see him afterword…" T-Lar looked away. "It took some time before I could stand his presence without remembering... He thought I would be like his first wife and go to him only when I must and then only reluctantly. I had not been forced to do as this female does, to show my willingness prior to the bond. When arranged in childhood it is thought that bondmates will grow to…care for one another. That is why so many walk together, they were almost all bonded in childhood and their loyalty to one another is long established before the time. When arranged in adulthood it is…somewhat rare to find such loyalty. In time I grew to appreciate my husband, to go to him out of more than obligation. I am now quite valuable because I have proven that I will not abandon him if a better proposition arises."

"He knows you care for him." Amanda said quietly. "He knows you stay out of more than just your duty to your family."

T-Lar closed her eyes briefly. "Sarek is in great pain, Amanda. He had been bonded to his wife since he was seven years old. He knew her as he knew himself. Her death would have been like losing half himself. He may yet follow her." She opened her eyes. "As close as my bond is, and as strong as it has grown, it could not compare to a childhood bond. I am trusted, but I am still somewhat feared. Sarek is both devastated by loss and deeply concerned for his future. He is too well placed for this woman to break a bond with him. She could find not better match. But after having experienced the depth of caring possible in a true marriage bond, he may find it impossible to accept a lesser substitute."

Amanda whipped a tear from her eye. "That's…so sad. I can't imagine what it must be like to be mentally linked as you are, but to be linked and without even a little care or concern from your partner…"

"It is cold." T-Lar gave a tiny shiver. "You feel the other but there is no warmth. His suspicion of you makes the bond hard and sharp. You share nothing through it other than the barest connection." T-Lar pulled herself together. "Now that we have reached an understanding I have some idea of what Sarek has lost. When there is trust the bond is like a river, warm and life giving. It connects and flows and much is shared and gained. I grieve with him for his loss and I will hold out hope that this woman they have chosen will learn to care for him as I have learned to care for my husband. It is not an easy thing, but it is better than the alternative. For both."


	5. Loneliness

_A/N: Saw the movie. Interesting. I choose to believe, based on the portrayal of the Romulans, that this was already an Alternate Universe even prior to the reboot. __(Last I checked the Romulans didn't have all the body art but did have ridges...maybe they are really into body modifications and went from subcutanius inplants to tats but I doubt it.) __So the Spock we know is still on Romulus working towards Reunification and all is well in the REAL ST universe. The new guy can play with his bastardized creation all he wants. It can't hurt the real deal since, like the bearded Spock, his is a different universe entirely. Just don't get me started on what they did to that universe's Amanda... Otherwise, it was entertaining but as I thought it had the feel of fanfiction. Not bad, just not canon.  
_

_So, I'm entirely justified in enjoying it and then ignoring it.  
_

_And on with my story,...  
_

* * *

Amanda sat at the conference table and couldn't help but brood. It had been over a week since her conversations with Sevok and T-Lar and she hadn't been able to get either off her mind. She also hadn't heard a word about the position Sevok had recommended her for. In a little over a week she was going to have to leave to take up her classes again. She'd warned the school there was a chance she wouldn't be available and they were looking for a replacement. If they found one and it turned out Sarek wasn't willing to hire her she'd be without any source of income, allocation or not.

Amanda sighed and turned her head to look out the window. The ambassador in question was across the room talking in hushed tones to his aid. Sevok was taking down notes quickly on his padd, stylus flying over the screen. They'd been at this all morning. Sarek would dictate to Sevok who'd take it all down. They'd hand it off to Amanda to translate and go back to dictating the next part. Only it took them longer to work out what to say than it took her to translate it so she had long breaks between work.

Sarek had agreed to try and broker a peace treaty between two rival species on a planet bordering Federation space. While the trade agreement she'd been hired to work on wasn't top secret, this was. So she couldn't speak to Shras about it, which she desperately wished she could. She really could have used his advice on how to handle a situation like this. Although, Andoria wasn't really known for brokering peace treaties and Vulcan was so perhaps Shras wouldn't have anything worthwhile to say anyway. They'd taken off on this mission hours after her call to Vulcan had ended and Amanda had had little time to take it all in and she'd never gotten a chance to ask Shras if he knew more about the mystery that neither Sevok or T-Lar would fess up to. So between the whole bonding issue and this peace treaty Amanda was very confused and more than a little frustrated. And in desperate need of a non-Vulcan friend.

The situation was hopeless. She could tell right away there wasn't going to be a peace treaty. The two species had evolved on the same planet. Both hated the other with a passion. They shared the same holy lands, the same food preferences, and the same idea of ideal living conditions. They also hated sharing. They'd been trying to kill each other off for a millennia before first contact with the Federation. There wasn't even a hint that at any point in their history they hadn't been at each other's throats. They didn't want peace. They'd brought the federation, and thus Sarek, into the picture hoping that they'd be able to buy weapons or supplies. Each side was campaigning for support to kill the other. They were not going to listen to Sarek's logic. And Sarek was not going to stop trying till they all died of old age.

Amanda turned back away from the window and rested her head on her hand and watched the two Vulcans. She'd been watching them ever since Sevok had given her the warning. It was odd, the differences between the two. Sarek was so stoic, so proper and Sevok was rather the antithesis. Perhaps it was their ages. Sevok had a good hundred years on Sarek. Maybe age made the "logical Vulcan" image tame down. Sevok would joke with her and generally wasn't afraid to show some feeling, in moderation. Sarek was locked down tighter than a maximum security prison. Yet, Sevok seemed to be the one at peace. He carried an aura of calm that Sarek never seemed to manage.

Truth was, Amanda had always thought Sarek was tense. He constantly looked as if he was ready to spring. He never betrayed an emotion, but she always got the impression he was anxious.

Maybe she was projecting.

Maybe not.

Sometimes, if it was quiet and Sevok wasn't there she'd manage to catch Sarek unguarded. It was the eyes that betrayed him. He'd stop working for a moment and he'd stare out and she could see pain in the dark eyes. She'd missed it before, but now that she knew the reality of the situation she could see it.

Every time the female Vulcan would interrupt them it was even more obvious. Sarek's eyes would get hard and his voice even harder. He'd let her do her job, adjust the setting on the computer terminal or tweak a configuration on the com panel, but he'd usher her out as soon as possible. And then his right hand would twitch as soon as the door closed, as if it wanted to reach out and touch someone that was no longer there. Sevok would catch her eye afterwards, if he'd seen it, and they'd share a look that spoke to their sympathy for the ambassador. But no one ever said a word and no one discussed it again.

It didn't make him less of a bastard.

He still constantly berated her for the littlest things. He was always calling humans illogical or childish or some other insult. It made her mad enough that at times she tried to stifle her sympathy for him. It didn't work.

Sevok was right. She was soft. Now that she knew Sarek was lonely everything in her cried out to befriend him. If he was human she'd hug the death out of the man and let him cry on her shoulder. And then she'd hook him up with Kathy from the xenobiology lab at the university, who she had coffee with every Tuesday and who was always looking for a good lay.

But he wasn't human and Kathy wasn't a viable option. Not unless he wanted to end up on her exam table in a not very fun way.

Amanda sighed and went back over the last translation the two had given her to do. It was as good as it was going to get. She'd gotten the correct level of respect down by adjusting the verb conjugations to the formal usage. She'd added the proper honorifics. Sarek's attempt to make one side hear the other was admirable and she'd done her best to convey his message, but no matter how good the original material or how careful the translation, this, their twelfth attempt at getting both sides to agree to a proper negotiation, wasn't going to work.

At least she was off planet. This world was really quite pretty and if it had been safe to wander the streets she would have loved to have seen the markets up close. But it wasn't safe. Any moment fighting could break out again and she and the Vulcan team could get stuck in the middle of it.

Sevok handed her a new padd and took the old one. Another aid was sent off with her translation to the Orzicanti party inviting them to dinner tonight and she started work on the same invitation to the Yrziconty. Of course they might have the same holy land and the same diet, but their languages were vastly different.

By the time she'd finished the second invitation Sarek and Sevok were finished for the day. Sarek was sitting with his back to her and the room, staring out the window and across the city. Sevok took the translated padd from her and went to deliver it leaving her alone with the Ambassador, for the first time since she'd been warned.

Amanda knew she should follow Sevok. She didn't. Instead she sat down three chairs away from the Ambassador and looked at the window. They were silent.

When Sevok returned he raised an eyebrow at her but said nothing. He joined them at the window sitting close to Amanda but leaving her view of the Ambassador unobstructed.

It was nearly a half hour later that Sarek broke the silence. "You believe we will fail."

Amanda sighed. "Yes."

He turned to look at her. "Their reasons for continuing this feud are not logical. It is highly probable that my attempts at using logic to diffuse the situation will fail since they do not speak to the cause of the problem. As a human, do you have any insights that may increase our likelihood of success?"

Amanda closed her eyes before answering. "I wish I did, Ambassador. But these people, they don't want peace. The Orzicanti agreed to Federation arbitration because they think they are destined to rule the planet and that the Federation would see the justness of their cause and aid them if only a representative were to see the situation first hand. The Yrziconty thought the same thing. They both think their way is the only way and that anyone with any common sense would have to agree. So they invited you here thinking you would take their side and the might of the Federation would be brought to bear on their enemies. You can't fight that with outside logic. To them, this fighting and killing and dying is logical. To say otherwise flies in the face of everything they've been taught since birth. I'm afraid that until they honestly desire to end this conflict there is nothing you can do."

Sarek nodded slowly, a human habit she'd noticed Vulcans were picking up on rather quickly. "I must reluctantly concur with your assessment." He spoke softly. "The Orzicanti and the Yrziconty are unlikely to talk peace at this date. They are too interested in retribution and blame with little concern for their long term prospects. The past is living to closely with them to allow any thoughts for the future."

A bright flash went off outside the window and Sevok stood abruptly. "The bombings have started again, Ambassador. Our messages were not heeded. I recommend we leave for the shuttles. If and when they are truly ready for peace talks we will return."

Sarek blinked his agreement and stood up slowly from his chair, his gaze lingering on the now rapid bursts of color outside the window. "I do not understand them, Sevok. They have suffered such losses. What is the point in continuing?"

As they boarded the shuttle to leave Amanda couldn't help but think that Sarek wasn't just asking that question about the Orzi and the Yrzi. As his heavy gaze lingered on the fires burning in the city as they rose toward the starship that would take them back to Earth his right hand twitched.


	6. Shock

Her last day was tomorrow. Amanda walked slowly down the corridor clutching the padd to her chest like a shield, her head down. She was wandering with no purpose, simply walking the long corridors of the embassy as if to memorize them.

These past two months had been so heavenly, Amanda thought, her throat growing tight. She'd gotten to really stretch her abilities. She'd learned new things. She'd been given responsibility and trust and her opinion had mattered… She wasn't sure she could go back to the classroom after this. Back to mutinous teenagers that wanted to be anywhere but with her. That wanted to learn anything but what she wanted to teach them. Well, it hardly mattered. She wasn't going back. They'd filled her spot.

It was a good thing she'd paid off all the educational vouchers and this year's taxes on the house. She didn't have a penny left of the paycheck the Vulcan's had given her, nor any of the bonus Sarek had surprised her with on their return from the futile negotiations with the Orzi and the Yrzi. She'd put it all down on the bills and managed to in two months time get herself debt free. She had a whole year to find the money for the next round of taxes. Without the educational vouchers that wouldn't be too much of a problem if she moved into the allocated quarters she'd been assigned instead of renting a larger space.

Amanda clutched the padd even tighter. But where was she going to go? All her friends from university had long since graduated and gone their own ways. The last ones had finally given up and joined Star Fleet. Anne left a month ago on the _Farragut_. Tony was stationed on the Tarsus colony. Even Kathy had called and said she was taking a job off planet. Amanda was the last of her group to find a place she belonged. Only, she really had felt like she belonged here, had a purpose here. Ambassador Sarek must not have agreed because he'd not mentioned one word about Sevok's recommendation. Even her mentor did not know what was going on.

Amanda slowed her pace down and sighed. She'd just finished her last assignment, translating for a group of Mec'te'vos that wanted to apply for the Vulcan Science Academy. The VSA was now open to offworlders for short internships, like the one Amanda had done, and the Mec'te'vos wanted in. Only problem was they spoke so softly that even Vulcan hearing couldn't make them out. Amanda had to use an ear piece to amplify the sound of the voices and to drown out anything that wasn't speech from interfering with her ability to accurately hear what they were saying.

As she turned a corner she caught the sound of voices from the conference room across the hall and realized she'd forgotten to turn off the ear piece. She'd spent enough time around Vulcans that her immediate reaction was intense embarrassment for violating someone's privacy and she reached up quickly to turn the device off when the second voice spoke again and she recognized Shras. Reacting quickly, Amanda scanned the corridor and found she was alone. She sneaked across the hall and managed to squeeze into a supply closet next to the conference room and instead of turning off the amplifier she turned it up. Shras and Sarek's voices were easily made out even through the thick walls.

"You want me to what?" Shras' voice was shrill. "I can't believe you, Sarek! The girl's got talent. She wouldn't be the first non-Vulcan you've taken onto your staff. You're a Federation Ambassador, not just a Vulcan one. She'd be useful on Federation missions where you represent all of us, even if you couldn't use her on official Vulcan business."

Amanda's breath quickened.

She heard Sarek sigh.

"Shras, I ask only that you consider her for your staff. If you believe so highly in her talents than would you not benefit from them as well?"

"That's not the point you green-blooded moron." Shras hit something and Amanda jumped at the loud sound through the ear piece. "We both know how good she is. What's your logic in just handing her over to me? She's familiar with Vulcan. She enjoys the work here and Sevok's been mentoring her. While I'm sure working for me is preferable to her other options on Earth, I don't get what you're up to."

She heard a chair being pulled out and assumed Sarek was sitting down.

"I find myself too aware of her presence." Sarek spoke softly and Amanda had to turn the dial up again to catch his last words. "Shras, the human girl is so…loud."

"Loud?" Shras laughed. "Amanda isn't loud. She's a bit feisty as far as human women go, but she's quiet as mouse around here. She just goes about her business. She only really yells at me." Shras paused. "And Sevok. He's not made a complaint has he?"

"No, Sevok has been quite vocal in his belief in Ms. Grayson's qualifications." Sarek's voice trailed off for a moment. "I did not mean she was vocally loud. Her mind is…open. I find it difficult to block her."

Another chair was pulled out and Amanda got the impression it was Shras this time. "You're picking her up without touching?" There was a pause than, "Oh, I see."

"She is so…caring." Sarek gave another quiet sigh. "She goes around the embassy and asks after everyone. If someone is gone for a day she inquires to their health. When T-Pel was incapacitated by a virus last month Ms. Greyson brought her flowers and books to read." He paused. "T-Pel had only been on Earth three days when she fell ill. Amanda had only seen her twice in the halls. Yet she felt it necessary to perform such kindnesses. It is not the Vulcan way." He paused again. "She brings us baked goods on Earth holidays. She invites the staff to local festivals where she translates for those that do not yet know enough English to manage. She makes an effort to be nice to everyone."

"Is that the problem? Is she too emotional for you?" Shras' voice was angry. "Damn it, Sarek! You aren't making sense. You tell me she cares too much and then you shake your head at me like I've got it all wrong. If she's not too emotional to do the job than why won't you hire her?"

"Because if I hire her I cannot…" Sarek's voice had started out loud and harsh with some emotion and then trailed off. "Forgive me, Shras. My control is…weak today."

"No need to apologize." Shras stated, confused. "Sarek, what's wrong? I've never seen you like this. It's like you're…" Shras inhaled sharply. "You aren't due for several years. It can't be now. Intel said you'd just gone through it a few months before your wife's death."

"I have time." Sarek said quietly. "But that is part of the problem. Amanda is…tempting. Her concern for others is…unusual. While she is present I am unable to contemplate a life spent with someone who does not show such concern. My first wife…"

"She was a priestess, wasn't she?" Shras asked just as softly.

"And a healer." Sarek replied. "Amanda's concern for others reminds me of my wife's. I…do not wish to contemplate an existence without her, Shras. She was everything to me. Now they have chosen this other for me, this female who's eyes only show her calculations. There is nothing for others in their depths. When I look at her, I cannot help but think I would rather be facing Amanda. I cannot have her on my staff, Shras."

"Of course not. If you intend to pursue her it would be somewhat morally questionable. All right, I'll offer her a position on my staff." Shras gave a short chuckle. "And I'll make sure to clear any outings you plan for the two of you. After all, you let her play tour guide for me."

"You misunderstand." Sarek's voice was back to its calm even tone. "I do not intend to pursue Amanda."

There was another loud bang.

"What!" Shras yelled loudly and Amanda had to turn down the volume. "You're telling me that you're interested in her, you of all people, and you aren't going to do anything about it? What, are you just going to marry that…that…that _thing_ they sent out here? She's after your title, Sarek! It doesn't take a genius to see that. She's only here because her family thinks this would prop up their social standing, make their House more important. She couldn't give a pound of ice what happens to you."

"I know." Sarek's chair grated against the floor and Amanda assumed he'd stood up. "I know that, Shras. Which is why you need to get Amanda away from here. While she cares, I am sure she does, she does not _care_. Not as the humans do. Were I to pursue her she would need to know the truth. Once knowing it, she would feel obligated. This I will not allow. You will take her into your staff and you will protect her." Sarek's voice had an edge of steel. "You know our secrets, Shras. You cannot wish them on a human girl."

There was a long pause and the door to the conference room opened and shut. Peaking out the door of the storage closet Amanda saw Sarek walking quickly down the hallway.

Inside the conference room she heard Shras let out a long tired sigh. "Sarek, you are a fool."


	7. Pain

Amanda had come to realize two very important things over the last year: one, having money was only a good thing if you had something other than taxes to spend it on, and two, being cold was not something you could just get use to. In fact, being cold was _miserable_.

The Andorian Embassy was always cold- very, very, very cold. Because Andoria itself was a cold world, its Embassy was kept at near Arctic temperatures. Amanda quickly learned she was just not cut out for subfreezing temperatures; in fact, she hated them with a passion.

But at the moment she'd give anything to be back in that cold embassy rather than lying helplessly on the slightly less frigid decking she was currently lying on.

It was supposed to be simple, a little cake-run for several Federation Ambassadors out to a little colony world that had just joined the Federation. A little pomp, a little circumstance, some hat waving. Nothing big, just a show of support, a 'we care' gesture. The kind of thing, Amanda had come to learn, that made up the majority of diplomatic life. In fact, that was why she was here. Shras thought she'd needed a vacation.

This trip was supposed to be about nothing more complicated than a little Federation hand shaking, the standard political wrangling, and some sightseeing on a beautiful world. Shras thought it would be the perfect time to get her out of the dusty, frigid, basement office where she'd been busy translating obscure Andorian cultural works over into Standard. It seemed that most of the other Ambassadors agreed with Shras' assessment of the situation and the general opinion had been that this trip would be an excellent chance to trot out the newer staff members and let them get their space legs.

Which was why when Amanda opened her eyes the first sight that greeted her was the dead lifeless face of Ambassador Sarek's newest member of staff, a young Vulcan named Sartok. He'd only been with Sarek for a couple of months and Amanda barely knew him. Sartok was pitched forward on the deck, his hand outstretched as if it had been reaching for someone in the last moments of his life, his face frozen in what had to be the most emotional expression he'd made since childhood. There was a large piece of the wall plating sticking into his back. Amanda had to fight to keep the bile from rising in her throat.

To her horror, Amanda's mind began to rapidly replay every little encounter they'd had, every nod of greeting and every casual word. She and Sartok had been introduced only a few short months ago at an Embassy function when he'd first arrived on Earth. Since that day, Sartok had been drafted into playing courier for Sarek and Shras' on-going games. It was Amanda who had been the one to clue him into the true nature of his "missions" by sending him to Sevok for a little instruction on the real nature of Vulcan diplomacy.

Amanda stayed still and tried to tell if the battle was still raging. All she knew was that just as they'd dropped out of warp something had fired on the ship. The captain had ordered general quarters and the diplomats and their staff had immediately been ushered out of the transporter room where they were gathered for beam down and into the corridor. That's when the second explosion had hit...

Wiggling her fingers and toes, Amanda carefully began to take stock of her injuries. She could hear moaning to her right, away from Sartok's body. So she wasn't the only one to make it. The hall was eerily quiet except for the creak of metal and the quiet groaning. There was no sound from the communications system, and the air handlers weren't working. A sickly burning smell hung in the air but no smoke that Amanda could see. Moving slowly, Amanda turned her face away from Sartok, unable to bare the sight any longer.

Shras was next to her, his hand still clenching at the sleeve of her dress as if to hurry her along. One of his antenna had broken off and was hanging by a slim piece of skin, his normally white hair tinted the same color blue as his skin by the blood oozing from a gash across his temple. He was unconscious but breathing, obviously in pain from his quiet moans. He wasn't moving. Several feet beyond Shras lay Sarek, slumped against a wall holding his arm across his chest. Amanda could see a slow trickle of green coming from a tear in his robes. Instinctively, she moved towards them to help. A sharp pain made her cry out and she realized belatedly that her right leg was broken.

Sarek's eyes snapped open at her pained gasp and he shook his head at her. "Don't move, Ms. Grayson. You may have internal injuries."

Amanda grunted in response and forced herself to crawl on her elbows towards Shras. "It's just my leg and I think I got a bump on the head. I'm better off than either of you." she scanned the rest of the deck looking for rest of their party. "Where's Ambassador Dickerson?" Dickerson was Earth's Ambassador for this trip. He'd been anything but pleased at seeing a human working for the aliens.

Sarek's eyes briefly closed. "He was still in the transporter room when then the second blast hit. There was a hull breach."

Amanda's eyes widened as she turned to stare at the sealed bulkhead behind her. To where the transporter room use to be. "What about..." She stopped and swallowed thickly. "What about Stephanie? Dickerson's aid? Did she make it out?"

Stephanie was the opposite of her boss and she and Amanda had quickly become friends on the short flight from Earth. She'd even joked about Amanda getting her a job, or geting Shras to grant her political asylum, anything to get away from Dickerson.

Sarek's eyes darkened. "She was several steps behind us. I tried to reach her as the door was closing. She pushed Sartok through just before the door closed. I was unable to reach her in time."

Amanda stopped crawling for a moment and swore softly under her breath. "Sarek, Sartok didn't make it either."

Sarek's eyes flickered quickly behind her and then back to her face. He made a brief attempt to move towards her but Amanda held her hand up. "Don't you move, Sarek. I know you're injuried, I can see the blood. Let me check on Shras and then I'll give you a look over." She shook her head and mumbled, "Never knew all that Girl Scout training would come in so handy."

Moving carefully, she managed to pull her self over to Shras and turned him over. The only visible injuries were to his head and antenna. "How badly do you think we were hit?" Amanda asked as she started to rip the bottom of her dress to use to bandage Shras' head wound. "I haven't heard any announcements or movements since I came too. If there was a hull breach, shouldn't medic and maintenance crews on their way?"

Sarek repositioned himself back against the wall and took a deep breath before replaying. "You were unconscious for approximately 15 minutes- five more than myself. Any help we could expect should have arrived by now. It is likely the rest of the ship has also sustained heavy casualties. It is also possible we have been boarded."

Amanda took that news in and nodded grimly as she continued to wrap Shras' head. "Well, I don't hear any more explosions, so I imagine that either we've won, lost, or as you said we've been boarded."

She tied a knot on Shras' bandage and started to crawl towards Sarek, biting her lip to stop herself from crying out at the pain and thanking god for the adrenline in her system that was keeping her going. "I think I've stopped his bleeding. My guess is he's got a concussion since he's still out cold, that and a cracked rib which would explain his touble breathing. Not much more I can do at the moment for him. What about you?" Amanda reached Sarek's side and he slowly moved his hand so she could check his injury. She grimaced at the amount of green blood soaking his robes.

"Sartok and I were closest to the explosion and breach. I was hit with a piece of shrapnel." Sarek explained in a disturbingly calm tone. "I would recommend we not attempt to remove the shard. The bleeding may increase. I estimate that the shrapnel missed my heart by no more than three centimeters."

Amanda's eyes widened as her fingers finally found the twisted piece of metal embedded in Sarek's side. "Good God!" she hissed, looking up to his face quickly. "You're bleeding to death! Is there anything I can do to stop the bleeding?"

Sarek's head tipped to the side as if he'd suddenly realized who it was that was hovering over him and his eyes seemed to fill with some emotion Amanda had never seen before, at least not in Vulcan. It made her pause for a moment. This was the first time they'd been alone together since she'd overheard his conversation with Shras at the Vulcan Embassy. The next day Shras had offered her a job and she'd taken it. No questions asked and not a comment spoken. She'd left Sarek behind and tried not to think about it, or what his crptic confession might have meant. And Shras had done his best to keep them apart. Sarek had never spoken of it to her nor she to him. It was as if it had never happened.

Now, staring at his pale, blood-streaked face, her hands desperately pressing against his side as his life's blood slipped slowly past her fingers, she wasn't sure what it was she was feeling. Or what it was she was she thought she was seeing in the dark bottomless eyes that were focused on her with all the intensity of a phaser beam.

Sarek's dark eyes bored into hers and for a slight moment it looked as if he was about to speak, but then it was as if a curtain fell down over them and he was back to the cool Vulcan she had come to know, his control firmly back in place despite his pain.

"We may be able to bandage the wound if we are careful not to jar the shrapnel," Sarek spoke in his normally controlled tones and motioned towards his robes. "You may use my robes for a bandage."

Amanda snorted and reached down to rip another chuck off the bottom of her dress, which after fashioning Shras' bandage was already indecently short. "You'll freeze, Sarek. It's getting colder in here by the second. Life support is probably failing. You need every inch of your robes. In your condition your bio-controls can't possibly compensate for the loss of blood as well as the cold."

It took some careful maneuvering, and the rest of her dress, to get Sarek bandaged. As she tied the last knot on Sarek's make-shift bandage, Amanda sent a silent thank you to her grandmother for always insisting she wear a slip. Sarek's face was pale and he was already starting to shiver by the time she'd finished.

Amanda, too, was shivering as she backed away from him, ignoring her own pain from her leg and the growing headache behind her eyes. She struggled to pull Shras' still unconscious form over to Sarek's side. "His body heat is a lot lower than ours, but he's still warmer than the air." Amanda explained as she nudged the Andorian into place by Sarek's side. Sarek's eyes were beginning to look a little unfocused and Amanda had to reach up and slap his cheek gently to get his attention. "Sarek, isn't there some kind of healing trance your people can do?"

Sarek blinked at her in understanding but it took a moment for him to form the words. "Yes, but," he paused and Amanda could see the effort it was taking for him to maintain control. "If I were to enter the trance you would be alone here. If we are boarded you will be unable to defend us alone."

Amanda snorted. "Sarek, you idiot. You're in no condition to defend anything. Go into the trance. It'll at least buy us some time in case a rescue is on the way. Besides, if life support is compromised lord knows how much oxygen we have left. You'll conserve more in a healing trance than awake and arguing with me."

It seemed for a moment that arguing was exactly what he planned to do, but when then his head dipped and his breath hitched. He made a small sound Amanda recognized as pain before he straightened up and looked into her eyes again. His eyes were still slightly unfocused and as he raised his hand and it took a moment for him to find Amanda's where it rested against his chest, checking his bandages one more time. He took her hand and squeezed it hard, pressing it to his body before he blinked once at her again and closed his eyes. For a moment Amanda thought he'd died, but then she caught the barely noticeable rise and fall of his chest under their joined hands. He was in the trance.

With her remaining strength, she crawled to Sartok's body and removed his robes. He wouldn't need them, but the three survivors would. It took her a moment to collect the energy to crawl back to Sarek and Shras. She manged to shift them around so that she was leaning against the bulk head with Shras on her right and Sarek leaning against her left, his head resting under her chin. She pulled Sartok's robes up over their collective bodies and hugged the two males to her and hoped that help was on the way.


	8. Mystification

_A/N: First, thank you to my new beta Elise for a job well done._

_Second, I know y'all want more Sarek and Amanda interaction. It is coming, I promise. When the plot bunny for this struck I had this thought, "What if Amanda's behavior didn't match the Vulcan standard and she didn't realize that Sarek was starting to court her?" So, going along with that, this story is mostly from Amanda's point of view. Right now all she knows is that there's something going on with the Ambassador. She doens't really know him, she doesn't really want to. She's just starting to maybe like him a wee bit- as a friend. His behavior is confusing her. She doesn't know what he's thinking. All she has to go on are his actions and what she __thinks he might be feeling. Since he's Vulcan she's trying to be careful and not read human motivations into things._

_That said, I believe there will be one more chapter after this and then we reach the big confrontation._

* * *

It was warm, blessedly, heavenly warm. That was Amanda's first impression. The next was the soft feel of fabric lying across her and the hint of some spicy scent in the air. It took her a moment to remember where she was, and when her mind finally conjured the memory of the corridor and the blood and the death…she sat bolt upright expecting to find herself back there and fighting off hypothermia. What she found instead was an amused looking Andorian missing an antenna and a _warm_ room- a bright and defiantly not standard issue room.

Shras smirked at her as Amanda flickered her gaze around the room taking it all in. The room was decorated more elaborately than was common in Star Fleet vessels and it most certainly wasn't the sickbay on the _Douglas_, the ship they'd been on. For one thing, it was a private room and for another there wasn't any of the usual blinking and whirling machines in sight. There was, however, a window. A window covered by a thin film to keep the heat and glare of a very bright sun out. A window that showed what could only be a view of Vulcan. A very high up view of the plains and deserts that only two years on planet and frequent post-cards from T-Lar enabled Amanda to identify. They were somewhere on Mt. Seleya, a mountain no off-worlder was supposed to set foot on.

Shras' grin widened even further, his pointy teeth making him look even more fierce against the alien backdrop and he nodded towards the door. That's when Amanda realized exactly what had awoken her. There were voices coming from the corridor, speaking rapidly in Vulcan, raised in what Amanda knew was the Vulcan equivalent of a heated argument.

"Sarek, you may not enter!" a female voice nearly shouted.

"I do not ask you permission," Sarek's voice came next, equally loud and caustic. "She should not be alone after what transpired on the _Douglas_."

Amanda looked at Shras in question. He shrugged and rolled his eyes before his toothy grin came again full force. He didn't speak Vulcan, but even he could recognize Sarek's voice and the agitation in it.

"She is not alone," the female Vulcan responded. "Ambassador Shras is with her."

"Excellent." Sarek sounded a tad smug. "I can verify both their conditions at once. Very efficient, Healer."

There was a sound that could only be described as a muffled Vulcan curse from the healer and as the door started to open it was forcibly slammed.

"You will not enter." The female healer's voice was hard and firm as stone. "I have discussed this with T-Lar. As she is the human's chosen emergency contact while on Vulcan, T-Lar has authority over all medical care and has made it clear you are not to disturb the human."

"The human has a name, healer, and we do not yet know if it is possible to _disturb_ her." Sarek's tone dropped its venom and sounded hollow. "It has been five standard days since Sartok's katra was removed to the Hall of Ancestors and Amanda has not stirred once since. My presence, or lack thereof, will not matter to her if her mind is gone. If her mind remains intact, perhaps than she will respond to familiar voices as would a Vulcan. Shras has evidently tried, as has T-Lar. I would be remise if I did not make the attempt as well."

Amanda's eyes widened and she looked over at Shras. It was clear that he still had no idea what the Vulcan's were saying but he patted her hand anyway, obviously taking from her expression that the situation wasn't pleasant.

The two Vulcans continued to argue outside her door and Amanda pulled the blanket back, ready to jump up and confront them, only to find her leg bound in a light cast of Vulcan style. It really wasn't any more than a thin bandage designed to speed the body's natural healing. They would have used a bone knitter to heal the fracture. The cast would only be a precaution and Amanda discarded it as insignificant compared to the argument taking place outside her door.

Amanda waved off Shras' silent offer of assistance and ignoring the cast, shifted her legs off the bed and tried to stand. She was shaky and weak, and it took her moment to gain her balance as she clung to the side of the bed. Shras' watchful gaze was trained on her the entire time, ready to catch her if she fell. Amanda stuck her chin out proudly and shook of his attempt to steady her before she wobbled her way the short distance to the door, ignoring the twinge in her leg. It only took her a moment to fumble with the handle before she managed to wrestle it open.

Sarek and the healer stopped arguing abruptly as they caught sight of her standing in the doorway wearing only a wrinkled Vulcan gown. Looking down at the crumpled silky fabric pooling at her feet, Amanda realized that at some point someone must have washed and re-dressed her, going as far as breading her hair and placing her in something a little more substantial than a standard medical gown. Amanda reached a hand up to tentatively feel the elaborately bound plaits and felt what could only be T-Lar's favorite hair pins stuck into the massive creation. Well, if someone had to bath and dress her at least it was T-Lar and not the hateful healer that was currently glaring at her as if she was some kind of offensive insect.

Amanda gripped the door as a sudden wave of dizziness hit her. Sarek was instantly by her side, holding her up, a look of concern clearly breaking though his calm. "Amanda, you are awake." His eyes danced for a moment than hardened. "You should not be out of bed!"

"I'm fine, Sarek." Amanda responded in Vulcan, letting a small smile escape. "I'm just really tired. What I really need right now is an explanation." Taking his arm, Amanda allowed him to help her back to the bed while Shras busied himself fluffing her pillows and trying not to smirk at them.

Amanda switched to Standard so Shras could follow the conversation. So far, no one seemed ready to tell her a thing, not even the Vulcan healer whose name she didn't even know. "What the hell happened?" She looked around at the three faces in the room, all showing various levels of concern with the noticeable exception of the still glowering healer. "The last thing I remember I was curled up with you two and we were all minutes away from freezing to death."

Shras sat down carefully in the chair next to the bed, his balance clearly affected by his missing antenna. Sarek took a step back from her , placed his hands behind his back, and turned away from her to face out to the desert beyond the window. When it became apparent that neither of the boys was going to be forthcoming, Amanda turned to the healer and raised her eyebrow in question.

The Vulcan woman eyed her silently before pulling out a diagnostic scanner, pressing a button on the side, and began running it quickly over Amanda's frame. Just as the healer was finishing her scan a very harried looking T-Lar rushed into the room, her eyes bright.

Amanda took one look at her friend's state and cringed. "Something tells me you weren't rushing here for a social call."

"Healer T-Kya summoned me. I thought…" as her voice drifted to a halt, T-Lar rubbed at the pager-bracelet on her wrist. Amanda recognized it as one of the silent pagers often used in Vulcan hospitals to alert family members of crisis. The pagers were usually only brought out for terminal cases. "Amanda, you are well?" Her friend's voice was slightly hoarse.

Amanda nodded and again swept her gaze across those gathered in the room with her. "I'm perfectly fine. But the rest of you might not be if someone doesn't tell me _exactly_ what the hell is going on."

The healer flipped the scanner closed with a satisfied click. "Her vitals are stable and there appears to be no cognitive or neurological impairment." She turned a cold stare on T-Lar and addressed Amanda's friend with an icy voice. "Since you are responsible for the human while she is under medical care on Vulcan I will _reluctantly _defer to your earlier request to be allowed to explain the situation." The healer raised her chin defiantly. "I still believe it is unwise to divulge such knowledge to an outsider but the High Priestess has consented. If you require me, I will return but I do not see any logic in remaining here now that the danger is past." She turned on her heal and was out the door before Amanda could muster a protest.

Amanda channeled her irritation at the rude Vulcan healer into her glare and turned it on those remaining in the room until finally Shras caved. "It's a Vulcan thing. That's all I can tell you. They were speaking that gibberish the entire time, and we both know I'm not exactly up to speed on it. Especially since half of it sounded like High Vulcan. They refused to tell me anything except that you were apparently in a coma. Until just now I had no idea it was anything serious." He eyed the pager-bracelet angrily, clearly aware of its significance.

Amanda switched her glare to T-Lar and Sarek in turn. T-Lar broke first and confessed, eyeing Shras suspiciously as she did so. "Amanda, we did not think you would awaken." Her friend squeezed her hand once before letting go almost reluctantly. "The _Douglas_ was attacked as it came out of warp. The Federation believes it was a group of smugglers who mistook your diplomatic convoy for a military one. They believed that since the colony had joined the Federation it was only a matter of time until forces arrived to arrest them. They were attacking any ships that came out of warp near the system and that bore Federation markings. When they realized the _Douglas_ was not a war ship, but rather a diplomatic vessel, they broke off their attack. A Vulcan survey ship, the _D'kve'el,_ was in the area and picked up your distress signal. It reached the ship minutes before the core went critical."

"The crew!" Amanda sat up straight. "Did they get the crew off?"

Sarek finally turned to look at her. "The _D'kve'el_ managed a complete rescue of all survivors. The crew of the _Douglas_ was aware that the core was destabilizing and had already begun an evacuation. Our section was separated from the rest of the ship by several hull breaches and a complete power system failure. The _D'kve'el_ was able to read our life signs and managed to cut in through the outside with a rescue pod. The entire incident has been declared classified by the Federation in order to protect the colony from negative press. The smugglers have been detained and will stand trial for numerous crimes." Sarek's eyes hardened. "The colony has assured me that their justice is swift."

"So that's why we're on Vulcan?" Amanda asked. "It was a Vulcan ship that rescued us so they brought us here?"

T-Lar indicated a negative with a brief wave of her hand. "You are on Vulcan because the ship's healer recognized that your injuries should not have caused you to loose conscious or to remain in that state. When rescued, Ambassador Shras was suffering from a sever concussion and Sarek was already in a healing trance. It took several hours to ascertain what exactly had transpired during your time on the _Douglas_. When he was brought out of the trance, Sarek indicated your belief that you had sustained a head injury, citing your headache and a small gash on your forehead. There was no evidence of significant internal damage, however. After Sarek related your symptoms from prior to your falling unconscious, the healer began to suspect it was possible that Sarek's aid had managed to somehow transfer his _katra_ to you moments before his death. The human mind is not a suitable vessel for a _katra_ and since you have had no prior mental contact with a Vulcan it was conceivable that had Sartok managed it, his _katra_ would have quickly incapacitated you causing your mind to shut down in effort at self preservation. Coupled with the minor swelling you did have, it was possible that your prolonged incapacitation was due to a perceived mental attack. When no other explanation was found for your continued unconsciousness the healer preformed a low level meld with you and found that he was indeed correct. Sartok's _katra_ was present and your mind was…unsettled by its presence."

T-Lar shifted in her seat. "When you arrived on Vulcan the healer contacted me immediately. Until that time I was unaware that you had listed me as your emergency contact should you fall ill while on Vulcan. I assume you did so while at the Academy?" Amanda nodded yes and started to chew her lip in thought. T-Lar sighed. "It is well you did, Amanda. As Healer T-Kya's behavior has shown, not all of Vulcan finds this situation to be," T-Lar trailed off, a tiny frown turning down the corner of her mouth ever so slightly. "pleasant." She finished softly.

Shras gave an indignant snort. "And you couldn't have told me all that earlier? I have been sitting next to her for days thinking she'd only been given a good whack to the head and was recovering. I even talked to her like that healer suggested even though I felt like a fool for doing it, and the truth was she was possessed by some dead Vulcan?"

Sarek's eyes flashed. "Sartok did not mean harm, Shras. He was dying sought only to preserve his essence. As soon as we arrived on Vulcan we brought the you here to Seleya so the priestess could remove Sartok's _katra_ and place it in the Hall of Ancestors. Sartok most likely did not realize the danger he placed Ms. Grayson in."

"I would have agreed if he'd been able to ask." Amanda added quietly. T-Lar had once given her a brief explanation about Vulcan death rites and how vitally important it was that their _katras_ find their way home. "I'm just glad he wasn't lost." Amanda shifted in the bed and tried to get the pillows to support her back a bit better. T-Lar stood and helped her.

Shras growled. "You could have been lost yourself!"

Amanda sighed as she settled back down against the pillows. "But I didn't and other than feeling incredibly drained I'm fine." Amanda smiled at the two Ambassadors. "Not to change the subject, but were the healers able to seal your wound quickly, Sarek?"

Sarek nodded but Shras gave a snort in protest. "Stubborn Vulcan. He almost bleed to death. He's got some rare blood type and they ran out of it after the third transfusion. They really thought he wasn't going to live long enough to reach Vulcan. His heart stopped twice."

Amanda gave a startled gasp. "Sarek! You shouldn't be out of bed!" she made an attempt to get up again to check on him but T-Lar pushed her back against the pillows, none to gently.

"Ambassador Sarek was able to control his bleeding with the help of the healers until they arrived at Vulcan where the shrapnel could be removed and the wound repaired. He entered a second healing trance and only awoke earlier this morning. He is completely healed, Amanda. There is no further cause for concern."

Sarek nodded at her and leaned down slightly to lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I am recovered, Amanda. Thanks in great part to your…attentions." Sarek said the last word softly, almost tenderly. Clearing his throat, he visibly forced himself back up to his imposing height, the loss of his hand leaving Amanda feeling suddenly cold. "Now that I have ascertained your conditions I will report your statuses to the Federation. I am sure there are several worried parties on both your homeworlds." Sarek nodded at each of them and swept out of the room before Amanda could put two words together to stop him.

He was only gone a moment before T-Lar let out a distressed hiss, clearly forgetting that Shras was still there. "Amanda, what have you done?" She glared down at her human friend, her lips pursed with Vulcan displeasure. "Did you not bother to heed any of our warnings?"

Amanda could only blink at her in confusion.


	9. Wrath

Amanda stared at her friend in confusion. "What are you talking about, T-Lar?"

The Vulcan woman narrowed her eyes and asked, "Did Sevok and I not warn you this would happen?"

"What would happen?" Amanda demanded, her confusion slowly giving way to irritation. "I haven't _done_ anything."

Shras snorted and drew both women's attention. He leaned calmly back in his chair and smirked. "My dear, sweet, _innocent_, Amanda. Even I can see what you've done," he told her with a smile. "Surely someone of your intelligence must be able to grasp the situation? But perhaps it is as my favorite Earth phrase declares. Can you not 'see the forest for the trees'?"

Amanda glared and crossed her arms. "Shras, T-Lar, I don't care which of you explains but you are going to start making sense and you're going to do it _now_. I've just woken up, I feel like shit, and having the two of you confusing the hell out of me isn't helping."

T-Lar raised a single, disdainful brow to the Andorian before she walked calmly across the room and locked the door. When she turned around her eyes were cold, hard, and devoid of any feeling. "If you were anyone else, I would demand your immediate removal from this room, Ambassador." T-Lar spoke quietly, but her words were hard as stone. "We do not allow out-worlders to possess any knowledge of the things of which I must speak; however, I suspect you already know. Andoria has been spying on us long enough that I trust we have no real secrets left."

Instantly, Shras' grin faded. "No, no you do not." He stood slowly from the chair, and by sheer force of will he kept from toppling over, his balance still clearly affected by his injuries. Once he'd gained his footing, he strode directly across the room until he stood directly facing T-Lar challengingly. "Yes," he answered, "I know what is going on. Sarek,_ my_ _friend_, asked me to protect Amanda, and that I have done to the best of my ability. Were it not for this mission and its disastrous outcome, they would not be in this position. The girl knows nothing about this, T-Lar, because no one has told her."

"If no one has told her, then it is best if she remains ignorant of the true reality of the situation," T-Lar stated forcefully. She kept her eyes trained on Amanda. "These things are private, Amanda. This knowledge is the very heart and soul of _Vulcan_. It will be enough that you listen to me and do as I tell you. I will arrange immediate transport on the first ship leaving for Earth for you and Ambassador Shras. You will be allowed no more contact with Sarek _under any circumstances._ It may be necessary to find you other employment outside the diplomatic community, regardless of the limitations of Earth's allocations system."

At first, seeing her friend enveloped in a total icy Vulcan mask caused Amanda's blood to freeze in her veins. But the more she thought about it, and the longer T-Lar talked, the angrier Amanda became until she had had enough. Throwing off the covers, Amanda bolted from the bed and was on her feet before either of her companions could put in a protest. She was angry, so angry she was nearly shaking- angrier than she'd ever been in her life. Whatever the hell was going on it had to do with her. _Her _life. Not Shras'! Not T'Lar's! What right did they have to withhold information from her?

"Alright," Amanda's voice shook slightly with rage despite her attempts to control it. She faced her friend and spoke slowly, willing herself not to throttle the pointy-eared pest. "I don't care anymore about your high and mighty Vulcan privacy rights, T-Lar. I've been the good little human, curbed my curiosity, and obeyed for more than a year now without question. You're supposed to be my friend; at least I thought you were. Now, if you won't tell me what I need to know, fine! I'll get it from some who obviously cares. Shras will tell me, won't you?"

The Andorian sadly shook his head as he looked at Amanda. He smiled at her like a parent would smile at a beloved, naughty child. "No, I will not. It is classified information."

"Classified!" Amanda yelled as she lost the last bit of control she had. Amanda moved aggressively towards Shras until he was backed into the corner, and, hitting the wall, put his hands up in surrender. She narrowed her eyes, concentrating the dangerous blue lasers on him. Her words hissed, and she punctuated her statements with finger jabs to his chest. "Shras, I don't care that it's classified. I don't care if it's private." She whirled around to point a finger at T-Lar. "I don't care if out-worlders are forbidden the knowledge." She took a small step away from Shras, just to give him room to lower his hands. Then her control gave way to her anger. She just couldn't take it anymore and she yelled, "Fuck privacy, fuck Andoria, and fuck Vulcan!"

T-Lar gave a start. "Amanda, your language…"

Amanda cut her off with a growl and grabbed at the mounded braids on her head. "What is this, T-Lar?" She tugged at them again until the pins gave way and the golden mass tumbled down over her shoulders and back. "I'm unconscious for a few days and on my supposed deathbed, and you think it's an appropriate place for a makeover?" Amanda threw the ribbons and pins onto the floor at her friend's feet. "T'Lar, you dressed me like a Vulcan when you thought I was dying. You fought to get me the same recognition at the Science Academy as a Vulcan. You got me a job in the damn Vulcan Embassy, but you won't tell me what I'm supposed to have done that's so unforgiveable because it's _Vulcan_! Are you really my friend, T'Lar, or a bigot trying to prove how un-prejudiced you are by having a token human 'friend'? Or, are you just a hypocrite?"

Suddenly aware of the actual length of braids falling around her, Amanda shoved them away viciously. "Hell! This isn't even my hair! You put in extensions!" Amanda accused T'Lar. She whirled around and thrust her hand out at Shras. "Give me a knife. I know you've always got more than one."

Shras blinked at her in confusion, uncertain of her intentions, but he gave way to her demands and took a small knife from his boot and handed it to her. Amanda started slashing angrily at the braids T-Lar had put in her hair. "You pointy-eared, psychotic, egomaniacal…" She muttered under her breath until at last she had the last plait cut out. She turned quickly back to face a stunned T-Lar. "You." She used the knife to point. "I've had it with you. It's always a secret. Well, it's _my_ _**life**_, goddamn it! Someone is going to tell me what the hell is going on with it."

Amanda used her good leg to kick the pile of hair away and strode purposefully for the door, her pain and fatigue forgotten in her anger. She slammed the lock open, wrenched the door wide, and marched off down the hallway with a determined stride. She could hear Shras and T'Lar rushing behind her, trying desperately to keep up.

"You gave a knife to a clearly emotionally imbalanced woman!" T-Lar's sharp voice accused the Andorian ambassador.

Shras snorted. "You say you know Amanda well? She's not unbalanced. She's pissed at us. If I hadn't given her the knife she'd have taken it, and then I'd be on the floor with those braids!" Then, with an impetuous grin and his signature shrug, he added, "Besides I have diplomatic immunity."

Ignoring them, Amanda continued storming down the hallway opening and slamming each door she found. After the fourth door, it became clear that this wasn't actually a hospital; it appeared more like a monastery. Each room held a single meditating Vulcan and a softly glowing fire pot. Just as Amanda slammed the fifth door, T-Lar caught up with her and snagged her by the arm with the intention of dragging her back to her room. Amanda slammed her good foot down on her friend's toes and shook her off. T-Lar stumbled backward into the still unbalanced Andorian, knocking them both to the ground.

Luckily, behind the sixth door Amanda found her intended target. Barging into the room, which had been set up as an office earlier that day, Amanda just barely managed to slam the door tightly. With a vicious twist of her wrist, she snapped the lock in place before either Shras or T'Lar could force their way through it.

At this sudden attack on his sanctuary, Sarek leapt to his feet, the chair he'd been sitting clattered to the floor behind him, and he moved into an automatic posture of defense.

"You!" Amanda snarled as she pointed the knife at Sarek's chest. Slowly he backed away from his computer terminal as she advanced. "_You're_ going to tell me what the _hell_ is going on." She nodded towards the door as the others started banging on it. "_You're_ going to explain why you made Shras give me a job. _You're_ going to explain why T-Lar and Sevok seem to think I'm in danger around you. _You're_ going to explain why Shras went along with all this." The banging increased. "_And_ you are going to do it before they break down that door." She punctured the air with harsh, little jabs of the knife every time she spoke.

Sarek eyed her carefully, a million calculations and scenarios shifting swiftly behind his eyes. Abruptly, his shoulders slumped in defeat as the only logical solution to the problem presented itself. Accepting his decision as the only logical course of action, Sarek raised his shoulders again and nodded to himself. "Amanda?" He spoke slowly and softly, his words precise and carefully chosen. "I will explain, but it is not necessary for you to remain armed around me. I am not currently a danger."

Amanda looked down at her hand in shock and promptly dropped the knife as if it were burning. It fell to the floor with a harsh, metallic clatter. "Oh God!" She whispered as she jerked her offending hand up to press against her face. Her cheeks turned a dark, mutinous shade of red. "I just threatened a Federation Ambassador at knife point," she added to herself in a quivering voice. She ran a shaky hand through her chopped off hair and looked up at him in fear. Swallowing hard, Amanda asked softly, "I don't suppose you'd believe me if I say I forgot I was holding it?"

With one long step, Sarek was beside her. He gently took her hands in his own, kicking the knife under the desk as he did so. "I fear," he said softly, "after what I have to say you may wish you were still holding it."

* * *

_A/N: Not that it will matter for Chapter 10, but for future reference how graphic do you want it? Wink wink, nudge nudge and all that. _


	10. Shame

Sarek squeezed her hands tightly for a moment before letting them fall. "What have you been told? How much have you discovered?" he asked in a soft voice.

Amanda took a deep quivering breath and whispered, "Sevok warned me not to get close to you, and T-Lar told me to avoid being _nice_. Whatever that means." Amanda dropped her eyes to the floor. "And I overheard you asking Shras to hire me."

She heard Sarek's sigh, and the sound made her raise her eyes quickly to search his face. He was looking at her so strangely, as if the heavy weight of Vulcan itself was bearing down on him. His dark eyes were heavy and filled with shame.

"Amanda...," he started to speak than stopped abruptly and closed his eyes. He shook his head as if to clear it. He began again, "You have to have some idea of the situation."

Amanda nodded. "Uh, for some reason everyone seems to think I'm acting like a tart and trying to seduce you. In so many words, I was told that you're supposed to be extra vulnerable right now, and if I were to be successful in persuading you, I would be in danger." Amanda chewed her bottom lip for a moment. Her voice was small and delicate sounding when she added, "This is about some kind of mating drive, isn't it?"

Sarek gave a small start at her answer, then he slowly blinked his eyes at her and nodded his head yes. He stepped backed away from her slightly so there was a good amount of space between them before he spoke. "Essentially you are correct, although I doubt Sevok or T-Lar truly believe that you are actively attempting seduction. For a human your behavior has always been proper and modest."

"But not for a Vulcan," Amanda added quietly. She took a step backward until she hit the wall and slowly slid down to sit on the floor. "Sevok gave me a whole list last year of things I wasn't supposed to do. I tried to stick to it, but then Shras offered me the job and I was gone so…" Amanda frowned as her words trailed off. "I haven't seen you for longer than a second or two spread out over a handful of diplomatic functions this entire last year."

Sarek dipped his head in acknowledgement. "That is correct. But the 'damage' was already done," Sarek's voice decreased in volume until Amanda had to strain to hear it, "well before their warning."

The banging on the door suddenly grew louder. Sarek glared in its direction for a long moment before he moved to sit beside Amanda on the floor. He allowed their shoulders to touch like they had on the _Douglas_. "I do not have long to explain before they break through. Thankfully the doors in the temple are made of reinforced stone infused with metallic ore."

Amanda couldn't help a nervous chuckle. "So you're just going to sit here next to me? Just watch their faces when they finally manage to knock the door down and find the two of us alive and well?"

"And fully clothed," he added with a near smirk.

Amanda couldn't help it. She started laughing hysterically. Sarek's mouth twitched into a near smile, and for the first time in a long while, she saw his eyes dance with mirth. At the sight, she stopped laughing and spoke softly, "I've missed your smile, Sarek. You used to smile like that whenever you'd send me off to meet with Shras on one of those foul's errands."

Sarek drew himself up stiffly and spoke with a mock offended tone, "I do not smile, Amanda."

She snorted with humor. "It's a Vulcan smile if I ever saw one. 'A rose by any other name'." Amanda shook her head, and then her tone became serious once more. "Will you be honest with me?" she asked. "What's going on?"

Sarek turned his face away from her before he answered. "You are correct. It is a mating drive, a fierce one. We call it _Pon Farr_." He paused for a long moment. "All of Vulcan fear the _Time_." His voice was no longer steady as the words slowly and painfully spilled forth, each one seeming to cause pain. "For a people who pride themselves on logic and careful thought, it is a terrible thing." He raised his head to gaze at the ceiling. "As we have evolved, our society has become structured around attempts at limiting its effects."

Amanda reached out her hand to comfort him, but remembering the dire warnings, stopped just short of touching his arm. Sarek caught her movement. His eyes looked so sad, gazing at her outstretched arm, that she threw caution to the winds and rested her hand lightly on his elbow.

At her touch, his mouth softened again into that near smile before he dipped his head to hide his expression. "I know," he began again, "that T-Lar must have explained some of this to you. Forgive me if I repeat, but I want you to be informed. Now that I have started this explanation, I will make it complete." Sarek sighed softly to himself and gently reached his hand out to cover hers.

"Longer than as there has been a written history on Vulcan, there has been _Pon Farr_. Before Surak brought us logic there was very little attempt to control it, and our females suffered greatly until the Priests and Priestesses of this mountain took it upon themselves to institute certain cultural adaptations. They were only just gaining acceptance when Surak began writing," Sarek told her.

He drew a deep breath and started again more quickly, "Once every seven years on average, a Vulcan male enters _Pon Farr_. Occasionally a female will also show signs, but it is rare." His voice shook slightly, but he continued, "There are horrible fevers, Amanda. They strip away all control, all rational thought until there is nothing left but _need_." He paused again to regain his composure. "We mate or we die."

Amanda let out a tiny gasp and squeaked, "Literally?"

Raising his head, Sarek locked eyes with her before he nodded solemnly. "Yes, that is why I did not wish to approach you. I did not want you to make a choice out of obligation."

Amanda squeezed his arm under their joined hands and shook her head. "Sarek, please don't take this the wrong way, but I barely know you. I still don't know all there is to know about what's happening. We're barely even friends. I don't know if I'd be willing to agree to anything right now, even if it did mean your death."

Sarek's back straightened; he actually seemed pleased with that answer. "That knowledge would not be enough to sway a Vulcan female, but I did not know what your reaction would be. You are very kind, Amanda. I would not ask you to make such a choice…" His words were again drowned out as the noise from the corridor picked up.

Amanda snarled, stood up quickly, and crossed the room in four long strides. Wrenching the door open, she watched with delight as a ruffled T-Lar and Shras nearly fell in on her. With a fiery glare, she pointed behind her and growled, "He's fine. I haven't killed him, and he hasn't killed me. And as you can see, we're both fully clothed." T'Lar had just managed to pull herself upright and was helping Shras to stand when Amanda noticed the three stoic Vulcan officials standing behind them. Amanda rolled her eyes at the collective group, slammed the door again, and snapped the lock back into place. Through the door she yelled, "We're having a very nice, polite, and _private_ conversation. Be good little Vulcans and LEAVE US ALONE!"

Amanda huffed and kicked the door once for good measure, earning a moment of pain in her broken leg for her trouble. Muttering to herself in satisfaction, she turned back towards Sarek. He looked distinctly amused and had one eyebrow raised at her in question. Sighing in feigned annoyance, she couldn't help smiling at him. "I'm afraid you're getting a grand display of my temper today. Perhaps it will be enough to persuade you this is a bad idea."

Sarek's mouth quirked and he shook his head as Amanda slid back down the wall to sit next to him again. "I am reluctant to confess, Amanda, that your temper coupled with your compassion is what has gotten us into this particularly unpleasant situation."

Amanda slapped him gently. "You were saying?" Amanda asked, urging him softly to continue his explanations now that the banging had quieted.

Sarek's lips lost their slight lift, and he again turned away from her, as if he couldn't bear to see her face as she listened. "As you know, nearly all marriages on Vulcan are arranged. It has been so since the Priestesses began to structure the Time," Sarek stated softly. "This is done so that the female will bond with the male prior to his time. So she will pity him." Sarek looked up at Amanda quickly. "It is thought that without prior attachment the female is likely to reject the male and leave him to die."

Amanda again reached out to put a comforting hand on his arm. "T-Lar told me that it is common for a Vulcan man to fear that his wife will abandon him."

Sarek nodded. "Yes, or worse." He wet his lips and swallowed hard before continuing, "When _Pon Farr_ reaches the critical point, the female meets the male for the _koon-ut-kal-if-fee. _At this time, she may choose to renew her bond with her mate or designate a champion to fight for her. If she chooses to challenge, her champion and her mate will fight for her – it is to the death."

Amanda sucked in a sharp breath. Her voice shook with anger as she spoke, "Wait a minute. You're telling me that once every seven years you have to mate or die, and that your _wife_ can turn against you at the last minute and have some adulterous jack-ass try to kill you?"

Sarek, confused by her annoyance, tilted his head and asked, "That is essentially correct. Why does this anger you?"

Amanda stuttered for a moment, grasping for words. "Why does it…Sarek! Your _life _is at stake. If somebody wants a divorce, that's about the _worst_ time to do it."

"Vulcans do not divorce," Sarek corrected. "The marriage bond is a joining of the minds. There are only two ways it may be broken – death or challenge during _koon-ut-kal-if-fee_. The fever combined with battle is often enough to break _Pon Farr_ along with the marriage bond. If the husband wins the challenge, there are dire consequences for the female. Since she is no longer bonded and has proven her disloyalty, she is considered chattel; the male has the legal right to use her as he wills. He may even kill her if he wishes. It is a risk that most females would not take. It is a rare happening in our time, but it is still an option that occurs on occasion. Prior to Surak, it was a common enough occurrence that there is a cultural, inborn, fear of such a situation."

"They must have designed it this way," Amanda shuddered at the realization. "The Priestesses, they got tired of the men going into _Pon Farr_ and raping women so they created this _koon-ut-kal-if-fee _ceremony to give the women some power over the situation."

Sarek raised his eyebrow as he replied, "I had not considered that being a possibility. I have never meditated on the implications to my bond mate to the degree I should have."

The pounding started again on the door. Sarek leaned his head back against the wall, glaring. Ignoring the noise, he continued, "The long lasting results are that almost all Vulcans are bonded around the age of seven. This bond is less than a marriage but more than a betrothal as it can be broken only by the means I have described. This practice began in order to decrease the number of challenges. Because they are bonded since childhood, Vulcans mature and grow to know one another; they learn to trust and care for each other. Generally, this has meant that most Vulcan females go willing to their male during his time."

Amanda frowned as she asked, "But T-Lar said something about walking behind the male and going to them outside of the time?" Amanda sighed in confusion. "What is that all about?"

Sarek raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Your friend mentioned this, but did not explain the rest? It is no surprise you are confused, Amanda." He turned to face her more directly, as if this part of the explanation wasn't quite as embarrassing. "Even outside of his time, many males still have a periodic desire for mating. Some believe that by satisfying this desire, the next _Pon Farr_ will be easier for both to bear. Surak's teachings encourage the development of the marriage bond. Since his writings have gained favor, many Vulcan females have acquiesced to their bond mates desires even outside the time."

Amanda snorted a reply, "You act like the women don't want to have sex. I mean, really, Sarek, they've got a sex drive, too."

Sarek gave a small frown. "No, Amanda, they do not. Vulcan females do not have a desire to mate, with the rare exception of those that are affected by the time."

Amanda's jaw dropped. "Wait a second. Are you truthfully telling me Vulcan females don't have any sex drive? None at all?" When Sarek nodded solemnly, Amanda's eyes widened in shock. She sputtered her next words, "Ouch!" She looked at Sarek and shook her head. "That has got to suck."

Sarek gave a human-like shrug. "Considering what they go through during the time, it is logical they would avoid any similar activities. Such strong negative associations would assure that. I am unaware of any studies attempting to determine whether this is a biological or societal effect. It matters little. At best, Vulcan women are indifferent. At worst, they come only when called for the _koon-ut-kal-if-fee_. Every species is different, Amanda. Not all can be as…excitable as humans."

" 'Horney.' The word you want right there is 'horney'," Amanda added with a smirk. "Alright, let's see if I've got this down," Amanda said as she started ticking points off on her fingers. "You lot are married at seven years old. At some point you finish puberty, then this cycle kicks in, and you have to mate. The women are not exactly happy about all this because the men are so out of control at that point, I imagine the males are rather rough with them. The guys are scared to death of losing their control. Worse, they fear that when they show up for the wedding their lovely bride might blind-side them by challenging the wedding, and bringing another man to fight them to the death. So, every seven years or so, the guy can never be sure whether he'll finish the year married or dead."

"Correct," Sarek answered her. "Because my marriage bond was broken with my wife's death, I am now in the difficult position of not having a mate for my next _Pon Farr_." Sarek's face turned slightly green as he blushed. "The family sent someone to Earth intending that I bond with her. Unfortunately for you, she arrived too late."

Amanda sighed. "Okay," she stated, "I get this whole mating drive. It even makes some sense, even if I think it's a rather shitty way of leaving your husband. What I don't get is _why_ you'd want to…" Amanda trailed off unsure of what to term the relationship or whatever it was that Sarek wanted from her. Instead, she used a rather vulgar hand motion.

Sarek reached down for her hand and grasped it in his as if he was afraid she would run. "We fear, Vulcan males fear, betrayal. My first bond mate was very loyal, and I had been bonded to her since childhood. An arranged bond with a stranger is very … intimidating," Sarek's voice broke a small bit on the last word. "I would have no way to insure that this new bond mate would not…cause me harm. From the way she looked at me, I could tell it took all of her control to remain in the same room with me. On Vulcan, unbonded males are treated like dangerous wild animals."

Amanda interrupted him to snort, "I can tell." She nodded at the door and the loud banging.

Sarek nodded grimly. "Yes, they know that because my bond was broken unexpectedly there is a chance I may spontaneously enter my time even though I am not near that point in the cycle. Broken bonds can have many types of adverse effects on the survivors. In many cases, if a bond as deep as the one I shared with T'Rea is abruptly broken, the death of the surviving spouse will soon follow. I have survived, but I am not undamaged," he confessed as he dipped his head. "Amanda, I realized shortly after you began work at the embassy that you had the qualities I most wanted in my next bond mate. But you are human, and I could not ask this of you. If you had agreed, it would be very likely out of guilt only. Then, when my time came, you might break and run in fear, and I might injure you in the process."

Amanda scrunched her nose in consternation. "What about just asking me out on a date for Christ's sake? I mean, hell, Sarek, you don't just come up to someone out of the blue and ask them to shag you in seven years."

Sarek tilted his head and regarded her with confusion. He narrowed his eyes as he asked, "Date? What is a date?"

Amanda's jaw dropped. "Date. You know, you tell a girl you like her and ask her out to dinner. She either agrees or tells you to go to hell. If you're lucky, she meets you and the two of you talk about life- that sort of thing. If it goes well, you do it again. And again. And again. Until you learn enough about that person to know if you want to make a commitment to them or not. You make sure you have the same life goals, all that."

Sarek's eyebrow was in his hairline. "Vulcans do not date," he replied with a small sneer. "We do not have that luxury."

Amanda frowned, but undaunted, she continued her questioning, "Okaaayyyy, explain?"

Sarek sighed. "An unbonded adult Vulcan male is rare as are unbonded adult Vulcan females. As such, we are biologically programmed to be vigilant in locating them. Once we find a suitable individual, we fixate on them. Once that choice has been made, it is difficult to reverse. That is why unbonded Vulcan females are very careful in their behavior. They are kept away from unbonded males unless their families are seeking a match."

Amanda swallowed thickly. "Which is why I got that list from T-Lar. All those things I wasn't supposed to do, that I was to avoid _drawing your attention_," she added.

Sarek nodded. "Yes, Amanda, but by the time Sevok realized what was happening, I had already fixated on you. This is the first time such a thing has happened outside our species. We did not know it was possible."

"But," Amanda began, "then your family sent that hussy…"

Sarek raised an eyebrow and interrupted her, "She is not a 'hussy', Amanda. She was merely doing her duty to her family by attempting to redirect my attention. She failed. After you left for the Andorian embassy, a healer attempted to bond us. My mind refused the bond. My fixation on you coupled with my grief for my prior bond mate would not allow the connection to be formed."

"Maybe you just didn't like her either," Amanda asserted.

"Perhaps I didn't like her," Sarek agreed with a tiny little lift to the corner of his mouth.

Amanda ran a shaky hand through her hair. "So, you are telling me that if I don't agree to _marry_ you, you're gonna die?"

Sarek's eyes darkened. "That is why I did not tell you to begin with. You feel guilt for this; I can sense it - the projection of your thoughts."

Amanda grabbed her hand back from Sarek as if burned. "That's not fair! You're a touch telepath!" she cried.

Sarek shook his head. "No, you are loud enough that I do not have to touch you, Amanda. It is likely you have some latent psi ability which might be contributing to your capacity to attract me," he quickly explained. Giving another sigh, Sarek contiunued, "I cannot ask this of you, Amanda. I will not ask this of you. The time is brutal to even a Vulcan female. I could accidently kill you."

"I haven't agreed to anything yet," Amanda mumbled. "Isn't there some sort of fail safe? It doesn't make sense that a drive meant to _procreate_ would mean you'd kill your incubator."

Sarek raised his eyebrow in surprise again. "There have been cases in which, because the female had been injured or ill, the drive was lessened or negated to provide for the situation - but only if the bond is strong."

Amanda took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I can see why everyone was reluctant to talk about this. There's a lot to take in, and it's rather hard to grasp. I just don't understand why you'd fixate on me. I mean, T-Lar explained about Vulcan flirting and all that, but it seems so very innocent. To me, it seems ludicrous that just because I baked cookies for a sick co-worker, you would suddenly get the hots for me."

"Biological drives are not logical," Sarek supplied rather unhelpfully.

Amanda shook her head in exasperation. "I'm starting to get that. So what happens now?"

Sarek eyed her carefully. His tone was soft as he replied, "That is your choice. I will not ask anything of you, Amanda."

"Yeah, but you'll imply it," Amanda muttered and then waved a hand in silent apology. "Basically, it's me or death, right?"

When Sarek nodded once in confirmation, Amanda groaned and hung her head. She bit her lip and let her chopped-off hair fall around her like a curtain as she tried to get her thoughts in order. Finally, she raised her head and looked Sarek in the eye.

"The damage is done right?" she asked in a firm voice. This time when Sarek nodded, Amanda smiled and raised an eyebrow. "In that case, would it make any difference if we got to know each other a little bit before I make a choice? I mean, I don't want to put you though a hell of not knowing, but I'm not about to agree to anything like what you're suggesting without knowing a lot more about you. I've barely talked to you outside of work."

Sarek's expression stilled as he considered her proposal. "It could do no harm," he spoke slowly. "I have already fixated on you. I will have no other. As I have been through the time more than once and can recognize the signs, I will not be a danger to you despite what the others may believe." He nodded once in decision. "We will 'date' then."

Amanda let out a startled laugh. "You have to _ask_, Sarek. You can't just state it like that."

"Indeed," he stated. Then, raising an eyebrow, he climbed quickly to his feet and offered a hand to help her. "Then, Amanda Grayson, may I formally inquire of your willingness to take dinner with me tomorrow evening, as a _date_?"

Amanda placed a hand over her heart and gave a small curtsy. Using her best Southern-bell accent she quipped, "Why, of course, Mr. Sarek, I'd be delighted."

He quirked his eyebrow at her again clearly missing the joke, but he offered her his arm as he'd seen human males do at Federation functions and lead her to the door. Outside the door, they found the same group, this time setting up some kind of equipment obviously intent on overriding the door codes.

T-Lar blinked at them in confusion before her eyes settled on Amanda's hand where it rested inside the bend of Sarek's arm. "Amanda, are you alright?"

Amanda gave a brilliant smile and moved away from Sarek and started towards her room. "Perfectly fine, T-Lar. I've got a date for tomorrow night," she told her friend sweetly.

"Date?" T-Lar asked in confusion as Amanda walk away.

Shras' laughter followed her all the way back to her room where Amanda fell into bed too tired to even contemplate the full implications of what she'd learned and agreed too.

By the time T-Lar recovered and came to make sure she had really gone to bed, Amanda was already in a deep if somewhat fitful sleep.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you again to my wonderful beta elise!_


	11. Curiosity

_A/N: I want to thank everyone for their reviews! I noticed there was some concern about Amanda's motives. You all are beating me to it! This chapter and the next are totally devoted to Amanda's motivations and her soul searching. I'd been planning on hashing it all out. Sorry it wasn't fast enough! I always enjoy constructive criticism so call me out if you think I missed something. Sometimes I've got an internalized concept of the *way things are* that may not have been fully explained - particularly if it relates to Vulcan culture or a person's motives. FYI: Chapter 13 will be the first date, so keep your pants on. There will be MUCH more Sarek/Amanda discussion then and from that point it will be constant. For now we're building up to it. _

_As for the question I posed in an earlier chapter... I will keep this at it's current rating. I may, depending on the plot bunny gods of smut, write out the entire encounter and post it on my website. I'll let you know if and when that happens. I estimate that would be around chapter 16 or 17. I'm rather found of alien sex how to manuals as someone put it, but I know it can get boring fast.  
_

* * *

When Amanda opened her eyes the next morning, she found a very vexed looking T-Lar eyeing her from the chair next to the bed. She held a hand up to stop Amanda from speaking.

"It is vital we come to an understanding," T-Lar told her quietly. "I do not understand why you are doing this, but I will attempt to support you. Sarek is from an important clan and has done much in his life deserving of respect. I do not wish harm to him or to you. However, I must know this. If you mean to follow such a course of action to its logical conclusion, no matter the risk to yourself, I would know why. If your reasoning is sound, I will be of what assistance I can. But, Amanda, if I do not trust your logic or your motives, I will find a way to protect Sarek as well as you. I will not lose my friend and I would not see Vulcan lose Sarek."

Amanda sighed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "You know, a 'Good morning, Amanda. How did you sleep?' might have been a better thing to wake up to."

T-Lar raised an eyebrow at her, and Amanda couldn't help but sigh again as she sat up in bed and leaned back against the pillow. "Okay, I get it. You think I'm barmy."

"What is barmy?" T-Lar asked in confusion. "Does that mean you are infected with a 'barm' ?"

Amanda couldn't stop herself from laughing. "No, it . . ." she bit back another chuckle. "It means 'crazy', 'off my rocker', 'one brick short of a load'. You know, 'mentally unstable.' "

T-Lar's eyebrow rose again. "If I understand the cultural nuance correctly, then yes, I do think you are 'barmy'."

Amanda snorted and moved to get up off the bed. She swayed a bit when she stood, no doubt she was still a little off-kilter from the events of the _Douglas_ and the change to Vulcan's higher gravity. It felt like she was not only walking through pudding but also trying to breathe it in, too. T-Lar stood quickly and pressed a hypospray filled with tri-ox into her upper arm, and within seconds Amanda could breathe easier, feeling some of her fatigue melt into the background. "Thanks." Amanda looked around the room and then back at her friend. "Clothes? Did you happen to have something I could borrow? I don't think my bags made it off the _Douglas_."

T-Lar nodded and got up to retrieve a Vulcan style dress and slippers from a small cabinet and handed them to Amanda. "These were a gift from Sartok's family to honor your service. There are others. I have made a room for you in my home if you will consent to be in my presence after all that has transpired."

Amanda took the dress from her and smiled. "You are my best friend, you and Shras. I can't hold it against either of you that you want to protect me. But I need you to understand that I'm not incapable of protecting myself. I'm also fully competent to make my own choices, if you give me the information to work with. As for the room, I'd love to stay with you. I can't expect the Priestesses are too happy to have me here. I'm surprised they've kept me here this long, and that they let Shras in at all."

T-Lar turned to the cabinet again and withdrew several human style undergarments and fingered the material slowly before handing them over as well. "They are not pleased." Her hand trailed off the pile of clothing in Amanda's arms slowly. "Shras has gone to the Embassy. Now that we know you are recovered he desired a more appropriate climate. The heat is not conducive to his recovery."

"Yeah, I bet he was miserable here," Amanda agreed and then looked around again in confusion. "Ah, I can't believe I haven't asked before, but where's the bathroom?"

T-Lar raised her eyebrow. "We have been feeding you with a nutrient supplement and using a fluid replacement device. You have not required facilities during your recovery. You have not ingested food or liquid since the _Douglas_."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "I don't even want to ask how you lot managed that or why I'm still not the least bit hungry – your medical shenanigans are mind boggling - but I do need a shower and place to change."

T-Lar nodded as she gestured for Amanda to follow her. They headed down the hall, Amanda trying in vain to hold onto the bundle of clothing and smooth her hair at the same time.

T- Lar ignored her plight in favor of a quick pace. "You were given another treatment during your sleep last night. It should provide you with sufficient nutrition and fluids for the next 3.5 hours by which time we should be at my home. The temple does not have a liquid shower, nor does my home. Will sonics suffice?"

"At this point I'd take a sand scrubbing if it got rid of this hospital feel," Amanda replied and sighed gratefully as T-Lar opened a door into a very modern looking bathroom done up in something close to standard Federation style – a testament to how influential Vulcan really was since Amanda had a suspicion she was looking at the original.

T-Lar tilted her head and narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Amanda, you have not been in a hospital. The Priestesses called a healer to come to you at the temple so they could monitor your mental and physical health simultaneously."

"It's the idea that I've been unconscious, poked, prodded, and generally not in charge of my body," Amanda replied. "It makes humans want a shower, sonic or not. I'll be out in minute." Amanda shut the door and then leaned against it for a long moment before she set down the clothes.

_Things are getting complicated_, she thought to herself as she fumbled with the settings on the sonic shower. Carefully, she peeled away the sleeping gown T-Lar had placed her in during her convalescence. Amanda rubbed at the skin on her arms, feeling the dry powdery coating start to flake off. She'd found the stuff her first time on Vulcan. It was an age-old Vulcan hygiene product meant to soften skin. On a human, the powder worked like a dry bath and stopped a lot of the smell Vulcans complained about. When left on, it stopped a significant amount of moisture loss. Of course, it also meant you didn't sweat like normal so you had to be careful of heat stroke. T-Lar must have informed the healer of Amanda's discovery and to help out with the fluid replacement, and likely the sensitive noses of the Priestesses, they'd applied it.

Amanda stepped into the sonics and let the vibrations remove all of the powder. She'd kill for a water shower, but that wasn't going to happen. The only one on the planet, as far as she was aware, was in the Terran Embassy.

It didn't take long for the sonics to work off the grimy feeling of powder and sick room, but Amanda stayed under the vibrations long past that point, letting the gentle waves release some of her tension.

Yesterday had been illuminating. Yesterday had also been potentially ill-advised.

Amanda sighed and rested her forehead against the wall letting the sonics hit her back and shoulders. When would she learn? Curiosity kills not only cats but a significant amount of humans as well. And she was curious. Her curiosity drove her to Vulcan all those years ago to study. It compelled her to learn languages no human tongue was ever meant form. It made her yearn and strive and seek and befriend. Now, it made her agree to a courtship she wasn't quite sure was in her best interest. How was she going to explain this to T-Lar?

The manipulative side of her personality realized that Sarek's position and family made him not only rich, but powerful. His position as an ambassador would make it possible for her to explore and travel – see things most people couldn't even imagine. She'd never have to worry about the taxes or her allocation again. She'd be allocated whatever she desired, Sarek would see to it. That was pretty obvious.

But that wasn't fair to him. 'Is it more fair to let him die rather than take advantage of him?' her darker half whispered.

'Ah, but what if there's more to it?' An answering voice in Amanda's head gleefully added. 'What if you're considering this for more than the security and opportunities it might bring?'

Amanda wasn't a fool. The instant she'd taken the job at the Vulcan embassy, she'd tried her hardest to make a good impression. A job with the Vulcan Diplomatic Service would have been her ticket off Earth and out from under the allocation system. She'd always considered herself an opportunistic pragmatist. Her time there had made her financially stable, for the moment, and her job for Shras gave her more options. But this thing with Sarek, this was one hell of an opportunity and in many ways quite practical. In a coldly logical way, it was even sensible. Speaking from a purely pragmatic standpoint, it was worth considering – maybe even worth gambling on.

Emotionally, Amanda wasn't sure of herself or her motives. She liked Sarek, the little she knew of him. She'd always trusted her gut instincts, and in his case she'd… If she was completely honest with herself, then she'd have to admit that she despised him until she'd learned that he had a sense of humor. Once that revelation hit her, things had started to fall into place. Suddenly, she'd started to enjoy his company. The last year, she'd even found herself missing him. And her gut was telling her that in this very special instance her first impression had been wrong. There was more to this Vulcan.

The way he joked with Shras made him seem almost Human, and the way he was pained by violence made Amanda realize he might be worth getting to know.

The way he had given her a chance and appreciated her skills made her just want to hug him. No one else on Earth seemed to value her ability or interest in linguistics. If she'd been interested in cryptography, like T-Lar, there would have been a great deal of interest from Star Fleet. But she wasn't and there was the universal translator now. They didn't need her. They didn't see a value in her work, her passion.

Sarek had hired her sight unseen because he wanted someone to do what the translator could not, and he'd thought enough of her professional skills to add her to his staff. He'd also thought enough of her personally that when his situation became apparent, he'd tried to protect her and keep her career intact. Translating Andorian cultural works wasn't the grandest of adventures, but it was solid, interesting work. Shras gave her a job, but like Star Fleet, he didn't quite understand her potential. Not like Sarek.

Amanda turned the sonics off and slowly stepped out of the shower. Sarek was complicated. There was something to him, something behind the dark eyes that made her curious. Curiosity was bad. Curiosity made her stay at the Vulcan Embassy after the first warnings. Curiosity made her drop formalities with him. Curiosity made her agree to tonight.

She pulled on the dress and brushed out her hair.

How far was she willing to go for curiosity?


	12. Numbness

T-Lar's house was just like Amanda remembered. The stone building was ancient and rose out of the desert like an organic being – all smooth lines and flowing architecture. Like most Vulcan homes, it was communal. Multiple families lived inside the dwelling, each with their own set of rooms. There was a large communal kitchen on the main floor along with larger meeting areas. At one point in Vulcan history, households of this size would have been completely self-sufficient, each one with their own water source and crop supply, but after Surak had ended the wars, estates of this size had given way to smaller, more private homes.

While the popularity of the newer, single-family dwellings was undeniable, the majority of the older, established families still lived in their ancient communal structures. T-Lar's husband Tesek was a direct descendant of the House of Temak which had, despite the larger clan's opposition, completely supported Surak and his philosophy. As such there was a long history of alliance between Sarek's clan and the household.

Amanda entered the main floor cautiously. While Vulcan's strict traditions of privacy would mean the rest of the household was unlikely to question T-Lar in Amanda's presence, previous experience told her they were usually less than pleased with their youngest daughter concerning her human guest.

T-Lar shut the giant door behind them, blocking out the desert sands and drawing the attention of the half dozen mingling family members. Almost as one they turned to see who had entered. Amanda broke into a wide grin when she caught sight of Sevok. For a moment she'd forgotten Sevok was T-Lar's brother-in-law, a fairly close relationship on Vulcan with little distinction between true siblings and siblings by marriage.

Sevok's expression lightened considerably when he realized who it was with T-Lar. He quickly crossed the open area and laid a gentle hand on Amanda's arm, as he would have for his own daughter. "Amanda, you are safe?" His voice was barely steady as he looked her up and down to make sure.

"I'm fine, Sevok. I suppose you know what's happened?" Amanda answered and smiled gently as Sevok squeezed her arm one last time before letting go.

"I was advised of the situation when I arrived on Vulcan. As Ambassador Sarek's aide, I had the necessary security clearance to be given pertinent information." Sevok nodded at T-Lar in greeting. "I am gratified that you have accepted T-Lar's invitation to our home. In my old age, I find that I enjoy the company of my daughters."

Amanda's eyes teared up. "Oh, Sevok…I…" an older Vulcan woman approached them with soft steps and Sevok turned to her with his paired fingers held out. Amanda realized it was his wife, T-Sehl. When Sevok and Sarek had been ordered to Earth she had remained behind on Vulcan due to poor health. It was obvious from the way the two older Vulcans touched that both were positively relieved to back in each other's presence. From the sunken appearance of T-Sehl's eyes and the way her dress hung loosely on her frame, it was evident that her health had not improved.

T-Sehl slowly turned her attention to Amanda and T-Lar. Amanda relaxed as T-Sehl's expression softened to mirror the gentle look of her husband. "Welcome home, house daughter, T-Lar. Welcome chosen daughter, Amanda. I am pleased to finally meet the one my husband has taken as _pudvel-tor__ko-fu_. Your actions have proven you worthy of his mentorship."

Amanda couldn't stop a blush at T-Sehl's greeting, and the older Vulcan's expression softened even further at the sight. "I have spent the majority of my life in diplomatic service, Amanda. I believe fully in the principles of IDIC. You are welcome here. As the Elders of the house it is Sevok's and my right to accept you." T-Sehl gave a dark look behind her to where a small gathering of younger Vulcans was beginning to form. "Pay them no mind."

T-Lar stepped forward. "T-Sehl, Sevok, thank you for your welcome. I have been absent too long at the temple. I was unaware you had arrived on planet, _sa-kai_."

Sevok nodded and started to lead the small group out of the communal area and into the passage Amanda remember lead to T-Lar's set of rooms. "I returned this morning. I have not yet had an opportunity to contact Sarek. Was there a reason for his continued presence at the temple?" While Sevok's question was asked in an even tone, his eyes gazed with suspicion down at Amanda.

Amanda sighed heavily and spoke before T-Lar could answer. "I think we need to have a talk, Sevok. Somethings have…developed. I'd rather be the one to try and explain it unless T-Lar objects?"

T-Lar raised an eyebrow. "I have no objection, Amanda. Perhaps Sevok can make you understand how illogical your behavior is." She stopped the group outside a plain door a little way down from her quarters with her husband. "I ordered this suite prepared for your use. It is not large, but it should suffice for your stay. I had your gifts placed inside."

Sevok nodded. "I took the liberty of going by your apartment before leaving Earth. I enlisted your friend Kathy from the university and gathered items we thought you would find useful. I apologize if we have missed anything of importance." Sevok's mouth quirked in irritation. "Kathy was most…unhelpful. I am not well versed in the necessary hygiene or grooming equipment you require. I asked for assistance, but she was unable to contain her amusement."

Amanda had to chuckle. "Kathy's prone to giggling. She probably couldn't get her mind wrapped around the fact that there was a Vulcan man going through my underwear drawer let alone my bathroom cabinet."

"Have I caused offense?" Sevok drew himself up sharply. "I did not mean to violate your privacy."

Amanda shook her head gently and pushed the door open, waving the three Vulcans inside with her. "Not at all. It's just not something Kathy would be able to watch without her mind going straight to the gutter. Ignore her, and you'll be happier." Amanda looked around the sitting room and nodded in approval. It was actually a much larger set of rooms than she'd been allocated on Earth.

T-Lar set down the small bundle of clothing she'd brought back from the temple and took her leave. That left Amanda facing a curious Sevok and his wife, a Vulcan woman she'd just met. Experience told her it would be rude to ask T-Sehl to leave, especially considering the fact that Sevok had only just arrived home. As was customary, T-Sehl would have the same security clearance as her husband so there wasn't a reason she couldn't know about the _Douglas_. As for the situation with Sarek…Amanda flinched. _Oh boy_, she thought to herself. _This is going to be one hell of a conversation. _

Sevok settled himself and his wife on one of the long benches, and he raised an eyebrow at Amanda asking silently for her to begin her explanation.

Amanda sat down across from them, fiddling with the sash on her dress nervously. "I don't know exactly where to start."

"_K__o-fu__, _daughter, first I wish to know you are truly alright," Sevok said gently. "You are not trained, but you carried a _katra_. The priestesses are not adept at interacting with a human mind. I hope they did not do you damage."

"I feel fine, no headache. I'm still exhausted," Amanda answered quietly. "I was unconscious through the whole thing so I can't tell you if they hurt me or not. Regardless, they did what they had to, and I seem okay now."

T-Sehl leaned forward and with a gentle hand lifted Amanda's chin to look her in the eye. "You are _pudvel-tor__ko-fu__, _chosen daughter to this house. That means, Amanda-am, that you need not fear embarrassment in our presence. Sevok has chosen to mentor you, and in doing so, he has made you one of our Clan. Please, child, what bothers thee?"

Amanda's lip quivered, and she couldn't help it as tears started to fall. The past two days had stripped her confidence, and she was so tired... T-Sehl was instantly next to her, holding her; Amanda could feel the older woman sending her comfort. It felt like having her own mother holding her again, and Amanda cried even harder. Sevok didn't seem to know what to do, but T-Sehl gently rocked her until Amanda got a hold of herself. "You are not the first daughter I have walked through this choice, Amanda-am." T-Sehl whispered in her ear. "Sevok will understand your fears and your confusion, as will I. Ask your questions and tell us what it is that causes these tears."

Amanda sniffed. "I don't know why I'm crying." She took a shaky breath. "I honestly don't. I don't have a reason to cry."

T-Sehl rubbed her shoulder and made a tisking sound. "The cause is sufficient to break even a Vulcan's _kya'shin_. You were nearly killed. You saw people you were well acquainted with die. You carried a _katra_ while unprepared. You had that _katra_ removed from you while you were not conscious of the process. You awake to find you are on a forbidden mountain on Vulcan. And, if I am correct in my hypothesis, you were given the truth of Vulcan's shame and asked to take that burden upon yourself – all in comparatively short period of time."

Sevok's head snapped up at that, and he eyed the two across from him critically. "T-Sehl, you have heard this?"

His wife shook her head and gently brushed Amanda's hair back behind her ears. "No, my husband, but I have eyes and I can feel her confusion. This child is clearly in distress. What else could have taken place to leave her in such a state? Having knowledge of Sarek's plight and his continued presence at the temple - it is only logical."

Sevok raised an eyebrow at this and looked to Amanda. "Is my wife correct?"

Amanda took another shaky breath, and T-Sehl withdrew her physical touch to give her some privacy. "Pretty much, yes."

Sevok closed his eyes, and his lips pressed into a thin line. He stayed in thought for a moment before he opened his eyes again and locked them on Amanda's. "What was your choice?"

Amanda stood up abruptly and started to pace. "I haven't made one. I can't make one. There's still so much I don't know, don't understand. How can you expect me to make that kind of choice without even having the time to think about it?"

"It is not to be made lightly," T-Sehl agreed. "You must know your mind. Again, ask your questions, daughter and we will answer."

Amanda stopped pacing and opened and closed her mouth for a moment before sitting down heavily on the bench and shaking her head. "Now that I've got the chance, the only thing I can think of is what in the world am I going to wear." At the confused look on the two Vulcan's faces Amanda explained her confrontation with Sarek and their agreement to 'get to know one another' and the date scheduled for later in the evening. Sevok looked slightly appalled at the notion, but T-Sehl was contemplative.

"There is logic in this. You are not Vulcan and have not been raised to accept this. There are requirements for your personal welfare that must be addressed that are not taken into consideration by Vulcan tradition. To agree to bond with Sarek would mean you would no longer have a home on Earth. You would be leaving your people and your culture for another."

"I do not understand," Sevok's voice was cold, "why we discuss this. Amanda, you will not take this risk. You will return to Earth where you are safe."

Amanda snorted and looked up at him from her spot on the floor. "Safe? Is that your only concern? What about Sarek?"

Sevok raised an eyebrow. "I believe that of all parties in this room I am in the best position to understand Sarek's plight. As our House and his clan have been allied for millennia I do not wish him harm. But you are not prepared to accept the risks nor the price of this arrangement. Had I an un-bonded Vulcan daughter such an alliance would be wise. As you are not Vulcan, the cost-benefit analysis does not favor your accepting the bond."

Amanda shook her head. "I can't just let him die."

"Then your choice is made." T-Sehl cut in forcefully. "Do not concern yourself with Sarek, Amanda, or you truly have made your choice. If he will have no other, then his fate is set. Yours is yet to be determined. Go on your 'date'. Go on several. Find where you mind rests on this issue and meditate on the paths set before you. You are in the unique position of having the ability to choose the course of your life path. So long as Sarek is well monitored, you will be safe enough to risk these encounters. No matter your ultimate decision you will have acted honorably and will have at least considered the matter."

Sevok sighed. "I do not know why I bother to argue with you, _k'diwa_. Go on your 'date', Amanda. I will supervise from a distance to insure your safety. I suppose I should be grateful you are giving the matter serious consideration."

Amanda let herself fall backward to stare up at the high stone ceiling. "So far, Sevok, I haven't had the energy or time for serious consideration. At the moment, all I'm managing is flying by the seat of my pants."


	13. Decisiveness

Amanda didn't have the Vulcan time sense, but by her estimation she'd lain on the floor for a good two hours at least while T-Sehl and Sevok quietly argued about her 'date' and Sevok's plan to accompany her. Her past experience on Vulcan gave Amanda the knowledge that while hard, the floor was the coolest part of the house. She wasn't yet acclimated to the heat, and the cool stones felt good through the thin carpeting. She must have fallen asleep at some point because it wasn't until Sevok was gently picking her up and carrying her to the bed that she realized how much time must have passed.

The silky fabric felt heavenly, and she settled into the fluffy bedding like a contented cat, even allowing herself a tiny purr. Amanda let herself drift in and out of awareness for some time. She'd blink awake to find T-Lar or T-Sehl moving about the rooms putting her things where they thought she'd want them. Once or twice she caught Sevok watching her protectively from the sidelines. Amanda knew she should get up and help, but it felt so good to _rest_ that she couldn't seem to make her limbs move. She didn't even contemplate stirring until she could no longer ignore her need to use the bathroom. By that time the three Vulcan visitors had settled back in the sitting room and were unpacking what appeared to be nearly the entire contents of her apartment.

Amanda stretched and reluctantly left the comfort of the bed to use the facilities. When she finally entered the front room, she found Sevok and T-Lar arguing heatedly about the placement and purpose of her mother's antique lava lamp.

"It must be a meditation device. I thought it highly important and made sure it arrived here safely," Sevok argued and pointed at the swirling globs of color. "They are most soothing."

T-Lar shook her head. "I have seen this device before, _sa-kai. _I assure you it is merely decorative and does not deserve a place of honor in the meditation cove." T-Lar's expression darkened. "Despite my frequent attempts to teach Amanda even the most basic medication techniques she has never accepted instruction. It is, therefore, illogical to even prepare a medication cove for her use - never mind the inclusion of this…_creation_."

"Amanda's prior experiences may not have been sufficient to impress the importance of a clear mind. I am sure that during the coming days she will find the need," Sevok answered smugly. "Having a familiar aid to meditation may assist her."

Neither had noticed her presence yet, but Sevok's wife T-Sehl had and as the other two bickered, she slipped silently up to Amanda's side, shook her head slightly, and pointed her chin at the arguing pair. A small smile tugged the corner of her mouth. "If not for the two centuries of age difference, I would think them blood brother and sister the way they quarrel," T-Sehl whispered.

Amanda giggled, the sound stopping the argument.

Sevok clearly wasn't about to give up, however, and he pointed at the lamp and without preamble demanded, "Explain the purpose of this device, Amanda."

Amanda choked down her laughter and gave a shrug. "Your guess is as good as mine. It was my mother's. She collected quite a few antiques. Most of them are in storage in the barn at the family lake property, but I couldn't leave that lamp there because it would have frozen in the winter." Amanda screwed her nose up in confusion, "I could have sworn I had it stuffed in the back of a storage closet."

Sevok's eyebrow rose. "This device was located in a place for storage? Why would such an item be placed there? I found it in a small empty room. Was that not your place for private reflection?"

Amanda blushed as she confessed, "Ah, it's supposed to be where I hang my clothes."

"Then why were they scattered across your floor in small piles?" Sevok asked innocently.

T-Lar looked smug. "Because, although Amanda understands the logic of placing her garments in their proper receptacles, she has never been able to maintain the practice."

Amanda groaned. "Alright, I admit it. I'm horrible at housekeeping. It's a good thing I only have a two room apartment, or I might create a new ecosystem from dust bunnies and unwashed dishes." Amanda sighed and looked around the room trying to figure out what all they were unpacking. "Sevok, about my apartment…. _this practically is my apartment_! Did you leave anything behind?"

Sevok drew himself up. "Amanda, your friend was most unhelpful. I did not know how long you would be on Vulcan recovering and thought it best to provide for your needs. Since I was not aware what your needs were, I brought anything I could. I left the majority of your books behind as well as your decorations."

"Yet you brought my curtains," Amanda stated with a smile and shook her head as she pointed at the window where her blue lace curtains were hanging, looking completely ridiculous against the Vulcan décor. Sighing to herself, Amanda changed the topic of conversation. "What time is it? I'm not sure when I'm supposed to be meeting Sarek."

T-Lar reluctantly answered. "You have 4.8 hours until your 'date'. May I suggest you take a light meal while we discuss this further?"

Amanda shrugged and sat down on the bench that now sported her assortment of mismatched throw pillows.

T-Sehl positively beamed, in that odd Vulcan way, and seemed to conjure a tray of food from thin air. She reminded Amanda vividly of her grandmother. Amanda quickly found herself wolfing down an entire plate of buttered Vulcan veggies while her companions tried to analyze her every move. When Sevok pulled out a scanner to check her vital signs for the third time since she'd sat down to eat, Amanda took a deep calming breath and set her fork down.

"Alright. I've slept, eaten, cleaned-up, and evidently been unpacked," Amanda stated calmly. "Now, is there any other tests you'd like to perform, tasks you'd like to see completed, or pilgrimages I have to make before you lot stop hovering?" Amanda's voice got progressively louder until the last words were nearly shouted.

Slowly, Sevok put away his scanner. The three guilty Vulcans just stared at her as they all sat down facing her. As she faced what looked like a Vulcan firing squad, Amanda had to struggle to keep her composure. It was only the slightly amused glint in T-Sehl's eye that made it possible for Amanda to keep it together and not back away.

"You will do this?" T-Lar asked in a firm voice. "You will tempt fate in this manner?"

Amanda drew herself up sharply, "Yes."

"You will not be dissuaded?" Sevok asked.

"No," Amanda answered and raised her eyebrow in question, silently asking if T-Sehl would also question her.

The elderly Vulcan tilted her head and regarded Amanda for a long moment. "My husband and my sister do not believe you know the full implications of this choice. I believe you are as aware as an outsider can be. Yet you have chosen the path of _life_. You respect Sarek and you honor him, and Vulcan, with your decision. I will not question your motives, Amanda-am. Your reasons are as private to you as they would be to any Vulcan so I will extend the right of privacy to you as I would my own daughter. I do not need reassurance. All I require is that I have your word you will come to me if you require guidance. I have experience you may yet find of value." At her words, Sevok blushed slightly green.

Amanda gave a shaky smile to her new friend and made a solemn promise to go to T-Sehl if and when she needed her. The Vulcan woman nodded once decisively and stood up slowly from the bench as if the efforts of the day were starting to wear on her.

"Sevok, please go and inquire as to this evenings arrangements. I believe Sarek is well enough acquainted with human nutritional requirements to procure a suitable dinner, but I believe we should insure that the environment is…appropriate," T-Sehl instructed her husband in a soft voice. "T-Lar and I will see to Amanda's personal preparations."

Sevok looked displeased at being so quickly dismissed, but one look at his determined wife's face and he nodded in acceptance. "I will do so, my wife. Do not stay too long; you require rest. The healer's instructions were quite explicit."

T-Sehl waved a hand dismissively as she carefully sat back down on the bench. "All the rest in the universe cannot aid me now, husband. My time is limited. I choose to spend it in aiding another as is my right. I will join you in our quarters shortly. Do not concern yourself."

Sevok held out his paired fingers, and T-Sehl brushed hers against them slowly. Sevok hesitated another moment before he finally turned and exited the room.

The door shut behind him, and T-Sehl visibly shrunk, leaning heavily into the pillows. T-Lar was by her side instantly, pushing one of the now empty boxes over to elevate her feet. Amanda grabbed a blanket off the bed and carefully placed it over the elderly woman.

"Thank you for your concern, but I am fine," T-Sehl sighed. "It is difficult when Sevok is here. For him, I must appear in better health than I am, or I would not be allowed out of our rooms."

"You should not tax yourself," T-Lar told her as she smoothed the blanket and gazed with sad eyes at her sister-in-law. "Is there truly nothing the healers can do?"

T-Sehl shook her head. "No, there is not." Upon seeing the look of confusion on Amanda's face, T-Sehl clarified. "I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer many years ago. When I was young, I served aboard a science vessel that was damaged during a warp experiment. The radiation exposure created a unique form of cancer among the crew. The healers have managed to keep it at bay for many years, but age has weakened me. It is predicted that I will have at most another 6 months." T-Sehl caught Amanda's gaze and held it. "I will not be here for Sevok's next time. Should he survive the breaking of our bond at my death, he will be faced with the same fate as Sarek. I take your side in this, Amanda, because I hope that the universe will be kind to my husband and deliver him an equal chance for life after my death as you now offer Sarek after his wife's."

Amanda's eyes prickled and she fought back tears. "T-Sehl…"

The woman waved off Amanda's concern. "I have taken good care of my husband, Amanda. I only wish that another woman may continue to treat him kindly when I am gone. It seems that the males of our line are cursed with short-lived wives. We have perfected the art of selecting second mates. We chose well in T-Lar, and I am sure that when I am gone they will choose another just as capable for Sevok. It is only…I worry, Amanda. I worry that without the closeness of a childhood bond Sevok will…be lonely. As you contemplate your choice with Sarek, it shows that there is yet a possibly that Sevok will find someone compatible to him."

T-Sehl cleared her throat abruptly shaking off her weariness with visible effort. "Enough of this. T-Lar, you unpacked Amanda's clothing. Did you find anything suitable for this evening? I recall she was concerned about her attire."

T-Lar's lips hardened into a tight line, but she obediently stood and went to retrieve a stack of clothing she'd set aside. She pulled a red dress off the top of the pile and handed it to an appalled Amanda.

"I can't wear that!" Amanda sputtered. "It's…inappropriate." She shoved the dress back at T-Lar, shaking her head and cringing.

T-Lar took the garment back and stared down at it in confusion. "Did you not once refer to this as your 'date' dress? You wore it on one when we were at the academy together."

Amanda choked and shook her head so violently her hair stung her eyes. "No, no, no, no, no! That's not a date dress, that's a '_fuck me'_ dress. Very big difference. I can't go to a dinner with Sarek in that!"

T-Lar held the dress up and looked at T-Sehl in confusion. "This garment is required for human mating practices?"

Amanda jumped up and snatched the dress, punching it up and hugging it to her chest. "Not exactly." She sighed and sat back down, still clutching the dress. "How do I explain this?" Amanda gave another sigh and fiddled with a stray thread. "The way a human dresses is a way of communicating, I guess you could say. What you wear sends a message. You dress one way if you want to show someone respect, another if you want to impress them, yet another if you are trying to put them at ease, and yet another if you want to show an…interest."

T-Sehl held her hand out silently asking for the dress and Amanda slowly handed it over. The elderly Vulcan smoothed the dress out across her knees and stared at as if it was a coded message. "Humans associate red with danger. The garment is a very bright red and is close-fitted. There is significance here?"

Amanda nodded and unconsciously slipped into what she thought as her 'academic' mode. She always felt more at ease when she was explaining about a culture rather than just herself. "Yes, there is. Red isn't just a sign of danger. It also stands for passion, lust, romantic love - all things associated with a potential mate. The tightness of the dress and the shortness of the skirt are also indications that the person wearing it may be open to a sexual situation, if the man acts appropriately. If a woman wears a dress like this on a date, her partner can assume she's willing to put out."

"Put out?" T-Sehl asked with a raised eyebrow. "You mean that she is willing to mate?" T-Sehl looked down at the dress and poked it with her finger. "From nothing more than a dress? I did not realize humans displayed such overt signs of mating. It reminds me of a _ye-or-chi_, one of our desert birds. They display bright plumage when they are preparing for mating."

Amanda blushed and cleared her throat trying to regain her detachment. "It's not that simple. The dress doesn't assure that, uh, mating will occur; it means that there is the possibility. I've only worn that thing once and it was…," Amanda glanced at T-Lar, and her blush depended. "And let's just say I was trying very hard to attract a certain human grad student, one of only a handful that was on Vulcan during my time at the Academy. Unfortunately, while he did get the message, I'd decided by the end of the date that I'd rather have cut my arm off than sleep with him. That's been on the hanger since."

T-Lar's eyebrows had risen to her hairline during Amanda's explanation. She was tinged slightly green as she took the dress back from T-Sehl. "Pardon me, Amanda. I assumed the dress was…proper for a human date. It is no shorter than what is in fashion for most Off-worlders. I have, in fact, seen a few Vulcans in such a garment."

Amanda grimaced. "Normally I'm far more…demure."

T-Sehl's lip quirked. "Indeed. If your dress is meant to send a message, Amanda, I suggest you send a translation to Sarek ahead of your 'date'. While such a thing is not unheard of on Vulcan, we are unlikely to interpret the same message as you intend."

"That is what I was afraid of," Amanda agreed. "On Earth, a skimpy dress like that on a first date would tell someone I was a slut. Here, it's nothing," Amanda sighed and glanced at the rest of the pile T-Lar had set aside. Amanda made her way hesitantly over to the stack and picked up a long black skirt and matching blouse. "This," Amanda paused, shook her head, and set it to the side. "That won't work either. For starters, I'd roast in this heat. Secondly, that's my funeral dress. If I wore that, I'd be saying I wasn't interested and had only agreed to this date out of a since of obligation."

T-Sehl nodded in agreement. "Black is a common color on Vulcan. The garments are similar to what an un-bonded Vulcan female would wear to try and avoid attracting a male's attentions. Sarek would likely interpret your wearing it to mean you were no longer considering him."

Amanda pushed the black outfit even further away and reached for the suit T-Lar had laid out next. Amanda eyed it carefully. "This is what I normally wear to work. I guess I could wear this. He's seen it plenty of times before though."

"Is that considered improper for a date?" T-Lar asked.

"No," Amanda shook her head and pushed the suit to the side with the black outfit. "It's just, if you really like someone, you generally put a little effort into what you wear on your dates. This would say that I didn't care." Amanda picked up the next dress and laughed. "I forgot I had this."

T-Sehl held her hand out, and Amanda passed her the dress. It was something Kathy had talked her into buying, and she'd never worn it. It was one of those trendy things, a sundress made out of some gauzy fabric. It was a brilliant blue color, and Kathy had sworn it matched her eyes. Only it was sleeveless and floor length and the skirt was so full Amanda felt like she could drown in it. It was beautiful, but it wasn't practical. It was too casual for anything formal and too awkward to wear everyday. It had languished in the bag it had come in, stuffed in the same closet as the lava lamp.

"This dress is from Earth?" T-Sehl asked softly as she fingered the fabric. "The priestesses wear something similar to this when they are initiates, only in white. This is also more fitted." T-Sehl looked at Amanda questioningly. "What would wearing this say?"

Amanda chewed her bottom lip in thought. "Well, it's more dressy than I'd usually go for, but that kind of fabric is generally considered informal. It would say I put effort in, that I care. It's not really all that revealing, but it does show off my…,"Amanda blushed. "Well, human women like to accentuate their breasts, and that dress does do a supreme job at that."

T-Sehl nodded and looked questioningly at T-Lar. "It is similar to traditional Vulcan fashion, yet different enough to remind Sarek she is human. If I am interpreting Amanda correctly, it would also convey her interest but not her willingness to immediately agree to any proposition Sarek might make."

T-Lar thought for a moment. "The color is rare on Vulcan, as you are. It will serve to highlight this fact. The cut and fabric is similar to traditional Vulcan dress, as T-Sehl has said. On one of us it would be considered 'old fashioned'. It is more reveling than an unbound female would normally choose to wear in the presence of an unbound male, but not drastically so. I believe it is suitable."

Amanda looked at the dress skeptically. "Yeah, but I don't know if I can walk in it without tripping."

* * *

Walk she did. Trip she also did, right down the front steps as Sevok lead her out of the house and to a waiting air car. He caught her and raised an eyebrow in question. Amanda blushed and looked behind her to where T-Sehl and T-Lar were watching. T-Lar looked amused, and the older Vulcan simply shook her head. "Walk slowly, Amanda, or the fabric will catch," T-Sehl instructed.

Amanda's blush depended, but she nodded in understanding and stepped into the car. Sevok followed her in and shut the door a little harder than necessary. "I should have left that in your closet with the lamp," he muttered.

Amanda glanced down at her outfit self-consciously. "They said this would work."

Sevok closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the driver started the car and lifted them into the air. "It is a proper dress, perhaps too proper. It…is a unique experience to see what is obviously a human garment yet so closely resembles one of our traditional dresses. I imagine Sarek will appreciate the aesthetics."

Amanda chose to translate that into 'You look quite sexy, Amanda. I'm not sure I want my daughter looking this good on her first date.' Amanda smiled at Sevok and leaned back into the seat. "So, what's the game plan?"

Sevok sighed and shook his head. "You try my control, Amanda-am. The plan is simple. You will have dinner with Sarek at his estate. It would cause a disruption if you were to appear in public together. I have chosen one of the public eating areas. It will assure that you are not isolated with him, but it will afford some privacy from the other occupants of the house. I will sit with the others of his household at a distance. It will allow your conversation to remain private but afford me a view of you at all times. Should the situation become…problematic, simply look my direction. I will assist."

Amanda nodded and fiddled with her skirt. "Sevok, do you think I'm really in danger?"

He patted her arm once and made a noncommittal sound. "Minimal danger, but…these things are not done for a reason. The practice of separating unbonded individuals dates to a time prior to our attaining logic. Perhaps it is a practice no longer needed. Perhaps not. But I do not wish to test the theory with your life."

"For a people renowned for their devotion to scientific study, you lot haven't taken a very good look at your own sexuality," Amanda sighed. "I'll have to get you a copy of Alfred Kinsey's biography. Might do you a bit of good."

Sevok simply raised his eyebrow but didn't comment. It didn't take long to reach Sarek's home. Like Sevok's it was a large communal estate, a hereditary holding of Sarek's clan. The battlements were considerably larger than any Amanda had seen, and it was clear from their size and placement that the dwelling was once a fortress. Sarek's clan had obviously been a powerful and formidable one. They had also taken great care to insure that the structure remained as intimidating a sight on modern Vulcan's desert plain as it had ever been on the ancient one. Perhaps more so for the stark contradiction it presented.

Amanda and Sevok climbed out of the aircar slowly. It wasn't until they reached the communal living areas that they saw a single living being. Sarek was waiting for them, a large sehlat next to him. He petted the creature once and then moved forward to greet his guests.

"Sevok, Amanda, welcome to Shi'Kahr." Sarek's eyes flickered briefly over Amanda, and she felt herself blush under his quick inspection. His face didn't betray his thoughts, but Amanda could have sworn there was a little extra hint of green appearing on the tips of his ears. "I have asked the others to give us our privacy this evening."

Sevok clearly wasn't happy about that, but he took his place at a small side table where Sarek indicated he was to sit and let the other man lead Amanda into the private dinning alcove some distance away. The sehlat made a small whimper when Sarek did not let it accompany them, but obediently lay down to wait when Sarek called it by name in a sharp tone.

A liveried servant brought out several dishes of food, a mix of Human and Vulcan. She eyed Amanda, clearly surprised, and then looked towards Sevok questioningly. However, she was Vulcan and a well-trained member of Sarek's staff, so she quietly backed away from the table after serving the meal. Amanda could have sworn the woman threw her a look of sympathy as she left the room. 'She must think Sevok has brokered a match between me and Sarek,' she thought bemusedly.

Sarek's silence spoke volumes, indicating that he was just as nervous as she was. It wasn't until they'd nearly finished their meal that he spoke of anything more consequential than the temperature or the state of the Federation's plans for prosecuting the latest batch of geneticists caught engineering human DNA.

"I asked Shras what I should do on this human date," Sarek began rather awkwardly. "He laughed and made a crude comment. At times I do not understand why I tolerate his company."

Amanda blushed and fiddled with her napkin. "That sounds like Shras. The fact that humans seemed fascinated by their four person mating system only eggs him on. His sense of humor is getting more and more perverse the longer he spends on Earth. I think this situation has made his year. He's never going to stop teasing either of us."

Sarek nodded his agreement and then drifted back into silence. Amanda bit her lip trying to think of something else to say. "So…ah…what did you tell your family to get them out of here for the evening?" Amanda winced at the callousness of her question.

Sarek didn't seem to mind. "I informed them I had a diplomatic dinner planned and asked that they allow me the use of the eating areas. There are not many living in the house currently, so my request was not so outrageous. It happens frequently when I am home. As one of the more respected clans, we often serve as hosts for diplomatic parties. My father was also an Ambassador. We have a long history of service."

Amanda smiled softly. "As I understand it, not many Vulcans still live in these communal estates."

Sarek eyes darkened and his shoulders dropped ever so slightly. "Yes, it is a dying way of life. There is still respect for that which has passed, but there is little desire to continue the traditions. Surak gave us logic, for which I will always be grateful, but I wonder if he would have done so knowing it would eventually end all that he knew. It is important to remember the past so lessons can be learned from it without having to relive them in our current times. By abandoning our estates, we forget part of that past. We become less of a whole and more singular. I do not believe it is good for Vulcan to become a planet of stark individualists."

Amanda rested her chin on her hand and leaned against the table in thought. "Logic can be cold if there's no personal aspect, I expect. In order to keep society polite, there needs to be some measure of interpersonal connection, of empathy. If not, logic could become brutal, and people could treat each other harshly and call it 'logical'."

Sarek nodded and leaned forward as well. "Yes, I have often meditated on this. Surak laid forth his philosophy and made clear his view that empathy was vital to existence. He believed empathy was our connection to one another. It gives purpose to our lives and is the only means of fighting entropy in the universe. He taught that 'the spear in another's back, is a spear in your own', that every action has reaction."

Amanda smiled. "We call it the 'Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you'."

Sarek nodded in agreement. "I have heard this. It is interesting how similar Earth's philosophy can be to that of Vulcan's." Sarek turned his head and gazed at an ancient tapestry that was hanging on the wall of the eating alcove. "Many young Vulcans choose not to follow all of Surak's teachings. Instead, they pick what they will believe and omit what they find inconvenient. While I do not believe Surak was divine, as many Humans believe of their philosophers, I do believe it is impossible to accept part of his teachings and not all. To accept logic without empathy is to increase entropy."

Amanda nodded. "That's the problem with philosophy. It's bendable; you can manipulate it to your will. No two people interpret something the same way. It's caused horrible wars on Earth."

"It has caused horrible wars everywhere. But what would existence be if we did not seek answers to our questions?" Sarek asked softly, his eyes beginning to twinkle in amusement. "Is this normal conversation for a date? It bears much resemblance to the debates I had at the Academy."

Amanda chuckled. "Depends on the date. I'd say we are doing pretty good for the first one."

Sarek nodded and glanced towards Sevok. "He does not trust me."

Amanda sighed and avoided looking in her friend's direction in case he misinterpreted it as a plea for help. "Based on what I've been told, I'm not sure I blame him."

Sarek folded his napkin and placed it on the table. "Amanda, I assure you I am not a danger to you."

"I know." Amanda pursed her lips and fought for a way to explain. "This is a cultural thing I can't possibly understand, Sarek. I think they are extra protective of me because of it. Sevok said as much. He told me if I had been his real daughter he'd have just arranged this and sent me off to my fate. But I'm human, and they are worried."

Sarek sighed. "Not all Vulcans would worry for your sake, Amanda. The other few that have discovered my…problem…they are not as open minded. They believe you are a destructive element and that you have done this on purpose to weaken Vulcan in the eyes of the other Federation planets. They think this is all a plot by your government and Andoria to undermine my position as one of the lead Federation Ambassadors."

Amanda couldn't help but laugh at that. "If my planet found out about this, they'd just say good riddance and cancel my citizenship."

"They may yet." Sarek said darkly. "Amanda, you know my position on this. You know I will have you and no other. But you do not know the full political implications of your choice. If you stay with me, it is likely that the Terrans will revoke your citizenship, or at least make the attempt. They fear losing Vulcan's support. If T-Pau does not agree with this arrangement, which is likely even if it means my almost certain death, she may ask them to place pressure on you. I may be able to block them using the Federation Council, with Shras' help, but I cannot guarantee our success. It is possible you could lose that which you sought to protect, that which drove you to take the position on my staff in the first place. I had planned to discuss this with you at a later date, but in light of our current conversion perhaps we should address it now."

Sarek didn't say it, but sitting in his ancestral home, staring at his family tapestry, she got the message. If she chose him, if she gave into this, it might mean she'd never see her own family home again. She'd taken the job at the embassy to outflank the allocation system, to make sure her family home was protected. She'd done that. She'd sent enough money home that her cousin could keep the taxes paid for the next few years without a problem. By then the system would have settled, and the family could handle the tax payments without her annual contribution. But was the cost of that safety net for her family home the fact that she could never set foot in that home again? Amanda looked deeply into Sarek's eyes and realized that no matter how much it hurt him to tell her, he did foresee that possibility. He was giving her another chance to back out, another good reason to leave him to his fate.

Amanda took a long drink from her water glass and fought back a sudden wave of tears. How could should choose? If she stayed, she risked Earth turning against her. If she left…if she left this man sitting before her, a man who had just risked his life so that she could make an informed decision, would die.

Amanda was still in a daze when Sevok collected her from the table and they walked out of the hall past the still watchful sehlat. She vaguely heard Sevok and Sarek discussing a second date, both oblivious to the necessity of her agreement on the matter. It wasn't until she was safely alone in her rooms at T-Lar's home that she finally let herself consider everything.

Amanda lay everything she knew out before her and by the light of her mother's odd little lamp she came to her decision. Staring at the swirling mess of color Amanda knew what she had to do.

There really only was one choice.

She was going home.

* * *

Surak's quote came from the novel _Spock's World_ by Diane Duane. It's from memory, not word for word. If you aren't familiar with the novel check it out. There's what I privately call the Vulcan 10 Commandments in it. Very very interesting.


	14. Fear

"What are you doing?" T-Lar asked.

Amanda grunted and tossed another pile of clothing into the large shipping crate she'd managed to drag into the center of her room. "What does it look like?"

T-Lar eyed the crate and Amanda with a condescending air. "I do not believe you are leaving. Therefore you must be engaging in some other illogical behavior that I have yet to determine. Over the course of our friendship I have discovered it is easier to simply ask than to try and use reason to deduce your purpose for any given action."

Amanda blew a piece of hair out of her eyes and glared. "I am going home."

"Negative." T-Lar responded and purposefully took a seat on the stack of pillows Amanda was about to toss into the shipping container. "If you had decided to accept Sarek and were moving to his home you would have discussed the matter with me. If you had rejected him and were returning to Earth, you also would have sought my council, if for nothing more than advice on how to tell Sarek your decision. You have done neither. So unless you and Ambassador Shras have decided to bring your illicit affair into the open there is no logical reason for you to be packing."

"Shras and I aren't having an affair." Amanda muttered and yanked a pillow out from under her friend causing the Vulcan woman to tip over in a decidingly undignified manner. "You know that. And why would I talk to you about anything? You've been less than supportive throughout this entire nightmare."

T-Lar didn't bother getting up, opting instead to remain sitting in the middle of the floor where Amanda had to walk around her in order to continue her insane packing. "Perhaps." T-Lar admitted softly. "But I have my reasons, which you know well of. Even given our current disagreement you would not leave without consulting with me, Amanda. Nor would you do so without contacting T-Sehl. Since you have done neither and I found you packing only by accident, I wish to know what we have done to offend you."

Amanda gripped the side of the crate and slowly lowered herself to the floor and leaned her head against the hard plastic exterior of the container. "You haven't offended me."

"Yet you flee our hospitality." T-Lar raised an eyebrow. "What has transpired, Amanda? You are in a panic the likes of which I have not seen since you prepared to defend your dissertation."

"I can't give it up." Amanda whispered. "I can't give up everything I am to save his life." She turned to look at T-Lar, tears brimming in her eyes. "Don't you understand? I have to give up my _life_ and then keep living. I have to loss everything, all that I have and all that I am, to do this. You argued against it. Why are you stopping me now? Isn't this what you wanted? For me to run home?"

T-Lar moved swiftly across the floor and placed a hand on Amanda's arm. "You are not granting yourself time to make a decision, Amanda. Whatever has caused this is sudden. If you leave now, without understanding your own motivations, you will regret this. You will blame yourself for Sarek's fate. I know you as I know my own sister and it is not in your character to behave so rashly."

Amanda bit her lip and took an unsteady breath. "He said they'd block my citizenship. What if they did more? What if they hurt my family for this? They don't have to do much to make their lives hell. We could loose the house or they could get pushed out of their 'engagements'. I can't risk it, T-Lar. This could affect more than just me."

T-Lar looked confused. "Who is they, Amanda? Why would they do this?"

"T-Pau would make them." Amanda shook off her friend's hand and covered her eyes. Slowly she explained what Sarek had warned her about the night before.

T-Lar shook her head. "Shras would not let this happen."

"He's only an ambassador. What could he do?"

If T-Lar had been human she would have snorted. "He is not 'only an ambassador', he is the _ranking_ Ambassador from one of the Federation's _founding species_. And he knows how to use the press. If T-Pau used her influence to pressure you into abandoning Sarek in order to keep the Vulcan race pure Shras would have it on every news and gossip channel in every language of the Federation, and then some. As soon as Earth's government tried to harass your family, your friends at the university would be on their doorstep in protest. Between Shras, your friends, and the media you would be known to every human and alien on your planet by nightfall. Your government would not dare cause such a ruckus to satisfy one old woman."

"T-Pau has always opposed the Federation. They'd do anything to win her over." Amanda argued.

"Not this." T-Lar sighed. "Sarek was correct to warn you. They may attack you personally, but they dare not go so far as to interfere with your family, Amanda. Earthers are a sympathetic romantic lot. They may condemn you for your choice but they would not condone attacking your family because you 'fell in love'. You have no siblings and your parent's are dead. Your contributions to your family home have always been necessary but minimal. Legally they have no reason to seize the property and with the intense press scrutiny they would be under they would not dare to bend the law."

Amanda looked at her hopefully. "Do you really think so?"

"Yes." T-Lar stood up and offered a hand to pull Amanda to her feet. "You are not thinking rationally. Sarek warned you about what they might do to you. If he thought they would go after your family he would have told you. He is being as forthright as possible, for which I give him credit. Obviously you would not have thought of this possibility on your own. He has risked much by telling you." T-Lar nodded in the direction of the nearly full crate.

"I can't risk my family, T-Lar. I don't have much of one but I'll not put them at risk."

"May I suggest you contact them?" T-Lar pulled the pillow out of the shipping container and put it on the chair by the computer terminal. "Have you discussed the situation with them? Perhaps they will have insight. If you still believe there may be a risk to them it is only logical to include them in your decision."

With that T-Lar left the room.

It took Amanda a good five minutes to work up the courage to do as T-Lar suggested. Amanda finally sat down on the pillow and punched in the code to her cousin's flat …and waited. It was only when her rather rumpled cousin answered in his robe that she remembered the time difference.

"Mandy," her cousin Adam grumbled, "This had better be good. It's 2 in the morning!"

Amanda grimaced. "I just realized that. Time difference – sorry."

Adam leaned closer to the screen and frowned. "Where the hell are you? That doesn't look like your apartment but I'd swear those are your curtains. And is that your mother's lamp behind you?"

Amanda broke down in tears and Adam looked distinctly uncomfortable as he shifted his seat. His hands started to reach out as though he could touch her through the screen but stopped just before the viewer. "Oh, Mandy…it's okay. I didn't mean to yell. What's wrong?"

Amanda sniffled. "I'm on Vulcan. Something went wrong with the mission I was on with Shras…"

"Hey, I remember hearing something about that but Dad said he'd heard you were fine and heading home. There wasn't any details on the news so it must have been classified. Why are you still on Vulcan?"

Amanda dropped her eyes. "It's a bit complicated. And…and very private."

Adam nodded. "Hold on. I'll switch us over to an encrypted channel. I still have those algorithms your friend cooked up when you were at the academy. Assuming you do, tune yours to file 37." Adam hit a switch and Amanda's terminal went blank for a second till she hit the right sequence of keys to bring up T-Lar's 42nd encryption program- they always added 5 to the stated number _just in case, _not that anyone had ever broken one of T-Lar's codes. When Adam reappeared the line was secure. "Okay Mandy, tell your older and wiser lawyer cousin exactly who he needs to sue."

That finally got a laugh out of her and Amanda smiled at him in thanks before she explained in general terms what the problem was.

"You have got to be kidding me." Adam sighed. "Look, Mandy, all you would have had to do is tell me you were having problems with your share of the taxes and I'd have covered it. I know what that place means to you. Hell, I know what it means to my kids. They'd kill me if I let the government take it. It's all you've got left of your parent's and I happen to live here if you remember. I'm not budging and I'd have been happy to take over your payments. You didn't have to go and prostitute yourself to an alien for money."

"I did not prostitute myself!" Amanda glared. "I got tired of working for peanuts and I wanted a challenge. T-Lar got me the job working as a translator for Sarek. That was all. Then Shras offered me a better gig and I took it. This entire marry-me-or-I-die thing is totally separate."

Adam rolled his eyes. "I think this constitutes sexual harassment in the workplace. I can get you _millions_ of credits, Mandy."

"I am not suing Sarek!" Amanda slammed her head down on the desk. "Why did I bother calling you?" Amanda's head jerked up quickly. "My God! Adam, you can't tell ANYONE about this. You hear me? No outsiders are supposed to know about this biological thingy."

"Yeah, that would be a bad thing to have become common knowledge. Those paranoid types in the military would love this." Adam rested his head on his hand in thought. "So, you called me not because you wanted legal advise, which you could use from the sound of it, but because you thought I'd be in danger from this T-Pau?"

"Yes." Amanda nodded quickly. "She might try and use her influence with the Federation to get Earth's government to put pressure on me. Sarek thinks they might try and revoke my citizenship or charge me with conspiring with an alien government or something. I haven't done anything they could charge me with, though, and I can't imagine how they could yank my citizenship. It's unheard of. But they could try and get to me through you guys. It's no secret how much the family means to me, how much that house does too, and with the new allocation system it's been a nightmare to hold onto it. If they raised the taxes or changed the law we could loose it."

Adam raised his head and gave a negative nod. "Doubt it. The allocations have gotten a lot of bad press recently. They wouldn't want to try something like that and have me challenge them in court. Your friend T-Lar is right, the press would eat it up. But your citizenship is another issue. Technically they could yank your Federation papers."

"For what!" Amanda snorted indigently. "Since when is marrying outside your species illegal in the Federation?"

"It's not." Adam sighed. "Amanda, you _worked_ for aliens without a government permit. Sure, it wasn't high level – at least not until Shras decided to take you on that diplomatic mission- but you still took a job outside the allocation system." He ran a hand through his hair sticking it even more up on end. "They haven't enforced the law, it's pretty much unenforceable, but when Earth signed onto the United Federation of Planet's founding treaty they stipulated that they retained control over all allocations to Earth citizens – supposedly for tax purposes."

"I paid income tax." Amanda argued. "I filled all the right paperwork and Shras got me a work permit."

Adam huffed. "You aren't listening. Shras got you one, but _after_ you'd already quit the Vulcan Embassy. Sarek never applied for one for you. Technically you worked illegally, some would say secretly, for the Vulcans. I know, they've always over looked it, but you were paid off the books – off the allocations system. Like I said, the system has been getting bad press. There's too many people doing just what you did and it's making it harder for the system to work properly. There's been talk about them starting to enforce the restrictions. By the letter of the law you committed a felony by working outside the allocation system without prior authorization. And because it was for a foreign government, in secret, on a treaty negation…well, you can see how they could spin it."

"And that's enough to yank my citizenship?" Amanda cried. "Since when did Hitler become president?"

Adam chuckled. "Depends on who you ask. Look, the system will work it just needs some time to shake itself out. In the mean time we all have to muddle through. It's really not Draconian, Amanda, it's meant to even things out. But you need to listen me. It's not your Earth citizenship we're talking about. They can't revoke that. It's your Federation papers I'm talking about."

Adam shifted in his seat and pulled his robe a little tighter. "Federation citizenship is considered a privilege, not a right. If a native is convicted of a felony by their member planet, said member planet can revoke their Federation citizenship and travel papers. Earth forced the inclusion of that clause into the founding treaty so they could stem the tide of criminals going off planet to escape prosecution. You see, they could try someone in absentia. If convicted, they yank their Federation papers. So as soon as that person enters Federation space and hits a check point or a service station or a medical facility – bam! They trip the system and get hauled back to Earth without the risk of them fighting extradition. It's meant to stop fugitives both from escaping and from soiling Earth's good name by reeking havoc throughout the galaxy. Or at least that's how they spin it. I think they always intended to use it for political dissidents but I can't prove it. You know as well as I do that there's two factions in the government – one wants equality for all, the other just wants power. If they yanked your Federation papers and passport you'd be stuck on Vulcan and its colonies. Even as the wife to an ambassador you'd have a hard time traveling anywhere inside Federation space."

Amanda's eyes widened. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. That can't possibly work. People would never go along with this law once they found out about how unfair it is. It can't last."

"Well neither could the 'war on drugs' but they kept it on life support for over a century." Adam quipped. "Mandy, I'm being honest with you. If this Sarek thought to warn you about this it's probably because they've already started nosing about. Even if you turn him down now and T-Pau doesn't do a thing it might be too late. They could decide to make an example of you."

Amanda groaned. "So I'm screwed one way or the other?"

Adam couldn't help snickering. "Literally."

Amanda glared at him and hit the terminal off button.


	15. Logic

Sometimes a girl just needs to yell. The world gets to be too much; the galaxy starts to weigh on your shoulders, and your frustrations breed like feral cats and claw at your eyes. You get that knot between your shoulder blades that even a good hour of yoga can't touch, and everything begins to feel like a nightmare. The cause doesn't matter, but the solution is one long drawn-out, loud as hell, primal, _scream_.

Unfortunately, Amanda was stuck on Vulcan and screaming out her frustration at the top of her lungs wasn't likely to end in stress relief, but rather a psych evaluation. That, and a bunch of very pissed off Vulcans pretending not to be mad as hell that she'd interrupted their beauty sleep.

Adam's revelations hadn't calmed her fears in the slightest, nor had it helped her confusion. She had a headache and a neck ache, and the calendar indicated it wasn't too long until other things were going to ache…She needed chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. And some screaming. Maybe one of the those hot stone massages…maybe a little vodka. Hmmm. Mix the vodka with the chocolate while getting a massage? Now, _that _had definite possibilities. Only Vulcan wasn't yet equipped with a human style spa nor had they bothered to import anything remotely like chocolate or vodka.

Amanda groaned and threw her arm over her eyes to try and block out the sunlight that was streaming in and aggravating her head. So what if her family was safe? If the house was safe? Those issues were important, and Amanda was relieved, but that still left her own personal safety in question. She'd been desperate last year when she'd jumped at the Vulcan's offer to translate for the negotiations. It had never occurred to her that Earth's government would take exception to the appointment. After all, she wasn't working for smugglers like she'd thought about. She was employed by a legitimate diplomatic service, one attached to the Federation of Planets, of which Earth was a founding member. As a matter of fact, she'd been working on Federation negotiations that Earth had not only backed but _initiated_.

And she'd filed all her income taxes like a good little girl.

Amanda rolled out of bed and started chewing her thumb nail as she paced the living area of her quarters. She could still feel the dregs or her earlier panic clinging to her, and it was only through a supreme application of personal will power that she hadn't finished her frantic packing and high-tailed it back to Earth as quickly as possible. She did not want to be stuck on Vulcan forever. It was one thing to contemplate a marriage to the _Vulcan Ambassador_. Sarek was mobile. He traveled. He was _assigned to Earth_. In all likelihood a marriage to him would mean she'd get to live her life's dream of traveling the stars, spend time with T-Lar on Vulcan, and maintain a home on Earth. Sure, she'd be spending more time on Vulcan and less on Earth than she'd ever imagined, but she'd get to go home for Christmas – at least most of the time.

If the Earth's government prosecuted her and her ripped away her Federation citizenship, and thus travel papers, she'd be stuck. No visits home. No more lectures at the university and lunch with Kathy. No more vacations with Adam and his family at the farm. No more lazy afternoons at the lake.

Amanda's nail was down to the quick, and she had to force herself to stop chewing on it or she's start bleeding on the carpet.

Sarek hadn't wanted to force her hand, but if Earth did as Adam had suggested, she'd not have a choice. As a wife to an Ambassador she'd have some level of diplomatic protection. They wouldn't be able to arrest and extradite her from Vulcan. She might even be able to swing diplomatic immunity through most sectors of Federation space – sectors that had no direct Earth affiliation at least. But she'd never be able to set foot on an Earth colony or starship. She'd probably spend the rest of her life going between the harsh heat of Vulcan and the freezing temperatures of Andoria. She'd end up speaking Vulcan so much she'd start thinking in it. She'd forget to celebrate her birthday or mark New Year's Day. She'd never have a Christmas tree or get to take her children trick or treating.

That thought hurt. If she married Sarek, she'd likely never _have _children. Well, she'd be a stepmom, or whatever the Vulcan equivalent was, to Sarek's son. She'd not even met the boy. What if he hated her? What if he liked her? What if he . . . Oh, God. The boy was almost seven. Sarek would be picking his future wife right about now. And there were all those rituals and ceremonies that were going to happen. How the hell do you _raise_ a Vulcan anyway? Kids laugh and play and - she wouldn't have to yell at him for that, would she?

Oh dear, God. Amanda sat down heavily on the bed. She was thinking like it was all a foregone conclusion. It wasn't though - none of this would matter if she just got up, packed her bag, and left. She could live the rest of her life quietly on Earth, make a deal with the government, and pretend this never happened. She hadn't made a choice yet; none of this was set in stone.

Amanda closed her eyes tightly. Maybe it was. Maybe she'd made her choice. It was too fast, too rash, but…

Amanda grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest. Did she love him? Did she need to?

Amanda wasn't the fairy tale type. Sometime around 4th grade, she'd given up on the idea of a knight in shining armor and happily-ever-after's. But that didn't mean she'd given up hope of love. Practicality was great and rational thought wonderful, but neither could make a woman happy or content for long. Marriages of convenience only stay convenient if there's some affection. The marriage was sure to run much more smoothly if that was the case, or at least that's what Amanda had observed.

Her parents had married out of friendship, and they'd been happy. They'd worked as colleagues for years, arguing back and forth on various topics, till one day they'd look at each other, shrugged, and made the choice to get married and have a family. It was convenient, logical, and they enjoyed each other's company enough that the thought of spending the rest of their lives together had been a pleasant one. At least that's how her father had always told the story. Her mother, on the other hand, had always claimed they'd been in love for years, and that had caused all their legendary academic squabbles. Her husband was just too stubborn to admit there was more to it than his carefully crafted "let's get married to save on insurance bills" argument. Nevertheless, there had by no means been the trumpets and fanfare or wild romance that so many people looked for. Her parents had simply made a choice to stick with one another.

Kathy was always falling in love. And falling out of it. She'd be madly passionate about someone, but then a week later she'd refuse to speak his name. She was a self-proclaimed serial relationship girl.

Amanda only knew one person her age who had managed to make a successful go of a marriage and that was her cousin Adam. He'd married between college and law school to his childhood sweetheart. They'd dated all through high school and gotten engaged their second year of university. They had a gaggle of children now, and Adam was the wonder dad of the century. Although he worked long hours, he still checked the kids' math problems every night. His wife Sara worked full-time, and her parents watched the kids during the day. It was idyllic and oh so rare. Amanda had always secretly envied him.

Amanda had no experience with relationships. She'd been too free spirited in high school, and none of the boys wanted anything to do with her. They had all felt intimidated by her. She was wild, untamed, daunting. University had been a great adventure. Suddenly those traits that had made her a social pariah in school were alluring. Young men were more than happy to attempt to draw her attention, happy to hang on for the ride, so to speak. And she'd amused herself with them, but never for long. She was a busy girl, after all. She had classes and internships and research. She was going places and couldn't risk tying herself down. If it started to smell like a real relationship, Amanda had simply run. Friends with benefits had been her goal, and she'd stuck to it through two master's and a PhD.

It had finally grown old, and Amanda had stopped even accepting dinner invitations. She'd drawn into herself since her career had been side tracked. Kathy said she was clinically depressed, but Amanda just didn't have the energy. Running after the kiddies all day drained her. Interviewing for job after job at the university and always getting rejected had ruined her self-esteem. Men just weren't worth the effort. They didn't understand her need to strive for things, her desire to learn and to challenge herself. They didn't support her desire for academic acknowledgement or why it was necessary for her to spend nearly all her free time researching and writing articles on alien phonetics and cultural brokering.

Yes, Amanda had given up on relationships, and now that she was presented with one - a real one - she wasn't quite sure what to do with it. She's spent years watching her friends falter and stumble through such relationships, and even if she had little experience with one of her own, she had a good idea of the steps required in the normal human relationship. But this wasn't the typical human relationship, and Sarek wasn't likely to follow the rules Kathy had taught her. Amanda wasn't too sure that Kathy's rules were all that correct anyway. They'd never made much sense and seemed to create more drama than anything.

Hell, Amanda didn't_ want_ to follow the rules. Following the rules meant you ended up with two unhappy people and the consumption of vast numbers of chocolate martinis.

There were times when Amanda felt more like an alien anthropologist instead of a human woman. She'd observed human behavior and take notes on human behavior, but it just never felt…right. She never felt right. She couldn't imagine herself behaving like her friends, and they didn't understand her. She was odd. She was weird. She was…Amanda.

She blamed it on her parents. Children of academics were never normal. How could you be normal when your average dinner conversation with your parents revolved around the significance of dance ritual to the seasonal harvest celebrations of 14th century Irish peasants and the correlation between their fertility rites? All brought on by the new dance they caught your best friend trying to teach so you won't make an ass of yourself at prom. Amanda shuddered at the memory.

So, now she was faced with a life altering, no going back, decision. Experience and observation told her that most human women would be more interested in how they felt than what they thought about all this. Of course, most human women wouldn't have been in the situation to begin with.

Amanda didn't know how she felt exactly. She was confused, flattered, scared. But most of all she felt pressured. In fact, she had never felt this much pressure before in her life. She knew two dozen languages, and she still didn't have the words to describe it.

Adam was right. Amanda was screwed.

She respected Sarek. She even liked him. True, she'd hated him when she'd first taken the job, but after the first away mission she'd been on with him, the one where he and Sevok had failed to broker a peace treaty, she'd started to rethink her estimation of the Vulcan. He'd impressed her with his determination, and with his failure he'd inadvertently opened a crack in his façade just enough to allow her to see the real Vulcan underneath. It had intrigued her, and she'd started to think they just might become friends. Then she'd overheard his conversation with Shras, been transferred to the Andorian embassy, and that had been the end. Until now. Now the sweet irony of the situation was that Amanda had started to fall for the damn pointy-eared menace the moment the Vulcan had finally failed at something.

Shras was probably the only one alive that would find the situation amusing. Amanda sure as hell thought it was anything but.

The long and short of it boiled down to this: her best option to retain her Terran citizenship was to have the power of Vulcan behind her. Her best chance to travel was to be attached to the Vulcan diplomatic service. Her best chance of avoiding prosecution on Earth was to gain diplomatic immunity. Her best chance, her only chance, to save Sarek's life - to save the life of this man whom she was starting to care very much about - was to accept his offer.

Amanda had not gotten where she was by being short sighted or unduly altruistic. What she felt for Sarek, was, in all likelihood, as fleeting as Kathy's incessant infatuations. The problems with Earth might yet be solved by Adam and his legal wiles. Her dream of travel? She could live without it. She wasn't about to mortgage her future on a whim. She had to know if they were really compatible. Could she stand his company for the rest of her life? That was the real question. It really didn't matter how she felt right _now_. Now is transitory. How would she feel in 20 years? Or thirty? Or _60_? Vulcans marry for life. He would outlive her, but she'd be consigning herself to live everyday in his company for the rest of her existence.

She'd have to one day face the same choice T- Sehl now did. Sarek would outlive her and Amanda would go to her death knowing her husband would take another to replace her. And she would have to encourage it, perhaps even have a hand in the choice. Could she do that? Could she live her life for him and then with her last breath hand him to another? Amanda curled into a ball on her bed and bit her lip until the physical pain blotted out the anguish that thought caused. For a long time the only thing that moved in the room was the mottled light of her mother's lamp.

Amanda had never been good at sharing. And maybe that was her answer.


	16. Duty

It had been one week since Amanda's dinner with Sarek. She'd done a lot of thinking in that one week.

Sevok had taken his time making arrangements for her and Sarek's second date, most likely trying to give Amanda the time she needed to straighten herself out. Her little break down had been the topic of most every conversation her three Vulcan friends had together and all of them had been walking on eggshells around her since. Really, was packing your bags and almost running away worthy of such concern? The key word was almost…she'd not done it.

Evidently having second thoughts and a touch of cold feet was as sign of instability to Vulcans and Amanda had the distinct impression they were wondering if she needed medicated.

Amanda snorted to herself and rummaged one last time through the pile of clothing she'd tried on and then discarded. Really, how could one person own so many clothes and still have nothing to wear?

Amanda could have used T-Lar's opinion, but she was getting dressed for her second date alone. T-Lar had been called in 32 hours ago by the Vulcan Security Force to try and break the code on a message they'd intercepted and would be gone for some time. Sevok thought it was the mysterious Orion Syndicate but it was only speculation and would remain that way unless T-Lar could manage to decipher the messages. T-Sehl had taken a turn for the worse just as T-Lar was leaving and Sevok had refused to let her out of her bed. His wife's condition was straining the elderly Vulcan to the limits of his endurance and it broke Amanda's heart to see her friend in such silent pain.

It had to be bad, because he was five minutes late collecting her.

Amanda smoothed down the cotton skirt she was wearing and checked the mirror again. She looked scared. Her eyes were larger than normal as they stared back at her and she was frighteningly pale. It didn't seem right that while she was getting ready for a date T-Sehl was quite possibly dying just two doors down from her. Even worse, Sevok was still planning on accompanying her to Sarek's despite the frail condition of his bondmate. He would not let Amanda go alone and it would be unforgivably rude, he'd informed her this morning, if they tried to postpone.

Amanda still thought that wasn't very fair. After all, dating was a human concept. As such, it was really up to her if they were being rude or not. This logic didn't seem to sit well with the ambassador's aide and he'd order her to get ready regardless. Now he was late and Amanda didn't like the implications of it. Vulcans were _never_ late.

Amanda fussed with the waist of the skirt till the floaty white fabric finally settled in the desired lines and she tugged her pink blouse back into alignment then checked her sandals one last time. She looked a little brighter than was normal on Vulcan but it was hot out and she didn't want to wear anything quite as voluminous as the previous dress had been. The simple skirt and blouse would be cool and it wasn't likely to raise too many eyebrows. Amanda checked the time. Make that 10 min late. She'd never even _heard_ of a Vulcan being ten minutes late to _anything_.

Amanda picked up her purse and steeled herself before leaving her quarters and knocking on Sevok and T-Sehl's door. Something was wrong, she could feel it.

Sevok opened the door slowly and Amanda had to bite back a gasp. He looked horrible. In the background Amanda could hear T-Sehl taking measured, painful breaths. "Oh god, Sevok. We aren't going." Amanda brushed past him and disregarding Vulcan privacy or decorum went straight to the bed chamber and T-Sehl's side. She stopped mere feet from the bed and stared in shock. T-Sehl was frighteningly pale. Her chest was literally shuddering as she tried to breath and her eyes were tightly closed in concentration. It seemed as if she was forcing each breath out by shear will alone.

"I called a healer not long after we spoke this morning." Sevok whispered behind her. "He has come and gone. There is little we can do now." He lowered himself slowly to sit on the side of the bed and brushed a strand of his wife's unbound hair off her face. "We thought she had more time. She awoke last evening and could not stand. This morning I found I could not wake her. It is only through our bond that I can find her presence now. She is using all her concentration to keep her vital systems operating until the healers return with more equipment." 

Amanda wanted so badly to comfort him but she knew better than to try. Sevok wouldn't appreciate her leaching her emotions through touch at a time like this so she remained where she stood a few feet from the bed and listened as her friend gave her the cold facts one at a time.

"Apparently the cancer has progressed into the lining in her spinal column and is affecting her autonomic nervous system." He shivered slightly. "It is taking all her concentration to keep her breathing and her heart regulated. She is in a healing trance, but it is only barely keeping her alive and cannot battle the disease. I have called for our children. I do not expect them to arrive before it is too late, but they should know their mother is dying."

"Should we move her to the hospital?" Amanda asked softly.

Sevok sighed. "There is no use, Amanda. There is nothing the healers can do but place her on life support. They can do so here and are procuring the equipment. T-Sehl is managing without it through the trance and can hold out until they arrive. It is her wish to die in our home. She has already begun to prepare herself to give another her katra. The healers could give her medication that would delay the spread of the cancer further, but to do so would interfere with her disciplines to an even greater extent and might hamper her ability to pass on all that she is. I will not undo her work and make her transition harder just to have her with me for a few more days. I will not cause her pain to lessen mine." Sevok hesitated a moment before he picked up his wife's hand and clutched it tightly. "Forgive me, Amanda-am. I will not be able to accompany you today. Should she pass quickly we may be able to reschedule for later this week."

"Don't, Sevok." Amanda sniffled. "Don't even go there. T-Sehl is so much more important than my stupid date." Amanda gave herself a good shake. "I'm going to go call and make my apologies to Sarek and then I'm going to get T-Lar from the VSF. Is there anyone else you'd like here? Anything I can do?"

Sevok rubbed the back of his wife's hand. "I..." he looked up and Amanda could feel him struggle for control. "I already contacted Sarek and apprised him of the situation. I required his assistance in making certain …arrangements. I regret that I…forgot to call you. I meant to do so. I lost track of the time." He swallowed thickly. "I would be grateful if you could check my messages and see if I should expect any of our children. They should have answered by now. Sarek used the classified diplomatic channels to get the message through…" Sevok closed his eyes briefly as his wife's breathing hitched painfully and stalled before slowly starting again. "It would normally fall to T-Lar as my brother's wife to see that the house is prepared. Until she arrives would it be possible for you to keep visitors at bay? It is tradition for those of us about to pass to give last council to any who seek it. T-Sehl is in no condition to be seen. Even after the healers' return and her trance is ended it is unlikely she will be able to maintain the disciplines. The cancer is so far progressed it is… She is not herself, Amanda. The healers may be able to assist her with restoring some of her disciplines but it will take time."

Amanda nodded. "I'll play gatekeeper and see what I can do about keeping everyone away from here as long as I can." Amanda looked around the room and noticed how small the bedchamber was. "Let me see if I can find a private location we can move her to as well. There's not room in here to bring in much equipment and still allow the healers space to move."

"Thank you, Amanda." Sevok said softly. "You do me a great service."

Amanda smiled softly and composed herself before risking a gentle hand on his shoulder, trying to think calming thoughts at the Vulcan. "I'll be right outside if you need me. Don't worry about the rest of the house. I'll hold down the fort."

Sevok looked up confused. "It is not a fortress."

Amanda shook her head. "It's an expression. It means I'll handle things until T-Lar gets here." Amanda withdrew her hand and stepped back. "Let me know if you need anything else. I'll make sure there's a room set up for the healers and direct them to the proper place when they arrive." Sevok nodded at her and turned his attention back to his wife. Amanda slipped out of their quarters and made it back to her own in record time.

It didn't take long to get a hold of T-Lar. Sarek had already contacted the VSF and Amanda was able to confirm with T-Lar that she was trying to find another code breaker to take over for her. It was vital that they get the messages decoded but family was fundamental on Vulcan and the VSF wasn't about to order her to stay any longer than absolutely necessary. There was already someone on route from the northern content and as soon as T-Lar passed her notes on she'd make her way home. T-Sehl's brother-in-law, T-Lar's husband, was also on his way and was expected shortly. Until then it was up to Amanda to keep any visitors from getting in and to keep the other members of T-Sehl's family from becoming an annoyance. With their matriarch dying the hierarchy of the household was in shambles. Vulcan society was so structured that without T-Sehl or T-Lar directing it, nothing was likely to be done.

T-Lar hesitantly asked that Amanda take care of a few things for her in the mean time. It was obvious how much it pained T-Lar to have to ask her human friend such a favor, but Amanda assured her she didn't mind. The tasks were simple and as long as the family didn't put up a fuss it wouldn't be a problem. T-Lar didn't think anyone would, since Amanda was acting under T-Lar's direction. It was not uncommon for a lower house daughter to assist the heir during the matriarch's last days. T-Lar would be expected to spend much of her time with T-Sehl and would be unable to see to the day-to-day tasks required to run the household. Amanda had lived with them long enough she knew the schedules and work divisions adequately. T-Lar was confident that Amanda's organizational skills would be sufficient for the task. Besides, there was no one else to ask; no one else that had the necessary leadership skills.

To an outsider it wouldn't make a lot of sense, but over the years Amanda had come to learn that while they honored individuality and personal freedom, Vulcans were most comfortable acting as a group under the direction of a carefully selected few. As a whole they did not take well to command but flourished under direction. Leaders such as Sarek were rare in Vulcan society, and T-Sehl would not easily be replaced. T-Lar had been training for years to take over for her elderly sister-in-law, but Amanda knew it would be a difficult transition for her friend. Now was not the time to expect the introverted linguist to make the transition from follower to leader, not with T-Sehl holding on to life by a tread.

Steeling herself, Amanda moved into the public areas of the house and prepared to do exactly as she said she would and hold the fort down, physically if necessary, and give her friend the time she needed to say her goodbyes before the weight of running an ancient Vulcan household fell on her shoulders. It would not due for the healers to arrive and find the house in disarray and Amanda would not have T-Sehl come out of her trance to be faced with giving mundane orders from her death bed.

Amanda entered the large congregating area at the front of the house and found it in as close to a panic as Amanda could ever imagine a Vulcan household to be. T-Sehl had been the matriarch for so long few remembered a time when she wasn't in charge. The younger women didn't seem to know what to do with themselves and the men were all silent in their united fear that they too would one day face this. Amanda didn't waste time. Once she'd confirmed that T-Lar and her husband were on the way, she hacked into Sevok's messages and found that only one daughter was close enough to Vulcan to even try and make it back before her mother passed. Amanda sent a younger house daughter to tell Sevok and then started to organize the chaos. It would do no one any good if the house fell apart at a time like this.

The healer Sevok had called arrived minutes later with the portable equipment and several assistants. Amanda made sure he had access to the house power system so he could begin setting up and assigned a serious looking younger cousin of T-Lar's to play gofer for the group. The girl nodded solemnly as Amanda gave her the responsibly and hurried to gather the supplies on the healer's list.

Since there wasn't room in the couple's quarters for all the equipment and visitors that were sure to come to pay their respects, despite Sevok's wishes, Amanda lead the healers to a larger area at the back of the house that would provide T-Sehl and Sevok with privacy but still afford the healer enough space to work. Amanda thanked the young boy that had suggested it and appointed him to guard the door and keep anyone outside of T-Sehl's immediate family and healers from entering. The child bowed without question to her authority and set himself nearly at attention next to the door. Amanda couldn't help but smile at how seriously the children were taking their tasks and was glad that they were willing to listen to her.

The girl Amanda had assigned to the healer came rushing around a corner and nearly ran into Amanda as she turned to go back to the common area. The child paused in her work to stare at Amanda over the pile of sheets she was delivering. Her dark eyes were brighter with emotion than the Vulcan norm, likely due to her young age, and Amanda could see a faint family resemblance to Sevok in her face. She was obviously a close relation to be living in the same communal home, but Amanda could tell from her expression that she was especially close to the couple inside.

The girl hesitated for a moment before walking up to Amanda. "Thank you, Amanda Grayson. I wished to serve my great-aunt but I did not know how." The girl shifted her burden and nodded as if coming to a decision. "It is better to have a purpose in a time like this." The girl spoke firmly than turned before Amanda could respond and hurried into T-Sehl's sick room with her load.

Amanda glanced at the boy and he nodded at her solemnly. "It is good to have a task, Lady."

By the time T-Lar made it home the healers were already moving her sister-in-law from her private quarters to the larger sick room. T-Lar thanked Amanda in a hurried tone before she rushed over to help transfer the elderly woman to the newly arranged sick bed.

It didn't take long to get T-Sehl hooked into the machines and once the strain of keeping her heart and lungs working was no longer taking all her concentration the elderly Vulcan was able to communicate to her husband. Her emotional control was gone and she had little movement, but she could speak and her mental faculties seemed unaffected. As her close family gathered around her, she caught Amanda's eye and nodded to her in thanks. Amanda smiled in return and backed out of the room to give everyone at least a little privacy. Sevok wouldn't want an outsider, even one he'd chosen to take into the house, to see his wife without her disciplines intact.

Amanda left the room and went back to the main living areas and started trying to make sense of the extended family. Taking the two children's words to heart, Amanda took in the congregated Vulcans and realized they too were looking for a way to be busy. Most had left their employment to come home, in hopes of seeing their matriarch one last time, and now found themselves with nothing to occupy their time. They were all hovering about, ready at a moment's notice should their matriarch demand their presence. The visible Vulcan calm they all portrayed was masking their tension and the carefully controlled emotion was building to a point it was causing Amanda's hair to stand on end like static electricity. The younger children of the house were fearfully clutching at their parent's robes, sensing the stress even more keenly than Amanda due to their telepathic abilities, and no one seemed to know what to do. Calls were coming in from across Vulcan as word spread that T-Sehl was on her death bed. Family and friends wanted to know what had caused the rapid decline and if it was too late to see her one last time. The extreme privacy mores on Vulcan meant that it was impossible for them to ask directly but they all wanted to know what was happening and the family was at a loss as to what to tell everyone. T-Sehl wasn't dead yet, but it would be improper to allow all but her closest associates to see her without her emotional control.

By acting so quickly to get the room ready for the healers it seemed Amanda had set herself up to command the house during the crisis. In the absence of their long time leader, they instinctually looked to Amanda for guidance. Their natural impulse was to follow in times of stress and with T-Lar locked away with T-Sehl they needed someone to guide them until T-Lar was free to take up the rains.

The main problem seemed to be too many people in one place worrying too much about something they could not control. Amanda's mouth set itself into a firm line. She had to find something to keep everyone busy, and out of T-Sehl's hair, or the built up tension was going to cause the house to implode.

There were several older women in the group and Amanda rounded them up and set them to composing responses to all the enquiries that had been poring in. They had been through similar deaths before and could spin the truth to get the message across that the matriarch was unavailable without violating T-Sehl's right to privacy. It was a very delicate situation. Normally a Vulcan in T-Sehl's position would be seeing visitors right till the end, but with her controls not in place due to the interference of the life support machines as well as the progression of the cancer into her nervous system, T-Sehl could not hold herself together well enough to do so. Visitors needed to be politely turned away, all except the very small number that were actually close to dying woman. It was tricky and Amanda didn't trust herself not to get the wording wrong, especially since these things were always conducted in High Vulcan. The three older Vulcans accepted the assigned task easily, glad to do something of service, and that left Amanda with nearly 30 other adult members of the house looking at her for direction, their carefully controlled faces doing little to hide their concern or worry.

The healers would be staying until T-Sehl passed so they would need quarters. She sent one group of younger men off to clean and prep the guest rooms.

T-Sehl's daughter, T-Tesla, would be arriving shortly so she sent another group off to collect her from the space transportation center.

Another group was ordered to get food ready since everyone would be staying in for the next few days. They weren't a rich family so they didn't have the servants like Sarek's clan, otherwise Amanda didn't know what she'd do to keep them all occupied.

The women of the house fell in behind her as Amanda started in organizing the children and within an hour she'd managed to get everyone back into gear just in time for the more extended family to start arriving. Amanda felt like the queen of England was dying and she was playing the butler as she parsed out rooms and scrambled to find accommodations for the mass of sudden visitors. T-Sehl hadn't expected to become ill so quickly and hadn't made any preparations. The house was too small for all it's occupants and the extended family to cram into the same common area all at once but the communal and hierarchical culture meant they were all quite close to T-Sehl and did not want to leave. Amanda had to juggle arrangements for the current occupants as well as the deluge of extended family that had started to arrive since word had spread. Simply finding places for everyone to sit and eat was proving difficult. Evidently her friend's family was quite a bite larger than Amanda had realized…

By the time T-Tesla arrived, the house was in something close to order, rooms cleaned, food prepared, children tended, and a hundred other minor tasks already accounted for. She spared a moment to nod in thanks towards the odd human woman that was directing traffic in the entry way before she sped off to her mother's side. Amanda knew that traditionally it would have been T-Tesla's role to assist T-Lar in maintaining order, but the young Vulcan woman was barely 30, very young for a Vulcan, and the look in her eyes made it clear she wasn't ready for such responsibility. Amanda had survived her own parent's illnesses and deaths already. Unfortunately, she wasn't new to the drill. If it gave T-Sehl and T-Tesla more time together Amanda would gladly handle the com units and keep the rest of the family fed.

T-Lar came out after T-Tesla arrived and took over some of the duties Amanda had been shouldering. There were some customs Amanda didn't know about that had to be observed and T-Lar set about arranging the proper whatever's. Amanda kept up the more practical angle, keeping the children out from underfoot, answering the door, managing the kitchens, and finding accommodations for anyone from out of town… Her friend thanked her silently every time they crossed paths and Amanda made it a point to smile at her whenever she could no matter how stressful the situation was. T-Lar needed her to be a rock and Amanda wasn't about to let her down in a time of crisis.

It was odd, directing an alien household, but there didn't seem to be as huge of a cultural divide as Amanda expected. The major difference between the Vulcans she was ordering about and the way her human family would have been behaving appeared to be the fact that no one over the age of seven was crying. The adults and adolescents were invoking the trademark Vulcan stoicism and were remarkably accommodating to one another rather than making the process more difficult by being demanding or bringing up any petty familiar disputes. Amanda spared a moment to wish her family was as thoughtful during her parents' deaths. The infamous shouting match with her great aunt Mary Lou stood in sharp contrast to the quiet nods of T-Sehl's relatives as they obediently doubled up in rooms and chopped the vegetables for dinner.

Three days passed quickly, Amanda easily falling into a routine.

T-Lar had taken over the majority of the high level household functions but had left Amanda in charge of delegating the smaller tasks to the other house members. Amanda had started carrying a clipboard around with an old fashioned paper list and doled out assignments to anybody standing still long enough to be of use. It seemed all of Vulcan was hell bent on getting an audience with T-Sehl despite her condition and Amanda wondered exactly how prominently placed her friend's family was. They weren't rich like Sarek's, she knew that, but they were obviously more than comfortable. It seemed like Sevok's close alliance with Sarek's clan meant that the death of his wife required attendance by nearly the whole of Vulcan's more influential leaders. There were requests by the matriarchs of the other clans to come and pay their respects as well as the VSF and VSA's ruling councils. The Vulcan High Council had already come and gone. The important dignitaries were all arriving on half hour intervals and Sevok was greeting each one outside his wife's room and politely turning away all but the most important. The healers were propping up her control enough that she appeared to be maintaining the disciplines but the illusion was paper thin. The more visitors she had to face the more strained the hold became.

Amanda didn't notice Sarek until he was already well into the common eating area. Amanda hadn't had the time to spare Sarek a thought since Sevok had canceled their date. T-Sehl was hanging by a thread and her house was barely keeping itself together. One hundred and thirty-seven Vulcans were crammed into the building and they all wanted direction from the dying woman. Without her they weren't sure how to manage the simple task of laundry let alone the more complex issues of running an ancestral home. Amanda didn't know a whit about the customs involved, but T-Lar wasn't in any shape to do the work alone and T-Tesla was quietly going to pieces behind her stoney mask. It might have been her obligation as the heir apparent to the matriarchy, but T-Lar wasn't cut out to organize people. Amanda found herself the de-facto leader of the rag tag band of grieving Vulcans and she was hard pressed to keep them eating, sleeping, and managing their daily affairs.

Sarek didn't say a word, just watched her as she bustled about getting the afternoon meal ready. T-Pau had arrived with Sarek and the other leaders of his clan to pay their respects. Amanda had known they were due to arrive but hadn't realized Sarek would be among them. It was foolish on her part. She knew he was a leader in his clan, directly under T-Pau herself, but it hadn't occurred to her that he'd actually take the time from his schedule to visit his aide's dying wife. It was true that Sevok and Sarek had known each other since Sarek's childhood, and that Sevok had served Sarek's father before him, but it wasn't until Amanda caught the look in the ambassador's eyes that she realized how close the two families must be.

Amanda set a bowl of some noodle like dish down in front of a group of the younger children and quietly told them not to make a mess this time. The youngest one was barely out of diapers and made a face at her as he picked up a pile of the noodles and shoved them into his mouth. Amanda sighed and grabbed a dish rag and used it to clean the sauce off his chin.

"I'd thank you to be a little more gentleman like, Sekek. I don't have the time to chase after you today with a dustpan." Amanda muttered.

"I will see to him, Lady." One of the older girls offered softly. "He is not yet capable of being anything but annoying." The girl's face flickered into a brief smile before she forced it back under control.

Amanda chuckled. "I believe that's what little boys are known for the galaxy over." Amanda handed her the dishrag and wiped her hands on the apron she was wearing. She took a good look around the room and for once everyone seemed to be functioning without her. Amanda yanked the serving bowl out of the little one's hands one more time and gave him a warning glare before she turned control of the situation over to the barely out of her Kahs-wan girl that had offered.

Amanda retreated to the now deserted kitchen and started piling the dishes into the sonic unit. She knew Sarek had followed her but it took her a moment to work up the courage to turn around. She went to reach for another dish and started as Sarek's hand appeared suddenly inches from her nose holding the dirty item out to her. Amanda looked up and Sarek nodded once at her. Amanda took the dish and together they loaded the rest of the meal's preparation utensils into the unit. Amanda flipped the dial and slowly turned around.

"I didn't think Sarek of Vulcan knew how to do dishes." Amanda said softly.

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "I did not realize it was considered a difficult task."

"Difficult no. Perhaps demeaning to one in your position." Amanda smiled and started to untie the apron she'd been wearing. "Or terribly domestic at the very least." Amanda tugged on the stubborn knot and hissed in frustration.

"On Vulcan it is considered a necessary action." Sarek moved around her and gave a small jerk to the offending trail of cloth and the apron came loose.   

"Thank you." Amanda took the apron out of his hands and folded it on the counter. "For once I'm glad Sevok packed my entire apartment. I couldn't find an apron anywhere and the children keep getting me filthy at every meal. I finally dug that out of an old box of my grandmothers things in a futile attempt to keep that purple soup you lot insist on eating off my last clean shirt."

Sarek nodded solemnly. "I saw you working with them. The group in question is at a difficult age. They have not yet learned the disciplines. The eldest girl you left in charge is struggling to learn her control and the younger ones have only begun training for the trials."

Amanda couldn't help snorting. "Normally I'd be trying to get them laughing to keep their minds off things but I don't want to set them back any. I'm not quite sure what to do with them." Amanda peered back out at the small grouping of children and watched the little girl struggle to keep the rest of the table from flinging their food everywhere. "I've given the older children tasks to keep busy. They seem to really appreciate having something to do."

Sarek moved to stand next to her. "They desire to be needed. Vulcan society honors service above all else. They wish to serve you as you serve their matriarch in her last days. They do their clan credit."

Amanda turned around and leaned heavily against the counter. "T-Lar's gotten a handle on most of it, but things like making sure the kids are fed on schedule are still falling through the cracks. The adults are all so busy and Varsus got called out of the kitchen to help with manning the com lines. I'm filling in where I can."

Sarek looked at her questioningly. "Who is Varsus?"

"She's the cook, or at least the family member that generally organizes the cooking. I think her real job has something to do with the hydropumping stations outside of town, but her normal contribution to the household is in scheduling and stocking the kitchen." Amanda pointed to a chart that hung on the door to the spice supply cupboard. "Since the house isn't well enough off to have servants T-Sehl parceled out chores to everybody. Varsus is in charge of the food area and has various other house members assigned to her as needed. There's a rotating schedule and people can sign up for times. It runs pretty smoothly so long as there's only the 30-50 or so normally in household residence. Now that the entire clan has descended things are bit more problematic."

Amanda moved to the small food preparation table and sat down, pulling a padd to her and calling up the shopping list. "Everyone that's a regular resident is being kept busy taking care of those who aren't. We're short on about everything, namely space. The house wasn't built to hold this many people. The clan's grown quite a bit since the communal days and while at 30 the house is half-empty at 100 it's stuffed to the gills." Amanda sighed and shook her head as she added another item to the list. "Of the 30 that live here, half are children and not much help, although they try."

Sarek sat down across from her. "The communal households appeal to the younger families because there is an opportunity for group childcare. Most young Vulcans leave the households prior to marriage, return when their children are born, and then leave again when they go away to school."

"And I get stuck babysitting." Amanda sighed and clicked the padd off. "I'll send someone out to get more groceries later. We're going through food at an alarming rate. I never knew Vulcans used food to deal with stress."

"Wait until T-Sehl passes." Sarek's mouth turned down grimly. "It has been some time since a clan matriarch passed. T-Sehl is T-Pau's niece and carries not only the status as matriarch to this clan but an influential position within my own. My house is in a similar state."

Amanda groaned. "Tell me you're keeping them because I can't handle another deluge of mourners."

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "You are handling the situation admirably, Amanda. T-Pau even praised your efforts during the aircar ride here. She heard from one of the lesser house daughters that you were filling in for T-Tesla as _pudor __dvin-tor_, honored servant, to T-Lar, who stands as heir to the matriarch. The job you are performing is considered a thankless, but difficult task. You give T-Tesla time with her mother and temporarily relieve a young woman of a great burden she was not yet ready to take on. You do this as an adopted daughter to the house with little experience of your own and without being asked. You have surprised T-Pau with your abilities."

"Can you explain something to me?" Amanda asked. "Why is T-Lar set up to become matriarch when T-Tesla is T-Sehl's daughter?"

"Our hierarchy is not always based on birth alone." Sarek held his hand out for the padd and Amanda handed it over. He keyed open a blank page and started to draw out a lineage map.

"T-Lar will be matriarch because she is wife to Sevok's brother. Sevok is the equivalent of the clan patriarch. His wife is by default the matriarch unless the other clan leaders profess a lack of confidence in her. Upon her death the title goes to the next highest wife, that of Sevok's brother."

"So if Sevok remarries does the title pass to the new wife?"

"No." Sarek pointed the chart he was labeling. "There is something of the concept of seniority involved. The clan matriarch has to be loyal to the clan. When the eldest female is born of the clan, as in my clan and T-Pau's case, this is simple. If Sevok had a sister living she would have been matriarch instead of T-Sehl. As that was not the case when Sevok's mother passed the title transferred to the highest ranking loyal female, Sevok's wife. T-Sehl had been in the clan by marriage for over a hundred earth years at that point in time. The other clan elders deemed that she was preferable over younger clan born choices. The same is the case with T-Lar and T-Tesla. T-Lar is still young, but as the sister by bonding she outranks T-Tesla who is considerably less maturated. T-Lar has proven her loyalty to the adoptive clan sufficiently to be chosen over the other house daughters, even those of considerable age. It is an honor to be chosen so young, but T-Sehl made the recommendation as I understand, and the matriarch's choice is almost always followed."

Amanda nodded and looked at the complicated drawing Sarek had made. "So T-Tesla is the next in line after T-Lar because she's the eldest female child of the patriarch? What about T-Lar's husband, Sevan? Didn't he have any children from his first marriage?"

Sarek pointed to a side branch going off the chart. "This line is Sevan's daughter from his first wife. T-Vel might have been chosen over T-Lar since she is clan born, but Sevan has never been particularly pleased with her life choices and T-Sehl has found her rather disagreeable. T-Vel was bonded into a higher ranking family and has an infant daughter, T-Pring. T-Pring is likely to become clan matriarch for the other clan. It would be tantamount to merging the clans to make T-Vel matriarch of this clan when her daughter is likely to become a matriarch to a rival clan in a hundred years time. As it stands T-Lar will be matriarch and T-Tesla heir apparent. It is likely that T-Lar and the clan leaders will choose another as heir when things have stabilized. T-Tesla does not show a disposition inclined to leadership. Your taking on her responsibilities proves your worth but harms her image as a potential clan leader. For this she likely thanks you. I believe she has been vocal in her wish to remain outside clan politics." 

"But you said T-Sehl is T-Pau's niece?" Amanda frowned. "Does that mean your clan is merging with Sevok's?"

"Yes." Sarek circled several names on the chart. "These all represent intermarriages between my clan and Sevok's within the last several generations. Historically we have been allied since the days of Surak. The marriages have brought us closer. In another 1000 years there will be no distinction between us. It is likely that at that time one of our clan seats on the high counsel will be reassigned to a newer clan, most probably a group from one of the off world colonies. It has happened before."

"A thousand years." Amanda's eyed widen in shock. "That's…a long time." She finished somewhat sheepishly.

The corner of Sarek's mouth gave a small twitch. "When you consider that the average Vulcan lifespan is around 250 years, it's not so very long. As a people we are slow to change."

Amanda snorted. "I think I'm beginning to see that." She let out a slow breath. "So, what now? Do you just wait here until T-Pau finishes visiting T-Sehl?"

"Essentially yes." Sarek leaned back in the chair and steepled his fingers in front of him. "I have known T-Sehl for many years but I am not so close to her that I would intrude on her end time when she does not wish company. I will admit I am somewhat…disappointed she will not have visitors as is the custom."

Amanda sighed. "It's not her choice, Sarek." He sat forward quickly, his eyes taking in her stricken expression and Amanda bowed her head. "I shouldn't have said that."

"Sevok did not tell me." Sarek said softly. "I would have attempted to dissuade T-Pau had I known."

"That's what all the women out there are doing." Amanda waved her hand in the direction of the central com unit where several of the women of the house were seated composing messages. "They are politely refusing everyone who's not terribly influential and trying to…."

"Allow her dignity." Sarek finished. "My apologies, Amanda. I did not come here to pry."

Amanda couldn't help chuckling. "Sarek, you're the biggest gossip I've ever on this planet, but I know you didn't come here just to pump me for information. You're concerned about Sevok. He's your friend."

"He is my aide," Sarek corrected, "and he is my oldest confidant. I know what he is about to endure. I was spared this…wait. But I know what it is to lose one's bondmate." Sarek's eyes darkened. "I would spare him this if it were possible."

Amanda stood up from the table abruptly and turned away from him. "You do realize that by choosing me you'll face it again don't you? I'll die long before you, Sarek. You'll have to face this situation yet another time."

She heard his chair scrape the floor as he stood up but she didn't turn around. She closed her eyes as his hand came to rest lightly on her shoulder.

"Amanda, this worries you?" He asked softly, his voice terribly close to her ear.

Amanda turned slowly around to face him, finding he was so close she could see herself reflected in his eyes. "Yes."

Sarek stared at her for a long moment. "You would not worry if you had not made your choice."

Amanda sucked a deep breath in through her nose fighting the tears she felt brimming in her eyes. "I don't have a choice, Sarek. I'm becoming rather fond of you, and you tell me either I marry you or you die? Then I find out Earth's planning on prosecuting me and I may never be able to go home? And now I have to watch my friend's entire family fall apart and you sit here and tell me how horrible it all is? I'm watching T-Sehl dying and her only worry is what will happen to Sevok. If I say yes to you I know that someday that will be me and that you'll have to go through it all over again. I can't imagine what it would be like for you twice. Lord knows if you'd survive a second broken bond. But if I say no I risk your life now. What choice is there? I hate the idea of you with anybody else, but that's a reality I'm going to have to face one way or another. The fact that I'm furious with jealousy at the mere thought is enough to tell me that my choice is already made."

Sarek hesitantly brought his hand up and used the back of his index finger to wipe the trail of tears from her cheek. "You cry for me?" His voice was slightly unsteady and his eyes were wide in shock. "You cry for what will happen to me, Amanda? It is your death we discuss and you cry for me?"

"I won't exactly care, Sarek. I'll be dead. I won't be the one suffering." Amanda took a shaky breath. "I may not like the idea of picking out your third wife but if this works out I'll have years to come to terms with, I guess. It's you I'm worried about. How can you enter into this knowing it will end in another severed bond? How can you endure knowing you'll have to face that pain again?"

Amanda had vaguely wondered in the dark of her room if Vulcans kissed like humans. She'd seen the two-fingered touch done in public, but she'd never seen anything more physical. She'd meant to ask T-Sehl about that, and other things, but she'd fallen ill before she'd had the chance. Amanda got part of her answer when she found Sarek suddenly pressed against her, his mouth on hers and his hand grabbing onto hers so tightly it nearly hurt. It wasn't like a normal kiss. Sarek's lips were dry against hers, his body hotter than a human. His lips pressed against hers unyieldingly and when she parted her lips in response his teeth captured her bottom lip and raked across it sending shivers down her spine. His hand moved so that they were clasped palm to palm and Amanda felt a dizzy tingle at the edge of her awareness. There was an almost chocking sense of yearning that caused her to gasp and the vague tingle flared larger until the room tilted and Amanda had to grasp onto the table behind her to remain standing.

As suddenly as it began Sarek withdrew. His eyes darted quickly around the room making sure they were still alone. The others in the common area had not seen and Amanda took a moment to catch her breath before she grabbed his hand and yanked him into a small storage room to the side, well away from any potential seeing eyes. They'd been lucky no one noticed their little conversation and she wasn't about to have the next part of their tête-à-tête in full view of T-Lar's entire family.

"What the hell was that!"? She hissed once she was sure they were alone and the door firmly shut.

Sarek blinked at her. "You…you…you're worried about me."

"Yes," Amanda crossed her arms and glared at him. "I worry about lots of people. That usually doesn't end with them snogging the living day lights out of me in someone else's kitchen."

Sarek's face still showed his shock and he looked a little shaky as he scrambled to gain control over himself. "I am sorry, Amanda. You surprised me." He sat down heavily on a bag of the Vulcan equivalent of rice and closed his eyes. "The situation with Sevok has made me…my control is weak. I grieve with him and I know what he will endure when T-Sehl passes. But I have been concerned what your choice would be for some time. I find the stress of Sevok's position combined with suspense over your answer has been more than my meditations can compensate for." He opened his eyes and Amanda gasped in surprise at the amount of warmth she saw in them, how unguarded he was at that moment. "Amanda, you have implied that you will accept me. You already worry for me." Sarek shook his head as if still trying to believe the words. "We have not bonded yet you are concerned for what might be, what might be when and if I outlive you. I do not think I have ever heard a potential bondmate concern herself with such a thing prior to the bond."

"Not very responsible than, are they?" Amanda shook her head. "And you kissed me because I care?"

Sarek stood up abruptly and moved close to her again, his eyes staying bright. "I thought Sevok and T-Lar warned you not to care." His voice dropped lower and he again ran his finger down her cheek. "You are quite the temptress, Amanda, pudvel-torko-fu to my friend's house."

Amanda shivered despite the stifling temperature in the small room. "Sorry?" She apologized softly but couldn't stop herself from leaning slightly into his touch. Close like this the intensity of his personality was hypnotizing and Amanda was having trouble thinking straight. Had he been human she'd have said he was trying to seduce her. And succeeding.

Sarek's eyes dipped to her throat. "Your pulse has increased." He backed away slightly and looked at her questioningly. "I have this affect on you? "

It was Amanda's turn to sit down shakily. "You're having that affect on me. And a little more." She blushed as she saw realization dawn on Sarek's face and his almost smirk start form.

"Then it is good you have made your choice." He sat down again, keeping a little more distance. His eyes dropped to the floor and he murmured almost to low for her to hear, "You have a similar effect on me."

Amanda bit her bottom lip. "I'm not really sure what that means, Sarek. I know we're…physically comparable." She blushed and he nodded at her to go on. "But there are a lot of cultural issues I'm still trying to figure out. Ten minutes with a biology text told me everything should fit, but I have no idea what to do for answers to the rest. T-Sehl had offered to talk to me but…"

"You no longer have that as an option." Sarek finished for her. He tilted his head in thought and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You may ask me, Amanda."

Amanda felt herself blush so deeply she was sure she was turning purple. "I…that's a little embarrassing."

Sarek gave a small frown. "Explain. If I understand the nature of your questions will you not eventually have to broach the subject with someone? Since it is inconsequential to our relationship how others perceive the cultural issues of which you speech, why not get the information from the…equine's mouth?"

"Horse's mouth." Amanda chuckled. "The expression is horse's mouth. Where did you pick that up from?"

Sarek looked extremely pleased with himself. "I have been courting a human. I thought it best if I investigate your culture. Shras has been giving me examples or your world's literature and creative visual fiction to examine. He was particularly helpful in acquiring works directly related to this issue."

"Oh my god. I think I'm…mortified." Amanda hung her head. "What has that blue skinned deviant been giving you? His taste doesn't usually lead him to the best of what we have to offer." Amanda went pale. "My god, he's given you porn hasn't he? I'm going to kill that blue bastard!" Amanda growled. "Don't believe any of it Sarek, that stuff is not based in reality."

Sarek shrugged, looking slightly confused. "Never the less it has been beneficial. I have already discovered much about your people that has aided in Vulcan/Earth negotiations. It cannot do less for our negotiations." Sarek's expression shifted slightly and he looked at her questioningly. "Are you attempting to change the direction of the conversation?"

Amanda bit her lip. "It's how humans handle situations they are…uncomfortable with. We deflect the conversation away to safer topics."

"If you plan to accept me, it is inevitable we discuss this, Amanda. I would not allow you to wait until my Time to find out such information. " Sarek shook his head. "Correction, I would not allow you to accept the bond without discussing it. Vulcan biology demands that any bond we share contain a certain level of intimacy. If I am interpreting your reactions correctly, you are not opposed to this. Considering the nature of the Time it is generally wise if bondmates become familiar prior to their forced copulation. While it is likely that I have some time before it becomes necessary I would rather not risk delay. I suggest we discuss the necessary cultural, biological, and emotional requirements we each have so that we can move forward in a manner most satisfying, to both our species. My research has not been sufficient to narrow my margin of error to acceptable parameters. I would prefer we discuss this openly prior to any attempt. I would not wish to cause you discomfort nor experience any myself."

"That is the most…" Amanda gave a self-deprecating chuckle. "Sarek, as far as propositioning goes, that was pretty lame."

"Than it is good I was not propositioning you." Sarek replied, one eyebrow raised. "A supply closet is generally not a location conducive to a first coupling. It is, however, private enough to discuss a tentative first encounter to be had at some later point. I would not recommend we do more than plan, however. I do not think such close quarters would allow for much...creativity."

"Doesn't stop most teenagers." Amanda leaned her head back against the shelving and sighed. "I can't talk to you about sex, Sarek. Not now, not with all this going on. I…." She paused and looked up. "What do you mean by "not risk delay"? How quickly are we talking about…" Amanda blushed. "Moving forward?"

Sarek steepled his fingers. "Unbonded males are considered dangerous for a reason, Amanda. My self control is considerable, but I am not unaffected by this wait. My actions within the last hour have proved this. Were you a Vulcan female you would never have consented to being in such a confined space with me until the base of the bond had been established and you could monitor my condition. Your trust in my abilities to predict the Time are naive. Despite my assurances that I am capable of self-monitoring and my position within the cycle, it is very unwise for you to be placing yourself in this position. " Sarek tipped his head to the side to regard her. "I formally warn you, Amanda Grayson pudvel-torko-fu Sevok, my cycle is accelerating. I do not know how long we have. Your human propensity for physical closeness combined with your…natural personality, are pushing the bounds of my control at an alarming rate."

Amanda started. "Should I leave?"

"You are safe, for now. I suggest we do not repeat our…earlier conduct." Sarek let out a slow breath. "I would estimate we have at most 2.473 months. Perhaps more if we limit our contact. Less if we continue in this line of behavior. If we activate a base bond it will likely slow the acceleration of my cycle. If we consummate that bond it may either trigger the fires or return me to the normal biological phase. Because of my broken bond I cannot predict with certainty how I will react. I have been without another for some time. The urge to rectify the situation is somewhat stronger than I anticipated."

Amanda frowned. "But you said we should...get closer prior to your time? If we do that we risk bringing it on faster?"

"Yes, without the base bond, something similar to what is formed between children." Sarek sighed. "This is the inherent problem with broken bonds. My first wife's death was unexpected. I did not have time to withdraw and the severing was...horrific." Sarek paused. "When there is warning both partners distance themselves from the bond, as if to wean themselves off its presence. This lessens the impact when the break takes place. This is why T-Lar's bonding happened so differently from what I am describing. Her husband had warning and was prepared for the break. He did not know T-Lar prior to the arranged bond either, so it was easier for them to gradually work up to their responsibilities towards one another. In my case, I had no warning and was thus unprepared for the traumatic separation. I have had contact with you and have fixated on you for some time. The behavior of even a base bond between us will be unpredictable. The...edges of my mind are raw, damaged. How I will react to establishing contact with another is shear speculation."

Amanda took a deep breath. "But you think you'll be able to form a new bond? I read that sometimes it's impossible."

"I would not have fixated on you if it were impossible to bond." Sarek looked down. "I predict that my reaction will be the opposite."

"You mean you'll bond quicker?" Amanda asked softly.

Sarek didn't look up. "Deeper, faster, more...complete. The fact that you are human and not naturally inclined to telepathy will also affect the bond. Our scientists have noted a small number of humans with telepathic abilities. Based on a few indicators such as your ability to carry a _katra_, I have a theory that you are a genetic carrier for this trait if not a latent telepath yourself, most likely somewhere around a p2 or p3 at the highest. Anything higher and we would have detected it the moment you came to Vulcan to study. Anything less and you would have had more extensive damage from the _katra_."

"How will it affect the bond? Do we need to do some kind of testing first?"

Sarek looked up, his expression softening. "No. I am sufficient in the mind arts to carry a bond even if you were psi-nill. My own rating is a p8. But it may mean you resist the bond or accept it more fully than you intended. I cannot predict your reaction any more than I can my own."

Amanda frowned. "So what exactly are you scared of?" Sarek raised an eyebrow and Amanda waved her hand in dismissal. "Translate that any way you want. I didn't mean offense, but something has got you...preoccupied."

Sarek looked down again and shifted his body a little further away. "I crave a bond with thee, Amanda." He said softly. "I am...concerned that when I attempt to create the base bond, the very minimal bond that is used to link two consorts prior to the Time, I will forge something stronger. The base bond is used so that the female is aware of the male's cycle and can answer him as needed. It does little beyond creating a tentative link. With it you would still have the option to leave or to deny me when the fires begin. If I accidently create a stronger, deeper bond, your mind would not be able to resist it given your lack of training and your low psi ability."

"I'm not abandoning you, Sarek." Amanda crossed the short distance between them and reached for his hand. "I can't say I'm comfortable with this yet, but I made my decision to accept your proposal and to accept you. I know there's no going back, not without causing your death. Base bond or not, when the time comes I will be there."

Sarek looked up in surprise and Amanda smiled at him. "Now, what do you say we discuss whatever it is you think we need to so I'm prepared? After that I can ask any questions I may have." Amanda blushed. "I'd prefer not to share my ignorance of inner-species relations until necessary."

Sarek nodded. "My first concern is that there is a cultural divide related to public..."

Sarek stopped talked suddenly, cocking his head to the side as if listening for something. Amanda started to ask what was wrong but Sarek held a hand up to silence her. Without warning he stood up and grabbed the data padd out of her hand and made for the door.

Sarek stepped out into the kitchen, while simultaneously entering something into the device.

"...that should be enough to see the house through the next week, Amanda. There does appear to be an unusual amount of _hirat_ being consumed. It is out of season but you will most likely find it at the suppliers I have listed in the dehydrated format. It mixes well with _kheh_ and the children will be grateful for the variety at the morning meal."

Catching on, Amanda backed out of the pantry while nodding her head. "Thanks, Sarek. I was having trouble coming up with menu options and I know the little ones really like the _hirat."_ Amanda turned around, making sure to plaster a smile on her face, only to find T-Pau standing in the kitchen.

The elderly Vulcan woman raised an eyebrow at Amanda before turning slowly to Sarek. "Lady T-Sehl is remarkably unwell. Despite this fact she has requested an audience with you, Sarek." T-Pau's tone was ice cold and Amanda could feel her disapproval as she turned her glacial glare to the human. "She has also requested your presence." T-Pau moved her gaze back and forth between the pair. "I had not thought to find you together. In a confined space. Alone."

Sarek raised his own eyebrow in return and held out the padd. "I was assisting Amanda in completing her inventory of the remaining food stores and preparing a list for one of the younger house daughters to procure."

T-Pau nearly snatched the padd away and gazed quickly at. Her mouth hardened as she read over the list and Amanda silently thanked whatever gods were listening that she'd started one the night before. Sarek had been able to add a few details to it as he exited the pantry but there hadn't been time for him to start from scratch. T-Pau held the padd out towards Amanda with clear impatience. "Do I need remind thee of the necessity for precaution?" T-Pau asked Sarek sharply in High Vulcan.

Sarek looked over at Amanda and she could read the subtle amusement in his eyes before he answered back in the same language. "No, T-Pau you need not. I am well aware of my situation as is Amanda. Are you not, Lady?" Sarek turned to her and Amanda couldn't help feeling smug as she replied.

"I am well informed." Amanda answered back, her tongue thankfully not stumbling on the difficult inflections required of High Vulcan, its ancient syllables so close yet different from the modern vernacular she was use to speaking. Amanda barely managed to contain her laugher as T-Pau's eyebrow disappeared into her hairline. Not many people knew she could speak High Vulcan. It wasn't commonly taught to outworlders. Amanda wasn't comfortable with it, but she knew enough for a simple conversation, which was apparently also enough to aggravate T-Pau. "We should not keep T-Sehl waiting."

Amanda turned on her heel and started out of the kitchen not waiting for the others to follow. The children had finished their lunch and as she passed the girl she'd assigned to watch them was just starting to gather the dishes. Amanda paused long enough to give her instructions on what to do to with them before she moved with purpose towards the sick room.

The hall was eerily quiet and Amanda could hear the footsteps of Sarek and T-Pau ghosting behind her down the entire length of the stone passage. It wasn't until she reached the door to T-Sehl's room that she let herself dwell on the implications of both of them being called.

Amanda hadn't set foot back in the room since she'd first helped move the Vulcan matriarch in. As she opened the door the smell of hospital antiseptic hit her nose and Amanda couldn't imagine how horrible the smell must be for the more sensitive Vulcan female nose.

T-Sehl was lying in bed, the life support systems surrounding her like a mechanical shield. Sevok was next to her, his hand holding tightly to hers despite the company. Amanda wasn't sure who looked worse. Both of their faces were drawn in pain and exhaustion. While T-Sehl retained a semblance of calm, Sevok was clearly struggling for his control. The irony that it was T-Sehl whose disciplines were in shambles yet it was Sevok who was displaying the most emotion was not lost on Amanda.

T-Sehl motioned for them to come closer and Amanda moved to stand next to the bed, Sarek at her side. T-Lar came out of the shadows and nodded at Amanda in greeting.

The bleeping of the monitors and T-Sehl's pained breathing were the only sounds as the dying woman reached out to Amanda with her free hand. The normally hot Vulcan skin was cool against Amanda's hand as T-Sehl grasped it. With considerable effort the matriarch guided Amanda's hand until it rested on top of Sarek's. Amanda registered the quick, sharp, inhalation from behind her and knew that T-Pau was not pleased but it wasn't until T-Sehl spoke that Amanda realized the significance of the gesture.

"Sarek, son of Skon, son of Solkar I give thee our house daughter." T-Sehl gasped for breath, the effort of speaking sapping her strength quickly. "Her mercy will serve you and your strength will aid her." T-Sehl gasped again, her eyes hardening in determination. "Your fate to her hands I bind and her life to your keeping I give." T-Sehl murmured something in ancient Vulcan, a dialect Amanda hadn't had a chance to learn, and Sevok raised his head.

Sevok looked shocked at his wife's behavior, and he stared into Amanda' eyes searchingly. Amanda met his gaze and tightened her hold on Sarek's hand. She'd made her decision and if T-Sehl wanted to formalize it on her deathbed Amanda wasn't going to argue the point. Sevok nodded once, seeing her determination and cleared his throat.

"Sarek, son of Skon, son of Solkar I give thee our house daughter." He looked at Amanda and at her nod continued. "Her strength will aid you and your devotion shall serve her. Her duty will to you be paid and your life to her keeping I entrust."

Sarek's hand twitched under hers and Amanda stayed perfectly still as Sevok's voice echoed his wife's in words she still did not know the meaning of. It was T-Lar who stepped forward next, her back ram rod straight.

T-Lar's voice was slightly unsteady as she began in English. "Amanda Grayson, daughter by choice to this house, I give you now the chance to brake the contract here bound and undue your ties to this house and to the one whose trust you now hold. This is all the choice that tradition allows. As house daughter you are bound by the choice of your elders, but your traditions are not ours and you have not formally consented to pudvel-torko-fu. If you so chose you may escape this fate and return to your people and your ways. Should you chose to remain your path has been laid."

The rebellious part of her nature was screaming at Amanda to argue about this. She'd decided to accept Sarek, but only he knew of that decision. T-Sehl was forcing her hand, from her death bed. If Amanda said no she would lose any and all protection that the family could provide. She'd be forced off Vulcan and into the Federation's hands. She'd be deported to Earth and held for trial and without any chance of diplomatic immunity. Shras would undoubtedly come to her defense but that would do her precious little good once in Earth custody. It was sneaky and underhanded and if it wasn't for the fact that she could feel Sarek's trepidation through where their hands touched she'd have thrown caution to the winds and told the Vulcan couple where they could stick it.

Amanda looked up at Sarek and their eyes locked. T-Pau was a silent specter behind them, her disapproval clear, but she made no move to interfere perhaps sensing Sarek's unspoken desire for this. "I..." Amanda let out a deep breath. "What do I do to signal my agreement?" She asked Sarek softly.

The instant the words left her lips Sarek's entire body relaxed. "You simply stay still." Sarek raised his free hand to the side of her face and brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. T-Lar drew in a sharp breath at the intimate and familiar gesture but kept her piece.

"I did not wish to force you, Amanda-am." T-Sehl's weak voice whispered, her modern Vulcan sounding harsh after the lyrical tones of High Vulcan and its ancient sister tongue. "My time grows short, however, and I find I am selfish. I wanted this honor for myself." She took a painful breath before switching back to the older tongue. "T-Pau, I have given our pudvel-torko-fu Amanda to a son of your house. Do you accept her as bondmate to one of your clan?"

T-Pau stepped forward and eyed the pair critically. "Thee has made thy choice, Sarek son of Skon." She said quietly in modern Vulcan. "Thy path is set. My voice will do little to alter it now. Regret is an emotion, one I hope you do not come to know." She turned her gaze back to her niece and nodded, switching to the formal language of High Vulcan easily. "T-Sehl, I accept this offer on behalf of my house son and I thank the clan for its gift. Your pudvel-torko-fu honors your clan with her willing service." T-Pau moved around to stand behind the pair and lifted a weathered hand to each cheek, murmuring a long string of words in ancient Vulcan. Amanda felt her prodding at her mind and she met Sarek's eye questioningly, trying to hide her fear.

Sarek let one corner of his mouth twitch upwards in something close to a smile and Amanda tried to relax as T-Pau poked and prodded at her mind. She could feel Sarek through their joined hands and knew that he was undergoing the same scrutiny. T-Pau's voice started intoning louder in the still mystifying dialect and Amanda bit back a gasp as she felt a tug at her consciousness and then a sudden keen awareness of Sarek where before there had only been a vague knowledge brought out by their physical contact. T-Pau was forming the base bond...somehow Amanda sensed that this was safer than Sarek doing so himself and it was an honor that he had not expected his matriarch to perform. T-Sehl had not only forced Amanda to make a choice, but had also forced T-Pau into accepting Amanda and Sarek's bond. T-Pau could do nothing else without risking a grave insult to her niece's clan.

T-Pau's presence floated at the edges of Amanda's mind, a cold logical cloud that felt far more alien than Sarek ever had. T-Pau's finger dug into her cheek and Amanda flinched slightly as the woman mentally expressed her displeasure at the arrangement, but her desire to see Sarek remain safe and whole was greater than her dislike for the emotional human he had chosen. She would not risk her grandson's life on something so illogical as prejudice.

It didn't take long. The old woman withdrew her hands after no more than a minute of contact. Sarek's hand turned to hold hers tighter. T-Pau nodded once. "T-Amanda, I welcome thee to our clan." T-Pau looked down at T-Sehl, "You have caused considerable trouble today, niece. I am unsure if I should thank thee or seek retribution."

T-Sehl raised an eyebrow. "Considering it a dying request." She squeezed Sevok's hand weakly. "You may thank me by returning the favor."

Sevok looked like he was about to protest when T-Pau cut him off. "_Kroikah_." She eyed Sevok reproachfully before turning back to her niece. "Sevok will be provided for, T-Sehl. Your clan has given a daughter to our son. As is the ancient way we will provide equally." T-Pau raised her hand. "I cannot wish you long life, my niece, but may your _katra_ ever grace the hall or our ancestors." T-Pau didn't wait for a reply but turned and left abruptly, leaving Amanda still holding Sarek's hand.

"Can somebody please explain what the hell just happened?" Amanda asked softly. Her knees suddenly gave out and T-Lar barely managed to push a chair under her before Amanda collapsed, Sarek helping to steady her or should would have tumbled off the side.

Sevok sighed. "My wife has traded you to T-Pau to secure a bondmate for me when it is necessary."

T-Sehl took a pained breath. "You did not seem to mind, Amanda-am." She smiled softly and Amanda had to close her eyes to hide the tears that sprang into them at the obvious evidence of the Vulcan's illness. "I knew you would choose Sarek in time. But I do not have the luxury of waiting." She closed her eyes in pain and the monitors beeped alarmingly for a moment before settling back down. "I wished to see the initial bonding, to give you formally to Sarek's clan. I see to your future and my husband's. It is the last duty I perform as clan matriarch."

Sarek rubbed the back of Amanda's hand gently. "It is fortuitous we started our discussion earlier, Amanda. Had we not I would have stopped this proceeding." 

Amanda flushed. "We didn't exactly finish that conversation, Sarek." She eyed him carefully trying to ascertain that his fears from earlier were unfounded. "Everything alright?"

Sarek seemed to ponder the question before he answered. "Reasonably."

"Why do I not like the sound of that?" Amanda muttered and couldn't help but notice T-Lar flinch.


	17. Grief

_A/N: Okay, I'm__**t****his** close to 200 reviews on this and we're reaching the one year mark. My New Year's resolution: finish this story BEFORE the 1 year anniversary of my posting chapter 1. Cheer me one guys 'cause we're at the start of a new academic semester and historically this is my WORST time of year to try and write... Because I anticipate I'll be updating too fast for my beta, expect a few typos. As she returns chapters to me I'll come back and leave corrections. _

_I want to thank everyone that's reviewed so far. Your feedback means the world to me. And a shout out to everyone on the Sarek and Amanda listserv, you know who you are, thanks for letting me lurk about and every time somebody mentions my story allowing me to just dissolve into gleeful giggles. I'm tickled that a reader posted the link to the story on the list without my promoting. It made my year. _

_All the Vulcan words were created or taken from the Vulcan Language Dictionary _www dot starbase dash 10 dot de slash vld _I don't expect that I have the grammar spot on, but hey, creative license, willing dispensation of believe, and all that._

* * *

The night air on Vulcan was slightly cool on Amanda's skin as she walked. After the heat of the day the nights here were always alarmingly chilly. Not that it was really all that cold, just that she'd started to acclimate to the daytime heat and now the nearly spring like temperature made her shiver.

Sarek, for his part, seemed to be enjoying the evening air as they walked. He stopped for a long moment as the light reflected from T'Khut fell onto their portion of the garden. His eyes closed for a moment and Amanda couldn't help but think that in the not-quite-moonlight he looked more mythical than alien. The walled garden attached to the estate was filled with samples Vulcan's most lush vegetation and at night the ferns and flowering vines spread out in a blanket of purple and green only to disappear into the sands with the first light of morning. Against the magical backdrop they wrought and the golden hues of T'Khut, it seemed like Amanda stood with an Elf king from Avalon more so than Sarek of Vulcan.

Sarek slowly opened his eyes and reached out to pluck a purple pear like fruit from one of the hanging vines. He inspected it carefully before handing it to Amanda and taking another for himself. The fruit was something of a staple in the Vulcan diet at this time of year, nothing special, but Amanda had always liked it. It tasted like cranberries but looked like eggplant. She bit through the thin peel and let the somewhat grainy texture pull her back into reality.

Sarek wasn't an Elvin god and T-Khut wasn't magical. And they'd just been…whatever they'd just been. Amanda wasn't sure what to call what had just happened. It wasn't quite a marriage but it was one hell of a step up from an engagement.

Sarek seemed to sense her inner turmoil and was letting her work through it. Amanda sighed and sat down on one of the benches against the garden wall. To be honest, he probably did sense it. They were bonded, at least minimally. With his psi ability he'd likely be able to tell her general state at all times.

It was kind of a nice thought, actually. They'd get to skip what her mother had always called the "relationship boot camp" where she'd have to train him to recognize her moods. Historically, Amanda had always found human men relatively dense when it came to recognizing her emotions. Sarek would have the advantage of _knowing_ what she was feeling. He'd probably have no clue what to _do_ about it, but knowing was the first the step. It was promising that he seemed to instinctively know that the confusion she was currently experiencing was best met with his silent presence rather than questioning. Maybe their two species were more alike than most gave them credit for.

Sarek sat down carefully next to her on the bench and they both ate the fruit in silence. Amanda licked the last of the sticky juice off her fingers before she tentatively spoke.

"So, what are we now?"

Sarek leaned back against the wall and stared at T-Khut thoughtfully. "There is no direct translation, as you know. You are my _ko-kugalsu_ and I your _sa-kugalsu_ which are typically translated as fiancée and fiancé but if I understand your 'engagements' on Earth correctly this is an unsatisfactory paraphrase of a complex concept. The closest concept on Earth would be that of a couple after they have exchanged their wedding vows but prior to the consummation." Sarek paused and took a deep breath. "Our status as adults complicates matters even further. Had we been children our roles would be clearer. As we are not, we have to make a few choices."

Amanda nodded. "Such as?"

Sarek shifted and Amanda got a vague sense of nervousness through the bond. "We are only base linked. The bond is weak. We can proceed as if we were in the traditional childhood bond. When I enter the Time you will know and be called to me. Until that time you would be free to do as you please. As I have stated, this is not necessarily the wisest course of action. Most adults do not choose this path."

Amanda reached out for his hand and squeezed it. "I think we've already established that we need to…get better acquainted before your Time." She smiled at him. "So, what are the other options?"

Sarek didn't try to remove his hand and she could feel him relax fractionally. "We could continue to 'date' as you call it. There is something of a precedence in Vulcan society for this between adults that are not yet fully bonded but have undergone a modified form _koon'ul_as we have just done. We could…take things more slowly, so long as my cycle permits."

"It's not going to permit us too long, is it?" Amanda asked softly. "I saw the look on your face in T-Sehl's room. The _koon'ul_ bond didn't slow it down like you'd hoped."

"Nor has the progression increased in pace." Sarek squeezed her hand gently. "I still estimate we have around two months till my Time."

Amanda shivered. "What are our other options?"

"We do as your friend T-Lar and her husband did. We…behave as full _telsu__-__shif_ and allow the _kah-ka_ to mature out of the _koon'ul_ naturally. We will not be fully 'married' as you understand it until after our first _koon-ut-kal-if-fee_. Many now consider this a formality. Since we are both adults, it is socially acceptable if we were to proceed as if we were a fully bonded couple, a _telsu-__shif_. This is considered the safest route for those in our position since it allows the _kah-ka_, the Bond, to mature. The more stable the _kah-ka_, the more likely we are to avoid any … unpleasantness during the _pon'farr_."

Sarek seemed extra nervous and it took Amanda a moment to realize why. "We don't have much time for the bond to mature, do we? Even if we…go ahead as _telsu-shif_ we're still going to have problems in two months. There's just not enough time for a stable _kah-ka_ to form."

"There may not be, but there is still a possibility that if we deepen the bond from that of the _koon'ul_ to the full marriage _kah-ka_ it will return my cycle to the normal pattern. It is not likely that we can deepen the bond that quickly, but there is a chance."

"Since when were Vulcans satisfied by chance?" Amanda teased softly. "Look, the point is mote. We'll face it when it happens. The question we've now got to answer is how we go forward. I mean, not to sound pragmatic, but what's the most immediate life altering occurrences of this little ceremony T-Sehl sprung on me? Assuming we do act as if we're a fully bonded couple, how is that going to change thing _right now_?"

Amanda could feel Sarek pulling his disciplines together and watched as he visibility calmed. "The most immediate change would be to relocate you to my home. It is traditional that for the first year of a bonding the couple live in the same dwelling. You would have a choice of sharing quarters with me or having a suit next to mine. It is your preference. At the end of the year we would evaluate whether or not you wished to continue living in such close proximity to me."

Amanda chewed her bottom lip. "What would you prefer?"

Sarek's dark eyes held hers. "I would not have you parted from me, Amanda. I believe you will prove a most loyal bond mate, but it would ease my concern to have you close."

"I…I'm willing to try sharing rooms with you." Amanda dropped her eyes nervously. "I've never lived with anyone that closely, so you'll have to make a few allowances. And we'll have to negotiate on temperature and all that. We do have vastly different needs in that department."

"We will find a comfortable middle." Sarek rubbed her hand gently. "I doubt you will wish to leave until after things have settled here."

"You mean until T-Sehl passes." Amanda blinked back tears. "I can't believe we're sitting out here discussing this and she's taking her last breaths."

"It is the way of things. Death is the next part of all our journeys." Sarek looked a little uncomfortable as Amanda's tears started to fall. "I do not know how to comfort you, _ak__-__adun'a__. _ Shras' materials did not provide sufficient instruction in this area."

Amanda couldn't help laughing at how serious he sounded and on impulse she hugged him. Sarek seemed startled but slowly reached up to hold her. "Is this correct?"

"Yeah, you've got the right idea." Amanda sighed and let her sag into him, letting go enough that instead of being plastered to him she was simply leaning against him. He kept one arm around her back and the other still clutched her hand. Physical contact seemed to increase her ability to _feel_ Sarek and his Vulcan calm bleed though the bond just enough to keep her nerves from fraying. "I'm sorry. It's going to take a while for us to get use to this. Please, keep asking me things when I confuse you. I know most humans would get upset but if we don't talk we'll never figure this out. There's a lot of middle ground to find."

Sarek's hold on her tightened fractionally. "I anticipate it will be difficult. Our people are not dissimilar but we are not alike. I know you will grieve for T-Sehl but I do not know what that will mean for you. I do not know how close you were to her or how that will translate into your mourning rituals."

Amanda snorted and rested her head on his shoulder. "I don't have mourning rituals. I just…hurt for a while."

Sarek frowned slightly down at her. "You do not have customs to assist you in times like these? To help you process the emotions and to accept the passing?"

"Not as such. There use to be…some cultures on Earth still have them. But my family wasn't really religious and most humans don't practice in that way anymore." Amanda sighed. "I'll just miss her. Go through the stages of grief in my own time." Amanda could sense Sarek's confusion. "I'm not _that_ close to her, but I could have been. I really like her. She…feels like family. I don't have a lot of that left. When mom died so suddenly it just…we fell apart. And then dad passed away and I was alone."

"You are _pudvel-torko-fu,_ chosen house daughter, to this clan and are serving as _pudor-dvin-tor_ to the _ak-__pid-kom_ T-Lar. They are your family, Amanda. As mine is now also yours." Sarek paused and raised an eyebrow. "I have not considered this, and it is an error on my part, but do you not have family that I must negotiate with for you?"

"I'm not property, Sarek. We don't do it that way. Even if my parents were alive they'd have no actual say in who I married. I'd have liked to have had their blessing, but it wouldn't have been necessary." Amanda wiped at the tear tracks on her cheeks. "I don't have any brothers or sisters. My cousin Adam is the closest member of my family still living. He's the one taking care of my family home, you know that thing that started this mess."

Sarek nodded. "The home on the lake you told me about, the one that you wished to retain despite the change in Earth's allocation system. Should I entreat this Adam Grayson for his 'blessing'?"

Amanda raised her head off Sarek's shoulder. "No, he knows a little about what's going on. I just need to tell him we've gone and done it. He's working a few legal angles trying to figure out a way out of the mess I've made with the government and my federation citizenship. This is likely to have an impact on that."

"Your Federation citizenship is no longer in question." Sarek straightened in his seat. "The Federation would not dare to question the citizenship of my wife. Shras and I will handle any problems easily. The only concern you need have is over the legal implications on Earth itself. We can only intimidate your government. It would not serve the greater good to impose sanctions for what is in the larger scheme a small infraction."

"I wouldn't ask you too." Amanda growled. "I'm angry as hell with them over this but I won't drag two alien governments into it. I'll fight my own battles. Adam and I will figure something out, eventually. For now I'll just have to avoid Earth and her colonies."

Amanda sat up straight and moved to a more respectable distance. "I'm sorry I just draped myself all over you. You can't have liked that. There's nobody else out here, but it's probably far to public for you."

Sarek nodded. "Thank you for your concern. It is rather more…public than I am comfortable with. I know there will be times where you will require more…contact than I am comfortable with in front of others. I will attempt to provide for you if you will attempt to limit the necessity." Sarek paused. "However, when we are alone, I am not adverse to you… 'plastering yourself' as you call it."

Amanda giggled. "He likes to cuddle. Good to know."

Sarek frowned. "Cuddle? I am unfamiliar with this term."

Amanda bit her lip. "I'll demonstrate someday. This was… a mild form of it." Amanda sighed and turned her gaze up to the glowing secondary planet above them. "So, after T-Sehl passes, how long do I keep serving as…what did you call it? Honored servant?"

"_pudor-dvin-tor"_ Sarek answered. "It is a traditional role of helper or assistant to the next matriarch, the _ak-__pid-kom_. You will remain in this role until T-Sehl's _katra _ is delivered to the Hall."

"We go tomorrow." T-Lar's voice broke the calm of the garden and Amanda gave a start as her friend slipped from the shadows. "T-Sehl passed 5.2 minutes ago, house sister. Her daughter carries her."

Amanda stood up and moved to T-Lar's side. "How is Sevok?"

T-Lar's eyes dropped. "He is not well, Amanda. The healers do not think he will survive the breaking of the bond. He refused to distance from her and they cannot seal the wound. He will allow no one close enough to meld. He is…unraveling."

Sarek gave an uncharacteristic curse in ancient Vulcan. "She would not wish him to do this."

"She is no longer in a position to object." T-Lar stated calmly. "My husband is attempting to convince him the illogic of this course but Sevok has always been stubborn and has never listened to Sevan. T-Tesla is not in a condition to think logically at the moment and her pleas are not swaying him."

"He doesn't want to live without her." Amanda said softly. "He can't imagine life without her and he doesn't want to. Just like dad."

Sarek looked down at her in surprise. "Your father passed due to your mother's death?"

Amanda shivered. "He didn't pass so much as kill himself." Amanda's tone hardened. "And I'll never forgive him for that. It was selfish and hurtful and a complete waste." Amanda forced her anger down. "He blamed himself for her death and one day I came home and found him…let's just say I was the one to find him. I still have the note he left." Amanda closed her eyes in remembered pain and was grateful for the soft touch of Sarek's hand on her arm. "Sevok can't do this to his family. He has to at least _try_." She opened her eyes and growled. "I've got to _make_ him try."

Amanda drew herself up straight and headed for the door back into the house. She didn't stop moving until she reached the common area where the extended family was gathered. It took her a moment to find her, but eventually Amanda spotted Sevok's great-niece in the throng of people. In the time the girl played gofer for the healers Amanda had gotten to know her and how close she was to Sevok and T-Sehl. The little girl was treated as something close to a granddaughter and out of all the children living in the communal home she was the most likely to reach Sevok through his despair. "You, come with me." She grabbed the young girl's elbow and marched her off in the direction of the private room T-Sehl had occupied. "I need your help beating some sense into an old goat."

The girl's parent's looked on in shock but did not move to stop them. T-Lar was right behind them and they left Sarek awkwardly standing in the common room. He wasn't family to T-Sehl and it was against custom for any males to enter the room after the death of a female.

Amanda stormed into the room and tried hard not to look at T-Sehl's empty body. Her daughter was opening crying, two long trails of tears sliding down her otherwise expressionless cheeks. Her hands were resting on her father's arms, but it was clear he wasn't aware of the contact. Sevok was shockingly still, his face blank as he stared at the bed in shock. The healers had turned their attention to him, giving him some kind of medication with a hypo spray, but the grim expressions on their faces did not bode well.

"Sevok," Amanda called loudly. "You're being a fool. She did not want this."

Sevok's dark eyes raised but his expression remained just as blank. He stared at her for a moment before lowering his eyes back to his wife's body. Amanda pushed the young girl out in front of her. "Take a look at the little one, Sevok. You die, what happens to this family? Have you thought about that? T-Lar's got no experience being matriarch. Your brother's never been active in running the household. The only one that knows how to handle things is you. You let yourself die and they suffer for it. You cause _them _pain."

The little girl was staring at Sevok, the fear in her eyes painfully bright. "_Orfik -__toz'ot__Sevok_?" The girl asked softly. "Please, _Orfik -__toz'ot__, _do not go. I do not wish to lose you both."

T-Tesla looked up at the girl, her eyes unusually bright before turning pleadingly back to her father. "a'nirih, listen to her. She was m'aih's favorite. She made you promise to look after her. You will leave us both? You would do this to us? You are _required_ here."

Sevok shook his head. "You do not need me, _ko-fu_. I am old and she was my life, my _k'hat'n'dlawa."_

The room seemed to stand still at that admission. Amanda knew how out of fashion it was to admit such a thing, however true.

For a long moment no one said anything and then the little girl took a hesitant step forward. "You loved her, _orfik-toz'ot_. We know this. But joining her now will not bring her back. It will only harm those that remain. _Orfik- __ezyet_ spent her last days arranging for _your_ survival. Do not dishonor her with your actions." The girl drew herself up and glared. "_Orfik-ezyet_ was a great _pid-kom_. If you allow the broken bond to take you, her last act will be a failure. Her _katra_ will not rest. She will not go on in her journey."

T- Tesla nodded. "_a'nirih_, listen to the child if you will not to me. _m'aih _worried only for you. If you love her, give her this. Let her dying wish sway you."

Sevok didn't say anything but he didn't pull away when the healer placed a gentle hand on the side of his face. The healer slipped into a meld and for a long tense hour no one moved. Eventually the healer sagged and Sevok's eyes drifted shut and he slumped in his seat, unconscious.

Amanda held her breath.

"He is weak." The healer spoke softly. "He did not want me to heal the edges of the bond, but your logic was sound little one. He does not wish to dishonor T-Sehl with his death." The healer moved slowly over to the young Vulcan girl. "You did well today." He gazed down at her softly and Amanda smiled at seeing the caring expression on his face. The two had spent a lot of time working together of the last several days and Amanda had enjoyed watching how an adult Vulcan could mentor a child. "I think you will one day be a most competent healer." He patted the girl's shoulder once and then left the room.

T-Tesla's tears had dried up and she stood. "Thank you, _krei_." She said softly to her cousin. She raised her eyes to Amanda. "And thank you, _ko-kai_." She left the room quickly and Amanda gently nudged the girl to follow her.

Amanda turned to T-Lar. "What do we do with Sevok?"

T-Lar's husband Sevan stepped forward. "I will take him to our rooms and watch him. As his brother it is my place to help him through this. He did so for me. I had hoped to never have to repay him." Sevan's normally expressionless face was creased in sorrow. "T-Sehl was his universe. Even should he choose not to fight the healing of the bond I do not know if will mend sufficiently to allow him to enter another."

Sevan picked Sevok up and exited from the room leaving T-Lar and Amanda alone with T-Sehl's body.

T-Lar brushed a single tear off her cheek before pulling herself together. "We must prepare her body for the next journey." She pulled the sheets off the body and hesitated for a moment, her hands hovering over the claps on her sister-in-laws robes. "Amanda, as _pudor-dvin-tor_ your last duty to me and to T-Sehl is to help prepare her body for the Leaving. If you cannot do this I understand."

Amanda nodded solemnly. "What do I have to do?"

T-Sehl unbuttoned the robe and pulled it aside. "We remove all the medical devices and return her to her natural state. We clean her by scrubbing her skin with sand from her family's holy site. When we are done T- Tesla, you, and I will take her body there and perform the Leaving before making our way to the Hall where T-Tesla will deliver her _katra_ so it may rest."

"The Leaving?" Amanda asked as she started to help gently remove T-Sehl's clothing. "I've never heard of it."

"It is the old way. It is the _mem-lu til-kum__trasha__._" T-Lar turned and solemnly retrieved a carved jar. Opening it, she poured a small amount of dark sand onto T-Sehl's bare chest. "What is born of Vulcan's sands returns to it. She is left where she was born so that her body may nourish another's birth."

Amanda paused in shock. "You mean we leave her there for scavengers?"

T-Lar nodded. "It is the old way. T-Sehl's first family retains the ancient rites, as does Sarek's. Sevok is not so inclined but it was T-Sehl's wish to follow this custom so it will be done. Only the three females closest to her are allowed in her presence now." T-Lar put her hands into the pile of sand and started to spread it out over the body. "We rub the sand into her skin as you would an exfoliate. We repeat this process until rigor sets."

Amanda had to force herself to lower her hands to the sand. "T-Tesla can't bring herself to help, can she?"

"Carrying a _katra_ is not easy. She will rest and meditate with her mother's _katra_ until it is time. Sevan will watch Sevok for us and when we return from the mountains…" T-Lar paused in her work and looked up at Amanda, "When we return from the mountains I will talk with you about the future. When I am satisfied you are prepared, Sevan and I will take you to Sarek if Sevok is not capable."

Amanda nodded. "I…thank you." She rubbed at the coarse sand and flinched at the feeling of T-Sehl's cooling skin under fingers.


	18. Exhaustion

There were many places on Vulcan closed to outsiders. Their ancestral places were sacred to them. Carved from the rock and set deep in the mountains they were both revered and despised but never for the eyes of off-worlders. From ancient times forward it had been this way. It was here that Vulcans gave birth. It was from here they left for the trials. From here they were betrothed. On these sands they married. On these rocks they conceived. And to these sands they returned. The most poignant and meaningful moments of Vulcan life revolved around these sacred stone temples. Moments that would always mark their greatest joys, deepest fears, and most supreme sorrows.

Amanda stood still in the early dawn light and let the sands beat against her as the wind whipped off the Forge. The plateau on which she stood looked out over the vast desert from it's sheltered place nestled in the base of the mountains, near to the Priestesses that watched over it, and the others like it. T-Sehls body lay naked on the gray stone platform in front of her. The Vulcan's skin was oddly red from the sand she and T-Lar had spent most of the night rubbing onto it. Gone was the greenish tinge that meant _life_ to a Vulcan. In its place, the red of the desert sands, the color of death to Vulcan. Her unbound hair moved snake like against the stone as the wind caught it and for a moment it made her seem alive.

T-Tesla and T-Lar were standing on either side of Amanda and all three women wore the same stoic expression. Their ceremonial robes of semi-transparent fabric whipped around their legs and snagged on the little pebbles that littered the walkway. The silence was deafening, the only sound the wind and the swish sand and fabric. No one spoke.

T-Lar moved first, turning her back on her T-Sehl's body and walking silently and swiftly down to the waiting guards and the long procession that had led the agonizing walk here. Amanda waited till she heard the creak of T-Lar climbing into the ancient carrying chair and than she too turned her back and descended down her to resume her position in the procession. T-Tesla arrived moments later and Amanda took her hand to steady her.

As the new clan _pid-kom _it was T-Lar's place to ride in the middle of the procession, in a place were she could be protected from attack. T-Tesla, as the _katra _bearer, was walking just in front of her in honor of the duty she was undertaking. Amanda, acting as T-Lar's assistant, was there to guide the _katra _bearer and insure her safe journey to the priestesses.

Like most who carry a _katra,_ T-Tesla was experiencing a host of symptoms. She was reliving snatches of her mother's life in her mind and it was only through supreme effort that she was able to walk unaided to the site and back down again as custom demanded. Now that they were all in their appointed places in the procession it was acceptable for Amanda to take her hand and ground her. Amanda's physical contact could act like an anchor and give T-Tesla something concrete to feel and concentrate on during the long walk to the Priestesses where she would turn over her mother's _katra_.

T-Tesla gripped Amanda's hand hard and wobbled on her feet. Amanda grabbed her with both arms to steady her and the procession had to pause for a long moment before T-Tesla was able to exert enough control to continue.

Amanda had never realized the true burden of being a _katra_ bearer. She'd been unconscious for the majority of the time she'd carried one. The struggle she was witnessing as T-Tesla attempted this last task for her mother was dreadful. T-Lar assured her that this was normal and had T-Tesla been required to carry her mother for longer it would have eased with time. As it was, little time had passed and T-Tesla had not yet managed to adjust to her mother's presence. Her mother's memories, emotions, everything she was, was bouncing around in her daughter's head. Sevan said it was like being two in one, yourself and another but unlike a meld there was no control. It was as if you poured water into a container of oil then proceeded to roll it to and fro. Both substances must share the container but they could not merge and could not separate. The movement kept them twined together but their natures forced them apart.

The heat was increasing rapidly and Amanda was tiring quickly. She'd relented and taken a tri-ox injection prior to leaving the estate but it was wearing off. It was nearing mid-day by the time they reached the priestesses and Amanda was near to collapse. T-Tesla was not much better and for the last half mile Amanda had been supporting a good portion of the woman's weight.

T-Lar climbed out of her seat and took her place on T-Tesla's other side and the two somehow managed to haul the nearly incoherent girl up the steps to the waiting platform. The eldest priestess motioned for them to lay T-Tesla down on one of the stone slabs. It looked so eerily similar to where they'd left T-Sehl's body that Amanda nearly gagged.

The ceremony did not take long. The Priestess melded with T-Tesla and gently removed her mother's _katra_. It only took a few moments. As she and her acolytes went inside, Amanda, T-Lar, and T-Tesla again found themselves alone on a wind swept Vulcan plateau.

T-Lar waited until the last glimpse of the priestesses white robes disappeared before she spoke, finally breaking the eerily silence they'd held since gathering around T-Sehl's body that morning.

"The procession has ended. We are free to return." She eyed T-Tesla carefully. "You have been through a great ordeal. Do you require assistance?"

T-Tesla shook her head. "I am recovering, T-Lar. I will not require your aide." She turned away from the platform and started down a second set of steps that Amanda had not noticed. She paused on the second step and turned to Amanda, a speculative look on her face. "Come, T-Amanda. There are aircars waiting that will return us to the city. We need not make another journey on foot."

Amanda sighed gratefully. "Thank God. I don't think I could walk that again."

T-Lar caught Amanda as she tripped and raised an eyebrow. "T-Tesla may not require my aide, but it would appear you do." T-Tesla started to climb back up to assist but Amanda waved her off.

Amanda clutched T-Lar's arm for support and held still for a moment until her head stopped spinning. "I think I'm close to having a heat stroke. Can you get me to the car?"

T-Lar nodded and supported most of Amanda's weight as they carefully followed T-Tesla down the stairs.

"I should have disobeyed custom and had you ride in my place. I could have supported T-Tesla and allowed you rest."

Amanda sagged into the aircar's seat and gratefully accepted the bottle of water T-Lar handed her. "It was my job and I was going to do it." Amanda gulped down a good amount of water and felt her stomach turn in response. She fought down the sudden nausea and closed her eyes in exhaustion. "Just please, don't make me do that again any time soon. Poor little human here. I just can't handle the heat in your desert. I'm not cut out for this."

T-Lar and T-Tesla both raised their eyebrows in response but Amanda was too tired to notice.

"We will be home shortly." T-Lar handed Amanda another bottle of water. "Do you wish me to have a healer waiting?"

"No." Amanda took a sip of water and leaned back heavily into the aircar's cushions. "I'll be fine. I'm just tired." She opened her eyes and looked over to T-Tesla. "How are you doing? You had the hardest job."

The young Vulcan woman shook her head wearily. "I am fine, T-Amanda. It was an honor to carry mother."

"Yeah, but honors usually take a lot out of you." Amanda smiled softly and handed the rest of the water to her. T-Telsa hesitantly took it. "I don't know about you but I think I need a bit stiffer of a drink and a good long nap. Then I'd like to ask some questions about that whole thing we just did. I'd like to know more about the development and meaning of the customs."

T-Lar sighed dramatically. "Amanda, you are a most peculiar human."

Amanda laughed. "I must be. I keep seeing things no off worlder is supposed to. You guys are pretty trusting. I can't imagine those priestesses were all that happy with a human being there."

T-Tesla shook her head gravely. "No, T-Amanda. You do not understand. You are no longer an off worlder. You belong to our House and to Sarek's clan. You are now, in the eyes of the priestesses and our laws, a Vulcan."


	19. Suspicion

Amanda barely made it to her rooms before the weight of the previous week came crashing down on her like the mountains she had just left. She shrugged out of the delicate outer robes she'd warn to 'bury' T-Sehl and let them fall to the floor in a weightless pile of gauze. She needed to start packing. Sevan and T-Pel would be escorting her to Sarek's tomorrow...

Amanda wasn't regretting her choice, it just seemed so insignificant next to T-Sehl's passing. Everyone else seemed to think other wise, that somehow Amanda's journey was more important than T-Sehl's. Even Sevok had managed to come out of his near comma like state to try and speak to her about it. His wife was dead and he was worried about _her_. How bad was this Vuclan mating drive anyway?

Amanda sat down on the sofa heedless of her half dressed state and put her head in her hands.

"I must say Sarek won't be displeased. You're worth the wait."

Amanda nearly fell of the sofa in her scramble to grab for her discarded outer clothing. "What the hell!" She gathered the material to her chest and looked up in shock. "Shras!"

"Hello pink skin." Shras leaned causally against the doorframe to her bedroom and smirked. "I suppose I should have warned you I was coming."

"How in the name of all that's holy did you get in here!" Amanda cried as she pushed past him to get to her bedroom and find something more substantial to wear. She shoved him out of the way and slammed the door.

"I'm an Andorian. You think the Vulcan's bother with meaningful security on these ancestral houses now a days? I just shimmed in the window." Shras' amused voice filtered through the thick door.

Amanda threw on a set of loose pants and a top before ranking the door back open. "Why didn't you just use the front door like a civilized person?"

"And miss this? I live to surprise you." Shras plopped down on the sofa and grinned. "I hear you've been busy. And you didn't even invite me to the wedding."

"What wedding?" Amanda huffed and sat down heavily in a chair opposite him. "Everything happened so fast...and we aren't exactly married. Yet."

Shras' eyes darkened. "No, I suppose not. You don't seem to have any bruises."

He sat up fully and eyed her carefully. "You are my friend, Amanda. As is Sarek. I wish you both happiness."

Amanda frowned. "You aren't going to warn me away?"

"Why would I do that?" Shras shrugged. "Sure, they get a little kinky with their sex every seven years. You pink skins have the most unusual tastes in that department. Compared to some of your species tastes, the Vulcans are mild. I mean some of the things you people put on film...."

Amanda growled. "I have a bone to pick with you about that. How could you give Sarek Earth porn?"

"It is educational." Shras' antenna waved with glee. "I hardly find it stimulating myself. Your species and mine have vastly different ideas about what's provocative. But it is amusing how often your more risqué materials feature 'threesomes'. It does explain why humans are so often fascinated by Andorian mating habits." Shras waved his hand dismissively. "I'd been sampling every kind of earth entertainment medium to try and get a handle on your specie's psychology. When Sarek asked for help understanding you I sent him a sampling. It wasn't porn, Amanda. There were a couple sex education videos but nothing with donkeys or medical fetishism. I promise. Can you imagine the look on his face if he thought you'd want to tie him up and..."

"Shras." Amanda hissed in warning. "I am not at all comforted this, you know." Amanda sighed and laid her head on the back of her chair. "I'm exhausted, Shras. Can you stop teasing me for just an hour? Please?"

"How did the funeral go?"

Amanda opened one eye and glared at him. "Oh, you mean dumping her body for the scavengers? Reasonably well. It's probably picked clean by now. It's my understanding that the Priestesses go out and collect the bones to bury in the desert somewhere."

Shras' antennae laid back. "I am sorry for your loss, Amanda. T-Sehl was a great woman. I had the honor of meeting her several times over the years."

"Now I'm supposed to just go on like it didn't happen!" Amanda sat up and sniffed, tears starting to prick at her eyes. "They all came back here and even her _daughter_ could only talk about my leaving for Sarek's. It's all anyone wants to discuss."

"Perhaps that is how they grieve." Shras moved forward and placed a cold hand on her knee. "Amanda, these _are_ Vulcans. They find it distasteful to display emotion publicly. Your situation is a welcome relief for them. It is something they can focus on that is outside their pain. I am sure they are all mourning now, out of your sight, out of everyone's sight."

"I just can't pretend it didn't happen." Amanda shook her head. "I can't just up and leave so soon."

"For them, life moves on at a faster pace." Shras smiled sadly. "For such a long lived race, Vulcans do not stop to ponder the nature of things. They are always moving towards something. They do not dwell, at least not on their actions. T-Sehl is gone and has been properly laid to rest. Now there is nothing else to do for her. They must go on to the next task. They will see to you. When they have done this, they will see to Sevok. Life moves forward. Duty continues."

He gently tugged on her until Amanda came off the chair to sit next to him on the sofa. "Now, how is my little pink friend handling things? Are you happy? Do I need to spirit you off world and hide you from the pointy ears?"

Amanda gave a watery chuckle. "I'm fine. I'm...not sure if I'm happy but I'm fine. It's still...a little fast. I'm sort of numb at that moment. It doesn't feel real. I haven't dealt with T-Sehl's death and..."

"And they move forward." Shras smiled gently and rubbed her shoulder trying to give some comfort. "I talked to your cousin Adam. He contacted me after you called him. We are working on the problem with Earth. They formally filed charges against you this morning and asked for your extradition. Of course, the Vulcan consulate has refused. Adam and I will monitor the situation and I'll let you know if anything else develops. For now, I want you to worry about getting to know that damned annoying Vulcan and settling in at the monstrously huge fortress of his."

Amanda snorted. "I haven't even given Earth much thought, not since T-Sehl took ill."

Shras growled lowly. "They wanted to question you. They had no idea you were with the Vulcans. They assumed you were at the Andorian Embassy here. I had to turn a team away this morning. When they turned the Vulcan Security Force for backup, the Vulcans informed them of your marriage to Sarek. They have already searched his home once despite his objections. The Vulcan Security Forces threatened to deport them if they tried it again. They are trying very hard to make an example of you, Amanda."

"Thanks for the warning."

"And the wedding present." Shras grinned again, his sharpened teeth glinting in the harsh Vulcan lightening. He reached into his tunic and took out a small hair comb in an embroidered case. "This is just in case." He snapped open the case and drew out the comb. "In the handle here," He pointed at a small gem, "is an emergency beacon. It's set to my private frequency. Its power cells run off bioelectric energy, so as long as you wear it once a week for a few hours it will stay charged. It's programmed to piggy back on any near by signal. If you need me, whether it's here on Vulcan or the middle of Klingon space, just press it. I will find you."

Amanda took the gift slowly. "It's lovely, but do you think I need this kind of protection? Can Sarek really be that dangerous during...."

Shras frowned and his antenna waved in agitation. "I do not know. But I do know the Vulcans fear this for a reason, Amanda. But more than that, I know there is something larger than your working for a foreign government causing this issue with Earth. There is a larger and more dangerous plot here than meets the eye or they would not risk a diplomatic incident. I do not like it and I do not think you are safe until we have answer."

Amanda's eyes grew wide. "You mean there's more to this than making an example of me?"

Shras nodded gravely. "Going outside the allocations system is not such a terrible crime, Amanda. And you are not the only one nor the most high profile or outspoken. If they wanted to make an example of someone there are far better candidates. And now that you have my protection and that of Vulcan you are not an easy target, but yet they continue. Something larger is taking place. Watch yourself."

"Does Sarek know about this?" Amanda asked, clutching the comb tightly.

Shras shook his head. "Sarek is not in the right state of mind to worry over this issue. He is too close to his Time. Any threat against you is likely to push him over the edge. That is why I snuck in here. I thought it best to warn you directly without risking Sarek's attention. I doubt whatever is going on is likely to come to a head in the next few months. By that time, Sarek will have gone through _pon farr_ and be in a position to think more logically."

"I don't like this, Shras."

"Nor do I, pink skin. Nor do I."


	20. Mortification

_A/N: Thank you for the unbelievable responses in reviews! You guys are the greatest.  
_

_For those of you who like Shras, I have to confess that he's not really an "original character". I'm just fleshing out his back story! For anyone interested, Google Shras Endilev. I've been waiting for someone to make the connection...._

_And hurray for my reviewer that picked up on the B5 psi scale. I just couldn't help it. Trek doesn't have a good system so I borrowed one._

* * *

Amanda picked up her mother's lava lamp and hugged it to her chest. This was it. The last of it. Everything else had been moved this morning. Now, it was only the lamp and Amanda that had to make their way to Sarek's.

Sevok was a ghost of himself, but he'd demanded to accompany them. His familiar presence meant quite a bit to Amanda, but she couldn't help but wish he'd followed his brother's advice and stayed in bed. T-Sehl's death had taken the life from him. Sevan and T-Lar assured her that Sevok would recover. The healers had repaired the damage done from his broken bond. Amanda wasn't so sure. The damage may be healed, but Sevok certainly wasn't.

Amanda walked slowly out of her rooms and caught Sevok's eye where he stood waiting for her in the common area. The house had returned to normal over night. All the extra guests had left, leaving behind only the normal inhabitants. Most of the adults had returned to work but many of the children were engaged in private studies and nearly all had lined up to wish her well. One by one she smiled and thanked them, calling each one by name. They'd all gotten to know her over the days when she'd acted as T-Lar's assistant, even if she only knew sparse facts about them. One little boy was actually crying, his little dark eyes scrunched up. He couldn't have been more than three and Amanda hardly knew him, only that he liked his soup in a cup rather than a bowl.

"He is picking up on the emotions of the others." T-Lar spoke quietly in her ear. "He feels that they do not wish to part with you and he is upset by this."

Amanda smiled softly and patted the boy on the head. "I'm hardly going far."

One of the older women nodded solemnly. "This is true, T-Amanda. But the you that leaves here will never return. The next we meet, you will be changed."

The other adults all nodded in agreement and Amanda felt the first sharp stab of fear.

"It would have been better if mother had been here to instruct you." T-Tesla murmured lowly. "She had given the instruction to many. It is unfortunate that T-Lar will have to do so for the first time with one who knows so little of our ways."

T-Lar shifted nervously and Amanda shook her head. "T-Lar and I have always managed to find a way to communicate despite our cultural differences. I trust her to do the same now. I doubt anyone could do better. I have valued her as a friend for many years, T-Tesla. She will not fail me."

"Your words honor me, T-Amanda." T-Lar spoke softly. "It is time we go. Sevok and Sevan will drive us. You and I, we have much to discuss."

T-Telsa held the door to the aircar open and Amanda sat down inside. The brothers got in up front and drew the privacy screen between the front and the back so that whatever T-Lar had to say would remain private.

Amanda watched T-Tesla and the house fade into the distance and turned to T-Lar with a questioning look.

"Tradition has it that the clan mother instructs the young females on their way to meet their mates." T-Lar began, not quite making eye contact. "This can either be during the male's time when she goes to answer him, or as we do now, when you go to him on your own terms. In either case there are things you must know."

"Such as?"

T-Lar turned to look Amanda squarely in the eye. "You have been patient with us, Amanda. We tell you there are dangers, we warn you. We ask you to choose. And you do not question us. You do not demand answers to things you know we find too private, too terrible to speak of. You do this knowing you will face them. It is time you know all that we hide." T-Lar turned away again and stared at the sand outside the window, the glass reflecting her pained expression.

"I am not T-Sehl and I do not have the words to tell you politely. In our many years of acquaintance I have come to know you value the plain spoken explanation. So I will tell you what I have experienced, my friend, rather than the customary tangled verses.

"I do not know if it is always this way, or if for some it is easier. I have heard that for a few, it is even harder." T-Lar took a deep breath. "You were on Vulcan when I was first bonded to Sevan. You know that I choose to go to him as you do, prior to his Time. It was...awkward. He had experience, I none. Even though it would be years before his next fires, when we...mated, I could feel them just below the surface. They frightened me. But he was in control and he did not hurt me. I knew that to ease our way in the future I must face my fears. So I remained with him. I went to him when he asked and even a handful of times on my own." T-Lar paused. "It was not enough."

Amanda swallowed thickly. "What happened? I did the math, T-Lar. Those three weeks when I couldn't get a hold of you, after I left Vulcan. That was when...?"

"Yes. I took some time to recover from my injuries." T-Lar hung her head. "We did not expect there to be...problems. When his Time came, I thought I was prepared." T-Lar shook her head. "You cannot be prepared, Amanda. You cannot know what it is like until you have lived it." T-Lar shifted so she was fully facing the window, her back to Amanda as if she couldn't say the words towards another living being.

"They take you to the ritual site, much like the one we gave T-Sehl too. You can feel his burning in your mind and it is terrifying and .... it pulls you. You want to run but you do not know if you will run away or to it. Like an Earth moth to a flame, you are drawn to it. You can feel his revulsion, his shame at what he is becoming, what he wants to do, will do to you. You can feel each layer of what he is being stripped away. And you can do nothing. You care for the man that is becoming lost to this...to this... this _thing _against his will and you can do _nothing_ to stop it. And during all this they take you to the mountains and the rocks and they make you choose.

"You can end it. You can choose a champion or choose him, but either way you will be lost. You become chattel to the champion and to him....to him you become nothing. For a time." T-Lar drew a shaky breath and Amanda couldn't bring herself to interrupt.

"When it is done, when you have chosen him, it gets worse. By this time he is deep in the blood fevers and it is only the males of his family that keep him from taking you in the sands, where all can see. This has happened before and the fear of it is...very real. They take you to one of the caves and the Priestesses strip you. In the ancient times, they took your braids and fastened them to a hook in the back wall so you could not run. That is why so many wear their hair sheared now, as a form of rebellion against what we all are, what every Vulcan female must endure. In some ways, I think it would have been easier if they had bound me so. At least then I would not have had to stay of my own will.

"It is dark in the caves. You can only hear your own breathing until suddenly you are aware. He is there. In the dark. Somewhere. You can feel the fires in him, the flames licking up at you from your mind. They are hungry and they wish only to consume. You think of running, but where will you go? They have taken your clothing and you are naked, shamed in the heart of the sacred mountains and it is your husband that is hunting you.

"That wait is the hardest part. Knowing he will find you. That the cave is small and carved for this purpose. There is nowhere to go. You know that hundreds, thousands of others have lived through this in the very spot where you cower. You know that some have died.

"Then he's on you. From nowhere. You are pinned in the sand and he's in your mind, in your body. You can't help but fight. It does no good, only brings the fires to a higher pitch. You can find nothing of your husband in the creature that is raping you. The bond you share is nothing but the flames now and you scream and no one comes."

T-Lar turned back around abruptly to face Amanda, the Vulcan's eyes pained. "And it goes on for days. There are horrible moments of clarity. When you find water and food together. Where you must tell him it is all right, that you understand why he must do this. Where you must _comfort him_, where you must _forgive him_. And the moments never last. You dare not turn your back even to relieve yourself or he could be on you again without warning. By the time it is over you are broken. You have even ceased begging for it to end. You can only remind yourself that it is not _really_ your husband doing this. That the man you are bonded to would _never_ hurt you like this of his own will. And you know, deep within you, that this is a lie. A part of him always wants you like this, under him in the dirt, crying and sobbing and clawing for freedom and too weak to achieve it. You _know_ that there is a primal part of him there, waiting, wanting, and no matter how civilized, how _logical_ he is, there is still that part.

"They come and get you both. They clean you and dress you and transport you back to your home and leave you. All without a word. We are taught never to speak of this. Not even to our parents or our siblings. Or even each other. You must continue to live with each other, day in and day out. Knowing what he is capable of, you still share a bed with him. And every time you meld, _every time_ he asks for you between the fires, you can feel it. The animal within him, clawing to get out and have you again. Every time you must face the lie and every time you must trick yourself into believing it in order to go on. And you are never sure who you feel more sorry for, him or yourself. You know he hates it as much as you do, but that does little to make it _better_."

T-Lar closed her eyes. "Thatis what you face, Amanda."

Amanda swallowed thickly. "Do you...get use to it?"

"I have not." T-Lar shivered. "I care deeply for Sevan, Amanda. But there is a part of him I fear. I will always fear. I am so trusted, so loyal, because I go to him of my own will despite this. I go because the hint of the monster is better than the full weight of it. The more I feed it now, when it is caged, the less violent it is when released. I go because I know Sevan would give anything for me not to fear him. And I go because...he does not ask." She turned to her friend and gave a small sad Vulcan smile. "Amanda, he is ashamed that he desires me outside the times but we both know that is necessary. That without the contact the fires would be worse. I cannot imagine how terrible they would be if we did not."

"So you're warning me to...keep the beast fed?"

"In a manner of speaking." T-Lar looked back out the window briefly. "We are almost there. Amanda," She turned back, "It is not our way to talk of these things, but you are not Vulcan. If you need to talk..."

"I'll call you." Amanda laid a reassuring hand on her friend's arm. "I promise. And if you need to talk, I'm here for you. Day or night, got it?"

T-Lar shook her head. "You are a brave woman, Amanda of Earth, to face this when it is not required of you by birth and nature. Brave or stupid."


	21. Inquisitive

_A/N: There has been a lot review speculation about my take on pon farr. Let me say this, I'm coming at the issue from a historical and cultural perspective. As the story plays out more will be explained about the development and effect of the Time and how it has shaped Vulcan culture. All I can say is, you'll find out as Amanda does. If I tell you ahead of time it would be cheating. She doesn't get that advantage now does she? Evil Smirk._

* * *

Sarek was watching her. Amanda could feel his eyes on her as she moved through her new quarters slowly, taking it in. Sevok had escorted her to the common area and Sarek had met them. There had been a brief exchange of ritualized words, all in ancient Vulcan. Then Sevok was gone and Sarek was leading her here.

Sarek's position within the clan afforded him and his mate a larger set of rooms near the top of the fortress center in the oldest part of the building. Amanda could practically feel the history seeping through the walls.

The first room was simple. There was a modern dataport and comfortable seating spread about. It was clearly intended to act as a receiving room for company. Behind it, there was a small modernly appointed bathroom and through it a large bedroom.

It was obvious that Sarek had made extensive changes in the last few weeks. For starters, there was an Earth style bed in the center of the room, complete with fluffy pillows and a bed-skirt. Amanda had spent enough time on Vulcan to know that such things weren't very practical here and were unlikely to ever catch on. The only reason for it to be there was for her. Sarek would surely have preferred the harder more traditional sleeping mats that dominated Vulcan. And the color on the walls wasn't the usual range of taupe and reds she'd grown accustomed to seeing, instead they were all in various shades of blue and yellow. Sevok had obviously told Sarek what colors she'd kept in her apartment. And if she wasn't mistaken, her curtains, that Sevok had brought from Earth and hung for her, were once again hanging from a Vulcan curtain rod.

The rest of the bedroom was taken up by large wooden cabinets that were obviously original. Their handles were warn from use and time and the hinges squeaked when she opened one. Inside she found most of her clothing put away neatly. It seemed that whoever had done it had paid attention to how she'd packed it. Most of the things hanging needed to be and the majority of what was folded could stay that way. It wasn't how Amanda would have put things away, but it was workable. Amanda closed the door to the wardrobe softly and moved away from it to glance to her right and to another door.

"Your private room is through there." Sarek spoke softly. "Mine is on the opposite side."

Amanda nodded and opened the door cautiously. The room was mostly empty except for a small daybed to one side and a modern desk and dataport in the center. The wall opposite the door was covered in book shelves and someone had taken the time to unpack her collection and had arranged it neatly. There was enough empty space that for once Amanda was going to be able to actually establish some kind of order to the chaos.

She walked fully into the room and turned around in a circle, trying to get her bearings. The walls here were a shade of green that reminded her of grass and the bed coverings were done in matching earth tones. It wasn't a color scheme Sarek would have felt comfortable having in the main areas, to close to Vulcan 'blood green', but it did remind Amanda of home. She appreciated it immediately. There was a window behind the daybed that looked out onto the courtyard and a small alcove stood empty in the corner.

"I did not know what to do with the meditation place." Sarek said softly. "Sevok said you did not normally meditate, but that you had something of your mother's that you had placed in the one in your former rooms." He trailed off and Amanda realized she was still clutching her mother's lamp like a lifeline.

Amanda blushed slightly and held the lamp out. "It's not exactly for meditation, and I never liked it, but since all this started...I needed a bit of home. Mom had a way of turning this on when she was stressed. She liked how it reflected light."

Sarek gently took the lamp from her and inspected it. Silently, he fitted the plug with an adaptor and placed it in the alcove, running a cord to the power source further down the wall. "I think," He began hesitantly, "that in some ways it must be therapeutic for you or you would not have it with you know."

Amanda moved to stand next to him. "I guess. Regardless, it does look nice there. We can always move it later if we want."

Sarek shook his head. "This is your room, Amanda. I am only in here now to show you the dataport and to answer any questions you may have. I will not enter here again unless you expressly ask me to. In Vulcan culture it is traditional that wives of rank have a private place to retreat to." Sarek gestured to the bed and then to a row of locks Amanda hadn't even been aware of on the door. "When you are in here, I will not bother you. There is even a small food elevator in the wall that connects to the kitchens. It is old, but servable. And there is a small lavatory behind that curtain."

Amanda's eye widened. "Do...do the wives usually spend a lot of time in here?"

"Some." Sarek turned and walked out of the room quickly. "In modern times it is more common for the wives to return to their own families if they are...not content. I know that Sevok and T-Lar would welcome you if that was the case, but seeing as you are so far from your real family, I thought it appropriate to insure that you had access to the old protections. I had the lavatory updated..."

"Sarek," Amanda put a tentative hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, but I don't plan to need a bolt hole. How about we call it my office? It sounds better."

Sarek looked at her and raised his eyebrow. "Your office? I suppose that would be...acceptable." he pointed to his own private room. "The other 'office' is equipped mostly for mediation. In most households it would serve as a nursery were it necessary. Otherwise it functions as storage space and a quiet area. I keep separate working rooms on a lower floor. If you require similar space for more public meetings it can be arranged. It is customary that guests do not enter the private chambers beyond the front sitting room."

"I know. I've been living in the single person version of this for a while. Only it wasn't quite this...nice." Amanda bit her lip and tried to think of how to word her next question.

"What is it, Amanda?" Sarek asked. "I can feel your apprehension. What is it you are hesitant to ask?"

"Did you live here before? With..." Amanda snorted. "God, I can't even get the question out."

Sarek's mouth twitched slightly and he brushed a strand of her hair back away from her face. "No, I did not. I selected and prepared these rooms with you in mind, Amanda. I have not yet spent the night in them. If you do not like them there are several other suites empty but they would require minor updates."

Amanda nodded and hugged herself. "So, is that why it's not so hot in here and why the color scheme isn't the typical Vulcan?"

Sarek nodded and took a step back. "Correct. I had the environmental controls set to 80 of your degrees. It is a bit warm for you, I suspect, but it is a tolerable temperature for me without having to resort to biocontrols. Will this be acceptable or do you wish for me to lower it?"

"Any colder and you'll need long underwear in your own bedroom." Amanda smiled and tried to relax. "I can adjust to this. It's a dry heat."

"That is good." Sarek shifted uncomfortably. "I had the sonic unit in the bathroom upgraded to provide you with a water shower. The water will be recycled into the irrigation system for the garden."

Amanda nodded and went to take a good look out the window. The inner courtyard gardens on the ancestral homes were usually lifeless during the day but maybe she could catch a hint of what it would look like at night. What she found made her gasp. "Roses! Sarek, there are roses down there!"

"Yes." His hand rested lightly on her shoulder and Amanda shivered as he leaned over her to look out. "I had several transplanted here from the Earth Embassy and your cousin was gracious enough to offer me starts from a few of your mother's plants. Shras said you liked them."

"How did you get them to grow here!"

"The courtyard is enclosed and has separate irrigation systems for different quadrants. The roses do not seem to mind the heat as long as they are provided with additional water and the sunlight is filtered."

Amanda turned around and smiled. "Yes, but that has to seem like a waste of resources to you."

Sarek frowned slightly and reached his hand up to cup her cheek. "Not a waste." His thumb traced the edge of her mouth. "Never a waste."

Amanda's breath caught in her throat. "Sarek..."

He pulled back sharply and seemed to collect himself. "Do you wish to see the rest of the house?"

Amanda sat down heavily on the edge of the bed and tried to catch her breath. "Not at the moment." She shook her head. "Every time you touch me like that I get...light headed."

Sarek nodded. "The bond is projecting my...desires. My apologies."

"Don't." Amanda shook her head again. "I'm just not use to feeling someone else's emotions. It's...a lot to get use to. Can you feel me like that?"

"More." Sarek sat down slowly next to her as if afraid she would bolt. "I can feel that you are frightened, Amanda. I can feel you are worried. I cannot tell your actual thoughts, that would require a meld, but I can sense your general emotions."

"What happens after we...?" Amanda asked softly.

"The bond will grow stronger. You will be able to sense me more clearly. I will be able to feel you over greater distances and will be able to pick up any particularly strong thoughts you direct at me." Sarek frowned. "I will only be able to tell what you are thinking if we are melded. You need not worry that I will read your every thought. Privacy is very important to Vulcans, Amanda."

"I know. I just...this is new and nobody gave me an instruction manual." Amanda laughed softly than froze. "Oh, god. I forgot about your son. What does he think about all this? I haven't even met him!"

Sarek sighed and looked away. "Sybok is not pleased. He is upset and believes I seek to replace his mother. My logic has failed to persuade him that this is not the case. It is fortunate that he has chosen to attend a school several hours aircar ride from here. He lives with his mother's family and only returns here occasionally. He will not cause you problems."

"Oh Sarek," Amanda put a hand on his arm. "You must miss him terribly."

"That is irrelevant. He wishes to pursue the path of a mind healer. His psi ability is considerable and this is a wise course for him. Becoming a healer is best accomplished with his mother's family and the school he now attends. Were she living it is likely Sybok would still have been separated from me." Sarek moved to take her hand. "When things are more...settled here, I will take you to meet him. I would prefer if we did so after...after my Time. I do not wish Sybok, or my late wife's family, to be able to question your loyalty. It will be easier on you to face them when there is evidence of what I know to be true."

"Of course." Amanda gripped his hand. "So, now what?"

"I do not know."

They sat there for several minutes before Amanda couldn't take it anymore. "Good God, we're sitting here like two clueless teenage virgins!"

A brief flicker of a smile passed over his face. "I must confess that I have not been this...uneasy in many years."

Amanda chuckled. "What's wrong with us? This is as close to a honeymoon as I'm going to get and all I can bring myself to do is hold your hand. I know T-Lar was trying to help, but she's got me so rattled I can't bring myself to even think of anything intimate."

"This," Sarek raised their joined hands, "is considered intimate contact by Vulcan standards." Sarek hesitated. "I am unsure how you wish to proceed. A Vulcan woman would have spent the rest of the day in her room meditating and only come to me this evening if I had insisted. In all likelihood it would have been weeks until we reached this stage."

Amanda frowned. "Do you want me to go away? Am I taking this too fast?"

"No!" Sarek's swift and vehement answer made Amanda relax slightly. "No," he said again, this time his voice considerably calmer. "No I do not. What I wish is...not something a Vulcan female would consent to so soon. That does not mean I wish to proceed any slower, only that I desire for you to set our pace."

Amanda raised her eyebrow. "Than it's a good thing I'm not Vulcan."

Sarek eyed her carefully and Amanda started to grow nervous again as he remained motionless. Finally, he broke the silence with a hesitant question. "Amanda, what do I do? What do you _want_ me to do?"

"Do?" Amanda moved her hand until it was lined up palm to palm with his. Sarek hissed and Amanda took a moment to process the emotions she was catching through the bond and the contact with his hand. "You really don't know, do you?"

Sarek shook his head. "Shras' material was remarkably unhelpful in this department. The behavior of the women in the videos was highly unbelievable."

"What would you do if I was Vulcan and sitting here like this?" Amanda asked softly. "I'm as clueless about your side of things as you are about mine."

Sarek swallowed. "I would ask to meld with you, to know your thoughts and you mine. It is generally the first step to greater intimacy."

Amanda smiled softly. "So why don't we start with that?"

Sarek's breathing picked up. "It will take the majority of the afternoon. This will be our first meld and it is likely to be overwhelming for you. You've had no training and the bond is still young and immature between us."

"We've got to do it at some point, right?" Amanda smiled nervously. "Look, I'm the 'pull the Band-Aid off quickly' kinda gal. If it scares me, than I'd rather run headlong than drag my feet. The sooner we get through this the faster I can put an end to my irrational fears."

"What if they are not irrational?" Sarek asked softly.

Amanda shrugged. "Than the sooner I can find that out too. Look, I'm not Vulcan. I'm not going to respond to things like you are use to. And you aren't human. I'm not sure what to expect out of you either. We're going to shock and surprise one another a lot in the next few months. But this..." Amanda pointed behind her at the bed. "This is hanging like Damocles' sword over our heads and I for one would like to start separating myth from reality. Delaying it will only make you suffer, bring your Time faster, and drive me to insanity with worrying and fretting and generally letting myself get freaked out."

Sarek fidgeted. "But I do not know how to please you. My experiences have only been with Vulcan women and they do not...care for such activities. The meld is the primary source of enjoyment for them, and never this close to the Time. You are likely to be shocked by what you find in my mind. It will not be a typical meld and I will not be able to share with you as I normally would."

"I've been warned." Amanda said darkly. "Believe me, I've been warned. And I have a lot of questions about it, but right now I think a little research is in order. I don't have centuries of engrained fear dictating my reactions. And despite T-Lar and everyone else trying to instill it in me, I have my doubts. I'd like to experience it myself before I draw my conclusions."

Sarek raised a hand to her face gently. "Spoken like a scientist." He traced her jaw with the back of his index finger and Amanda's breath hitched. "You are correct, we cannot know how you will react to my Time. There are some Vulcan women that do not fear it. There is a very small number that claim to...find pleasure in it. But they are the minority."

"Maybe it's an attitude?" Amanda asked softly, leaning into his touch. "I mean, from what I've been told the rituals surrounding it sound worse than the actual mating. Maybe if the culture didn't fear it so much, didn't try to hide it and weren't so ashamed, it wouldn't be quite as bad."

Sarek's eyes darkened. "Perhaps. We could experiment. It would be...advisable for us to know the other prior to the worst of Time. I am close enough at this point that you are likely to experience a certain measure of the full event."

Amanda licked her lips. "Why don't we start with the meld? We can decide what to do from that point."

Amanda sucked in a sharp breath at the predatory smile that tilted up the corner of Sarek's mouth. "As you wish."

Sarek's hand moved to her psi points before he hesitated. "Are you sure? I am still unstable. I may not be able to pull out of the meld if you wish to stop. Things may progress further and faster than you wish. It is quite possible that I will not be able to stop until we have physically joined. I am dangerously close to the Time, Amanda. I am not sure of my control."

"Are you likely to gain more control if we wait?"

Sarek's eyes met hers and she could sense his shame. "No."

"Than why prolong the inevitable?" Amanda smiled softly and raised her free hand to the one touching her face. "I trust you, Sarek. The danger now is less than it will be in a day or a week. We need to do this. Any further delay would not be logical."

Sarek closed his eyes. "May I keep that trust, _ak-adun'a_." He eyes opened and locked with hers.

Amanda gasped as the bond flared to life between and she fell into fire.


	22. Confrontational

_A/N: If you have trouble believing an advanced society could be this backward, let me introduce you to a strict creationist or some of the kids I went to middle school with whose parents tried to convince them that sex before marriage made body parts fall off and that ease-dropping on the sex education class was sure to send them to hell._ _The world is full of examples of societies with social hang ups. Thank God for Alfred Kinsey._ _I say that not only as IU graduate, but from the depth of my very very odd soul. It wasn't so long ago that some married couples in this country spent years without consummation because they were frightened and misinformed. There are still are examples._ _Need I mention 'female hysteria'?_

* * *

Amanda could feel it, the terrible unending desire, and it was almost enough to take her under. She could feel Sarek's surprise at the ferocity of his reaction to the meld. He was fighting wave after wave of searing desire, but like molten lava he would clear a path and it would simply ooze back in to fill the void. The meld was like nothing Amanda had ever experienced and despite the raging inferno of _need_ around her, she knew she had to hold on. If they both got dragged under things really would escalate beyond where she wanted to take them.

It was obvious Sarek wasn't going to be strong enough to battle down the flames alone, so Amanda did the only thing she could and threw herself into them, fighting down her own desire as each flame licked at her mind and tried to insinuate itself into her consciousness. The core of what was Sarek was fighting his own battle and it took nearly everything Amanda had to make her way through the furnace and to the part of his mind that wasn't enveloped in the rising _pon farr_.

Amanda followed the thin mental line of their bond until she felt Sarek's presence around her. Amanda had no experience in the mental arts, apart from a few books she'd read while on Vulcan during her studies, but she had to do something. Sarek wasn't responding to her mental presence and it seemed his fears about the meld were well founded. He was getting lost in his drive. So far, the battle seemed to be entirely mental, but Amanda could feel how close he was to taking it to the physical plain. And Amanda knew he'd never forgive himself if he did.

Amanda could feel the heat of his fingers on her psi points and used the contact to ground herself. _Alright, I need a plan._ She thought. _Vulcans think about the pon farr in terms of fire. It's a fever that burns off rational thought. How do I fight a fever, a fire? _

Wildfires use to rage across the west coast when she was a girl. The firefighters had tried to do controlled burns and use fire suppression chemicals, but none of it had worked. This certainly felt like she was in the middle of an uncontrolled wildfire. If she continued the analogy, T-Lar's 'feeding the beast' was a controlled burn and Sarek's meditations could be considered a suppression technique. But like with the wildfires back home evidently neither was enough. The only thing that had worked to contain the wildfires was a massive force field that had been erected around the homes of some of the more wealthy in the hills. The fire had raged outside it, and while the temperatures had gotten extreme inside the field, the homes had survived.

_Think force field. Think shielding..._ Amanda tried to picture the force field from her youth, stretching it up and around her own mind and the part of Sarek that wasn't already lost in the flames. She kept trying to visualize it, pushing it out and around and out and around like tracing a design.

It was exhausting and she could still feel the terrible _need_ eating at her. Her own desire was being teased and tempted and if it wasn't for Sarek's fear she'd have just given in. She was breathing hard and her head had fallen forward to touch Sarek's by the time she felt his mind begin to respond.

Sarek pulled back from her mind in a rush, his fingers leaving heated indentations on her temple. She raised her head to find him staring at her in shock.

"How did you do that?" Sarek's voice was hoarse. "How did you stop me? I couldn't control the meld. Another moment and I would have been lost to the mating cycle early."

Amanda took a shaky breath and tried to bring her heart rate back under control. "That was _early_? What the hell does it feel like when it's actually here? I couldn't think straight!"

Sarek shook his head. "I should have been in better control. I'm sorry we even attempted it. I was in error. We should not risk prior contact." He made to get up but Amanda grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.

"Now wait just one damn minute." Amanda glared. "I deserve an explanation. I knew the meld was risky, but you have to do that in order to have sex. _That_ I remember quite clearly from the biology book I got my hands on. No mental contact, no hanky panky. So one way or another we've got to do it and I'd rather it be here, now, than in two months. That was intense, and if it gets worse I'm going to need to figure out how to deal with it."

"Amanda, you _calmed_ the fires." Sarek shook his head in wonder. "I haven't felt this composed for over a month. Somehow you've...adjusted the biological drive. I've never heard of anything like this happening. Normally a female would just...drown in the flames until the male was able to bring them under control or they were sated. You...did something."

Amanda shrugged. "I just tried to give you some room to breath. Once you figured out what was going on you ended the meld, not me."

"I..." Sarek took a shaky breath. "I do not know what to say."

Amanda frowned. "Is there some book on this I should read? I mean, you guys study _everything_. Isn't there some sort of scientific treatise on the phenomena?"

Sarek looked scandalized. "Amanda, no one studies this! That would be unthinkable."

Amanda raised her eyebrow. "Than how do you know anything about it? I mean, nobody talks about it. If there hasn't been any scientific inquiries into it, how do you know you couldn't just...I don't know, pop a pill or something? There's got to be a biological trigger. Didn't somebody tell me that if your mate is injured or ill the bond will prevent the mating drive or lessen it? If that's the case, than there has to be a hormonal or biochemical response tied into your emotions or subconscious."

Sarek looked ill. "Amanda, we _**do not**__ discuss this_."

"Well it's high time you did." Amanda crossed her arms and glared. "Look, I'm not going to start taking a survey, but if we're gonna make this thing between us work, you are going to have to talk to me. Even about this. I didn't push before. I was patient. I figured you'd eventually have to talk to me. You'll talk to me about plain old sex, why not _pon farr_ sex."

"Because it's too horrible!" Sarek exclaimed and started pacing, his embarrassment washing over Amanda like the flames had earlier. "If I had better control this would not be happening."

Amanda snorted. "So, is there some cult of ultra-logical Vulcan males that are immune?"

"No." Sarek shivered. "Even the kolinahr masters experience the fires, but they are able to resist."

"I bet they don't do that unless they have to." Amanda shivered. "I was only in your head for what, a few minutes? You've been feeling that for how long?"

"It has been building for several months. I have been able to control it until now. The...feeling of sharing my mind with you was too much for my control. I let the fever start to take me early." Sarek's head dipped. "I am sorry, Amanda. I betrayed your trust."

Amanda stood up and blocked his path. "No, you didn't." She reached up and forced his chin to raise. "You silly Vulcan, you didn't do anything _wrong_. If you'd told me it was this bad we could have acted on this months ago. I thought we had more time till it started."

Sarek's eyes flickered closed. "It takes approximately six months to build up to the actual blood fever. It does not simply _start_."

Amanda took his hands and lead him back to the bed. He sat down stiffly and she sighed. "So, what happens if you don't ignore it?"

Sarek opened his eyes and looked at her questioningly. "I do not understand."

Amanda bit her lip. "Both you and T-Lar have expressed how important it is to mate outside the Time. You both seem to think it lessens the affect. But you're acting like you can't handle doing that, and the Time is still two months off. If it takes six months to build, why doesn't mating during that time lessen it?"

Sarek's eyes scrunched in confusion. "I only suggest we do so to stabilize the bond. I have told you how dangerous it is this close to the _pon farr_. I have little control left and we could easily find ourselves in the throws of the fever early."

"I don't understand." Amanda frowned. "You mate outside the cycle to help control it, but not during the months just prior? Wouldn't that be the time when it would likely have the greatest affect?"

"But it has the greatest danger. It is not advisable except in extreme cases."

Amanda shook her head. "What's the danger? Why is such a risk to start the process early?"

Sarek looked perplexed. "You felt it. You felt me loosing control. That is the danger."

"Yeah, but that's going to happen no matter what." Amanda shrugged. "If that was a mild version of what it will be like when you're fully into _pon farr _you can't expect to maintain control during the actual thing. Hell, _I _won't be in control. One second of feeling that and I'm going to be jumping _you _like a crazed baboon."

"It is better that you only experience my loss of control once every seven years, Amanda. You would not wish to endure it countless times in the months leading up." Sarek shivered. "T-Lar must not have instructed you fully."

"Oh I got a good eye witness account." Amanda let go of his hands and turned to the side, resting her chin on her palm, her fingers curled up to her mouth. She chewed on her fingernail as she tried to think how to phrase her next question. "So, there's no hard scientific evidence, only anecdotal."

Sarek nodded. "That is correct."

"But you don't talk about it. Not even with your mate. The only time anybody even discusses it is to warn the younger generation and then it's only with sparse information."

Sarek blinked. "Correct."

Amanda turned to stare at him. "So let me get this straight. You don't have any science to explain it, the only evidence you have is through word of mouth, but _nobody talks about it_. Where do you get your information? How do you _know_ that contact prior too, but not in the months leading up, will lessen the fires? Who told you that? How did they find out? Did they try different methods? Did they experiment? What, _exactly,_ happens if you trigger it early? Does it last longer? Does it not go away until the specified time meaning you have to keep repeating the mating? Or does it just run its course a little faster?"

Sarek frowned. "I...do not know. My father explained the Time to me when I was very young. I was told to be alert for the early signs. When I came of age my first wife and I did as we were told and strengthened the bond in preparation. When the signs first appeared, my father insured my mate was available and we waited until the fires were at their highest and then met at the appointed place. It was done as it has always been done."

"Umhum." Amanda raised an eyebrow. "So, have you _ever_ had sex while the _pon farr _ was building?"

Sarek fidgeted. "No."

"So you have no real idea what will happen?"

"Amanda," Sarek frowned. "You look positively...gleeful. What are you contemplating?"

Amanda couldn't help but laugh as she jumped to her feet. "Oh this is too ironic." She covered her mouth as she let loose a relieved and heartfelt chuckle. "It would be hilarious if it wasn't so damn _sad."_

"Amanda? Do you require a healer? I believe the meld has affected your mind."

"You really don't see it do you?" Amanda shook her head in disbelief. "Sarek, you've been so blinded by the fear and the propaganda you just don't get it."

Sarek's face was scrunched in confusion and Amanda couldn't help but take it in her hands as she leaned down to rest her forehead on his. "Oh my silly, silly Vulcan. You. Are. Making. It. Worse."

Sarek blinked at her and Amanda sat down facing him on the bed, drawing her knees up indian style. "I know this topic makes you uncomfortable, and that you've been taught _never_ to discuss it, but see if you can follow me for just one second. Indulge your human wife in her academic endeavor." Amanda held her hand up and started ticking off points on her fingers. "Stop me if you think I'm wrong about something"

"Fact number one: There is no scientific proof of the affect prior sex has on the _biological _components of _pon farr_." Amanda raised her eyebrow in question and when Sarek didn't say anything she moved on.

"Fact number two: There _is_ anecdotal evidence that prior sexual contact lessens the psychological impact of the fires but there seems to be debate on the _biological_ affects.

"Fact number three: The mental bond can affect _pon farr_, lessening it if the female partner is weak for any reason. There also seems to be a correlation between the strength of the bond and the female's experience. The stronger the bond, the easier it is for _her_ during the Time. Is it fair to say that this is likely a psychological phenomena? Since the bond is mental and conveys _emotion_ as well as thought, might it not also indicate the depth of emotional attachment between partners?"

Sarek frowned. "That is generally considered to be true. There _has_ been study of the marriage bond itself. The evidence does seem to indicate a direct correlation between the strength of the bond and the affection felt between partners."

"Ah ha." Amanda smiled triumphantly. "So far so good. Now, fact number four: the current form of marriage bonding and the practice of childhood bonding was developed to give females some control over the process and to abolish the practice of adopting rival clan members against their will. It also affords the male some security since it is assumed that bonding so young will lead to the creation of affection and attachment between the partners and thus a stronger bond. If this happens, the female will go willing to the male when the time comes."

Sarek nodded.

"Good. Now, knowing all that, would you be comfortable saying that the stronger the bond the easier _pon farr_ is on both parties?" Amanda asked.

"That would seem...logical." Sarek agreed.

"Alright," Amanda nodded. "We've established the role of the bond. Now, onto the uncomfortable part. We know that psychologically sex helps to build a stronger bond. That wouldn't be the case if the women are biologically programmed to fear sex. So if the fear isn't _biological_ it's got to be _psychological_."

"But Amanda, you know the stories..."

Amanda cut him off. "I know _some_ stories. Not everyone's experiences are the same. I've heard the horror stories but I have also seen shining examples of happily married Vulcans. Don't tell me T-Sehl feared Sevok. I never saw even a hint of fear in her eyes and I'm a practically a professional Vulcan-reader. Now, if the fear isn't ingrained, where does it come from?"

Sarek shook his head. "I do not know."

"_From the stories_." Amanda grinned. "Don't you see, your culture has built up this mystic around the Times. You hide them behind frightening rituals that date back to times unmemorable. You don't' even know how most of them started. You just do them. Why wait till it reaches its peak and then hunt down your wife in the dark when you're half mad? Why not meet willingly before it gets that bad? What would happen if you did?"

Sarek eyebrows both rose. "I do not know. It is not done."

"I have a theory." Amanda let out a long breath. "You avoid contact with your mate in the months leading up to the _pon farr_ because you are afraid of losing control and she is afraid of feeling you loss it and everybody is positively mortified by the entire idea of what's coming. The meld becomes frightening because she can feel you building up to it and knows you are scared and embarrassed. Your entire culture tells you both to be frightened and ashamed and so you try to hide it. You spend all your energy fighting it until you can't. And you go mad.

"But what if you didn't fight it? What if you take away the fear? You said some Vulcan women enjoy the Time. Why? They must have a reason and it can't be because they like having their hair chained to a wall so they can be repeatedly raped by a man they can hardly recognize while their mind is set on fire."

Sarek flinched. "I see that T-Lar did in fact instruct you."

Amanda ignored him. "Sarek, _think_ about it for a minute. Use that vaulted logic of yours. This is a _mating drive_. If it was always as bad as the stories, as bad as T-Lar says, than evolution would have worked out a new way of doing things. What if it's become twisted? What if all the rituals and legends have served only to make it worse?"

"Why would the ancient priestesses have instated the rituals if this would be the result?"

"They didn't realize it would be." Amanda frowned. "They wanted to give women power. So they construct the marriage/challenge ritual. In order for that to work, the men have to be pretty far into _pon farr_ or they'd just go an find somebody else, fixation or not. It is a biological drive and so long as they weren't bonded there'd be that option - especially since most marriages are arranged for political advantage with neither party being well aquatinted. So in order for the system to work, they'd have to be in the very throws of it. The priestesses probably started the whole 'don't get it on until you have to' thing to keep the men showing up and insure that by the time they got there they'd be out of options." Amanda's smile faltered. "But that doesn't' explain the cave bit. That's the really sadistic part."

"It predates the rest of the ritual." Sarek frowned. "As I understand it, legend has it that the family of the afflicted would acquire a suitable female, normally against her will, and bind her so she could not escape. Since the result of the mating would be a mental bond and usually a pregnancy, she would be 'ruined' for another unless there was a healer strong enough to break the mental bond. The custom persisted until the childhood bonds were instated at which point the binding ended but the seclusion remains."

"How very caveman." Amanda pursed her lips. "So, does any of this help explain my plan?"

Sarek eyed her with distrust. "You believe that the ancient priestesses who began our current mating ritual wanted the males to be out of control in order to facilitate the possibility of challenge without risking another female. You want to see if mating in the weeks directly prior to my Time lessens the affect."

Amanda couldn't help but smirk. "Oh Sarek, you're thinking quite small." She leaned forward. "I want to see if we can _end it early_."


	23. Resolute

The expression on Sarek's face was priceless. Amanda was certain that Shras would have paid a king's ransom for a picture of the stoic Vulcan ambassador dumb struck.

"Amanda," Sarek finally managed to choke out, "do you think that is wise? This is pure conjecture on your part about a species of which you are not a member. What if you are wrong?"

Amanda leaned back and regarded her near husband carefully. "I'm not sure I have a lot to lose. According to everyone I've talked to the experience of the ritualized _pon farr_ is not pleasant. In fact, it's brutal. And it's even worse if there isn't a strong bond between partners. We don't have a lot of options here." Amanda frowned. "Ideally, if you'd fixated on me without the cycle starting up _years_ early, we could have taken this slowly. I could have gotten to know you. We could have melded a few times. Than, when we were ready, we could have taken our time becoming physically intimate. But it didn't happen that way. Your bond to your last wife was broken and you fixated on me without my knowing it. We wasted precious time dancing around the issue, and then your cycle kicked it into high gear out of shear frustration I imagine. Had we done the lesser bond last year, we might even have avoided this. But we didn't."

"I did not want to ask this of you. I sent you away." Sarek sighed and looked away. "I asked Shras to take you on at the Andorian embassy so that you would be safe from this."

"Look, pointing fingers isn't going to help." Amanda smiled softly. "It doesn't matter whose fault it is we waited, all that matters now is that we did. Between your broken bond, my human behavior taunting you, and your unrequited fixation on me, your mating drive got launched into hyperspace. We can't do this the normal way. We can't ease into the bond and let it strengthen before the Time. So we've got two options."

"We consummate the bond and take our chances on the outcome or we wait and go into the normal _pon farr_ ritual without a proper bond." Sarek finished and shook his head. "I do not know what to do. I had thought my control was strong enough to allow us to meld and become physically intimate without the fires overwhelming me. We have proven that is not the case."

"Right. So that still leaves us with the same two options. It's not ideal, but it's what we've got to work with."

Sarek sighed heavily. "I wish my father were living. I could have conceivably asked him for advice but now that he has passed there is no male I can approach with such a matter. Had T-Sehl lived even a week longer you could have sought her out. But T-Lar does not have the years of experience necessary to assist."

Amanda frowned. "What about your family? Can I approach anyone on your side? T-Lar did just take over as matriarch. Isn't there some sort of precedent for coaching from the in-laws when there's no one suitable on the bride's side?"

Sarek's eyebrow quirked. "Pre-reform it was the responsibility of the elder females to prepare the captured mates for the caves. I assume they told them not to resist in order to avoid the risk of injury."

Amanda flinched. "Yeah, I think that might be why there are so many horror stories out there. I imagine that if the woman tries to fight off the male, in his state he's likely to hurt her." Amanda shivered. "So, does that mean I can approach _your _clan matriarch without risking offense?"

"You really want to have a sex talk with T-Pau?" Sarek looked at her disbelievingly. "She is considered highly intimidating even by Vulcan standards. I have heard many in the Federation say they would rather 'bait a bear' than even have a normal conversation with her."

Amanda chuckled. "Well _you_ can't ask. And you don't feel comfortable moving forward unless we have some evidence to back up my theory. So how else do we get it? You won't talk about it to anybody so that leaves me. I don't have any cultural hang ups about asking. I'm sure she'll have some about _being _asked. But really, would I pass up a chance to knock the most collected Vulcan alive for loop? It'll make my year! Come on, I know she doesn't like me already so what harm can it do? What do I have to lose?"

Sarek's eyebrow hit his hair line. "You have spent far too much time with Shras."

"Hey, that's an idea!" Amanda grinned. "Shras has got all kinds of intel on your species. Maybe the Andorians have a nice study on your mating cycles that we can..."

"I'll call and make you an appointment with T-Pau for first thing in the morning." Sarek cut in quickly, blushing green.

Amanda snickered. "I knew you'd see it my way."

"Is this how the rest of our lives will be together?" Sarek looked at her appraisingly. "I did not think you were quite so...manipulative."

"Sarek, I'm a woman."

"I suppose I should have investigated your species a little more thoroughly." Sarek said with resignation. "This will be a cautionary tale for generations."

Amanda could feel his amusement through the bond and she smiled at his attempt at a joke. "At least that's one thing I'm good for."

"You are good for a great many things, Amanda."

It was her turn to blush and Sarek's eyes lightened as he took in her flush. "You do turn the most charming colors when you are embarrassed. I'll have to make it a point to do so often."

Amanda smacked him playfully. "I suppose I deserve it after this afternoon. I know you don't want to face this."

"You are correct, it is a matter of importance and delay will not make it any easier." Sarek glanced at the clock and sighed. "It is near dinner. Do you wish to dine in the communal area or would you rather have something brought to our suite?"

Amanda looked around and shrugged. "What do you think would be more politic? Should I put an appearance downstairs? I'm sure everyone in the house is quite curious to see the human."

Sarek's eyebrow arched. "They have been rather...inquisitive of late. T-Pau let it be known you were coming and my preparations were somewhat obvious."

"Well," Amanda stood up and brushed at the wrinkles in her top. "I suppose if I don't go down they'll assume the worst and think you've done something unspeakable to me already and if we are both missing T-Pau will send up a search party."

"That is a likely scenario." Sarek stood up as well and offered his paired fingers. "Will you do me the honor?"

"Always." Amanda smiled and placed her fingers on top of his, shivering at the contact. "Is this so strong because of your Time?"

Sarek shook his head. "It will grow stronger when the bond is matured."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Sarek, if this gets any stronger you'll have to start worrying about _my_ mating drive. This is already...intense."

"Fascinating." Sarek looked down at their fingers in wonder. "I would not expect such a gesture to have an effect on a human. Your psi ability is not strong enough to cause such a problem."

"Maybe it's psychological." Amanda blushed slightly. "I do have a sex drive, Sarek. And all this talk and no action is...frustrating. Plus, I wasn't unaffected by the meld. Another minute of it and that search party would have found _me _taking advantage of _you_."

Sarek's eyebrow rose. "Indeed. That is not quite as disturbing of a thought as it should be."

"Good." Amanda smiled and leaned in to place a quick kiss on his mouth. "Now, about our sleeping arrangements. I don't think I can keep my hands off you tonight if we try and share that bed. _My_ control isn't that good."

Sarek looked relieved. "Than I suggest we do not put either of our wills to the test. You can speak to T-Pau in the morning and make a plan from there."

Amanda frowned as they exited their rooms. "This feels like a strategic retreat."


	24. Searching

_A/N: Well, I missed my self-impossed deadline. This won't be done by the end of the month. I've had to re-write this chapter 3 times and I'm still not happy. Oh well, next chapter is the one everyone's been waiting for._

* * *

Amanda's dreams were full of fire. Her small daybed turned into the rough sands of the Forge and the covers wrapped around her body like heated restraints. She twisted and wreathed against them, her mind a burning landscape of incomprehensible desires. In her dream she ran like a madwoman across the desolate desert sands searching for _something_ that she could not see. Each step seared her feet but she plunged forward, twisting and darting about to avoid the grasping hands of ghostly assailants trying desperately to reach her unknown quarry. The longer she searched the greater the fires became until the very ground was molten lava and the reddish sky had turned to a nightmarish inferno.

Amanda woke in a pool of sweat, her lightweight covers twisted into an impossible knot around her. She lay panting on the hard daybed and tied to will herself to breath normally. The Vulcan sun was streaming in the window making her spot uncomfortably warm but that alone could not explain her overheated state.

She eventually managed to wrestle herself free of the sheets, ending up on her hands and knees on the floor, her head bowed as she finally started to catch her breath. The fires of her dream were still hovering at the edges of her consciousness and with shock Amanda realized what they were. _Sarek_. She could feel his _need_ like a branding iron through the weak bond they shared. Their brief meld seemed to have awakened her awareness of it. Her dream quarry was her own husband and the desert she'd been fleeing across was the landscape of his burning desires.

Amanda collapsed onto her back on the floor and stared up at the ceiling. How did he stand it? She could only feel a portion of his drive and it was overwhelming. How did he suppress it and manage to go about his business with hardly an outward sign? Her admiration for his Vulcan control raced up several notches. She was already ready to just jump him consequences be damned and he was still clutching at his shattered logic trying to give her options.

Amanda slowly pulled herself to her feet and ran a shaky hand through her tangled hair. It was still relatively short from when she'd hacked it off in anger and it stuck up at appalling angles in the morning. She couldn't hear Sarek in the bedroom but she didn't want to chance him seeing her atrocious bed hair at this stage in the game. He'd likely think it was...seductive or something. Vulcans, she was learning, were odd.

Amanda tentatively peaked out of her study to find the bedroom deserted and apparently not slept in. Sarek must have spent the night in his spare room across the way rather than in the bed. Amanda walked slowly into the room and listened until she caught the faint sound of keys being tapped on the dataport in the main sitting room. Sarek was already at work.

Amanda opened the wardrobe and shuffled through the contents until she came across one of the nicer everyday dresses T-Sehl had helped her purchase. It was Vulcan in design but the cut was influenced by the current Federation fashion. It was one of several pieces they'd found that seemed a blend of the two cultures and Amanda had ordered several in a variety of fabrics. She fingered the pale yellow material and had to fight back a wave of tears for her dead friend. T-Sehl had been so patient with her and thought her so much. And so little. There had been so many questions Amanda should have asked but hadn't the courage. Now, the opportunity was lost and instead of a kind matriarch that understood the cultural differences between them, Amanda was about to face the unforgiving T-Pau.

It was late morning by the strength of the sun through the windows and Amanda didn't know when Sarek had arranged for her appointment to be. There wasn't time to wallow in her grief. Amanda gathered the dress to her and pulled a set of plain undergarments out of the drawer and went into the bathroom. She let the rarity of a real water shower wash away the traces of her disturbing dreams and fought down her trepidation. She would face T-Pau as she had everything else. She'd approach the woman calmly and with her own brand of logic as a weapon. After all, it was in T-Pau's best interest to keep Sarek whole and unharmed. To do so, she would have to educate the human that had bonded him. To do otherwise would be to risk his life.

Amanda dressed quickly, the dry Vulcan air evaporating the moister from her shower so quickly she could almost feel it. When she opened the door into the sitting room Sarek was standing there waiting for her, a cup of coffee held out as an offering.

"I remembered from our trip to negotiate with the Orzicanti that you require caffeine first thing in the morning." He said softly. "I have several appointments today and a vid conference call this afternoon. Will you be alright if left to your own devices? I made an appointment with T-Pau for you at 13:00."

Amanda took a sip of the coffee to hide her sudden nervousness. "I'll be fine." She forced a smile. "Can you give me a map to her office before you go? This place is huge..."

Sarek nodded and turned to the table, bending to pick up a padd. "I had assumed you would require such." He handed her the padd and blushed slightly as their fingers brushed. "I marked T-Pau's office, mine, the library, and the kitchens. Are there any other destinations you would like me to mark?"

Amanda glanced at the padd. "I think I'd like to explore and add my own. Are there any hallways I should avoid?"

"Private quarters are marked in red. The halls are open to all but it would be...rude to enter any of the rooms." Sarek turned away and took a shaky breath. "I wish you well in you meeting, Amanda."

Amanda could feel Sarek's struggle for control through the faint whisper of their bond. "It's getting worse."

Sarek turned quickly, his eyebrow rising in surprise. "You can feel it?"

Amanda snorted. "Of course I can feel it. We _are_ bonded." So much for Vulcan intelligence, she added silently.

Sarek shook his head. "It is not a full bond and your psi ability is not high enough..."

"Maybe I can just read you." Amanda shrugged. "Call it women's intuition."

"There is much I do not understand about your species." Sarek's mouth twitched in an almost smile. "I have a theory that our years together will prove fascinating."

Amanda laughed. "That's the plan."

-------

After Sarek left for his day's appointments, Amanda nearly collapsed onto the sofa. She'd downplayed the sensations she was feeling through the bond, but no matter what Sarek believed, she could feel him. There was a constant throbbing in time to her heartbeat. A pulsing wave of desire that was making it not only hard to concentrate but physically painful. The closer she was to him the more powerful the sensation. Amanda could almost trace the path to his office as he traveled further away to get to the staircase, than closer as he walked to his office directly under their rooms. Closer, pulse, further wane. Closer, further, closer, further...

Amanda jumped up and grabbed the padd and a bottle of water. If distance was the key, she'd find the darkest farthest corner and camp out till T-Pau's meeting.

It didn't take long to find her dark corner. The wing opposite their quarters and furthest from Sarek's office was empty. By the amount of sand and dust on the floor it had been empty for some time. There were no environmental controls here but the tick stonewalls were built to keep the worst of Vulcan's heat at bay. Between the moister retentive powders she'd used that morning and the ancient cooling architecture it wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as she'd imagined. Perhaps she was acclimating.

The distance from Sarek was giving her a chance to think, something she'd not had an opportunity to do since the meld that had jump-started her awareness of the fires.

She was married.

She was horny.

Amanda took a sip of her water. And she wasn't really all that upset about either of those things.

Amanda smirked to herself and settled down on the floor of an abandoned room. The meld had answered a lot of her questions about what her future would be like. Sarek's lust was evident, but the care he took was more telling. He'd designed their rooms for her. He was maintaining control for her. He got her _coffee_. Imported, high-grade coffee. Vulcan males were turned on by a female's concern and in return pampered her. A Vulcan woman would expect nothing less, but for a human woman? Hell, this was heaven. The man was _living_ for her. Concern? This was...like being a kept woman. A beloved, pampered, and protected kept woman. And in return all she had to do was give in to a little rough sex with someone she cared deeply for and was attracted too?

If word of this got out, Vulcan males would become a hunted species.

Amanda chuckled. Kathy would tell her she was prostituting herself. Then she'd buy her a congratulatory drink.

Truth was, Amanda would have been tempted even if she'd not cared about Sarek. But...she did care. And this, this was turning out to be less frightening than she'd thought. Sure, T-Lar's warning was real enough and so was Sarek's concern. But...Amanda had a hunch.

Amanda eat lunch with a few of the younger house members in a room just off the kitchen. They were nervous around her and didn't say much. T-Lar's family had taken a long time to get use to having a human with them so Amanda had expected the cold reception but it did make her a little home sick for the family she'd been adopted into. She finished lunch quickly and didn't linger.

She didn't have long till her meeting with T-Pau and Amanda found herself wandering slowly towards the matriarch's office. She was closer now to Sarek and she could again feel his need through their bond. It was distracting and...alien. It felt different than her own desire and Amanda kept having to push it to the back of her mind. It felt like nagging pinpricks at the edge of her consciousness. Luckily T-Pau's offices weren't that close to Sarek's, otherwise Amanda was sure she'd have embarrassed herself zoning out.

When she reached T-Pau's office she found a rather unpleasant looking younger male guarding the entrance. Presumably he was her private secretary but the pinched expression on his face and his defensive stance made him look more like a skinny bodyguard. He sneered at her she approached.

"You are 1.2 minutes late." He raised an eyebrow at her. "The lady T-Pau does not appreciate tardiness from members of her house."

Amanda drew herself up straight. "Than I suggest you see to it that the clocks are synchronized." Amanda pointed to the clock on her padd and than to the readout on his desk. "Apparently you have yet to link your office computer to the stellar clock cycle. I'm actually 30 seconds early."

The secretary's eyes narrowed. "You would correct me?"

"Yes." Amanda smiled sweetly. "Since you are in need of correction and I am in a position to provide enlightenment to do less would be...illogical."

He drew back as if slapped. "You..."

"Enough." T-Pau's voice rang out from the back room. "You are dismissed, Slvan. I will meet with Amanda alone."

Amanda couldn't help smirking at the aggravated secretary as she brushed past him and into the inner office. She could have sworn he called her something rather impolite as he exited.

"Sit." T-Pau waved her in the direction of a stiff backed chair. Amanda sat down and tried her best not to gawk at the interior. It was covered with ancient tapestries and bookshelves. The ages of the materials lining the walls was incalculable and Amanda's hands itched to touch just _one._ T-Pau gazed at her meager attempts at control with interest. "A scholar I see." T-Pau gestured around her. "These are some of the less fragile of the clan archives. They are open to public perusal during selected hours. I will have Slvan forward you the times if you are interested. It can only be to our combined benefit for you to learn clan history."

Amanda nodded eagerly. "I'd love to look at them. I'm surprised you'd agree."

T-Pau sighed heavily. "It would seem we are in a unique circumstance. You are an offworlder and thus bared from such access, but you are now a member of my clan by bonding and expected to know something of our history. I could attempt to make your transition difficult. I could deny you the rights of your position. But this would accomplish little and damage much. It is in my best interests, and those of Vulcan, that Sarek be well. For this to remain the case, you must be not be too inconvenienced by the life you have chosen. I will not make your existence more difficult by behaving illogically. Others will not be so considerate." T-Pau stood swiftly and moved with a speed the belied her age. "Slvan is not the only member of this clan to take acceptation to your selection."

Amanda sighed. "I'd suspected that would be the case. I'm relieved you do not seem to be among them."

"My ...feelings...on the matter are irrelevant." T-Pau touched one the tapestries with reverence, her fingers lingering on the gilt edge. "Sarek's biology made this choice. It would be illogical to blame him or to fight what is unchanging." T-Pau turned back to face Amanda. "That, however, does not mean I am...your friend."

Amanda raised an eyebrow. "I hardly expected that. I'd settle for a lack of open hostility and the chance for an alliance. It's more than Sarek or I thought possible, as a matter of fact."

T-Pau shook her head. "We are reverting to the old ways before my eyes. I have the strangest notion that this tapestry has been witness to many conversations such as this. It is as if I am speaking to a daughter of rival clan. Your humans even stormed the house earlier looking for you. Of course, I did not tell them you had yet to arrive and Sarek is unaware the true extent of their machinations." T-Pau's voice hardened. "Your human clan wishes you ill for this, T-Amanda. As in the old days I must make a choice to welcome you and risk the wrath of your clan or risk the death of my house son. This drama has played out many times, young one. Many times, and it never ends well."

"Never before with a human." Amanda smiled softly. "At least my adopted Vulcan house isn't opposed to this."

"This is true." T-Pau's eyes soften infinitesimally. She gently moved the tapestry back to reveal a locked case. She punched in a combination and pulled out a large hand bound tome. "Sarek indicated that you wished to speak to me. He told me to set aside my afternoon. I can only think of one subject that would send you to me so early in our association." She paused. "When you have so little reason to trust me and every reason not to." T-Pau sat down again and laid the book down on her desk, folding her hands on top. "You require further instruction in the mating."

The elderly Vulcan's bluntness shocked Amanda. "Ahh..." she stuttered. "Yes?"

T-Pau raised an eyebrow. "I was lead to believe that humans were less reserved about their mating habits."

Amanda blushed. "We usually aren't quite so...reticent, no. But I'm not use to a Vulcan being so forthright, at least not about this subject."

"I am 287 years old." T-Pau straightened in her chair. "It would be foolish to hold back the insights I have gained over the course of many pon farrs for something so illogical as embarrassment. How our society has managed to attain such levels of logic while holding fast to this outdated _shame_ about something that is in effect _natural_ and thus _logical_ escapes me. I will not pretend that the issue does not exist and leave you to your fate when it is within my power to ease your way, and Sarek's. As I have said, it is in Vulcan's best interests that I see to Sarek's well being. That now includes you. Ask your questions."

Amanda shook herself. "Alright..." She laid out her questions about the Time one by one ending with her theory. "So, I have this idea that maybe it would be a good idea to ...start early. At least in our case, but Sarek thinks it is a bad idea. But he can't really give me a good reason why. And some of the things T-Lar told me...well, they just don't make sense. It can't be like that for everyone."

T-Pau leaned back in her chair and tapped the book in front of her. "Sarek is not thinking logically. From your description of your dreams and your present distraction your bond is active and you have some idea of what he is currently experiencing. You will forgive him if he is not thinking clearly." T-Pau's mouth turned down slightly. "I find it surprising that you are doing so. You are untrained and the bond, while weak, is still much stronger than I had thought possible. Many Vulcan females would not be in the right state of mind for this discussion yet you seem unaffected."

Amanda bit her lip. "I'm not unaffected. I just...don't have much of a choice. I'm holding it together by shear force of will. I can have a breakdown later, but right now I can't afford it."

T-Pau's eyebrow rose. "I may have underestimated you, Amanda of Earth." T-Pau looked at the book in front of her for a long moment. "I had thought to let you read this, but I was unsure if it would be wise." She tapped the book lightly. "I have spent many years compiling and updating the research it contains. Many of your questions can be answered. But, it must not be made public."

"Why?"

T-Pau shook her head. "You find my forthrightness surprising. How do you think other Vulcans would take it? The matriarchs of this clan have spent the last several hundred years studying the _pon farr_ in secret. We dare not even place our research in the computer files. This, this antiquated paper copy, is the complication of all our work. T-Sehl and others have aided us and I had hoped to bring T-Lar into our circle. Based on your lack of education and the description she gave you of the Time I do not think she is ready for such revelations."

T-Pau sighed heavily. "Amanda, we as a people do not change rapidly. We do not embrace new ideas and we do not alter our ways easily. The Time has been structured this way for so long even I do not know the origins of all the rituals and traditions. I do know that your theories are likely correct and at the minimum will cause no more harm than waiting." She pushed the book forward. "Read. Do not take it out of the complex and return it to me tomorrow. I am trusting you, Amanda, not to revile this even to Sarek. Our men will not take kindly to their wives having recorded such private information. Not even for science. Such study is forbidden and even _my_ position would be forfeit if knowledge of it became public." T-Pau frowned slightly. "Skon was from a more...conservative clan. His instructions to Sarek were likely...colored by this conservatism. This may make it more difficult for you. Sarek is unlikely to take advice or to risk shirking tradition more than he already has."

Amanda took the book with reverent hands. "But, why study it if you can't publicize it?"

T-Pau's lip quirked. "Not all things need to be published to be discriminated. You will read. You will _tell_ T-Lar of your theories and hint that there is evidence. If she is as intelligent as T-Sehl claimed she will figure out where you would have found such evidence. She will seek me out. She will read. Than she will share and educate the young of her house as I do mine, as many other matriarchs have begun to do. If T-Lar had been born into one of the lines whose matriarchs constructed that book than she would have faired far better during her husband's time. Her fear caused much of her distress. You are not the first to think as you do, child. We are not all so uninquisitive or foolish as to suffer as she does. Read, Amanda. Return tomorrow and I will entertain your questions again."

Amanda stood up slowly, clutching the book. "Does this mean we do have an alliance? For Sarek if nothing else?"

T-Pau eyed her critically. "I do not believe it was wise of Sarek to choose you. But I understand the drives that made his choice for him and you are not to blame for his biology. Others have and will continue to hold you responsible. Life here will not be pleasant, at least not for a considerable amount of time. But I am not your enemy." T-Pau stood up to face her. "Amanda Grayson, I may not...like...you being here, being in my house and my clan, but what I want matters little. The situation cannot be changed, so it must be endured. I will do what I can to keep the other terrans away until you are through the fires. And I will guide you as best I can as a daughter of this clan is entitled. I will treat you as I would any other, Amanda. I am not a confidant or a friend, but I am your _pid-kom_. No matter my personal feelings you are entitled to my protection. Your service to Sarek is a service to this clan."

"Is that suppose to be comforting?"

T-Pau nodded grimly. "We protect what is ours, Amanda. And the moment I bonded you to Sarek you became ours."


	25. Passion

Amanda returned to her rooms clutching the book for dear life. She had a few hours until Sarek would return and she'd be damned if either of them could take another night apart. The closer she got to the rooms, the closer she was to Sarek and the worse the emotional bleed over from the bond became. The man was in agony. He might say he could continue, might have planed to wait _two months_ but every part of Amanda screamed at her to ease his pain the only way it could be.

The feelings coming from Sarek weren't turning her on, per se. They were too violent, too harsh to do that on their own. But the knowledge of what was fueling them, what it would take to end them.... As much as Amanda hated to admit it, she was turned on by the idea of it. The thought of being so fully possessed, so needed, so..._used_, it was...alarmingly provocative. The reality was likely to be painful but the fantasy was something else.

Amanda collapsed onto her daybed and opened the book, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand.

The first page was some sort of key. The entire thing was written in strict High Vulcan. Amanda wasn't bad at reading it, thank goodness, but the content and language was highly scientific. She'd only made it a page or two when she had to pull her dictionary out. It was slow going but eventually she figured out the contents page, index, and the key.

The book was a summary of data, not the original findings. There were papers and first hand accounts arranged by subject as well as data charts and tables. The binding was removable and every new matriarch added pages to it as needed. Reading between the lines, it sounded like there was another repository for the actual research and original writings and the book was only a compilation or shortened form. Only the most recent papers were included with citations to earlier research that had been updated or found to be dated. The key was the citation coding for the original research. Each entry, or article, was coded by the matriarch who added it, the date, and the individuals involved in the incident by code and not named for their protection. There were data tables depicting average length of pon farrs, times between fires, number of offspring, with variables accounted for. Amanda stared at the index in awe. Nearly every topic she could think of had at least one paper or chart or diagram, _something_.

In all, it was an impressive bit of research spanning at least 600 years. The handwriting changed as she flipped through the book showing at least a dozen different women who had added to it. She recognized T-Sehl's handwriting in the newest section containing updated accounts of problematic fires and stopped to read.

It was one of the long form narrative articles. Amanda bent closer to read in more detail and her heart leapt into her throat. It was an account of T-Lar's first and so far only pon farr with her husband. The names were removed, but Amanda could recognize the details.

_The individuals involved did not fare well during the fires. The male in question, while experienced, was unable to overcome his trepidation about the new bond and entered the Time uneasy. It would appear that the female was not fully instructed prior to the ritual. This combination proved to be most volatile. The female has been injured and their bond weakened rather than tempered by the fires. Based on her physical injuries and marks to his person, I believe she fought and had to be restrained manually. _

_Taking into consideration past episodes of a similar nature, see 5qeP7, 1yuX3, 0kfL4, and 3thB8, I recommend intensive counseling with the couple by peer-group. The male can best be served by his brother. The female, however, is reclusive. It may prove difficult to influence her and assist with her subconscious fears. Meditation may not prove to be successful. She is not close with anyone from our circle and is unlikely to accept my direction. I will monitor the situation. Her position as heir is of vital importance. The situation cannot be allowed to develop unchecked. The next Time may prove fatal if her reactions worsen due to the prior experience. _

_It is my supposition that this youngest generation may prove difficult. I attempted on multiple occasions to discuss the process with the female prior to the mating but she refused. It is my opinion that her clan is perpetuating, and perhaps increasing, anxiety of the Time with their methods of instruction. It is unfortunate that their matriarch is of a more traditional bent_ _. It would benefit her clan to have the same instruction given to our children, but I do not believe it wise to allow her entry to our circle at this time. Based on this female's behavior, if it can be taken as typical for her clan, and I believe it may be based on 4rkR8 and 8weV9 narratives, it can be extrapolated that the matriarch in question would not be amenable to our cause. _

Amanda touched the page reverently. T-Sehl's analysis of T-Lar's problems seemed to go along with her own theories, but to see it laid out so coldly made Amanda shiver. T-Sehl had to have been worried, and to know that T-Lar stood as her heir, it had to have torn the elderly Vulcan to pieces. She was risking her clan by suggesting T-Lar be her heir. Amanda couldn't imagine the anguish T-Sehl must have faced as her disease progressed faster than expected and she had yet to influence T-Lar's opinion on the Time.

Amanda eyed the book with a new found respect. She'd acted as T-Lar's assistant before, she'd just have to do so again. That was likely the real reason T-Pau had given her the book. The matriarch had asked that Amanda discuss things with T-Lar. After she'd gone through it, T-Lar would be eager to compare notes. While the subject was taboo, Amanda had yet to meet a female of any species that didn't want to double check a few things with their best friend, to make sure they were 'normal'. T-Lar didn't make friends easily and Amanda was one of a select few that could claim such status. The others were mostly male or non-Vulcan, so T-Lar wouldn't have had any peers to discuss this with. Amanda might be the only person on the planet that had a chance to influence her. Oh, the irony.

Amanda sighed and flipped back to the index. Well, that was all well and good, but she had to survive her own Time with Sarek first in order to have any kind of an impact on T-Lar.

It took a considerable amount of searching to find an article and a chart that depicted what Amanda was after. There wasn't anything like "doing it early" in the index and Amanda wasn't sure what the Vulcans would call it. She finally found a title "Cessation of sexual activities during pre-mating drive accumulation". Based on the age of the paper and the coded date, it was several hundred years older than T-Sehl's entry. While the article had not been significantly updated the chart following it had been expanded and additional data added. Taking a quick glance, it appeared that the new data supported the original article and therefore no one had believed it necessary to update the text.

_With the permission of my fellow sisters, I undertook an experiment during my bondmate's most recent fires. Tradition is to avoid contact during the drive accumulation period, typically lasting 4-6 cycles prior to the plak tow. This practice goes in direct violation of the evidence that shows a direct correlation between prior pre-pon farr mating and a reduction in severity of the Time. It is considered common knowledge that such contact strengthens the marriage bond and reduces the negative aspects of the Time. As such, it would seem incongruous that we should avoid such preventative measures in the final days leading up to the actual fever mating._

_After an in-depth investigation of clan archives and a surreptitious investigation of the sacred archives in the mountain, we found no evidence as to the origin of the tradition. It would appear that this particular portion of the ritual either evolved organically over time or the origins are not contained in the priestess' archives. It is possible that such information is available in the hidden scrolls deeper in the mountain. We have no contacts inside that have authorization to view these files at this time._

_After conferring with my fellow sisters, it was decided that as the youngest of the matriarchs currently involved, I would be best suited to test this tradition by direct experimentation. My bondmate was reluctant to break with tradition without explanation but was convinced without undue stress on my part. _

_In the cycles leading up to his Time we engaged in sexual activity with increasing regularity. Once my bondmate had taken the first steps in breaking tradition he was amenable, if not eager, to engage in the experiment. As the anticipated date for his pon farr neared it became increasingly apparent that the regular mating was having decided affects. (see chart 8g). As the date drew ever closer I waited for the fires to reach their peak as in prior Times. This did not happen._

Amanda sucked in a sharp breath.

_My mate's drive had increased in the days and weeks prior to when we anticipated his pon farr beginning, but the date came and went without his sinking into the plak tow. At first we thought that our activities had delayed it, or perhaps prolonged the drive accumulation. It is now 7 cycles past the anticipated start to the mating and his drive has now returned to normal rather than reaching the hallmark fevers of the plak tow._

_Let me be clear that while the plak tow was avoided, the mating drive was not. The frequency of mating was vastly increased to the point that near his anticipated Time it was a daily occurrence. This lasted for several weeks. Had I been amenable it is likely we would have mated multiple times during the day. While my mate retained his mind, he was plagued by insatiable biological urges. Meditation did nothing to reduce his distress. He was able to control the urges but barely._

_Further study will be required. At this point there is not enough evidence to draw a conclusion. I caution anyone that intends to follow this path that while the plak tow was not experienced, the drive itself was frenzied. Females in poor physical condition, or males for that matter, would likely find the experience intolerable. It is likely that newly bonded couples or those without a full bond would find the experience unnecessarily draining and psychologically distressing. The more expedient path would appear to be the traditional one, however, there is not enough evidence to say if one is more or less harmful than the other. This may prove to be a matter of individual preference._

The handwriting changed and a small paragraph was tacked onto the bottom.

_After 15 more tests of this theory by 5 bonded couples over 3 consecutive pon farrs there is evidence to suggest that mating during the drive accumulation can lead to a reduction or elimination of the plak tow in 9 out of 10 cases. However, the sheer number of physical unions required in the intervening months is prohibitive. _

Amanda stared at the page in shock. Prohibitive? How could avoiding such a feared and emotionally damaging thing be prohibitive? The male could retain their _mind_! The thing that scared Sarek the most could be avoided!

Amanda flipped through the book a few more times, and read a few more articles, until a theme started to emerge. The vast majority of the articles and charts were aimed at improving the experience for the females. Very little consideration was given to the _feelings _of the men. Their survival was important, but the studies seemed to be more interested in the long term affect on women. Amanda supposed that was natural since the study was being conducted by women, but the one sided scientific investigation left a sour taste in her mouth.

Amanda checked the clock. It would be another hour or so till Sarek was scheduled to return home. Amanda eyed the book carefully. She hadn't read it all but she'd read enough. She stood up and left her quarters carefully carrying the book.

This time the sour Vulcan secretary was missing and it was T-Pau herself that answered her office door.

The matriarch raised an eyebrow. "You read quickly."

"I skimmed the important bits." Amanda handed the book back. "I'd like to read it more carefully when time permits."

"Of course." T-Pau waved her inside and shut the door. "Do you have any questions now that you have more information?"

Amanda bit her lip. "Isn't it all... a little one sided? Most of the articles seemed to be from the female perspective."

"The danger of having only one gender doing such investigations." T-Pau sat down at her desk and rested her folded hands on top of the tome. "As I told you, there is evidence to back up your theories, as I am sure you 'skimmed'. Most female Vulcans, however, would find the necessary actions...distasteful."

"Because you lack a sex drive?" Amanda asked coldly.

T-Pau's eyebrow arched. "I see you did not skim far enough." She tapped the book meaningfully. "When you are not so...pressed for time, I suggest you read the paper by Seresn. It is one of the oldest included and written by a clan matriarch who was a girl during the pre-Reform days. She theorizes on the social expectation of female sexuality, or the lack there of. It would appear that our training in logic has also trained us not to allow for such motivations. It is not a natural condition. Seresn discusses the changes she saw over the course of her lifetime. They are...dramatic. It would seem that her generation embraced the teachings of Surak with an interpretation that has stuck."

Amanda frowned. "You don't have the same potentially fatal mating drive as the males, or least most don't, so you suppress it? Because it's logical?"

T-Pau nodded. "We have no biological need to mate other than for procreation, unlike our males. So it is not logical for us to desire mating outside of our bondmate's needs and the desire to increase the species. Remove these two factors and it is logical for our females to avoid sexual situations that may result in unwanted pregnancy." T-Pau's mouth turned down slightly. "The requirements of avoiding the plak tow are time consuming and require a frequency of contact and level of intimacy most Vulcan females would find...unwarranted and unwelcome."

"Unwarranted?" Amanda snorted. "It seems a small price to pay to keep your husband from losing his mind, even if it is temporary."

"You are not Vulcan." T-Pau sighed. "Amanda, female Vulcans expect to face the plak tow. The alternative is to live in close proximity to their mate and engage in sexual activity daily for prolonged periods of time during the most productive and worthwhile years of their lives. It would reduce work opportunities and mean an increase in birth rates. Scientific and cultural endeavors would suffer. The cost benefit analysis does not warrant it, at least not for the majority. Those with close bonds that already live with one another may not find the conditions quite as onerous but they are the minority. It would take a very close bond for a female to willingly go through so many matings when the one is all that is required if she waits. While I am sure your human logic finds this incomprehensible, to a female Vulcan it is logical to go through one mating rather than dozens."

"Is this another cheap shot at human sexuality?" Amanda crossed her arms and glared. "We all don't shag like rabbits you know!"

"I am not familiar with rabbits or shagging." T-Pau's voice was clipped. "But I am well aware that your species does not consider mating a very ...important thing. You are flippant about it. Your kind goes from mate to mate with little social ramifications. That is not the case on Vulcan. We have a duty. We perform that duty. Nothing more. Not all species derive pleasure from sexual activity."

Amanda sighed in frustration. "I KNOW that. It's just...I can't imagine suppressing that part of yourselves. I mean, it was bad enough thinking you didn't have a sex drive, but to find out you've killed it off on purpose? Do you even know what you're missing?"

T-Pau waved dismissively. "You value it, we do not. In your case this may be a blessing. I do not know how a human would fair during the plak tow. It can be violent. If your nature is inclined to frequent mating than you can avoid it."

Amanda blushed at the older woman's frankness. "Yes, but it's already so...bad. If it's going to get worse....isn't there anything I can do to make this easier on him?"

T-Pau stared at her in surprise. "On him?" Her forehead scrunched in confusion. "It is biological. Nothing in our research has found a way to ease the drive accumulation. You have read the only documentation we have on reducing or eliminating the plak tow. The best outcome you can hope to achieve would be to provide temporary relief during the accumulation and to avoid the plak tow itself."

"So this is as good as it gets?" Amanda asked helplessly.

T-Pau frowned slightly. "You may discover methods in your own time, Amanda, that we have not thought of. If you do, I will add your observations to the book."

"Thanks." Amanda sighed. "So, do I just go home and convince him....?"

"Do as you see fit." T-Pau stood up. "I will clear Sarek's calendar for the next 3 standard days. It will give you time to...experiment."

"Great." Amanda muttered as she stood up. "He'll be _so_ happy to know you are helping." Her sarcasm was as thick as the stone walls around them.

"He will not be pleased that I have taken such an active role in this private aspect of his life." T-Pau agreed, "but he knew this would be the result when he sent you to me. His father is long gone from us. There is no one left but his matriarch to aid in arrangements for his Time." T-Pau held the door open for her and looked at her appraisingly. "If you are successful you will avoid the cave ritual."

Amanda paused in the doorway. "I think you just made my day."

-------

Amanda beat Sarek back to their room by less than 5 minutes. She had just enough time to use the bathroom and comb her hair before he appeared to escort her to dinner.

He didn't ask how the meeting went. He was anxious and a little jumpy through dinner. The serving girl kept throwing sympathetic glances at Amanda as she set each plate down and Sarek twitched in his seat in response. It was clear that the entire house knew what was going on even if nobody would say it. They all knew the signs.

They made small talk about Sarek's appointments and the embassy. Amanda commented about the ancient architecture in the abandoned wing and Sarek filled her in some of the history behind it. And they avoided eye contact at all costs.

When the meal ended they moved by silent agreement to their sitting room. Sarek sank slowly onto the seat across from her and eyed her warningly. "You found something. I can feel your...determination."

Amanda smiled. "Let's just say that T-Pau's not nearly so scary when she's obliged to be of assistance. She's got multiple motives behind helping me, none of them altruistic, but she did give me a little information."

Sarek couldn't help but lean forward in curiosity. "She knows something that may help our situation?"

Amanda rolled her eyes. "She _is_ over 200. I'd say she knows more than 'something' about it considering the number of times she's lived through it." Sarek winced, his ears tipped in green, and Amanda chuckled. "I've got to be careful. I enjoy embarrassing you _way_ too much."

"Amanda." Sarek's tone was warning and she chuckled again.

"We've got a green light."

"What?" Sarek asked confused. "What does a green light have to do with anything? We have sufficient lighting."

"It means we're good to go. We wouldn't be the first to try this." Amanda moved over to sit next to him and took his hand. He flinched but didn't move away. "It would seem that others have tried and had some success."

Sarek couldn't meet her eye. "Does it lessen the fires?"

Amanda sighed and squeezed his hand. "Yes and no. It would seem to stop the plak tow, usually entirely, but it doesn't lessen the drive itself. That keeps building until it peaks just short of the full plak tow. If we do this, we can likely avoid the final stage but we'll have to...give in."

Sarek shivered. "How...how did you find this out?"

"T-Pau is a matriarch of a powerful clan, Sarek. She _knows_ things. That's all you really want to know."

Sarek nodded. "How do we 'give in'?"

Amanda cringed. "We...ah...mate. A lot. Whenever you feel like it, until it passes."

Sarek shifted quickly to look at her in shock. "You'd never make it out of our bed!"

Amanda couldn't help but giggle. "Sounds like normal happy newlyweds to me."

"This is not a joke." Sarek got up quickly and started pacing. "I'm barely sane at the moment. I won't be in control. This will not be copulation as you know. It will be...brutal."

Amanda nodded. "But you'll be in more control now than later."

"You would risk yourself repeatedly rather than just once?"

"This isn't about what I want." Amanda stood up slowly. "I can _feel_ you, Sarek. Nobody deserves this. If I can lessen it even slightly I'll do it. You _will not hurt me_. You have your mind still and we have the bond. The more interaction we have the stronger that will get. If we can strengthen that as the fires build you should still be aware enough of me to avoid causing me too much damage. You'll feel it if you do."

"You have too much faith in the bond. It is weak."

"It is there." Amanda took a steadying breath. "It's a biological function just like the mating drive, Sarek. They are supposed to go hand in hand. It's the safety check on the whole thing. If it wasn't for your vaunted logic you'd have been shagging me senseless for months now and the bond would have matured. But you've been suppressing and fighting your nature. Haven't you ever wondered why you are the way you are? Why nature made you this way? None of this is evil, Sarek. It's natural. If you'd stop fighting it you'd be a lot better off."

"What exactly did T-Pau tell you?" Sarek asked breathlessly. "You are convinced of this?"

"Let's just say I have evidence." Amanda smiled softly and gently touched his face. "I'm asking you to trust me and to trust yourself. We _will _make it through this."

Sarek swallowed thickly. "I have meetings...if we start now I _know_ I will not be in a condition do attend to them in the morning."

"T-Pau is clearing your calendar for the next several days." Amanda cupped his face gently between her hands and moved purposefully onto his lap straddling him. "I've got you all to myself." She felt a predatory grin start to form. "You are pushing _my _control, husband, and I'm not very good at the whole will-power thing."

And she kissed him.

////////

Fire burst into her mind as the bond opened. Amanda's scream was cut off by Sarek's mouth as it pressed hard against hers. Sarek's repressed desire hit her like a tidal wave. This time she didn't try to fight it.

Sarek was lost to it.

Amanda went limp in his arms. The fires raging in his mind were hardly something she could fight on the physical plane and even if this wasn't the dreaded _plak tow_ it still wasn't something she thought wise to resist. In moments she was pinned beneath him on the sofa, his hand bunching her dress and nearly ripping the fabric.

She could feel his guilt just behind the flames that licked at her mind. Sarek didn't want to do this, he did not want to give in. But he was so tired and she was _there_. Amanda closed her eyes and tried to build the shield around them as she had before during their meld but it wouldn't hold. She couldn't seem to muster the strength. Sarek's hands were burning hot as they found her naked flesh and her dress was flung forgotten to the other side of the room.

Amanda gasped as Sarek frantically tugged at the clasp on her bra until it broke. She wiggled, trying to get her hands free to yank at his robes in return. If they were going to do this she'd be damned if she was anything less than an active participant.

Her actions seemed to spur Sarek on and within moments the last of her clothing was in tatters somewhere across the room and Sarek's robes were in little better condition. Amanda ran her hands over his shoulders feeling the muscles there for the first time.

Sarek's breath hitched as she bent forward to nip at his ear. "I've always wanted to do that." She whispered, running her tongue along the curved edge. The bond quivered with the strength of Sarek's reaction, the burning in Amanda's mind intensifying. Sarek wasn't the only one losing control.

They didn't take time to explore. The need was too strong and without Amanda controlling it, it took them both over.

There was skin on skin, sliding along one another. The differences in their body temperatures only intensified the sensation. Amanda could no longer tell what she was feeling and what was Sarek. There was simply fire and skin and burning need.

He was inside her without either of them realizing it. She arched into his body trying to increase their contact and her last conscious thought was to thank God that Vulcans were on average rather small...

//// /////

Amanda was getting very tired of waking up with Vulcan's hot sun shining in her eyes. She groaned and reached for a sheet to cover her head. Instead of cool cloth her fingers found something hard and warm...and slightly hairy.

Amanda sat up quickly and moaned in pain. It took her a moment to get her bearings before realizing she was naked on the floor of the sitting room and it was Sarek's equally naked leg she'd found instead of her sheet.

Everything hurt.

Amanda bit her lip and moved slowly to stretch out her cramped limbs checking for damage. There was a collection of bruises on her thighs and what looked disturbingly like finger marks on her wrists.

She looked quickly towards Sarek. He was still unconscious, lying flat on his stomach stretched out beside her. His face was far from relaxed and there were quite a few greenish bruises starting to appear on him as well. And something that looked a lot like a bite mark on his left butt cheek....

_At least I gave as good as I got. _Amanda thought to herself as she slowly made her way to her knees and started to crawl towards the bathroom. She cautiously probed the bond in her mind and found that her awareness of Sarek was stronger than before. Thankfully, the fires in his mind seemed somewhat calmer. _For now_, she thought to herself.

Amanda made it to the shower and cranked the hot water to max before hauling herself under the stream. The jets beat at her muscles forcing them to relax. She didn't have a lot of time before Sarek woke. He wasn't going to be happy about what they'd done and she'd be damned if she let him see how much the night had taken out of her.

She held the wall for support as she climbed out. The medicine cabinet was fully stocked, and she went right for it and the large bottle of muscle relaxer/pain reliever she'd brought with her. She washed two pills down with water from the sink.

She didn't bother trying to dress. She wrapped herself instead in one of the large towels and slowly made her way into her office to check the time.

It was an hour or so until lunch.

The last thing she remembered was confronting Sarek just after dinner - 12 hours ago. She winced. No wonder she was sore. She had the vague impression that they'd gone at each other several times during the night, but her only real memory was of the burning fire that had consumed her through the bond. Sarek might not have lost his grip on reality, but she certainly had. Her untrained mind had not be able to handle the telepathic part of the mating and she'd lost herself to the experience. Perhaps he'd remember more...

She ordered food for the two of them from the link to the kitchen and waited impatiently for the tray to come up. It took her longer than she'd like to admit to carry it back into the front room. Sarek was still laying face down on the carpet as she set the tray down on the table.

The smell of the meal finally roused him. He groaned and made an aborted attempt to push himself up before deciding it wasn't worth the effort and instead resorted to rolling over, hiding his head beneath his arm.

Amanda cleared her throat and tried for a cheery tone. "I got us lunch."

Sarek flinched and peaked cautiously out from under his arm. Amanda smiled down at him and sat down hiding her own wince as her abused muscles were forced to bend. "I know I'm starved." She picked up piece of bread and nibbled on a corner. "Hiding down there will not make me go away, Sarek."


	26. Exploration

Amanda smiled gently. "Good morning."

Sarek ignored his nudity and pushed himself up to his knees, eyeing her carefully. "Are you alright?"

"Of course." Amanda reached for her cup of tea but stopped half way there as the muscle in her side twinged. She hissed loudly and twisted to the side trying to stretch it out. "Just a little sore." she admitted sheepishly. "I'm not used to that much aerobic exercise. I think I need to do some warm up stretches next time." She rubbed her protesting thigh muscles, "And maybe we could try a position that doesn't require my legs in the air. I've got a lovely collection of books full of all sorts of possibilities to try out."

Sarek's eyes widened as he caught sight of the bruises on her leg. He rushed forward so quickly that Amanda yelped in surprise. He yanked her towel off and just stared at the rapidly darkening marks.

Amanda cleared her throat and tried for a joking tone. "Sarek! Can I at least eat my breakfast before you take me up on my offer? A girl needs her energy."

He ignored her and said nothing for several long moments, taking a full inventory of her injuries. His eyes raked from head to foot, pausing at each mark. "I injured you, he said softly, reaching a hand out slowly to touch the bruise on her side with a careful finger, his touch ghosting over her and causing a shiver to go down her spine. "I should call a healer."

"It's nothing." Amanda wiggled away from him and resisted the urge to retrieve the towel. After what they'd done there was no point in trying to fake modesty. His eyes followed her and catalogued every mark. He finally settled to staring at the bruises on her wrists, his eyes shadowed. Amanda could feel his growing horror at his actions and sighed. "I'm _fine_, Sarek. I just bruise easy. Always have." She pointed to a fading yellow mark on her left knee. "I got that moving boxes at T-Lar's a couple days ago. All I did was walk into an empty crate. It was purple the next day."

"I caused this." Sarek murmured, running a single finger lightly along her wrist. "I held you down."

"Really?" Amanda shrugged. "Don't remember."

Sarek's head jerked up. "You do not remember?"

Amanda took his hand. "Not a thing. I kissed you, the bond flared up, and that's about it." She arched her back and winced. "I'm just a little stiff. I took a couple pills when I got up. Give 'em a half hour and I'll be right as rain."

Sarek shook his head. "I should not have allowed this."

"Why not?" Amanda reached a hand up and lightly traced his jaw. "You seem calmer. The bond feels stronger. I think we can say the experiment was a success."

"You do not remember." Sarek shivered. "You lost an entire night." Sarek shivered harder and Amanda reached for his discarded robes and wrapped them around him. While she was more than comfortable in the heat of the room Sarek was cold from the stone of the floor.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just not used to that much mental contact. When we melded I was concentrating only on our minds but last night I had other things to hold my attention. I got lost in you. It's not that I don't remember, exactly, more like the experience was _consuming._ I couldn't tell what was you and what was me. So I stopped trying. I can't remember single instances only a wash of the whole."

Sarek hugged his robes around himself. "You are not upset?" He looked up at her cautiously. "What you experienced was only a portion of what it will be like closer to the _plak tow_."

Amanda laughed. "People pay good money trying to get that kind of a high. I can do it naturally! Why would I be upset? So I blacked out. No big deal. I'm no worse for the wear. I'm sure with a little practice the mental contact won't be so overwhelming for me."

"You are bruised and injured." Sarek rubbed her wrist again, his touch so soft she barely felt it. "You need time to heal."

"True." Amanda shifted on the couch and tugged till Sarek joined her. He picked the towel up slowly and eyed it warily before helping her to wrap up in it again. "But you seem a lot...calmer today," Amanda continued once she was covered. "I think this helped. I know the fires will return and get worse, but for now you are in better shape than you have been. If we," Amanda hesitated, "if we try this again, do you think the experience might be a little less intense? Maybe we could go a little slower? If I have more time to adjust to your presence and the bond I might not become so lost."

"I will not risk doing you more harm." Sarek frowned and shifted uncomfortably. "You bit me." He sounded surprised at the realization, his hand moving unconsciously towards the bite mark on his hind end. His eyes darkened as he examined his memory of the night before. "You were...rather enthusiastic." He sounded more than a little shocked.

Amanda blushed. "Yeah. Not a Vulcan, remember? I wasn't about to lie back and think of England."

"I do not understand." Sarek raised an eyebrow. "England?"

"I just meant that I'm the active participation type." Amanda reached again for her tea, slowly this time. "Take a look at yourself, Sarek. I gave as good as I got." She gestured towards the large greenish bruise starting to form on his upper arm. She started to take a sip of the tea and stopped, the cup barely touching her lip. "Ah, do you mind my...enthusiasm?"

Sarek frowned slightly, his forehead crinkling as he debated the question. Amanda shifted uncomfortably and nervously sipped her tea. "Not as such." Sarek finally stated, "but it was different. I believe your actions may have pushed me further than if you had remained passive. I am not a healer, but I believe that your arousal combined with mine to create something like a feedback loop through the bond. This is likely what overwhelmed your mind and thwarted my attempts at self control."

"That's not bad, is it?" Amanda asked softly.

Sarek tipped his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. "It is potentially dangerous. Vulcan sexual behavior is different from human norms. I may, in the heat of the fires, mistake your enthusiasm for resistance." He gestured towards the bruises on her wrists. "I restrained you at one point. If I am not careful I could do more than bruise you."

"Won't you be able to tell that I'm not fighting you through the bond?" Amanda frowned. "You should be able to tell that I'm enjoying it, not trying to escape." She hesitated slightly. "And, while I'm sure you won't find this logical, I do rather enjoy...being held down. Now and then. A little bit. Sometimes." She blushed. "A lot actually."

"Logic has little place in mating." Sarek sighed and reached for his own plate of food. "Regardless, for now, I am calmer. Perhaps," He paused and flushed green. "Perhaps, if we are careful, we could attempt a more sedate mating?" He looked up quickly than back down at his plate. "When you have recovered. There is much I do not understand about what might please you." He eyed her wrists and the slight blush on her checks. "You will have to teach me your way as I will instruct you in mine."

Amanda pursed her lips and thought carefully how to phrase her response. "If you don't expect acrobatics than I'll be amenable tonight." She dropped her eyes and played with a thread from the towel. "I'm bruised but not...where it counts."

Sarek frowned. "Based on your visible injuries I assumed I had done damage in ... all locations."

Amanda coughed. "Actually, ah...I'm not sure how to say this."

"Honestly and bluntly will suffice." Sarek replied. "If we are both determined to stammer through this topic with obscure cultural references we'll remain ignorant for years." He looked down at his robes. "As you have ascertained, I am not always able to be forthright about all areas involving intimacy. There are times you will have to lead the way. I would appreciate your honesty."

"The thing is," Amanda began, "your species isn't....as large as a human male. I'm not complaining, "Amanda added quickly, "It's a good thing, all this considered, but..." She paused and sighed. "You didn't tear me or anything, not like I'd expected would happen after feeling _your_ enthusiasm. Human women are capable of handling a lot of...vigorous activity in that area. It's not unusual that rough sex would end in a little bleeding or small injuries. I'd assumed that would happen last night but it didn't. If you were, ah, _larger_ I'd be in a lot more pain and out of commission."

Sarek's mouth turned down in a clear sign of displeasure. "You find me...inadequate?"

"No!" Amanda shook her head and leaned forward to take his hands in hers. "Not at all! It's just...you aren't as likely to damage me as we'd both assumed. That's all. I'm relieved actually. I was a little worried about it to tell you the truth."

Sarek swallowed thickly. "I am not sure I am comfortable with this conversation."

Amanda took a deep breath and tried to fight her chuckle. "You and me both. I shouldn't have said anything. Size doesn't matter, it's how you use it." She bit her lip and smiled. "And you...use it well."

"I thought you did not remember last night."

"I don't have to remember the details to get the big picture." Amanda moved closer and curled up to his side. "We've got some biological and social issues to work out. We've got to communicate about this sort of thing. I'm sure there are some biological differences about me that you weren't expecting."

Sarek's hand crept up her thigh and she drew a quick breath as her legs automatically opened for him. His fingers combed through her curls and he tugged lightly. "A few."

"Sarek," Amanda closed her eyes and leaned back, opening her legs further. "Do we need to wait till tonight? I think I may have overestimated how long I needed to recover."

Sarek's hand stilled. Amanda cautiously opened her eyes to find Sarek staring at her, his eyes dark and unreadable. "Sarek?"

He withdrew his hand and stood up. She stared up at him for a long moment before he bent down and picked her up, carrying her towards the bedroom.

"I will first confirm that you have no serious injuries," He began, laying her gently on the bed. "If what you say is true, and I have not done you any more harm than a few bruises, than we may..._may_, attempt another union. But we will do so the Vulcan way this time. I am less likely to loss control or to do you more harm."

"You'll have to teach me." Amanda warned softly. "I'm afraid nobody's told me exactly what that means."

Sarek nodded sagely. "We will teach each other a great many things in the coming years, Amanda. We will start here."

---

He laid her out on the bed and gently removed the towel. "Lay back and let me examine you. If you are too injured you will retire to your study and lock the door and remain there until you are healed." He waited until she nodded in agreement before continuing. "I realize that it is against your nature, but try to remain passive. I need to..." he paused and his ears turned a deep green. "I need to explore you, Amanda. Not only to insure you are uninjured, but there are more differences between us than a book, or Shras videos, can adequately explain. I do not wish to cause you harm through my ignorance."

"When this is over, do I get the same chance?" Amanda asked gently. "After all, there _are_ no books on you for me to read and if Shras has got videos I do not want to see them."

"I believe we can arrange something, after the fires." Sarek agreed. "Now please, let me make sure you are 'no worse for the wear' as you said. You humans have an annoying tendency to hide injury."

Amanda tried to control her breathing as she did as he asked, leaning back into the pillows and holding still. His eyes moved over her slowly, cataloguing every inch. By the time he reached her navel she was panting and he had yet to touch her. The fires weren't raging, but she could feel his arousal through the bond and his attempts to dampen it down long enough to insure her welfare.

"Are you well?" He asked softly. "Your heart rate has increased."

Amanda bit her lip. "Check the bond. What does it tell you?"

Sarek raised an eyebrow and Amanda could feel him reaching for her mentally. His eyes widened in surprise. "You are aroused. What have I done to cause this?"

"Would you believe that looking at me was enough?" Amanda shivered. "How's your control doing? Am I upsetting it too much? I can hold still but I can't control my arousal."

Sarek shook his head. "I am dampening the bond, keeping your impressions and desires out of my mind will allow me to remain relatively unaffected. I do not know how long this easing of the drive will hold, but so long as the fires do not rise I should be able to maintain my current level of self-possession."

"I'm not at all happy to hear that." Amanda frowned. "You're driving me up a wall without even a touch. I'd like to at least be distracting to you."

Sarek's eyes danced. "You are always a distraction." He let his robes fall as he crawled onto the bed next to her. He leaned forward and kissed her gently. "But currently I am engaged in a damage assessment tour. Will you comply?"

Amanda stretched out, reaching her arms over her head and curling her wrists through the slats in the headboard in an attempt to keep from touching him. "For now."

Sarek's eyes went to her chest and Amanda could feel her nipples hardening under his gaze. "Do they do that often?" He asked softly, running the side of his finger over her and causing her to shiver and the bud to tighten further. "It does not appear comfortable."

Amanda chuckled. "Try that again with the bond open and find out."

Sarek's nostrils flared and he shivered. "Perhaps I do not have as much control as I thought." He muttered and Amanda smirked. "I will increase the pace of my examination."

Sarek moved down the bed and gently nudged her thighs. She opened for him and watched as he stared down at her, a curious expression on his face.

"Is the moisture normal?"

Amanda couldn't help but laugh at his cautious tone. "Give me a minute and there will be a hell of at lot more, especially if you keep staring at me like that."

"And the color?" He reached a finger out slowly and prodded at her labia causing Amanda to wiggle and groan. "Is it supposed to be so...red? It is not a sign of injury is it?"

"I _am_ red blooded." Amanda panted. "Trust me, I'm perfectly normal for an aroused human female that's just been well and thoroughly fucked for the first time in a couple years."

"Fascinating." Sarek cocked his head to the side and used his fingers to gently explore her outer folds. "I read that you create your own lubrication but I had not anticipated the results." He looked up at her questioningly. "I had wondered why your scent changed at certain times. Can you not control this response? There have been times during our work together that such a sexual response would have been inappropriate. Yet I distinctly remember this aroma. I had never thought it polite to inquire."

"You can smell me?" Amanda blushed deeply. "In public?"

"I was unaware that the scent indicated arousal." Sarek's nose flared again and his eyes darkened. "Now that I am aware of the significance I will pay more attention."

Amanda closed her eyes and let her head fall back. "I can't control it, Sarek. It's not a reaction I'm always happy about." She groaned in humiliation. "I think I'm mortified. Can everybody tell?"

He didn't reply but his fingers kept exploring, parting her fully. Amanda's legs quivered as she tried to control her desire to move, letting him explore. He eased his finger inside her and her breath hitched. "The difference in texture is fascinating."

Amanda gulped and failed to control her hips as they rose off the bed trying to drive his hand further in. "Sarek..."

His hands broke contact with quickly. "Did I hurt you?" he asked quickly. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." Amanda forced herself under control. "Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong. You did that right. Very right." She opened her eyes and uncurled her fingers from around the headboard. "You just skipped ahead in the foreplay a bit. I wasn't expecting it."

Sarek's eyes scrunched in confusion. "Foreplay?"

Amanda nodded. "Human women need time to...warm up. Normally there's a little more," she blushed, "kissing and touching before jumping to the...insertion part, fingers or..." she trailed off.

"You are wetter." He looked down than back up to her eyes. "Is the amount of moisture an indication of your being 'warmed up'?"

"Yes." Amanda nodded. "If I'm not aroused enough intercourse could hurt."

"Due to lack of lubrication." Sarek nodded. "I am beginning to understand. This is a preparatory response."e

"Is this too different for you?" Amanda's head dipped. "You don't find this...unappealing do you?"

Sarek laid back down next to her, his hand reaching for hers. "Vulcan women do not require lubrication as such. Their tissues are not the same. Our climate would prohibit such potential water loss." Sarek ran his hand gently down her side. "I find it decadent." He let a small smile play on his lips. "I rather like being decadent."

"Good." Amanda sighed and leaned into his touch. "Because if it repulsed you there wasn't much I could do about it."

"Nothing about you repulses me, Amanda. There are differences, yes, but nothing that cannot be adjusted to." Sarek's fingers strayed back to her curls. "How does one go about this foreplay?"

Amanda twisted on the bed to face him and smiled. "It usually starts with a kiss." She leaned forward till their lips meet. Sarek yielded to her and she ran her tongue along the edge of his teeth eliciting a sharp growl from him before she pulled back. "Then there's usually a little petting through clothes, but I think we can skip that part."

"Logical since we are both nude."

Amanda smacked his hip gently. "I'm teaching here."

"My apologies." He smiled faintly. "Please continue."

"Next is clothing removal, which as you noted is unnecessary." Amanda ran her hand down his side and pushed him over till he lay on his back. "The next step is usually an exploration of one another, pace determined by the amount of time available and each person's self-control."

Sarek quirked an eyebrow. "I believe that is what I was doing."

"True." Amanda giggled. "You were definitely doing that."

"So what is the next step?" Sarek shifted to lay on his side, his face inches from Amanda's. "Now that I have determined you are not more than superficially injured?"

"Well, this is where things get interesting." Amanda reached out to run a finger lightly down the point of his ear. "You see, humans are...creative with sex. Sometimes we like to play games, be a little silly, role-play... How long foreplay lasts and what it consists of depends on what kind of sex is happening."

"What kind is this?" Sarek asked softly, his eyes twinkling.

"The slow and easy kind, unfortunately." Amanda sighed and shifted uncomfortably. "I'm afraid I'm not really up to much else."

"H'mm," Sarek murmured. "Then I return to my original plan. You will refrain from showing your earlier enthusiasm and I will take the more active role. This will give you time to rest."

Amanda snorted. "I doubt that."

Sarek shrugged. "You cannot accuse me of not trying, Amanda." He smiled slightly again and Amanda shivered in response.

"You keep doing that and I'm afraid I'll develop a fetish."

"What?" Sarek reached out and drew her closer until their bodies lined up.

"That smile." Amanda squirmed trying to get a little friction where she wanted it. "You have this almost-smile you do, but only when we are alone. It's not a full smile, and it's mostly in your eyes, but...it...does things to me."

"What kind of things?" Sarek whispered, leaning in to kiss her neck just below her ear.

"You know damn well what kind of things, Mr.-I-can-smell-your-arousal."

Sarek hummed in response before kissing her deeply. "It is an entirely inappropriate emotional response on my part. I blame you."

"Guilty and happy about it," Amanda murmured and arched into him. "Weren't you going to teach me the Vulcan way?"

"So I was." Sarek flipped them so he was lying on top and, with more strength than Amanda expected, pinned her arms. "You may find the experience...boring."

Amanda raised an eyebrow in response. "You on top of me, holding me down, in the same sentence as boring?" She squirmed under him and arched up making him hiss in response. "Unlikely."

Sarek eyed her critically. "I do not think you can approximate Vulcan behavior." He looked down pointedly to where her hips were arching off the bed. "I believe I will have to adapt my strategy."

Amanda started to question what he meant but was cut off, as Sarek flipped her in one powerful move. She landed on her elbows, her hands free but her hips suddenly captured and raised. She gasped in surprise at the change in position and felt a shudder of desire pass through the bond. Evidently Sarek liked the view.

"Are you alright... like this?" Sarek asked, his voice strained.

"Quite happy, thanks," Amanda replied breathlessly. She could feel the fire rising in Sarek through the bond despite his attempts to keep it controlled. "Maybe we shouldn't play around any longer. I think you are..."

"The drive is returning," Sarek acknowledged, his hands roaming over her backside and tugging her into a more suitable position. "Amanda?"

"It's alright." Amanda replied softly. "I'm here, Sarek. You don't have to control it."

He made a strangled sound and the bond opened wide between them. Amanda was more prepared this time and she was able to hold onto consciousness, barely. She felt Sarek enter her and she resisted the urge to move against him, trying to hold still for him. He may not have been as large as a human male, but he had enough length to hit her right where it counted. Amanda gasped as he thrust hard into her, his greater strength causing her knees to give out. His hands supported her and Amanda gave into his need, letting him take her without resistance. The feelings filtering through the bond, the rising fires, were making it hard for her to concentrate. She could feel her orgasm rising and it seemed to push Sarek further, making the fires rise in the bond. When she came the mental contact flared between them and she blacked out again.

The next thing she was aware of was a too warm body spooned up behind her and a dull ache in her back and thighs. She was awkwardly sprawled with one leg hiked up over a spare pillow and her arm pinned beneath her body. She could feel Sarek's sleeping mind through the bond even more strongly than in the morning. It seemed that the more contact they had, the stronger the bond grew.

Amanda shifted slightly, trying to get into a different position. Her left arm was going to sleep and her leg was getting quite tired. Sarek made a snuffling sound and grasped her tighter. It was only as he did so that she realized why she was pitched forward the way she was. He was still inside her and still..._enthusiastic_. And she was very, very sore.

Amanda stilled suddenly as Sarek made a slow sleepy thrust forward. She was going to have to revise her earlier statement. He wasn't as thick as a human male, but he was definitely _longer._ She moaned involuntarily as he stroked her deeper than she thought possible. The need she felt through the bond was blanking out her earlier discomfort and she could feel herself sinking into the fire.

Sarek stilled suddenly and Amanda could feel the instant he awoke. He started to pull away from her but she pushed backward, reaching awkwardly behind her to keep him in place.

"Mister, you have unfinished business here," she admonished softly, her voice deeper than she expected.

Sarek hugged her tightly to him, burying himself to the hilt in the processes and causing Amanda to let out another undignified moan. "You are not too tired?"

"You were the one fucking in his sleep." Amanda hissed. "Please, _Sarek_!" Amanda fumbled mentally with the bond, trying to convey through it how exciting she found their position and how very much she wanted him to continue.

It was slow. Amanda could feel herself drifting as he moved. Each thrust sent an electric thrill through her, the awareness from the bond a constant echo. She could feel her own cooler temperature around him, could feel what it felt like to thrust into it, the cold wetness driving back the fires like nothing ever had. It was the most unusual thing Amanda had ever experienced. She'd never understood why they called it the 'little death', not until Sarek finally found release and pulled her with him. It was as if time stopped and for a moment they were caught suspended in eternity, hung there as a single being while flames danced around them.

The next moment the bond calmed and she was alone again. She missed his heat as he pulled away from her, the loss of his higher temperature leaving her chilled despite the warm air. She turned over so she faced him and pulled him down for a slow kiss. His hand found hers, their fingers touching in the Vulcan fashion and Amanda moaned again as the bond flickered.

"Not again. Not tonight." Sarek murmured against her lips. "It has been hours, Amanda, since you last ate and neither of us has rested enough." He kissed her again, leisurely, before pulling away. His eyes were calmer than she'd seen them since coming back to Vulcan and she smiled at him. "You would think..." he shook his head, trying to find the words. "I am starting to think you might be the one in _pon farr_."

Amanda chuckled tiredly and pushed him over till he was on his back and she could rest her head on his chest. "Just doing my duty."


	27. Fatigue

When he'd said she'd never leave his bed, she'd assumed he'd meant _they_ wouldn't leave it.

Amanda cracked an eye open and sighed. It was bright and sunny, which meant she'd slept the night away. She could detect no higher-than-normal Vulcan body heat, which meant Sarek was in his office. She checked the bond to be sure and found that he'd dampened it again. All she could detect was that he was in the compound and was busy with something.

Amanda stretched out her aching muscles and forced herself to get up out of the bed and into the bathroom. A hot shower later she felt something close to human.

The last several days had been a dizzying blend of sex, sleep, sex, food, sleep and sex, food and sex, and maybe a little food and sleep. There was a good chunk of time she really couldn't account for, and a lot of mysterious crumbs in odd places.

Amanda didn't bother getting dressed. There was no telling when Sarek might show up for a noon time quickie and she wasn't about to sacrifice another nightgown.

They'd fallen into something of a routine. Amanda would help Sarek ease the fires and when he was sated, she'd sleep. When he was calm enough, he would leave their rooms and work in his office, giving her enough time to clean up and grab food before returning. She'd often wake up to find herself already aroused and Sarek either about to enter her or already inside her. She'd become better at the passive sex Sarek wanted, through sheer fatigue rather than control, and Amanda could gauge his mood from the way he took her. If it was slow and gentle he was trying to stop the fires before they flared back up. If it was fast and hard he'd waited too long and they had peaked again. She'd lost track of their encounters and she suspected there were a few she'd never even regained consciousness for. The bond was still overwhelming her and at times she lost herself to the sea of desire Sarek was battling. She felt like a ship adrift on the ocean being pulled this way and that by tides she could not see.

Amanda was exhausted and between rounds she did little more than sleep, eat, and use the facilities. Not that she was complaining, oh no. She was actually quite proud of herself for keeping up with him. The increased Vulcan stamina and strength was more than a match for a human.

Amanda ordered a sandwich and ate it in her sitting room. When she finished it she reluctantly got up and changed the sheets on the bed. They were a little...sticky.

Amanda laid back down and closed her eyes, wishing for the hundredth time she'd thought to have blinds installed on the windows.

When she woke up the next time it was to find Sarek's warmth spooned behind her and his breath in her ear. Amanda sighed and shifted to grant him better access but he hugged her closer stopping the movement.

"Not now, my wife. Sleep. I only wish to hold you."

Amanda nodded sleepily, her mind automatically going to check the bond. It was open again, stronger than she'd ever imagined something like it could be, and for the first time she did not feel the overwhelming flames of _pon farr_ leaping in the back ground.

Amanda jerked awake. She twisted in his arms to get a good look at him. Sarek let a small soft smile play at the corner of his mouth. "You did not think it would last forever, did you?"

"I thought we had two months?" Amanda questioned softly as she moved to hug him. "It's only been a week."

"Two weeks." Sarek corrected. "You've been sleeping a considerable amount of the time."

Amanda waved it off. "Not like I have a lot to do. I can't exactly go back to work for the Andorian Embassy when I'm married to the Vulcan Ambassador." She paused. "Two weeks?"

"I believe the experience has been..." Sarek paused and considered his word choice. "Overwhelming for you. Physically and mentally. It was several days before you adapted to the bond and stopped losing consciousness."

Amanda sighed sleepily. "Now I know what they meant about it being prohibitive."

"Hmmm?" Sarek asked softly, stroking her hair. "What who said?"

"Nothing," Amanda murmured. "So does this mean you're back to normal for another 7 years?"

"6.5. There is a 6 month build up of _pon farr_." Sarek's voice took on a pleased tone. "There is considerable speculation taking place on how I have managed to avoid the normal cycle. While no one will ask I can see the questioning glances. They do, however, inquire as to where you are."

"Too tired to drag my ass out of bed," Amanda murmured. "Don't take this the wrong way, Sarek, but I hope that in 7 years this bond of ours is strong enough to temper you a bit. Otherwise by the time I'm 50 I'll likely sleep through the whole thing. And while you like a passive woman, I'm sure you'd rather have a_ conscious_ passive bedmate."

"I prefer you conscious, active, _and_ enthusiastic." Sarek slipped his paired fingers over hers gently, sending the now familiar tingle down Amanda's spine. "Now that you have bravely fought the fires down, my wife, there is no longer a danger I might misinterpret your reactions."

Amanda smirked into his chest. "Does that mean I can be on top next time?"


	28. Rumors

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Amanda hissed.

Sarek raised an eyebrow at her. "The house needs to see that I haven't killed you."

They were moving very slowly down the corridor from their rooms trying to get to the eating hall and Amanda wasn't at all happy about it. Everything hurt and now that she didn't have a constant feed of naked desire blasting her through the bond, the pain had caught up to her. She was exhausted, stiff, and disinclined to company.

"Great, wonderful." Amanda huffed and stumbled on an uneven stone in the floor. "Sarek, I can't even walk! I'd really rather not be paraded around right now. It's undignified."

Sarek breathed out heavily in a not-quite sigh. "Amanda, they _know_ what you have been through."

"For a society that won't talk about it, I'm surprised you think nothing of looking at the aftermath. I'd expected to hide until the bruises disappeared and pretend nothing happened. This is _way_ too public an acknowledgement for _my_ comfort." Amanda clutched his arm for support. "I'm moving like an old woman. I think I pulled something. A lot of somethings."

Sarek put an arm around her back and took most of her weight. "You have not been in a household when anyone returns from the caves, have you?" he asked softly. "You are in better shape than many experienced females. Coming down to dinner will raise their estimation of you. You will gain the respect of many."

"We didn't go to the caves. Isn't this going to seem...odd? I mean, they've been seeing you. I'm the one that disappeared. It's a little backward."

Sarek stopped their forward movement and looked down at her. The near smile played at the corner of his mouth and Amanda sighed. "Right, they _know_. They figured out that we tricked the system or something. They don't know how we did it, only that it happened. And the room will be rife with silent speculation."

Sarek nodded. "It would be rude for anyone to ask. You will not have to field questions, Amanda."

She snorted. "T-Pau requested my presence this morning, Sarek. I'm not going to be answering questions, I'm going to get _interrogated_. And meanwhile all those people down there will be _staring at me!_"

They started moving forward again and Amanda sighed. "You can let me walk on my own. I'll make it. I don't want you embarrassed if anybody sees us."

"It is a service to me that caused your condition." Sarek replied softly. "It would be dishonorable if I were not to support you, in any fashion you require." He paused and Amanda could sense his struggle for words. "Your allowing me to...touch you, so soon after, it...means a great deal to me, Amanda. Walking in, together like this, will be a powerful symbol to my house and family. Believe what I tell you. It will do much for your position with them. You will be honored and trusted even more, considered a _most_ loyal bondmate."

"Great." Amanda sighed again and gave up arguing, leaning into his side letting him bear most of her weight. "But if you want to support me, find me an ice pack and a heating pad later. I've got to do something to loosen up these muscles."

Sarek nodded. "And a healer _will_ be by after breakfast to make sure you are undamaged."

"Poked, prodded, examined..." Amanda cursed under her breath. "The things I get myself into. Damn stupid curiosity and good will. I should know better."

Sarek let her vent under her breath until they'd reached the door to the eating hall. He silenced her with a look and Amanda did her best to straighten up. Her back protested and her calf and thigh muscles nearly refused to work, but she managed to unbend enough to look a little less like a feeble old woman. She kept her grip on Sarek's arm, however, just in case. He seemed pleased by this and Amanda steeled herself for what she knew was going to be a trying meal.

As soon as they crossed the threshold all conversation stopped. It wasn't polite in Vulcan society to stare but every eye in the room was trained on a reflection in a mirror or was peeking out from under a carefully arranged piece of hair, to watch them cross to their usual private table in the back. Amanda kept her head high as they made their slow progress.

She sat down carefully and Sarek pushed her chair up to the table and took a seat. Conversations started up again, this time hushed. _So much for not talking about it_. Amanda thought to herself. _They are all commenting on it, just not in so many words. It's all veiled, but by midnight tonight every bloody one of them is going to know about it._

Their breakfast came out via the usual serving girl. The young woman's eyes stayed on the floor but Amanda could see the slight blush to her cheeks. She set Amanda's plate down carefully and peeked up at Amanda for a moment, her dark eyes flittering to Sarek and back in silent question. Amanda gave her a tiny smile and got a small, nearly invisible one back in return. Sarek was momentarily distracted by one of his aides bringing his schedule and Amanda took the chance to say something to the girl before she left.

"What's your name?" Amanda asked softly. "You're here everyday but I'm afraid we've never been introduced."

"Varen." the girl replied in a whisper. "Lady," her eyes flickered back to where Sarek was still going over his morning schedule and back. "Will you...?" She swallowed nervously and Amanda realized how young she must be.

"Why don't you come see me later? We can talk." Amanda smiled softly. "I really do need a tour of this place and Sarek is far too busy to do it properly."

The girl's entire face relaxed. "It would be an honor to serve, T-Amanda. May I access your schedule for a time that is mutually convenient and will not interfere with my house duties?"

"Of course." Amanda replied just as Sarek turned his attention back to them. The girl dropped something surprisingly close to a curtsy and hurried away before the ambassador could question her.

"My wife, what did she want?"

Amanda took a bite of fruit before answering. "Who? Varen?" Sarek nodded and Amanda shrugged. "She's new here isn't she? Well, not as new as I am but she's not born of the house."

"You are correct. She is from one of our agricultural areas. She is betrothed to the son of one of my aides. We thought it best if she acclimated to the city life slowly. She moved here under T-Pau's supervision a month before you arrived." Sarek raised an eyebrow. "But that does not explain what she wanted. She was not rude, was she?"

"Heavens no!" Amanda denied quickly. "She didn't ask a thing, Sarek. You should know better. She's just...lonely I think. I'm new, she's new...I'm guessing from how everybody looks at her and her accent that she's considered a little...country. She probably feels about as alien as I am. Every time I see her she seems...alone. I asked her to give me a more in depth tour of the city and the grounds sometime later."

Sarek nodded. "Logical. It is good that you seek out the younger house members. They would benefit from your maturity."

Amanda coughed, her almost-orange juice going up her nose. "What!"

Sarek's eyes twinkled at her in hidden amusement. "Perhaps I spoke prematurely."

Amanda glared and Sarek casually picked up a piece of bread and slowly spread his favorite jelly. (Amanda called it jelly. He called it fortified nutrient paste.) "Amanda, you hold a position of high esteem in T-Lar's clan. Moving to this house does not change that fact. Indeed, you now hold a high position in this one."

Amanda raised her own eyebrow. "Human. Young. Non-Surak follower."

"True," Sarek acknowledged, "but you are my wife and you have...proven yourself capable of handling Vulcan society and culture." Sarek paused and surreptitiously glanced around to make sure no-one was close enough to hear them. "You will be less intimidating to them, Amanda. They may seek you out for...information. Information they feel uncomfortable asking another Vulcan. The reputation of your species will make them think you will be more amenable to answering their inquiries. Recent events will prove too tempting and they will seek you out."

Amanda took a slow breath. "How do you feel about that?"

Sarek tiled his head to the side as he thought about it. "It is not logical to withhold valuable information. I see no other way that others may benefit from our discoveries if you do not discuss it with those that are concerned enough to evade tradition and inquire." He paused. "However, I would prefer not to know about it."

"Or hear about it, see it, or otherwise be forced to acknowledge that it is taking place." Amanda offered, amused. "Got it."

Sarek ate his bread silently. When he finished he eyed Amanda critically. "I am not unintelligent, Amanda. T-Pau has...more information than I believed. You and she will coordinate these _discussions_. She would not appreciate you handling such delicate clan business without her guidance."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Amanda wiped her mouth with her napkin. "I imagine that's what my meeting with her this morning is about. Now, care to help me up all those stairs before I'm late for it?"

* * *

_A/N: I want to thank my new beta Naomi for the wonderful job she's been doing on the last few chapters. _

_Also, I want to thank all of you that have reviewed. Your feedback has been wonderful and very inspiring. Thank you._

_And before everyone starts thinking I'm wrapping the story up, let me assure you I'm no where near done. Unfortunately. (I have a lot of stories on my plate and I'd love to have this one finished.) Alas, this is not the case. There are several subplots that haven't made an appearance in a while and will be resurfacing now that the pesky pon farr is done. I have no idea how long it will take to wrap them up, but it will be several chapters at least. A lot of it depends on whether or not Sarek behaves himself and how annoying Shras decides to be._


	29. Embarrassment

Sometimes Amanda was convinced she'd fallen into an alternate universe.

The elderly matriarch started the interview by doing away with all pretense of respectability and demanded an in depth, blow-by-blow account of the last two weeks. T-Pau's forthright manner and imposing presence knocked Amanda for a loop and before she knew what was happening, she found herself stuttering through an uncomfortable recounting with T-Pau transcribing nearly every word onto thick antiquated paper.

T-Pau forced her to go over the last two weeks in detail, every encounter, every physical reaction, and every emotion. Amanda was certain that if T-Pau thought she'd allow it, the woman would ask for a meld. As it was, T-Pau made her recount everything multiple times and questioned every inconsistency.

Amanda sat there, eyes on the desk, blush heating her cheeks, and told her. Somehow it felt like her duty. She was part of this house now, part of Vulcan, and she had a duty, not only to Sarek, but also to the future of the clan. T-Pau's book and the experimentations that she and others like her had labored through had proved helpful to Amanda. The least she could do was to return to the favor. After all, chances were that a young T-Pau had once faced a similar debriefing.

That didn't stop Amanda from turning red just thinking about it. Her first sexual encounter with her husband was being recorded for generations to reference. And it wasn't like she could enjoy the anonymity of the others, oh no, she was _human _and that little fact would let all future generations know exactly whose tale it was. But with T-Pau pressuring her and the weight of the Vulcan culture and biology on her shoulders, Amanda felt she had no choice. She owed it to the ones to follow.

When she finished, Amanda looked up to find T-Pau staring at her. The elderly woman raised an eyebrow and pronounced the entire experience, "fascinating."

Amanda was beginning to hate that word.

Amanda sat in a daze as T-Pau went on to explain that much of what Amanda described was something close to the _plak tow_ that a small number of female Vulcans experienced, the ones that had the drive themselves. The matriarch theorized that something about Amanda's human drive had reacted to Sarek's and the result had been a kind of transference. She'd taken the brunt of the _pon farr_ for him. The drive accumulation he'd felt had not reached the level T-Pau would have expected, but Amanda's reactions, her loss of touch with reality, the black-outs, and her willingness to disregard physical needs and injury for mating, were indicative of a female Vulcan suffering her own drives.

Amanda wasn't sure how she felt about T-Pau's theory and stayed silent as the elder woman hypothesized. Her reactions during the last few weeks might have been some kind of triggered response though the bond, or it could be her own natural sexual needs. Hell, it could have been some odd allergic reaction to Vulcan sperm. It hardly mattered in any case.

They'd survived.

T-Pau was winding up for another round of theorizing when the door chimed. T-Pau stood up gracefully and answered the door to find a gray haired female healer accompanied by a nervous looking human doctor Amanda didn't recognize. He was wearing a Star Fleet uniform and insignia. The healer eyed Amanda appraisingly for a moment before murmuring to T-Pau in Vulcan. They'd looked for Amanda in her quarters, per Sarek's request, but when she wasn't there they'd checked her calendar and come looking for her. T-Pau nodded and waved them into the room.

"You will examine her in my presence." T-Pau stated with authority. "Amanda's position in the clan warrants my attention to her health."

There must have been some significance to the remark that Amanda was unaware of, because the Vulcan healer's eyebrow almost hit her hairline. The healer looked back and forth between the matriarch and Amanda. Her eyes were calculating and Amanda straightened unconsciously in her chair. Finally, the healer nodded and set down her bag.

"That is acceptable, so long as T-Amanda does not mind the invasion of her privacy."

Amanda sat up even straighter. The healer looked at her and quirked an eyebrow. "My duty is first to you, T-Amanda, and then to my clan mother. As a healer, your wellbeing is my first priority. In this your choice stands."

Amanda swallowed and eyed T-Pau. The woman looked murderous and Amanda shrank back a bit. "Ah...I think I'd better let her stay."

The healer let out a long breath. "You do not need to acquiesce. We can retire to your rooms."

Amanda shook her head. "No, it's alright. She'll find out one way or the other. Might as well save me the trouble of reciting it all back."

The healer's eyes lightened. "There is that." She motioned for Amanda to stand. "We will go to T-Pau's private quarters than. It is less...public."

They moved to a tapestry on the far wall and T-Pau pulled it back to reveal a doorway into what proved to be a large but Spartan chamber much like Amanda and Sarek's sitting room.

The healer motioned for Amanda to stand in the center of the room. She began to pull various scanners out of her bag and the human doctor took that as his cue to do so as well. It was only as she caught site of his nervous shaking hands that Amanda realized the entire exchange had been in Vulcan and that the man obviously couldn't speak it. He kept glancing up at her and back towards T-Pau, frowning.

The healer gave her human companion a terse reminder of why they were there. It was a vastly over simplified back-story and Amanda couldn't help but grin mischievously as it was told. Evidently she'd just 'voluntarily participated in an ancient Vulcan ritual' and the healers were there to insure no 'permanent harm due to differences in Vulcan/Human mating styles'. Amanda hadn't heard such an oversimplification since one of her students had said that WWIII had been 'rather nasty'.

The human doctor looked half-mortified and half-intrigued as the healer explained their purpose. He eyed Amanda with open curiosity and she shivered under his obvious disapproval. She knew he would question her if given the chance and Amanda looked towards T-Pau instinctively seeking some sort of assistance. The matriarch caught her meaning and nodded in response.

"You will not question the Lady Amanda about her experiences, Doctor, unless it is medically necessary. This is a private, _Vulcan_, matter." T-Pau said in flawless Standard. "You are here only to insure her health. Healer T-Velr has begun to familiarize herself with human biology but is not yet proficient." T-Pau turned to Amanda and switched back to Vulcan. "Healer T-Velr is my personal healer and is responsible for overseeing the clan's health." T-Pau paused. "She is also a consultant on certain research projects that I have undertaken."

Amanda nodded. "I had guessed that much." Amanda forced a smile. "Thank you, healer." She turned to the doctor and switched back to Standard, "And thank you, Doctor. I know the journey from the embassy must have been tiring. It is the dry season and the heat can be brutal if you aren't used to it."

He nearly dropped the scanner he was holding. "Ah...yes. It is." He eyed the two Vulcans nervously. "There have been rumors, Ms. Grayson. The Earth Ambassador has been trying to reach you."

"Has he?" Amanda smiled thinly. "Funny, I haven't heard from him once since I arrived back on Vulcan. After my experiences on the _Douglas_ I'd rather expected him to pay a visit. I wonder what has kept him? Granted, I have been...busy. He'll have to try harder to contact me, I suppose."

The doctor jerked back as if slapped before pulling himself together. "That he will, Ms. Grayson." The doctor pulled himself up to a military stance. "I'm sure he would like to debrief you _personally_ about your experiences." The doctor sneered. "I'll be giving him a full report." He paused, "Within the bounds of doctor-patient privilege of course."

"Of course." Amanda glared. "But since _I_ am the one who decides what is covered by that privilege, and not you or Earth, I'm not inclined to have you report _anything_ other than the fact that you saw me and that I am alive, well, perfectly happy, and not planning on returning to Earth any time soon."

They stared at each other coldly until T-Velr walked up and calmly started scanning her human patient. The doctor, who still hadn't introduced himself, fumbled with his own scanner before starting his own examination. Amanda held her head high and let them get on with it. They fussed about with various gizmos for what seemed like an eternity before T-Velr pronounced her healthy. The human doctor huffed and insisted they do a pelvic exam, claiming his scanners weren't sensitive enough to replace a 'good old fashioned exam'.

Amanda sputtered. "What!" She backed up and away from him, unconsciously lining herself up with two Vulcan women. "No way in hell. I haven't had a pelvic in years, not since they invented those scanners. There's no need for one and if I did need one, I'd ask her to do it." She pointed at T-Velr and crossed her arms defensively across her chest. "You have the bedside manner of a Neanderthal and enough ulterior motives to fill a warehouse."

"Madam, I am under orders from the Earth Embassy to ensure that you are well." He eyed the two alien women with open hostility. "When they requested a human doctor for you, we knew it was something bad. I know there are charges outstanding against you, but whatever it is _they_ are doing to you has to be worse. Come back with me. They've obviously been abusing you!" He held up his scanner results and pointed at the various areas showing healing injuries. "You cannot say this was voluntary. It's unnatural what you've been through, whatever it was. You can't have enjoyed it."

Amanda huffed. "Anything I do with my _husband_ is my business and I'll not have you laying judgment on it. And I enjoyed myself quite thoroughly, and repeatedly, thank you very much." Amanda glared. "Now hand those readings over to T-Velr and get the hell out of here."

"Your husband?" The man squeaked. "They didn't tell me you'd _married_ a Vulcan."

"Did they tell you I'd traded my body for their protection from Earth authorities?" Amanda laughed harshly. "Tell that pompous bastard that calls himself Earth's ambassador that he can kiss my ass."

The two Vulcan women seemed to find the exchange amusing and gave the doctor a wide berth as he gathered his things. As he was walking out T-Velr grabbed his bag. "Your instruments will be returned after I have wiped the memory banks." He glared at her and started to protest. He didn't get the chance. Two of T-Pau's 'secretaries' arrived and escorted him physically out of the room. Amanda was vastly amused that all the 'secretaries' were six foot two and built like line backers.

After they'd left, T-Velr pronounced Amanda bruised, under nourished, a little dehydrated, and suffering from exhaustion. All "sensitive locations" were healing. T-Velr eyed Amanda carefully. "I suggest you refrain from...exercise...for a few weeks." She paused, "Or perhaps a month."

She eyed Amanda carefully for a few more moments before pulling T-Pau to the side to confer. Amanda itched to eavesdrop but the conversation was pitched low and she could only make out a few words.

When they returned T-Pau looked rather smug. "Amanda, the healer requests a meld with you to confirm you have suffered no damage from the prolonged mental contact during the fires. After your experiences carrying a _katra_ she feels you may be more vulnerable to damage."

Amanda raised her own eyebrow. "Then why didn't she ask me?"

T-Pau sat down in one of the armchairs and waved her hand dismissively. "She did not know if you would take the suggestion well. You were rather...brisk with the human healer. His examination would not have been as _invasive _as what she is suggesting. On Vulcan, mental examinations are considered more personal than physical."

T-Velr nodded. "I did not know how you would react to the suggestion. Many Vulcan females would object to a meld, or a physical exam, this soon after. I am...unfamiliar with humans. You did not take the human doctor's suggestion well and I did not want to ask and upset you unduly." The healer cautiously moved closer. "This is a trying time for bondmates, T-Amanda. I am here to assist you, not make you uncomfortable."

"He wanted to poke and prod me for his own ends. So far you've been...kind. I'll trust you over him at the moment." Amanda sighed. "Alright, if you both feel it's necessary, I'll let you do the meld. I don't particularly like the idea of having you in my head, but I understand why you might want to make sure. I've never been awake for a healer's meld. What's it like?"

"You should not notice me." The healer said gently. "I just want to check the state of your bond, make sure there is no damage to your mental processes. You are the first human to experience these things, T-Amanda. I am only concerned with your well being." She paused and sent a heavy look towards T-Pau. "Healers also have an oath to their patients. I will not reveal what I see unless you give me permission." T-Pau looked displeased but the Healer held her ground.

Somehow, Amanda believed her more than the human. She gave a quick nod of consent and tried to stay calm as the healer approached her slowly and laid her fingers on the meld points. "My mind to your mind, my thoughts..."

Amanda felt an odd sense of pressure inside her head. It wasn't unpleasant, but it _was_ rather invasive. She tried not to fight it but by the time the healer withdrew Amanda was gripping the arms of the chair for all it was worth.

The healer looked a little unsettled. "Your bond is quite strong for its age and your mind appears undamaged." She paused. "Have you had any training in the mind arts, T-Amanda?"

"No." Amanda frowned. "Why?"

The healer looked towards T-Pau and back at Amanda for her permission to continue. Amanda nodded and the healer took a deep breath. "You were able to detect my presence and your instinctive reaction was to shield yourself. You were able to control this, but barely. I did not expect to find such ability in a human. I was led to believe your people were virtually psi null."

Amanda let out a long unsteady breath. "People keep telling me that."

* * *

_A/N: I had someone point out in a review that it was very weird for Sarek to be having sex with Amanda while she was unconscious. Well, it's supposed to be weird. I wanted you to find it...odd, and weird, and uncomfortable to think about. Too may stories gloss over the cultural and biological differences there would have to be between species. Sarek doesn't find it odd at all. The fact that Amanda has adjusted is testimony to how unusual and remarkable a woman she'd have to be to marry into another SPECIES. One of my goals with this story is to explore some of the possible problems and differences they would discover along the way. There will be times where something will happen that according to Western standards, and human standards, we would object. Sometimes Amanda will as well. Sometimes, like this one, she accepts it or at least doesn't protest. To quote Dr. Who, it's a different kind of morality. _


	30. Purpose

"You look like hell."

Amanda groaned and gripped the wall for balance. "Shras, go _away_!"

The Andorian grinned, his pointed teeth gleaming in the Vulcan sunlight. His newly re-grown antenna twitched. "No." He smirked and took her arm to steady her. "You can hardly stand. Come on, I'll get you back to your rooms."

"Damn healer," Amanda muttered. "She kept running test after test. I'm exhausted. My bruises have bruises and the pain meds I took this morning have worn off."

"We'll get you nice and drugged up when we get to your rooms, Shras soothed. "I was waiting for you there, but when you didn't come back from your meeting with T-Pau on time I came looking. I saw the healer and the human doctor. I would have thought they'd have escorted you back."

Amanda sighed as Shras keyed her door open. "T-Pau offered to have one of her secretaries carry me back."

Shras snorted. "You'd crawl first."

"I almost did." Amanda let out a grateful sigh as Shras settled her on the cushions in her front room. "I was going to call Sarek, but T-Pau said he was in negotiations. It's only two floors and a couple corridors. I shouldn't be so tired."

Shras' antenna twitched. "Amanda, you are remarkably driven, and remarkably stupid. You're done in. It doesn't take a healer to see that. This is your first day out of these rooms in weeks. I'm surprised you're standing. Now, where are your medications?"

Amanda waved him towards the bathroom and Shras came back with a stack of pills. He gave her the muscle relaxers and the pain medication and forced her to take a dose of tri-ox on top of it. "You're in no condition to be fighting the air too." He muttered and fluffed her pillow for good measure.

Amanda sat there unmoving until the medication kicked in. She finally cracked an eye open to glare at her employer. "What are you doing here anyway? I'm not really an employee of yours anymore."

"Can't a friend pay a surprise visit?"

Amanda snorted. "You climbed in the window again, didn't you?"

Shras grinned evilly. "Such a lack of security in these homes. I thought they were supposed to be fortresses. I could have killed half the house and gotten out again with no-one the wiser."

"Plan your assassinations far away from me, Shras." Amanda stretched awkwardly. "I feel like I was hit by a space liner."

"That is about the most endearing description of Sarek I've ever heard." Shras ducked as Amanda threw a pillow at his head. "But I did have a reason for coming." He paused for a moment, antenna twitching. "Although, technically you _are_ still in my employ. You wouldn't happen to have any Intel for me would you? After all, you are _deep_ undercover."

"Shras," Amanda warned. "Do NOT go there. I may look tired, but I've got enough energy to strangle you."

"Pity. Can't blame a Andorian for trying." He pulled a PADD out of his vest and set it down on the table. "I know that doctor was from the Earth embassy," he said, changing the subject. "They'd already searched here for you once and T-Pau ran them off, that was during your...seclusion. They searched T-Lar's home this week. When T-Pau called in the Earth doctor it set off alarm bells. The warrants out on you have been increased. There is talk about petitioning the Federation to extradite you."

Amanda groaned. "I've got diplomatic immunity."

"Only since you 'married' Sarek. They are claiming these acts pre-date the immunity and they are using a little-known clause in the founding documents to try and pressure the Vulcan government. I doubt T-Pau and Sarek will give in, but Earth is starting to fight dirty. My government isn't happy about my siding with Vulcan on this. They may order me to vote with Earth. That will leave Vulcan alone against two of the other founding members. This isn't good, Amanda."

Shras took a deep breath. "We've also got another problem. Your cousin is here. I've got him holed up in my embassy under the pre-text of paperwork and forms. But word is starting to spread that you're here, with Sarek. Rumors are beginning to fly. Adam won't sit still for long and I'm not sure you want to explain your current condition to him."

Amanda started blankly for a moment before cursing fluently in Andorian. Shras chuckled. "I see we've been spending too much time together."

Amanda groaned and leaned back heavily into the cushions. "The universe hates me."

"Indeed, than I must have done something remarkable to gain its favor." Sarek's amused voice filtered through the doorway and Amanda groaned again in response.

"How long have you been standing there?" she asked.

"Long enough to know the two of you have been keeping things from me." Sarek sat down next to Shras and let out a quiet sigh. "I've been reviewing the matter of your Federation citizenship and the charges Earth laid against you. It would seem the problem has escalated while I was...indisposed." He raised an eyebrow at Shras.

The Andorian shrugged and grinned unrepentedly. "What can I say, we didn't want to worry you. Amanda and I have had it under control. Not to mention, T-Pau seems to be on our side."

Sarek's mouth turned down slightly. "I fail to find that comforting. Do you happen to have a plan?"

Shras' antenna laid back. "Not exactly. Her cousin seems to be full of ideas, none of which are likely to work."

"Adam's good," Amanda interjected, "But he's got to work within Earth law. We don't have that problem."

"We don't?" Shras cocked his head to the side. "So does that mean you'd condone me simply blackmailing them into dropping these charges? I'd be quite happy to get to work on that."

"No." Amanda stood up slowly and took a deep steadying breath. "We're not going to stoop to their level. We are going to do something far more frightening to them."

Sarek's eyebrow rose. "And what, my wife, is that?"

Amanda smiled darkly. "Power to the people, Sarek. Power to the people."


	31. Secrets

"I am not sure this is a good idea." Sarek frowned at Amanda as she sorted through the wardrobe, throwing items over her shoulder at an alarming rate. "I fail to see how this could possibly work."

Shras snorted from the doorway as he leaned against the frame, not quite in the bedroom but close enough to irritate Vulcan sensibilities. "Of course you don't. It's a perfectly marvelous _human_ plan. Totally above a Vulcan."

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "So you understand what she intends?"

"Not in the least." Shras grinned wider. "But I'm willing to concede that I'm not the resident expert on human machinations. I'll have to give that honor to the only human in the room."

"Two humans."

Amanda turned to stare at the unexpected voice and cringed before purposefully ignoring the new comer and turning back to her task.

Adam pushed past Shras and glared at Amanda's rear end where it poked out of the wardrobe, two house guards hot on his heels. "When were you planning on telling me you _married_ him!"

Shras sighed. "I told you to stay in the embassy, not come barging into the head clan's ancestral house." He hung his head as if in pain. "Gods, the paperwork this will cause me..." Sarek said nothing but motioned for the guards to stay back.

Amanda ducked out and glared. "Haven't had the time to call, Adam. By the way, I'm married. And there are arrest warrants out for me. How's your month been?" She turned to look at the guards standing in her bathroom ready to grab the two intruders and sighed. "They're with me. Forgive them both their lack of manners. They were born in barns." She waved them off and at Sarek's nod they backed out of the couple's quarters looking confused.

Shras snorted and Adam growled then paled as he got his first good look at her.

"Amanda, what the HELL happened to you?"

Amanda sighed, ducking back into the wardrobe. "I know I had the prefect dress. I saw it the other day. T-Lar had it in the back of my closet at her place. I should never have let you lot pack for me. Nothing makes any sense in here!"

Adam made a move to enter the bedroom proper and Sarek stepped forward to block his path. "It is customary that no one enters the sleep quarters other than immediate family members."

"I _am_ her family." Adam glared. "What did you do to her? Isn't it enough that you've got Earth out for her blood, did you have to beat her to hell as well?"

"I'm fine, Adam." Amanda called out, her voice muffled by the clothes hanging in her way. "You can look at the medical report if you don't believe me. Just a little bruising."

"From what?" Adam crossed his arms. "You've got 10 seconds to explain before I physically drag you back to Earth and hide you in my basement."

"It's a root cellar with a large Michigan wall and lots of mud and I'm not hiding in it." Amanda immerged triumphant holding out a rather harsh looking dress in front of her. "Found it."

"That?" Adam cringed. "Didn't you wear that to defend your dissertation?"

"It's my intimidation dress, and yes, I did." Amanda laid the garment out on the bed and went back to pull out the matching heels. "It makes me feel...battle ready."

Sarek eyed the dress curiously. "It does not appear to be a military uniform."

"It takes all kinds, Sarek." Amanda added a matching set of rather racy underwear to the stack causing all three males to blush in their respective colors. She ignored them. "It fits like a glove, looks like a million on, hints at all the important bits, but is completely respectable. It's a power dress and it took Kathy and I months to find it. It's perfect for situations where I need a little confidence boost."

"Black lace gives you confidence?" Shras asked in a high voice. "I do not understand Earth women."

"Join the club." Adam shook his head in wonder. "You think a power dress and skimpy knickers are going to win this?"

"You don't know my plan." Amanda smirked. "It's fool proof."

"You are not sleeping with Earth's entire administration." Adam rubbed his temple.

Amanda snorted. "As if that would work. No, I'm going to surprise them and go right for the jugular. They think they targeted a mild mannered academic? There's a reason why dictators _kill us first_."

Amanda shoed the group back out to the main room and sat down wearily in a chair. "Look, there has got to be a reason they are doing this. I'm nobody. If this had started after Sarek and I married I could see them doing something like this, but Earth started all of this nonsense prior to that. I was just an underemployed academic with a couple unremarked research articles and some field experience. I wasn't worth their time or attention. Yet they started in after me. Why?"

Adam's eyes scrunched in confusion. "You've been vocal in your opposition to some of their programs."

"Yeah, me and a billion other people. Why come after me? What's in it for them?" Amanda shifted uncomfortably on the seat and Sarek wordlessly handed her another pill and a glass of water. "Thanks." She mumbled before popping the pill and continuing. "I've been thinking about this for months, Adam. There has got to be a hidden agenda here. I want to know what it is." She frowned. "We've been playing into their hands, somehow. They didn't up the arrest warrant until they found out I was married to Sarek. All of a sudden they go nuts. Normally if they found out the victim of their attentions was suddenly far more connected they'd at least pause. But instead they've upped the ante. It has to mean something. When this goes public the media will have a hay day with it."

"It already has." Adam sighed and shook his head. "When they issued the arrest warrant for treason they announced you'd defected to Vulcan and married. It's a mess out there, Mandy. The only reason you haven't heard anything is because of Vulcan's privacy mores. Nobody dares ask you about it and from the looks of things you've been too busy to catch the news."

Amanda frowned. "It still doesn't make sense. Why risk alienating Vulcan now of all times? The Federation is still new, unsteady. They are risking destabilizing the entire thing with this nonsense. I'm certainly not worth all this!"

Shras nodded. "It does seem odd that you would have been singled out. And for them to continue this even after you are under Vulcan protection is absurd. The fact that Sarek and I have both came to your defense should have been enough to drive them off, but it has only intensified their efforts. After T-Pau came on board the charges got even more outlandish and harsh."

Amanda nodded. "Right. They _want_ you to back me. They _want _Andoria and Vulcan to side with me on this issue. Why? What could they possibly gain by having this become a diplomatic incident? We're playing into their hands somehow."

Sarek's forehead scrunched. "I believe you may be correct. I reviewed all the documents relating to this issue this morning and had a brief meeting with one of Earth's liaisons to Vulcan. They insist that you be returned to Earth for trial. What was a simple case of allocation evasion has turned into treason. There is no cause for such an escalation in charges, not when you have only had contact with Federation members and you have no special knowledge of your government's workings. You have held no classified positions within Earth government and have had no access to restricted intelligence. There is nothing of value for you to use to commit treason _with_."

"Right." Amanda took a deep breath. "Which means this isn't about me. This isn't about what I did. This is a move in a larger game and I need to find out what that game is. So far everything we've done has played into their hands. They want the publicity."

"I have already met with Earth's liaison and learned nothing." Sarek insisted. "Your cousin has been attempting to learn more on Earth since this began. Even Shras has been unable to infiltrate their plans and his methods are usually enlightening if ethically questionable."

"Yes, but I haven't had a go at it." Amanda closed her eyes and sighed. "Look, my family is...good at this sort of thing."

"Amanda." Adam warned. "You can't be serious. It's just a family story, to amuse kids and get them to go to bed. You can't stake your future on it."

Amanda rubbed tiredly at her forehead. "Do we have a choice?"

Sarek looked back and forth between the two in confusion. "What is it you are discussing?"

Amanda waved at Adam, letting him explain.

"How up on Earth history are you?" Adam asked softly.

Shras' antenna twitched. "Better informed than most humans, in my experience. Sarek and I made it a point to learn all we could of your people years ago. It seemed wise given your growing presence and influence."

Adam sighed. "Yeah, we're spreading pretty fast. We're good at that." He bit his lip and looked to Amanda for conformation. She nodded at him to continue. "During our Third World War there were...experiments. You've probably heard about the Eugenics movement and the Super Humans. What you probably don't know about is all the smaller...fiddling. There were extensive experiments that lead up to final product. Smaller, secret experiments, the products of which were impossible to trace or test for. When the Eugenics War ended there were massive screenings to detect anyone with altered DNA, but the smaller, more subtle, victims of experimentation went undetected. Or at least that's what the conspiracy nuts like to think."

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "Your family was... 'fiddled' with?"

Adam nodded solemnly. "We think so. There's no way to know for sure. If we were, it wasn't the kind experiments that ended in a noticeable difference. Prior to the eugenics campaigns it was all about minor increases in intelligence, or stamina, or extra-sensory perception. It's probably just family legend, but the story goes that several generations back one of our ancestors volunteered for a government backed experiment in the last category, involving mutated stem cells. According to historians these experiments were all failures and ended abruptly when the geneticists managed to create the super humans and the Eugenics Wars began. Family myth is that great-great-great-whatever was dismissed from the military when the experiment lost funding. They thought they'd failed, but with each generation the DNA manipulations have progressed. While there was no noticeable difference in the original test subjects, the results began to appear in later off spring. By the time the family realized what was going on there was a witch hunt out for altered humans and for obvious reasons they weren't about to advertise."

"It was centuries ago." Amanda added quietly. "By the time it was safe to look, there were no records left in existence, only blue prints for long gone research facilities and family stories. My grandmother had a doctor look into it, but other than slightly irregular brain waves he couldn't find anything amiss. Nothing's off in our DNA, like with the eugenics subjects, so as far as science is concerned it's just a colorful story. But there are some...subtle differences that are difficult to explain."

"Such as?" Shras questioned, his antenna twitching.

"Mostly related to language acquisition and retention." Amanda shrugged. "There's a reason I'm good at what I do and why my father had the same talent. It literally runs in the family. The altered brain patterns are all located in the language centers. I volunteered for a language and brain study when I was at university to check grandmother's findings and I've got the same irregularities, only they appear more pronounced. There's a lot more activity in certain portions of my cerebral cortex than are normal for a human. But nothing _too_ abnormal, nothing that looks too unusual. According to the researcher that did the exam, he's seen this before in people with high language acquisition abilities. That was why he wanted to do the study. He thinks it's a natural phenomena, but when I looked into the family histories of some of the other study subjects I found nearly all of them could trace at least one ancestor to the military base where the original experiments were supposed to have been carried out."

Sarek's eyebrow arched. "Are there are other symptoms?"

Amanda wrapped her arms protectively around herself. "Nothing we can be sure of."

Adam shifted nervously on the couch. "There's a lot of us that have...persuasive personalities."

"Meaning?" Shras leaned back and grinned wickedly.

"We have a tendency to...get our way." Amanda whispered. "It's what makes Adam so lucky in court. It's subtle and almost no one can do it intentionally."

"Gran could." Adam sighed. "It was unnerving. Damn close to hypnosis. I've never had the same talent. And as far as I'm aware Amanda has even less. Normally we manifest the language talent or the persuasion, not both. My guess is it's centered in another section of the brain, but we don't dare investigate _that_. The anti-eugenics laws are still in place and even now we'd be hunted down if anyone guessed that we had this sort of ability."

"No one knows about this, so it can't be why Earth's after me, and if it was they'd be after Adam as well, but they aren't. Both talents seem to be stronger under pressure. If I can get in there and influence the Earth Ambassador, I've got a shot at finding out the real reason they are doing this." Amanda insisted. "And I've got a few other things going for me."

Sarek's forehead crinkled. "This could explain your ability to carry a _katra_ as well as the strength of our bond. It is possible that your scientists awakened a latent telepathic talent in your family line. It is common for untrained telepaths to unconsciously influence others when under emotional duress and many show increased language affinity. Since the Vulcan healers are not use to human minds and believed your kind psi null it is conceivable they would have missed any talent you possess. Your own human doctors would not know the true significance of the altered brain wave patterns without having studied other telepaths. I had already theorized that you had some psi ability based on our early interactions, but I had assumed it was minimal, perhaps the budding of a new talent in your species. If this is an engineered ability it may not register with standard tests and I may not be looking for the right signs to gauge your strength. It is possible you could have considerable talent if properly trained."

"Which we don't have time for and your ethics would never allow her to use her ability to directly influence." Shras sighed. "But if she's untrained, and you don't know _for sure_ she's got this ability, than you are not morally obligated to try and stop her."

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "A convenient take on logic. However, I am still disinclined to allow this plan. In order to confront, and attempt to influence, the Earth ambassador, Amanda would have to enter the Embassy. Once inside she would be under Earth jurisdiction. I would be unable to extract her without a full assault on the complex."

"But they can't remove me from Vulcan without your government's permission." Amanda smirked. "The most they can do is hold me in custody here. Eventually they'd have to let me go. Meanwhile, the press won't have anything to yammer on about. I'll be in custody, but there's no scheduled trial. The uproar over our marriage will die down quickly enough. Give it a month or two and nobody will care or remember it. Whatever this is about they want the press attention. So long as you and Shras don't make a big deal over it and let it die down they'll eventually tire of the game and let me go."

"You plan to wait them out?" Shras snorted. "You don't have the patience for that sort of thing."

"I intend to go in there and question him. Use my mojo to weasel the intel out of him and get out." Amanda crossed her arms and glared. "Waiting him out is the backup plan."

"You can't go alone." Adam interjected. "Even Great-great-grandma Nadia didn't have enough oomph to get information out of a reluctant opponent and then escape a hostile environment. And she was KGB!"

"I'll wear a wire." Amanda looked towards Shras. "Something they won't expect and won't register on any scans. That way if he spills anything you all can hear and take action even if I'm held."

"This is not some movie where the villain spills his guts to the super hero, outlines his evil plot, and get's taken down!" Adam stood up and started pacing. "This is real life, Amanda. You don't know what this man is capable of. I've seen him in action before. He's good. Real good. Whatever he and his friends are up to it's not healthy to be in their way."

"I know." Amanda sighed softly. "But do we have a choice? I can't let this become a diplomatic incident, Adam. It would play into his hands and damage the relationship between three key Federation planets. It would destabilize the alliance, something too fragile and new to risk for something as petty as one woman's freedom. I won't cause a sensation if I can help it, and since they are hell bent on forcing me into one, my options are limited. Can any of you think of a better plan?"

Sarek and Shras looked at one another and than back at Amanda. Sarek moved to her side and took her hands gently into his. "Allow us some time to plan, my wife. I have only had you for a little while. I do not relish even a short separation."

"I'd miss you too, Sarek." Amanda replied softly, squeezing his hands. "I'll miss you too."


	32. Revelations

Amanda brushed her hair until it shown and pulled the short strands up into a small bun. It wasn't one of the elaborate hair styles Vulcan high born women preferred, but it was as close as she could get with her current length. Sighing, she checked her dress one more time in the mirror. The bruises were still visible on her arms and neck but the ¾ length sleeves helped to hide the worst of them. In all, Amanda thought they added somewhat to the image. She looked like she was going into battle, had in fact already survived one, and wasn't likely to be intimidated by the next. The black fabric and her severe hairstyle would immediately tell the Earth ambassador she meant business.

She carefully placed the comb from Shras in her hair, just in case, and then pinned the small matching brooch to her lapel. The latest in Andorian intelligence wear, the small pin contained a state of the art listening device that not even Vulcan Security Force equipment could detect. T-Lar had double checked it for them. Shras' government would have his hide if they knew he'd allowed the Vulcans access to their top-secret technology. Of course, Vulcan would have T-Lar's head if they found out she'd had it, let it go, and not kept a single research note.

It had taken a week to convince the others that Amanda's plan was the only viable one. Shras' resources could not unravel the plot, Sarek and the Vulcan government had no luck trying to negotiate, and Adam had run out of legal options. It was either accept exile, turn herself in, or make the attempt to weasel the information out of the Ambassador.

Two of T-Pau's nastiest looking 'secretaries' were waiting down stairs to accompany Amanda to the Earth Embassy. Sarek had managed to arrange another meeting, but as far as Jeremy Smidler was aware, it was to be a meeting of Ambassadors. Amanda's presence, and new official diplomatic status, would be a surprise. T-Pau had gotten the Vulcan Council to issue her temporary status as an assistant ambassador to the Federation on behalf of Vulcan. If Earth decided to hold her, the fall out would be massive. The new title gave her the ability to negotiate on behalf of Vulcan and was leaps and bounds above the simple diplomatic immunity granted to the wife of an ambassador. Amanda wasn't happy about Sarek and T-Pau's maneuverings. If what she suspected was true, Ambassador Smidler might very well _want_ the fall out.

Amanda stepped out of the bathroom into their bedroom to find Sarek waiting for her, a grim expression in his eyes. "You are still set on this course?"

"I've never been one to back down from a challenge." Amanda smiled softly. "Don't wait up."

Sarek frowned slightly. "You intend to be gone past night fall?"

"It's an expression." Amanda walked closer and held out her paired fingers. "I promise I'll be careful. You've got access to Shras' listening device, I've got two guards, and an emergency transponder beacon. There's no other precaution we can take."

Sarek touched his fingers to hers slowly, running his down onto her palm slowly. "Be careful, my wife."

Ambassador Smidler was a slightly underweight and very unpleasant example of the human species. Amanda had had the pleasure of meeting him once before, years ago before he'd attained his current position. He'd been an early advocate for the allocations system and Amanda had gone to one of his lectures. His arguments had seemed highly idealistic at the time, and more than a little naive. Amanda had discounted him as a two-bit politician and thought no more of him until he'd been appointed to replace the Earth Ambassador after his death during the attack on the _Douglas_.

Her first impression all those years ago hadn't been harsh enough, Amanda decided, as she walked into the room. The small man greeted her from behind a massive oak desk that made his skinny body look even smaller by comparison. The lavish style of the office, full of expensive imported furniture grated on her senses. The sheer cost of shipping such a desk to Vulcan was astronomical and the water it would take in the air humidifiers to keep the wood from drying out was mind boggling. Amanda knew for a fact that the Earth Embassy wasn't using the water conservation units standard in Vulcan HVAC systems, opting instead for a less effective experimental system based on human designs. She really hated to see their water bill.

Smidler's glare at the sight of her and the two guards was harsh. His thin lips became even thinner and the vein above his left eye pulsed. Amanda smiled coolly in response.

"Amanda Grayson. I was expecting your husband."

Amanda slowly sat down in the seat across from him, not waiting for an invitation. Her two guards took up position on either side. "I am here acting on Vulcan's behalf. The appointment was ambassador to ambassador, Mr. Smidler. No name was given. If you made an assumption, than it was an error."

Smidler frowned. "There is an arrest warrant out for you."

Amanda raised an eyebrow. "I am aware. Vulcan is aware. That would be the subject of this visit."

Smidler laced his fingers together. "You're turning yourself in, then?"

"Hardly." Amanda smiled thinly. "We both know the purpose behind your actions has nothing to do with me. My guess is you chose me at random and I've accidently played into your plans. What I'm unsure of is how and what the ultimate purpose is." Amanda leaned back in her chair and pitched her voice carefully, staring hard into Smidler's eyes. "Let me in on it, Ambassador, and we may be able to reach an agreement. I no longer have a personal stake in the outcome of the allocation system one way or another. The only thing I care about it is retaining my citizenship and avoiding the hassle your pesky arrest warrants will make."

Smidler shook his head as if to clear it. "What makes you think there's a conspiracy behind this? You broke the law and went out of the allocations system without a waver. The charges are valid."

Amanda leaned forward. "We both know there's more to this."

Smidler blinked. "Tell the guards to leave."

Amanda shook her head. "They only speak Vulcan. Our conversation is safe. They are here at T-Pau's insistence to insure that when I wish to leave, I do so unmolested."

Smidler considered for a long moment. "I could arrest you, but T-Pau would never allow us to leave Vulcan space with you. Your current situation is gaining considerable press, but it can only last so long."

Amanda nodded. "My point exactly. All I have to do is lie low for a year or two and they'll forget all about this. Whatever publicity you were counting on will be gone. I'm prepared to be patient if necessary."

Smidler's eyes narrowed. "You aren't easily manipulated are you, Ms. Grayson?"

"Never have been." Amanda leaned back again casually. "It's up to you. Take a chance that I might join you, or risk losing your press coverage. Choice is yours. I have no pressing need to return to Earth and Vulcan has welcomed me. I've no reason to fear Earth extradition. Now that I have both diplomatic status and Vulcan citizenship the charges you've brought against me are annoying, but not life altering."

Smidler snorted. "What will keep me from giving you the information and you running to the press yourself?"

"Without proof?" Amanda sighed. "Without proof, Ambassador, it is my word against yours. Since only one of us is currently wanted for treason I'll leave it to you as to who would be believed. Your own people searched me. I've no recording devices. My two guards don't understand English and even if they did, who would believe a Vulcan in this matter over the Earth Ambassador?" Amanda let out a heavy breath. "The most I could do would be rally a few left-wing academics to protest. I will admit that was my first instinct, but in the end a protest wouldn't do more than give you additional publicity."

"You do have a history of protesting things."

Amanda's eyed narrowed. "You're rather counting on that aren't you? What are you up to?"

Smidler gave a small shake. "I really don't have anything to lose, do I?"

He smiled. "It's simple really. I want to bring an end to this madness Earth's gotten itself into. The Allocations system as they've designed it isn't working, they've corrupted my original idea and bastardized it. They turned what was supposed to be a logical pay scale into a Socialist system that would make Lenin proud. There are several of us in the government that would like to end it. But we need a figurehead, someone that shows the evil of the system, a regular person caught in the maniacal grip of a heartless socialist machine. Many people like the new system. They are guaranteed a certain minimal lifestyle. They don't want to give that up. But they haven't _earned _it. If this continues the human race will stagnate. Evolution has to be driven by conflict, by need. This system has taken away any reason people had to work for success, to strive, to _grow_."

Amanda frowned. "But why go after me for bucking the system if you want to overthrow it?"

Smidler leaned forward. "Because, Amanda, you'll make a wonderful fear tactic." He smiled thinly. "What are you? You're nothing more than a simple teacher. You couldn't pay for your family's home without breaking the system, a home that's been in your family for generations. So you broke the _bad, evil_ law to save your family's estate. Heart rending isn't it? And what happens? You get forced to work for foreign governments, end up with no choice but to look outside your species for help. It was a great story, the right mix of pity and fear, it could happen to anybody. It would have grabbed the public, they'd have sympathized with you. And now you make it so much better."

Amanda shook her head in confusion. "How?"

"You fell in _love_." Smidler made it sound like a sickness. "You fell in love with a _Vulcan_. A ranking member of what amounts to their royal family. It's like a fairytale story. It's gained their attention on a fundamental level, like a Disney epic. Now the horrible Earth government wants to take you away from him, they've trumped up ridiculous charges to make you an example. The harder the pro-allocation faction tries to vilify you, the more the public turns to your side. And even the skeptics, the cynical ones that think it's impossible to love a Vulcan, they will be horrified thinking you've prostituted yourself in order to escape the harsh life the allocation system offered."

"Only the pro-allocation faction isn't behind this, are they? It's really you and your cronies trying to bring it all crashing down."

Smidler smirked. "Doesn't matter, really. The pro-allocation people _look_ like they are behind it. And appearances, Amanda, are all that really matter in politics."


	33. Conniving

Sarek met her at the door to their home with Shras and Adam just behind him looking grim. The two Vulcan guards were thanked and dismissed curtly, before Sarek ushered the group silently towards the couple's private quarters. Amanda walked towards their apartments in something of a daze. The last few minutes of her conversation with the Earth ambassador were a jumbled mess in her head, bits and pieces rising to the surface to plague her. After Ambassador Smidler's confession to the plot, she'd made the appropriate comments, agreed to aid his plan, and made as swift an exit as she could.

Sarek opened the door to their rooms and they all slipped inside. Amanda gripped the back of the sofa tightly and lowered herself carefully onto the cushions as soon as she stepped into the living room. Sarek handed her a glass of water, but she didn't drink it. Her hand was shaking too much to attempt it.

"Well, that answered all my questions." Adam said softly, breaking the silence as he moved to sit down opposite her.

"You were all listening?" Amanda questioned. "I don't need to repeat any of it, do I?"

Shras' antenna laid back. "We heard."

Sarek took the glass back before she could spill it, replacing it with his own hand. Amanda gripped it tightly. "What am I going to do?" She asked softly, looking into his eyes.

Sarek's gaze was as solid and sure as ever. "You are going to hold a press conference in a week's time."

Adam shook his head. "What good would that do? They want press coverage."

Sarek's eyes took on a positively menacing gleam. "Yes, so when Amanda tells Smidler what she is doing, he'll gladly back her move."

Shras bared his teeth. "You can't be planning on _helping_ that...that..." he swore in Andorian and fingered his sheathed blade. "We cannot play into his plans. He's using Amanda and I will not stand for it."

"Nor I." Sarek stood up, still gripping Amanda's hand, causing her to have to reach above her to maintain the contact. "But as Smidler so coldly informed her, appearances are everything. She must _appear_ to be a willing player in his machinations. At least, for a time. We need him to believe we are aiding him in order to achieve our ultimate goal."

Amanda shivered. "I can't help him do this, Sarek. I may not like how the allocations system is working right now, but it's necessary. We're creating a basic standard of living for all humanity. If we want to stay a leading member in the Federation, it's a necessity. Andoria, Vulcan, even the Tellerites, all have something similar. We'll be considered backward if we don't take care of our own. We might even lose our place on the Council."

"Correct," Sarek agreed, sitting back down next to her and pulling her hands into his lap. "But Amanda, what part of the system is a problem? Is it the minimal standard of living? The guaranteed housing? The food programs or the health care or the educational system?"

"No." Amanda hesitated. "It's really the pay scales. They aren't realistic and there's no consideration for educational requirements or supply and demand..." she trailed off, realization dawning. "Smidler was behind the pay allocation system. It's the only thing he wants to keep. He thinks the rest is too much like socialism, is socialism. All he wanted was to regulate monetary compensation!"

Sarek's mouth quirked slightly. "Exactly. Highly illogical on his part. Why regulate monetary allocations but nothing else? He must have a reason."

Shras growled. "It's a scam. He and his partners have rigged the system so that they and their families come out on the high end and everyone else is paid less. I'll wager that if we look them all up there's a direct correlation between their professions and the highest weighted allocation scales."

Adam took a shaky breath. "It will be difficult to prove. We don't even have the names of his co-conspirators. Even if we release the tape from today's meeting all we have is Smidler. Taking him down won't end this."

Sarek nodded. "That is why we won't attempt to." He squeezed Amanda's hands gently. "You will hold a press conference. We will tell Smidler you are planning on denouncing the allocations systems and renouncing the evils of forced 'socialism'. You will let him believe you are doing exactly as he wishes, putting yourself before Earth as a tragic case of what could go wrong."

"I can't!" Amanda yanked her hands back and stood up to pace. "I can't let him get away with it! Sure, he'll probably reward me with a quick pardon and drop all charges, but it will create a public outcry. He'll get them to repeal the system. It will be utter chaos."

"And in the next election all his people will gain power," Adam said grimly. "They will be maneuvering, making public statements against the system. Smidler and others will take the hit for backing it, but the rest of the group will swing on the anti-allocations side and take over key positions. After that, Smidler will come forward and say this was never his idea. All he wanted was the pay scales. He'll make some cockamamie argument why that's still needed and, poof, he's back in the game."

"No." Sarek leaned back into the couch and steepled his fingers. "That is what Smidler will _think _will happen. We, however, will have other plans."

"Such as?" Shras asked, his teeth gleaming as he grinned.

Sarek's eyes twinkled with dark amusement. "Amanda will hold her press conference. A press conference where she fully backs the allocation system, giving her complete support to it. When asked about the charges against her, why she married a Vulcan and worked for the Andorian embassy, she will explain the evils of Smidler's pay scale. Where he thought she would deal a blow to the allocations system, she will instead provide it with a shining example of acceptance."

"But..." Amanda looked around the group with large eyes. "I'm not sure I support it _that _much. I mean, I think we need to have a basic standard of living, yes, but this whole complicated system with allocations, vocations, educational vouchers, it's a nightmare."

Sarek's mouth thinned. "If you wish to bring Smidler and the pay scale portion of the allocations system down, you will need to support the other elements of the legislation."

"It's politics." Shras shrugged. "It's like you're bartering. Give a little, get a little."

"But I'm not trying to get a good price on a couch!" Amanda huffed. "This is about the welfare of my planet. I can't just let a few problems slide for the greater good."

"That, my wife, is exactly what I do for a living," Sarek answered softly.


	34. Anxiety

"Are you ready?" Sarek asked softly.

Amanda closed her eyes and ran a hand nervously down her dress, pressing out non-existent wrinkles. "Do I have to do this?"

"If you wish to retain your Federation citizenship and stop Smidler, than yes." Sarek put a gentle hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. "You do not have to do this, Amanda. As my wife you have the protection of my clan and of Vulcan. We will not let Earth extradite you."

"But you'd have to give up being the Ambassador to Earth and I'd never get to go home again." Amanda shivered and opened her eyes to stare into her husband's. "I'm scared, Sarek."

"I cannot go with you into the room. The press must believe you are making this statement without influence." Sarek reached up and gently traced her cheek with his paired fingers. "However, we are never parted, my wife. I will be there with you."

Amanda leaned into is touch. "I never thought it would come to this. I never imagined..."

Sarek dipped his head to rest against hers. "It has been 1.74 years since you first walked into the Vulcan embassy to begin your work. So little time for so great a number of changes." He moved back far enough to look her in the eye. "But you have endured worse than a few human reporters. You have rehearsed the questions they will ask, both polite and rude. You are prepared."

Amanda leaned into him, pressing her head into his chest. "I don't feel prepared."

"I believe there is a human saying, that those that do not feel fear before a battle are either dim witted or mentally unstable. While this battle will not be physical, it is a battle none the less." Sarek stepped back and held her away at arms length. "You are ready, Amanda. If we persist in this behavior you will be late."

Amanda looked down. "I know." She smoothed her Earth style dress one last time and took a quick glance in the mirror to make sure she'd done her make-up properly. It was odd to be back in clothing styled for Earth, the fabric heavy after the lighter Vulcan materials she'd been wearing. Her hair was loose and unbound in a human style and if one didn't know better they'd never take her for the wife of a Vulcan. They'd planned it that way, to make her look more sympathetic, and so the Earth population could relate to her better.

Amanda took a deep breath, squeezed Sarek's hand one last time, and walked out of their private rooms. She didn't look back as she descended the steps towards the main common area. The closer she got the louder the voices became, a mix of human languages sounding loud in the enclosed stone room.

As soon as she rounded the corner cameras flashed and the noise crescendoed to near deafening. Adam came forward and put his arms up, his voice calling for silence through the amplified speaker on the small podium that had been set up.

Amanda took another deep breath and stepped up onto the podium next to him and faced the reporters. She tried not to cringe as the camera flashes went off in rapid succession.

Adam smiled softly at her and motioned once more for silence. "I'd like to introduce you all to the lady that's caused such a stir. Ms. Grayson has agreed to this press conference to explain her position and address the charges against her. Please hold your questions until after her statement. Upon advice of legal council, Ms. Grayson reserves the right to decline to answer should any of your questions cross into matters best left to trial or that violate her or her husband's privacy."

"So there will be a trial? She plans to turn herself in?" A young blond reporter asked, his microphone held out as far as he could reach.

"I didn't say that." Adam smirked. "But none of you are new to this, so I shouldn't have to warn you what's off limits. Cross the line and I pull the plug on this. Got it?" He scanned the room once with this eyes, clearly daring anyone else to speak up. "Again, please hold your questions till after Ms. Grayson's statement."

Cameras went off again and the crowd grumbled but no one else spoke up. "Amanda?" Adam waved towards the microphone and Amanda hesitantly stepped forward.

"I guess..." her voice cracked slightly and Amanda cringed before clearing her throat. "I guess I should start at the beginning. Perhaps I can answer most of your questions that way."

Cameras went off in another blitz of flashes and Amanda closed her eyes against the light. She could feel Sarek through the bond, sending her waves of reassurance and she spared a moment to reach out to him mentally. She leaned against his calm for a moment before opening her eyes and stealing herself.

"First, let me say that I have no idea why these unfounded charges of treason have been brought against me. I am now, and have always been, a loyal citizen of Earth." Amanda took a calming breath. "I have devoted my life to the study of language and culture, not politics. A little over a year and a half ago an old acquaintance from college contacted me with a job offer. At the time, I was eager for the opportunity to stretch my abilities and to earn a little extra income." Cameras flashed and stylus moved quickly over PADDs.

"By now I'm sure you know the job to which I am referring. The Vulcan Embassy on Earth was in need of a translator that could speak English, Standard, Vulcanur, Andorian, and both Telorite languages for a _Federation_ negotiation - specifically someone that could explain the emotional and cultural nuances that the universal translator cannot. I was one of the few humans that fit the bill. I gladly accepted the post. Not only did I relish the idea of once again working in my chosen field, but the salary for two months work was nearly twice my annual allocation as a teacher." This caused a low murmur. Amanda sighed and looked down for a moment. "I filed my salary with the government tax office and paid the necessary income tax. At the end of the two months, another position was offered by Ambassador Shras Endeliv translating Andorian cultural works. I held this position until just a over a month ago."

Amanda straightened up and looked out at the sea of reporters, her voice going firm. "I state now for the record that nothing I handled during either appointment went against the interests of Earth or the Federation. I filed all necessary tax forms in a timely manner. I passed no sensitive information to alien governments, I HAD no sensitive information. Prior to accepting the position as translator with the Vulcan embassy, I was engaged as a high school Spanish teacher. The most classified information I have is the advanced placement scores of 58 seniors at Grandview High."

A few reporters chuckled and Amanda smiled softly. "I have heard that there was speculation that my recent marriage to Ambassador Sarek was an attempt to escape these charges. Let me assure you that was not the case." Amanda let a true smile slip. "My marriage to Sarek is the only bright spot in this mess, and would have happened regardless of the charges Earth has laid against me."

"So you didn't do it for the diplomatic immunity?" The same blond reporter quipped.

Amanda frowned. "I already _had_ diplomatic immunity. As a member of Ambassador Shra's diplomatic team, I could not be extradited to Earth without the Andorian council's approval." This caused another rush of questions, none of which Amanda could distinguish. "Again, let me state that my marriage to Sarek is an entirely separate matter from these charges."

A short red-headed woman stood up. "Ms. Grayson, why did you feel the need to seek employment outside the Allocations system? Were you unsatisfied with our assigned vocation?"

A hush fell and Amanda straightened. "First, let me state for the record that I firmly believe in the Allocations system." A murmur ran through the crowd. "However," Amanda slowly drug her gaze over the room. "I found that the current pay scale was unreasonable and does not take into consideration the necessary particulars of a vocation - whether desired or assigned." Another murmur. "In order to achieve the level of education I required for my _desired_ vocation, what amounted to two masters and a PhD in xenolinquistics, I had to incur a large number of educational vouchers. I discovered, after leaving university, that the majority of linguistics positions within Earth's higher education system were being given to alien applicants - outside the allocations and vocation system.

"Even had I been able to find a job in academia, the pay allocation would not have been sufficient to pay off the necessary educational vouchers. This is a problem I'm sure you are all familiar with. It has been a topic of much debate at universities across Earth and has been a contributing factor for the hiring of non-human faculty who can be paid outside the system. Since Earth wants a diverse educational system, it encourages and provides funding to universities to hire applicants from off-planet - at a greater salary than can be given to human applicants subject to the allocations system."

Amanda paused and let them make notes on that. "Since I was unable to find employment voluntarily, the government assigned me a vocation as a high school teacher. Let me say now that I have the highest respect for teachers, but I had no desire to remain one forever. My talents and interests lie in research and field experience, something I could not do as Spanish teacher. But the larger problem was that the pay allocation for teachers is almost at the bottom of the scale, far below even the inadequate allocation provided for university faculty. Even living in the most basic allocated housing and using the government food program, I was barely able to pay my educational vouchers and the taxes on my family home. To be truthful, had I not gained employment with the Vulcan Embassy I would not have been able to make last year's balloon payments on the vouchers. I was several thousands credit's behind despite saving literally every credit of my allocation. I would have defaulted on my vouchers."

Amanda looked straight ahead. "The problem, gentlemen, is not the allocations system but the unrealistic pay scales that do not take into account educational requirements and the vocation system that pays little attention to the talents and desires of those subjected to it. They encourage young students to take out educational vouchers to pursue careers and research then do not provide vocations that realistically allow these vouchers to be repaid - at least not within the system. They claim we have a society free of money, but I ask you, how can we be free from money when we can still acquire debt?"

Amanda eyed the crowd. "Are there any more questions?"

"What's he like in bed?" A voice called out from in back of the room and a collective chuckle ran over the crowd.

Amanda couldn't help smirking. "That is not within the prevue of this interview." the reporters groaned and Amanda smiled wider. "Let's just say that there are many things our species have in common, and many things we don't. But one thing we do share is a distaste for publicly discussing our private married lives."

The reports let out another collective sigh.

"What about rumors that you were injured? Is there any truth to it?"

Amanda frowned. "I was injured during a diplomatic mission for the Federation, the details of which are classified. The incident in question lead to my being hospitalized on Vulcan. Next question?"

"What do you suggest we do to fix the pay allocations?"

Amanda sighed. "Like I said earlier, I'm not a politician. But it does seem odd to me what professions ended up on top and what landed on the bottom. Isn't the point of the allocations system that everyone is given a basic standard of living? Isn't the point of that to allow talents to grow, innovations to be made? The Renaissance happened because for once there was enough food to go around and humans found they had time for art and science. Imagine what we could accomplish by taking this concept to the next level. If we were freed from worrying about shelter and food entirely, if we were free to develop to our full potential without worry about money, what advances could we make? Was that not the point of the allocations system? No sir, I don't have any solutions for you. I only have questions. Questions I think need answered."

"What questions?"

Amanda's eyes hardened. "Why should a teacher be paid so much less than a government accountant? Why is one more valuable than another? Why does it take the same number of years at university to be a librarian as it does to be a lawyer but one is allocated twice as much as the other? If the allocations system was supposed to make us equal, why are the pay scales causing a new social divide?"

Cameras flashed again and Amanda caught the scowling face of Smilder in the back of the room. "Why do we punish those that seek an education with vouchers they can't realistically pay off?" Amanda continued. "Why do we say a police officer needs a house this big and a food worker a smaller one? Who decided one was more valuable than the other? We all eat and we all benefit from the police. Why did we create this system but stop before we had equality? Changing money to allocations, loans to vouchers, it's semantics. It doesn't change the reality. We have yet to address the real issues."

Amanda shook her head. "Next question?"

"Have you and the Andorian ambassador ever engaged in sexual activity?"

Amanda laughed outright. "You do know that our species are physically incompatible and that their body temperature is so low that a woman would likely end up with frost bite if she figured out how to make it work?"

The dark skinned woman blushed. "So you don't have a fetish for alien men?"

"Only my husband." Amanda smiled. "Does anyone have a question for me that doesn't involve my sex life?"

"Have you met his son?"

Amanda frowned. "Not yet. We wanted to wait until things had settled down to handle the introductions. It is my understanding he's away at school."

"What about the rest of his family? Have you been accepted?"

"That is a complicated question." Amanda shrugged. "To answer it you'd have to understand Vulcan culture. I was already an honorary member of another House prior to my marriage. Now that the marriage is official, I am considered a Vulcan citizen and a member of Sarek's house and clan. The lady T-Pau, as matriarch to my clan, would be better equipped to answer your questions as to what exactly that means. Despite my previous experience as a student on Vulcan and my recent marriage, I find I am far from an expert."

"T-Pau?" several whispered.

"Have you met her?"

"Several times." Amanda's lip quirked. "We've had several...interesting conversations."

The annoying blond reporter stood up and started to ask another question but Amanda cut him off. "Does it have anything to do with the charges against me?"

"Not exactly, but..."

Amanda shook her head. "Then I'm sorry, but I must insist that all further questions relate to that issue. My marriage is not what I came here to discuss with you. I consider it a private matter and in respect for my husband's culture I ask that you confine your questions to areas that do not violate our right to privacy."

The blond reporter scowled. "That's not acceptable. As the first human to marry a Vulcan..."

Adam stepped forward and motioned Amanda behind him. "I'm afraid I have to call this press conference to end. Any further questions can be submitted in writing to my office. Thank you for your time."


	35. Comfort

Amanda was shaking by the time she and Adam reached her rooms. Sarek was waiting for her and wordlessly handed her a glass of something that tasted suspiciously like vodka. Amanda gulped it.

"That went well, surprisingly," Adam announced before collapsing onto the sofa.

"Indeed," Sarek answered smugly. "You did well, my wife. Smidler will undoubtedly be contacting us shortly."

Shras snorted. "He's going to be mad enough to chew durtanium."

Amanda took another gulp of her drink and coughed. "What the hell is this?"

"It is a Vulcan drink generally served to guests, somewhat similar to Earth port," Sarek answered, "I thought you could use it."

"Port?" Amanda eyed the glass dubiously. "I think it's closer to 100 proof grain alcohol." She took another sip. "And I _can_ use it."

Adam shook his head. "You did great, Mandy. Now we just wait and ignore Smidler. The press will do the rest for us."

Amanda leaned back into the cushions. "Great. Waiting. We all know how good I am at that."

Sarek sat down almost hesitantly next to her. "There are other matters we still need to address. I will confess that, until the reporter mentioned it, I had let the matter slip from my mind."

"Sybok," Amanda said softly, looking down into her glass. "You haven't introduced us yet."

Adam and Shras both stood up. "Perhaps we should leave you to discuss things," Shras said quietly, "I'll take Adam back to the embassy. We'll contact you if anything important comes up."

Amanda nodded without looking up. "Yeah, go ahead. You guys have been so busy helping me out with this, you could use a break. Take it easy for a few days."

"Mandy..." Adam trailed off. Shras shook his head and placed a hand on Adam's arm. The two men left quickly.

Sarek took Amanda's hand in his. "You are afraid."

Amanda nodded. "I...what if he doesn't like me?"

"I believe that children rarely _like_ their step-parents." Sarek rubbed the back of her hand. "But Sybok has always been curious about other worlds. Once he understands that you are not here to replace his mother, that you are not going to make either of us forget her, he will with all certainty assault you with questions."

Amanda set her glass down and leaned into Sarek. "But I don't do well with kids. Not young ones. I don't know what to say or how to deal with them. And he's _Vulcan_. I'm always nervous around Vulcan kids. I know he's at a critical stage in learning the Disciplines and I don't want to say or do something that might set him back."

"Sybok can attend to himself in this area." Sarek pulled her closer. "He has tutors that assist him in learning meditations and control. He knows what is expected of him. As a human you are not subject to these expectations. He will know not to model his behavior after yours. If for some reason he needs a reminder I will provide it." Sarek squeezed her hand. "You will find it easier with Sybok than our own children. He is already well into his training. The difficult stage has mostly passed."

Amanda looked up. "Our children? Sarek, is that even possible?"

"I believe it is. If you desire it." Sarek looked down and gave an almost smile. "T-Pau had the healer run a few tests. She believes that with a few genetic modifications it would be possible for us to have a child of our own. I had planned to discuss the matter with you at a later time, when things are not so...upsetting."

"A child..." Amanda frowned. "But...he'd be half-Vulcan, half-human right? How would we raise him? What kind of a life would he have here? Would the other children accept him?"

"I do not know." Sarek rested his chin on the top of her head. "It is never easy for those that straddle two cultures. Much would depend on how our genetics were combined. I would think it would be difficult to raise a child as human if they appeared Vulcan, or the reverse. We would not want to make the decision lightly."

"Do you want more kids?" Amanda asked softly. She could feel Sarek's sigh.

"I have not been the most attentive of fathers. But I find that often my thoughts return to Sybok, when it is quiet. I am gratified that something of his mother lives on in him."

Amanda moved away so she could see Sarek's face. "And you want the same thing, for when I'm gone."

Sarek's eyes dropped. "I would be untruthful if I claimed this was not part of my motivation. But there are other reasons I desire a child with you." Sarek looked back up, his dark eyes holding hers. "There is great meaning in bringing a life into the universe, a meaning you cannot fully comprehend until you have done it. I do not wish for you to be without this experience simply for having chosen me."

"I..." Amanda took a deep but shaky breath. "I've never really given it a lot of thought."

"There is no pressing need to do so." Sarek reached out to cup her cheek. "We have only just bonded, my wife. While I desire a child with you, I do not require one. You are free to make your choice when, and if, you are ready."

Amanda leaned back and laid her head on his shoulder. "Let's just see how things go with Sybok first. Maybe he won't want a brother or sister. After all, it hasn't been that long since he lost his mother. Now he's not even living with you. He might think we're trying to replace _him_ if we had a child."

"That would be illogical," Sarek replied softly, combing his fingers into her hair. "But very like a child." She could feel Sarek's frown. "I do not wish to cause my son distress."

Amanda sighed softly and wriggled closer. "Then let's take this slow. Introduce us. Maybe you should spend some time with him over the next few months while we're stuck here on Vulcan during the allocations mess. When that's over, if we go back to Earth - even for a visit- perhaps he could take a short break and come with us. That way he knows we're not forgetting about him. At that point, if I've made up my mind, we can talk to him about it. I don't want to make this any harder on him than it's already got to be."

"For a human you are wise." Sarek held out his paired fingers. "We will follow this course."

Amanda smiled and reached out to place her fingers over his. "And in the meantime?"

Sarek's mouth twitched. "I believe the time the healer designated for your recovery has passed."

Amanda smirked. "That it has."

-s-

Amanda rolled over and stretched, a contented smile on her face. Sarek was sprawled in a rather undignified manner next to her, his dark hair sticking up at appealing angles. Amanda sighed happily and moved to snuggle up closer. Sarek shifted to pull her into his arms. Amanda could feel a slight fuzziness in the back of her mind that told her he was still deeply asleep despite his movements.

There was still something novel about sharing her bed like this. Sarek, even unconscious, seemed to be aware of her location and would always move to accommodate her. It was uncanny and not something Amanda had ever experienced with her other, admittedly limited in quantity, lovers. She assumed it had to do with the bond, but it also seemed to be just so _Sarek_. Since she'd accepted him, he'd gone out of his way to make her comfortable.

Amanda wasn't sure how much was Sarek's personality, how much Vulcan culture, and how much was part of the marriage bond. Biologically, he was programmed to protect her at all costs but there seemed to be a...softness to it, something she'd not expected.

The marriage bond wasn't something that could be described in words and T-Lar's attempts had failed miserably. Amanda hoped it wasn't because T-Lar's bond wasn't as close, just that her Vulcan friend wasn't given to emotional explanations. Regardless of the cause, Amanda had been somewhat unprepared for the full reality.

The first weeks, when Sarek was in the first stages of the _pon farr_, the bond had been a constant presence. Amanda had felt it there in her mind every moment of every day like a heated ice-pick lancing into her thoughts. Now it felt more like she was always holding Sarek's hand. He was _there_, in her mind. It didn't interfere in anything, it didn't demand anything, it was just _there_.

Not having any cultural frame of reference for the experience, Amanda wasn't sure what to really equate it to, only that she never wanted to be without it again. No matter how much Sarek would deny it, he was an emotional creature. She could feel his moods shift underneath his Disciplines. It was like sand moving with ocean currents, swirling on the bottom yet invisible on the surface. He never seemed to allow them control, but Amanda could tell they were still there and still affected him to some degree. This secret knowledge and constant awareness of her husband made her feel secure on a level she'd never thought attainable. Life without the bond, without Sarek, wasn't something she could go back to.

Knowing that Sarek had felt this before didn't make her feel jealous, not exactly. She was uncomfortable thinking about him having shared himself like this with another woman. But his first wife was dead and the pain that must of have caused him...She couldn't even begin to imagine it, didn't want to try. She knew she'd never be able to let anyone else in like this, not after having Sarek so intimately a part of her. If she lost him she'd die. How he'd survived was mind-boggling.

How any Vulcan survived that...

Sarek stirred and pulled her closer, most likely feeling the direction of her thoughts and Amanda forced herself to drop it. He had survived and for as long as she was alive, he was hers. She'd never have to feel the loss of the bond since he'd outlive her by centuries. And Sarek _would_ survive her death if it was the last thing she did...which it probably would be.

Amanda kissed his temple and he nuzzled closer. She closed her eyes, enjoying his higher body heat. Even though the temperature in the bedroom was high she still enjoyed the difference. Sarek was wrapped in a couple blankets to fight off the 'chill' while Amanda's thin sheet was all she needed. As he moved, the blankets shifted off him and Amanda reached down to pull them back up around his shoulders. Sarek made an appreciative purr and Amanda let out a quiet chuckle.


	36. Tonight, on Inside the Federation

Announcer: "On tonight's edition of 'Inside the Federation' with Rupert Doncland..."

"Does the free trade agreement Earth signed with the colonies undermine home-world authority?"

"Is war with the Klingons inevitable? And how will this conflict differ from the Romulan War?"

"And our lead story, the marriage of a human woman to a Vulcan man and the implications it has for Earth's new Allocation system."

Doncland : "I'm Rupert Doncland and this is 'Inside the Federation'. Tonight's panelists include Dr. Allen Kim, professor of developmental anthropology at the University of Hong Kong. Nadia Lampor, Director of the Institute on Urban Cultural Preservation, and Dr. John Longbow, former economic adviser to Star Fleet command.

"In the latest controversy to rock the Federation, Amanda Grayson has come out swinging. In her first press conference since her marriage to Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan became public, Ms. Grayson laid out her feelings regarding the Allocations system and the charges of treason brought against her by Earth's government. Ms. Grayson called herself a "loyal citizen of Earth" and expressed her outrage over the pay scale and educational voucher system. Ambassador Smidler, a long time proponent of the pay scale system, who called the press conference on Ms. Grayson's behalf, was unavailable for comment.

"The controversy surrounding the charges against Ms. Grayson and the sensational news of her marriage has brought heat to bear on the Allocations system causing some to call for its repeal. I ask you, do you think her statements yesterday will settle the matter or turn the fire up? John?"

John: "I'm not sure, Rupert. You see, this is a complex matter and while we tend to use the term 'Allocation System' to cover the entire spectrum of the new order policies, it's really a collection of smaller laws. Ms Grayson was correct when she tried to make a distinction between them."

Nadia: "I'm not sure I agree."

Doncland : "What do you think, Nadia?"

Nadia: "Well, it's pretty clear to anyone with a brain what's going on here. Ms. Grayson was pining after a job she wasn't qualified for and when she realized that, she decided to buck the system and now she's not willing to pay the price."

John: "Now hold on! That's unfair. Have you read the charges against her? They have nothing to do with Allocations system itself. Those are misdemeanors, lesser included charges. The main charge is some ridiculous trumped up conspiracy theory that she's been feeding the Vulcans privileged Earth intel."

Nadia: "How do we know she wasn't?"

John: "She was a teacher! Not to mention the fact that I've known Amanda since she was a toddler. Her parents were good friends of mine when I worked at Kent State. While she's always been somewhat eccentric, she's hardly a traitor."

Nadia: "I think you're letting your past association cloud your thinking. Treason doesn't require the actual passing of privileged information, only the intent to undermine your own government. She's clearly done that."

Doncland: "Allen, you've been quiet so far. What's your impression?"

Allen: "I have to agree with John. There seems to be something else going on here. Ms. Grayson may have broken a few minor provisions in the Allocation Law, but nothing to warrant charges of treason and sedition. Any Earth citizen is perfectly within their rights to take employment at a Federation embassy or with a Federation diplomatic mission, regardless of the originating species. Both Sarek and Shras Endilev are Federation Ambassadors. In effect, they work for us as surely as Earth's Ambassadors. Now had she taken up employment with the Klingon Ambassador, we'd have something to discuss. Under Federation Law, which Earth helped to draft and ratified, she's not committed any crime."

Nadia: "You're being short sighted. She's a _linguist._ She translated during negotiations in which Earth played a party. She worked against our interests by coloring translations if nothing else."

John: "Under Federation Law, and Earth's local codes, that's not a crime. Since it was a Federation negotiation, not a hostile situation, she's not working against our interests. In fact, if you check the documentation, all parties involved agreed to her use as a translator. Vulcan paid the bill, but the negotiations, and the translator, were all mutually agreed upon."

Nadia: "I don't care what the statutes say, the intent was there. You're using the letter of the law to defeat the purpose."

Doncland: "Regardless of the legality of the charges, what's your take on her marriage, Allen?"

Allen: "This is the most interesting part of the scandal. Why would a Vulcan take a human as a wife? The cultural divide is enormous. Grayson's motivations aside, what could have made Sarek want to marry her?"

John: "Maybe they aren't as emotionless as we all thought."

Nadia: "Oh, don't tell me you're going to go all romantic on me. Just because you bounced that _woman_ on your knee when she was in diapers doesn't discount what she's done."

John: "Done? She got married. Last I checked _that_ wasn't a crime. Mandy fell in love. Bully for her."

Allen: "As I said, Ms. Grayson's motivations aren't what's interesting in this situation. Whether it was a marriage of emotion or not, there are several reasons a human woman would chose to marry Sarek of Vulcan."

Doncland: "They would be?"

Allen: "At the risk of sounding cynical, the man is rich. His clan is well connected and in a position of power not only on Vulcan but within the entire Federation. His family has a long history of influence in the entire quadrant, and beyond. The only Earth equivalent to his position would be that of king or at the very least heir apparent. He is, in effect, royalty. Love aside, it's understandable why she'd accept him."

John: "Mandy's not a gold digger."

Allen: "I didn't say she was. But I guarantee you these things did not hurt the Ambassador during his courtship. They may have been enough to make the young lady willing to attempt to bridge the cultural chasm between our species. Especially considering how little is known about private Vulcan life."

Nadia: "They certainly don't treat their women well. That's a fact."

Doncland: " There has been considerable talk about the status of their women. They hardly ever leave the planet alone, and if they do they are unmarried. When a couple is seen in public, the female is always in what appears to be a position of subservience."

Allen: "That's sheer speculation. It could be something very different."

Doncland: "How so?"

Allen: "Well, this is a murky area. This is another species we are dealing with. We can't use our cultural norms to interpret their behavior. A woman walking behind a man can mean many different things, even on Earth. In some human cultures the woman walks behind because the male is considered more expendable and as such should be the first to encounter danger. The Vulcan climate is harsh and they have several large predators that to this day claim lives. This could be a similar situation."

Nadia: "Are you saying they subjugate women to _protect them_? How 19th century."

Allen: "You're making quite a supposition there, Nadia. There is no indication that women hold a lesser position in Vulcan society. In fact, their culture shows several hallmarks of at least a partial matriarchy. Virtually all their religious leaders are female. The clans are headed by a female. Rumor has it all marriages are arranged by the clan matriarch. It could simply be that age plays a factor in the social status of females. Very few Vulcans travel extensively off planet, outside of their military and science exploration fleets – which have very little contact with Earth. The only interactions we have are with younger couples, not those in authority. There are some cultures here on Earth where older females take a leadership role while their younger counterparts are considerably less socially empowered. Again, this could be similar."

Doncland: "You seem to have given this a lot of thought."

Allen: "I have. As an evolutionary anthropologist, I study how social constructs and societies evolve, my primary interest being sociocultural evolution of behavior. Vulcans, in particular, are fascinating."

Nadia: "I can't wait to hear this."

John: "Let the man talk. Go on, Allen. What's so interesting?"

Allen: "Well, everything frankly. They are a closed society. Only a handful of humans are allowed on planet at any given time. Even my fellow academics have difficulty gaining access to the planet and when they do they are not allowed close to the private aspects of Vulcan. They even have several dialects that they refused to allow to be programmed into the universal translator. They are highly secretive and reclusive. There has to be a reason for it."

Doncland: "Any suppositions?"

Allen: "This is speculation, but for a culture to draw this much into self, there has to be a catalyst. They have a firm belief structure and ideology of superiority, yet they don't attempt to spread their philosophy. They don't hoard Surak's teaching, and freely provide these when asked, but they don't participate in any sort of missionary activities. It feels like they are hiding something, perhaps even from themselves. But it's not the violent nature of their past. This is not a source of shame, in fact they make it a point to highlight it in the way they use weapons and violent tapestries as decorations and in the handful of ceremonies and traditional celebrations they've allowed outsiders to view.

"The most secretive area of their society, and likely the cause of much of what we are discussing, seems to be the marriage bond. We know most marriages are arranged in childhood, but we have no idea why. Historically this wasn't always the case. That much is clear. But at some point they switched to this form of mate selection. There doesn't appear to be any form of divorce on the planet but two styles of married life. We see couples that live separately and have virtually no day to day contact. On the other hand, there are couples that are together at all times, never separated if at all possible. Both appear to be acceptable to the larger society, but there are very few that exist in between the extremes. This is unusual. What would drive them together and apart in equal measure? And why would society tolerate both?

"If anyone even hints at curiosity into this subject area, they are escorted off planet. It's highly suspect behavior. There is something here that they are unable or unwilling to admit to outsiders. Yet we now have a human woman that has been accepted into _two _clans, not just as a lesser member, but as the wife to a high ranking male and as the _pudvel-torko-fu _or chosen house daughter and _pudor-dvin-tor_ to another well placed family. This is exceptional."

Nadia: (snort) "But doesn't _pudor-dvin-tor _translate to 'honored servant'? She's their _servant_."

Allen: "Nadia, I hate to say this, but you really shouldn't be so judgmental. On Vulcan service is revered above all. To be allowed to serve as _pudor-dvin-tor _is an incredible honor. Ms. Grayson was acting for the new clan matriarch, handling matters that would normally be within her purview during a transition in power. For anyone so young it would have been a great honor, but for a _human_? This is an unprecedented situation. Ms. Grayson herself said that she is now, in effect, considered a Vulcan by these two clans if not by the entire planet. The culture has enveloped her. Now she is within the folds of their secrecy and as we saw from her interview, unwilling to lift the veil for us. Whatever it is they do not wish us to know, she has agreed to keep their secret."

Doncland: "This idea of service, could it play a rule in the treatment of the women? Could Amanda Grayson be doing what she is as a _service_ to these clans?"

Allen: "I can't say what her motivations are and I'm not pretending that I have any great insight into the Vulcan culture either. All I am able to do at this point is to posit theories. The hazard of this kind of work is that, as an outsider, I can only view their culture through glasses colored by my own. We attempt, as a profession, to remove this cultural bias, but it is inevitable that a portion will be retained. All I can say for sure is that, for a Vulcan, to be _in service_ is more important than to be leader. This is what makes Sarek's clan so unusual."

John: "Why?"

Allen: "Well, they have been in power for a millenia. They seem to be natural leaders, and highly respected. When you hear most Vulcans discuss their positions, they say they are in service to a specific person or entity. They are the first officer of this ship, in service to that captain, they are deputy this, under so-and-so. But Sarek, when asked, has always said clearly he serves the _people of Vulcan and the Federation._ Not the Vulcan High Council, not the Federation leaders, which is what other Ambassadors from Vulcan have claimed, but the people themselves. He views himself as in service to a _greater_ something. This is a departure from what I would consider the Vulcan cultural norm.

"Not to mention that Sarek is the first unmarried Vulcan man I've ever heard of, let alone _seen_ off world. His willingness to interact with outside species, his much lauded negotiation skills, all of it, it combines to prove that he is something _apart_, not the norm for his society. I highly doubt the average Vulcan would _ever_ consider mating with a human, let alone marrying them. Yet this man has done so, publicly, and managed to bring his wife into the clan _as an equal_. This speaks highly of his position socially. I find all of it fascinating."

Nadia: "I'm glad this is all intellectually stimulating for you. But what does this mean for Earth?"

Allen: "We've taken a large step with this marriage, perhaps a larger one than the Allocation system itself. This is the first time an Earther has made a prominent off world marriage. Humans aren't the only species to use marriage as a form of legitimizing alliances and making connections. It is almost a universally accepted method of forging bonds across governments and powers. While Ms. Grayson is by no means Earth royalty or even from an influential background, it is still a very important event. This will open doors for other such matches across species lines. It moves us out into the galactic society at a new level. A hundred years from now this could be seen as equal in importance to the first moon launch. This is a huge step forward for humanity."

John: "You had me until that last part. I don't think one marriage is all that important."

Allen: "Go back in time and say that to Eleanor of Aquitaine."

Doncland: "Gentlemen, as interesting as this is, we're out of time and off topic. Any closing comments about this marriage and the impact it will have on the Allocation system? Nadia?"

Nadia: "None. This is clearly just one woman with issues. If the media would stop discussing it and trying to find some kind of pathetic link between her criminality and this absurd publicity stunt of a marriage, it would all die down."

Doncland: "John?"

John: "This will bring to light a lot of the problems inherent in the current system and open a platform for dialogue and change."

Doncland: "Allen?"

Allen: "The allocation system is secondary in importance to what this means for us a society. We could be seeing mixed species children proliferating, cross species adoptions, the possibilities are endless. The charges against Ms. Grayson will fade but her influence in this regard will be lasting."

Doncland: "And there you have it, folks. The story of the night is perhaps the story of the century. Now onto to our next topic. Klingons. Is war inevitable? Nadia, thoughts?"


	37. Lamentation

_A/N: While I kept Sarek's first wife's name, I am rejecting the rest of the novelization of her character and going for a slightly different angle. So...throw out all that stuff about Gol from Sarek the novel and start from scratch._

* * *

Amanda took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and put her left foot down. Thirty seconds later, when the ground remained stable and no voices started shouting, she opened her eyes and stepped slowly forward the rest of the way.

For the first time since coming to live with Sarek, Amanda Grayson was outside the clan compound. And she was alone.

Amanda shook herself. She was being ridiculous. Visiting T-Lar was by no means a high adventure. Sarek _knew _she was going. T-Lar was expecting her. And the public transit pick-up was only steps outside the compound gate. In the three weeks since her first press conference T-Pau had run nearly every Federation reporter off the planet. She was safe.

The transit pick-up was empty at this time of day, it being nearly midday, and Amanda had the bench to herself as she waited, the canopy protecting her from the harsh sun and the veil she'd put on blocking the blowing sand. While most would consider the hefty fabric of the Vulcan veil to be a symbol of repression, Amanda knew better. Life in Shi'Kahr made it a practical everyday item. While the larger cities had shielding in place to block the whipping sands, the smaller village where Sarek's clan had made their home had never adopted the modern devices. Centuries before, they'd made the decision to keep the village historically pure, at least architecturally, and that meant the old-fashioned high walls that kept the worst of the sands at bay. But on high wind days, like today, a good amount would still be kicked up and Amanda had taken out the gray veil accordingly.

The transit was on time, of course, and Amanda stepped into the airbus and took a seat in the middle. She had nearly an hour's ride to get to the neighboring town in this weather, their speed compromised by the blowing sand. Sarek had said there would be a full-blown storm soon, the first of the dry season. Amanda didn't relish the thought. During her time at the Academy she'd witnessed a Vulcan sand storm as it raged outside the Academy's shields. Her advisor had claimed it could strip flesh from bone in seconds. The storms around Shi'Kahr were legendary and generally much worse than the one Amanda had glimpsed from the protection of the larger city.

The handful of Vulcans on the transport eyed her discretely, but no-one was rude enough to question her. Not for the first time, Amanda sent a silent thank -you to the Vulcan ancestors that had first enacted the intense privacy mores of the culture. While clearly problematic in some regards, it was one of the few things that made the current situation bearable.

Earth was in an uproar over her marriage. The Allocations system and the charges against her were turning into mere footnotes next to the Pandora's box of a human woman marrying outside the species. Amanda was certain it was some evolutionary hold over from the reptilian part of the human male brain, but a good number of Earth's citizens took her marriage as an _attack_. There were pro-Earth groups springing up, vowing to protect human women from the "ravishings of alien men". It if it wasn't so dangerous it would have been hilarious. Vulcans considered Amanda a seductress and the humans placed the blame on Sarek.

Amanda pulled her veil tighter and leaned back into the seat.

After the press conference had come a string of private interviews, all carefully selected by Adam. Then there was the representative from 23rd Century Fox wanting to buy the movie rights...Sarek's eyebrow had been stuck near his hairline for nearly the entire hour the man had attempted to sell them on the idea. After that came the "official" investigator from Earth.

Mr. Thompson was supposed to be investigating the charges against her. All he wanted was dirt on Sarek.

After that came a delegation from the Federation council wanting to discuss her status. Earth was trying to petition for her extradition, Vulcan was refusing, and the Federation Council was at a loss. She was technically now a citizen of both worlds and the law was not clear on which planet had the larger claim to her. By the end of the meeting, Amanda felt more like a piece of furniture being argued over than a sentient being. Adam hadn't helped. Once he was in full-blown lawyer mode Amanda hadn't been able to understand half of what he said. Inter-galactic law had never been her strong suit.

It had been _months_ since she left T-Lar's house, she'd realized the night before, and she'd barely had any contact with her friend or her family. It was as if she'd fallen into a vortex and suddenly only Sarek existed. Now that she'd realized how long it had been, Amanda felt guilty for not checking in. Sevok was still grieving and T-Lar was still getting used to being in charge of the clan. They could have used her support. But she'd been too busy with reporters, Sarek's _pon farr, _T-Pau's constant hounding for more information, and the mess with Smidler to even make a visit.

Things were finally starting to calm down and Amanda wasn't going to waste the opportunity. Between Adam and the press, knowledge of Smidler's connection to the pay allocation scales had become household knowledge. One by one the press were flushing out his co-conspirators and, like drowning rats, they had begun to turn on each other. If it hadn't been for her marriage, Amanda would have been out of the spotlight after all the ruckus they'd caused.

As it was, Earth's news stations were being their usual sensational selves and were focused more on her than on AllocationGate. Public opinion was divided over it and every news program had to rehash it on a nearly nightly basis. After T-Pau had ordered reporters off-planet, it had started to tame, but now the freelancers were finding ways past the Vulcan security net. Two house guards had even caught one trying to slip past the family sehlat - granted, it was less 'caught' and more 'rescued'...

Amanda shook herself out of her reverie as the airbus pulled up to her stop. T-Lar was working but she'd managed to get an hour off for lunch with her friend. Amanda was meeting her at the VSA before heading off to check in with Sevok at their home.

The graceful arches of the VSA hadn't changed in the years since she'd studied there. Amanda smiled as she drew the now unnecessary veil back off her head and let it fall about her shoulders. She'd always loved the architecture of the Academy and it felt wonderful to be back under its flying stonework.

The cafeteria had been re-painted a soft tan and there were new tables, Amanda noticed, as she took a seat and waited for T-Lar. The Vulcan woman arrived moments later and the two went to the food window to grab light lunches.

"Nothing much ever changes here, does it?" Amanda asked jokingly, as she shook her head at the purple soup she was handed. "You still don't have anything much to do with variety." The server in the window said nothing and Amanda sighed. "Right. Nutritious but never delicious."

"I would have thought you were used to it by now," T-Lar commented, as they found a table, "You are, after all, now Vulcan."

"Legally, not biologically." Amanda eyed the soup with trepidation. "Mind you, Varen who works in Sarek's kitchen can do wonders with this stuff, but no matter how much garlic you add it's still purple." Amanda scrunched her nose. "And humans don't eat purple food."

"Chive flowers are purple, T-Lar chided, "As are eggplant and some forms of rice."

"Have you been researching this just to try and get me to stop complaining about your planet's favorite dish?"

"Yes." T-Lar took a spoonful of soup up to her mouth and hesitated. "But you are correct in that the VSA's version is…" T-Lar took a sip from the spoon and sighed, "Rather bland."

"But with excellent nutritional content," they both muttered, nearly in sync.

Amanda giggled. "I missed this."

"I had assumed." T-Lar gave a light lift to her mouth. "At your suggestion to meet here, I made the assumption you were inclined towards nostalgia."

"It _is_ close to where you work, you know." Amanda smiled softly. "And it's nice to be back here, even if it is just to visit."

"There is a position open in the linguistics department," T-Lar volunteered. "They are looking for an advisor to handle the influx of off-world students that have been arriving since the governing board decided to make more internships open to off-worlders. I believe you would be a good candidate."

"I turned my CV in last week." Amanda sighed. "But it's a long shot. There are only two non-Vulcan faculty members here in the entire Academy."

"But this is not a teaching position so much as an administrative one," T-Lar argued. "The classroom hours are minimal. You would mostly be overseeing cultural exchanges and making sure the incoming students are aware of the necessary information prior to beginning their coursework. I believe the Academy is looking for an off-worlder specifically for this role."

"But," Amanda frowned. "Sarek's job..."

"Is not currently an issue." T-Lar put her spoon down again. "With the current charges against you he cannot return to Earth. It is likely that even after this matter is resolved he will not wish to remain there for extended periods of time. Another has already been made ambassador to Earth. Sarek is now only responsible for his position as a Federation ambassador. This will mean less time away from Vulcan for you both and will allow him greater time with his son. It is my understanding that he already asked for this change prior to your marriage."

"He mentioned something about it but we haven't had a chance to sit down and talk about it yet." Amanda frowned. "That news only arrived this morning."

"I have my sources." T-Lar looked down and her finger rubbed the side of the spoon. "Amanda...I would like to discuss another matter with you."

Amanda looked around and noticed that they were nearly the only ones left in the cafeteria, the lunch crowd always being light and the hour growing later. "Yes?"

T-Lar took a somewhat unsteady breath. "You were indisposed for two weeks. May I assume..."

"It's complicated." Amanda pushed her empty bowl to the side. "And I've been meaning to talk to you about it, but with everything that's been going on I just haven't had a chance."

T-Lar looked up and then back down quickly. "You were injured?"

"Not really. A few bruises and a couple pulled muscles." Amanda smiled when T-Lar's gaze jerked back up. "Like I said, it's complicated. We didn't exactly follow the rules."

T-Lar's eyebrow rose. "Explain?"

"So, it started when I had this idea..." Amanda gave her story in a hushed voice, glossing over the part about T-Pau's book. T-Lar listened with widening eyes until Amanda shrugged and said, "And that's that. I got a clean bill of health, he's all back to normal, and life goes on for another 6.5 years before we have to worry - or at least that's the hope."

"This worked?"

"Quite well." Amanda smiled. "Although, T-Pau told me most Vulcan women wouldn't want to try it, I thought," Amanda trailed off and blushed. "Considering your, ah, _difficulty_ I thought maybe you'd find it," Amanda bit her lip. "Interesting?" she offered softly.

"Interesting?" T-Lar leaned back in her chair. "This is a remarkable suggestion. If we could avoid the full progression it would mean," T-Lar's eyes grew bright. "It would mean very much to us both."

"So the time it takes and," Amanda searched for the right word, "…and everything - it wouldn't be _prohibitive_?"

T-Lar's ears turned green. "My husband is more inclined in this direction than most - or so I suspect. Were it left to him..." T-Lar trailed off before looking back down. "I would not have the same problem you did with the bond overwhelming me. I think," T-Lar shivered slightly. "I think I would find this option preferable." Her voice grew very quiet. "Normally, my bed is his whenever he wishes it. But we are very close to when it is customary for me to withdraw from him in preparation for his next Time. If I stay and continue to allow him access..." She stopped and fought for words, "He will question me at first but if this is a possible solution I do not think he will be opposed. The separation was very hard on him before."

"Talk to him about it," Amanda suggested softly. "Something tells me he'd try just about anything to keep from hurting you again. And I don't think…" Amanda placed her hand lightly over her friend's arm. "T-Lar, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think you can handle another trip to the cave."

The violent shudder that passed through the Vulcan woman was telling.

* * *

Amanda took another airbus from the VSA to T-Lar and Sevok's home. She was greeted warmly by the ever present children of the household and ushered quickly to Sevok's study. He'd moved out of the rooms he'd shared with his now deceased wife and into a smaller set of quarters closer to the gardens. The study had a large window that opened up into the enclosed space. Amanda knew that at night the scent of the flowering fruit vines would permeate the room.

Sevok had his back turned when she entered. She cleared her throat and he turned to see who it was. She had to control her gasp of shock at her first sight of his face. He was thin, the lines on his face nearly double what they had been the last time she had seen him. And from the way he moved it seemed as if he lacked any strength.

"Amanda," Sevok greeted, his hands going to grasp her upper arms as he would his daughter. "It is good to see you. You are well?" His voice, at least, was strong.

Amanda forced out a laugh trying to cover her worry. "I'm wonderful. Things are finally going our way with this Allocations nonsense. Adam tells me that they are about ready to drop the treason charges. Most of Smidler's associates have turned on each other. The ones that haven't are quickly doing what they can to distance themselves from this. The faster they exonerate me, the sooner the heat will die down and the less chance of anyone digging up their connection to this conspiracy."

Sevok nodded and let her go, motioning to the chairs that sat next to the window. "That is good. Sarek is formidable when he puts his mind to these things. With both Shras and Sarek on the same side such an endeavor was guaranteed success. It is rare that they fight the same battle but when it happens they do not lose."

"T-Lar told me that the Vulcan Council has agreed to Sarek's request to remain as Federation Ambassador only - at least for now." Amanda smiled gently. "So I guess that means I'm not going back to Earth for a while, even after this is all said and done. At least not for an extended stay."

"Does this bother you?"

Amanda frowned. "Honestly? I miss grass and lakes and blue sky," she paused to consider, "But I like it here too and Sarek really does need to spend some time with Sybok. T-Lar thinks I've got a shot at a position with the VSA, which I doubt, but if that doesn't work out I'm sure I can find something to keep busy. In all, I don't really mind. Sarek promised we'd go back for Christmas with Adam's family if this is settled by then. If not, we'll go next year. I want to take Sybok and show him around."

"He is a curious child. He would benefit from the trip. Have you been introduced yet?"

"Tomorrow." Amanda leaned back in her chair. "I'm a little nervous."

Sevok nodded grimly. "Children do not always accept change well. Sarek was gone much of Sybok's childhood. He may see your arrival as a perpetuation of this distance."

"I hope not, but there's nothing I can really do." Amanda sighed. "Sarek got word last week that Sybok failed out of the school he'd been going to. He's practically a genius according to the tests but it appears that he just won't accept their form of instruction. T-Pau offered to petition them to reconsider but I don' t think Sarek wants to use the clan influence that way. He's enrolled Sybok in the Shi'Kahr school - which is much smaller. Hopefully with the extra attention he'll settle down a little."

"Being at home with his father will likely help." Sevok made a small frown. "But I have never quite trusted the child."

"What do you mean?"

Sevok's frown deepened. "I do not know how to describe it, Amanda, but the child has a natural presence I find disturbing. Sometimes, when he looks at you, it is as if he is seeing more than others. It is said his psi ability is quite advanced. His mother was very gifted in this area and of another high ranked clan. T-Pau chose her for Sarek because she thought it likely they would produce a child of remarkable ability. I think perhaps she more correct than she knows."

Amanda now frowned. "You think he's dangerous don't you?"

"He is a child." Sevok let out a slow breath. "For now. And children must grow. I do not think he is a danger in his current state. But I have watched him since his mother's death. He does not grieve as a Vulcan would. He carries his pain with him and does not allow it to pass."

"Maybe he feels guilty." Amanda bit her lip. "Wasn't he with her when she died?"

"Yes." Sevok's eyes grew heavy. "It was unexpected and sudden. He was alone with her and was too young to carry her _katra_. He tried, young as he was, but he could not hold her. She was lost."

"That would do a number on anybody." Amanda looked down. "How exactly did she die?"

Sevok turned to look out the window. "Sarek and I were on a mission to broker for the release of hostages in the contested space outside Klingon territory. T-Sehl was with me, but Sarek asked T-Rea to stay on Vulcan. He thought the mission was too dangerous and he did not want to risk both their lives and leave Sybok without at least one parent." Sevok closed his eyes. "We were in negotiations with the Klingons when Sarek collapsed. We could feel his anguish, he was projecting it so loudly."

"I'm sorry to be asking you about this so soon." Amanda swallowed heavily. "But I didn't want to ask Sarek. He has trouble talking about it."

"With good reason." Sevok gave a heavy sigh. "I know now what it is he felt in that moment." He shook his head and continued on in a heavy voice. "T-Rea's clan had retained the ancient titles and by birth she was the youngest daughter to the matriarch. If you were to translate her title from ancient Vulcan, you would call her a princess, but she was by no means the heir. By choice she had become a priestess at her family's holy site. Both these titles afforded her a great deal of influence with her people. While Sarek's clan is from the deep desert and the mountains, T-Rea's clan is located in the greater northern regions where the climate is more temperate. Their practices and religions differ greatly from those of us that live in the red lands as they call it. They were the last to accept Surak and some say they have never fully embraced his teachings. T-Rea sought to change this and was using her influence to try and pressure her clan elders into adopting a more modern outlook.

"On the day in question, she had taken an anti-gravity car, intending to take Sybok to visit one of the more remote of the clan's holy sites -one reserved for members of the clan's ruling family. Power in the northern clans is strictly hereditary, unlike the rest of the planet, and T-Rea was forbidden to take Sarek into the site but their son, being born to the clan princess, was allowed. T-Rea thought that Sarek being off-planet made it an ideal time to introduce Sybok to some of the unique aspects of northern clan life.

"T-Rea's marriage to Sarek had been arranged in the hopes that it would pacify the more ardent Surak followers and convince them that the northern region was finally fully embracing the Disciplines rather than giving only surface compliance. Being the youngest daughter, she was considered somewhat expendable. T-Pau consented to the arrangement hoping that with closer ties to the rest of Vulcan the northern houses would loose the reputation of backwardness they have gained in the last few centuries. The region was once considered an oasis of art and culture - a place separate from the clan wars of the desert regions. Before Surak, to be from a northern house was to be high born."

"And now they're the backwater hicks." Amanda supplied. "There's a girl at the house, Varen. She's from up there and the other's all treat her like she's retarded. But she's really just a little less...reserved."

Sevok nodded. "They do not emphasise the Disciplines to the same degree and, as a result, they do not generally send their children to the better schools and they rarely hold high position within the planetary government. They retain their clan seats on counsel but little else."

"So T-Rea was going to show Sybok where she grew up?"

"Yes." Sevok turned back to the window. "Keep in mind that T-Rea had turned her back on most of her people's customs. She had worked hard to acquire the Disciplines as a child, often learning on her own what our children are guided through. I often suspected this was to some degree due to her bond with Sarek. She was strong enough telepathically that she was most likely able to feel his early attempts at meditiation through the base bond. When she was old enough, T-Pau brought her to Shi'Kahr and over saw her training personally. It was then that the northern girl named Realris became T-Rea."

"She even changed her name?" Amanda shook her head. "She really did turn her back on them."

"Not entirely." Sevok leaned forward slightly. "She still held a high position within her clan, being both a daughter of the matriarch and a priestess. She continued to try and influence the clan at every gathering and with Sarek's help they offered scholarships to any children from the clan that wished to attend the VSA - provided they passed their entrance exams. While the north is the primary provider of healers and the area is still considered the seat of learning for that art, their schools are not capable of giving young scientists in the other subjects the necessary background. They only retain their reputation for the highest quality healers because a certain amount of empathy is important in that role. Northerners find this easier than many that have embraced a more rigid interpretation of the Disciplines.

"A problem arose because a certain number of her clan thought that by offering the scholarships she was helping to steal the clan's children and deliver them to a rival clan. Sadly, none of us thought that such a mentality could still exist so many years after Surak. T-Rea and Sarek had never even entertained the possibility that their actions could be considered a threat to her clan. They only wished to offer more opportunities so that her people would not be so isolated."

"Oh my god." Amanda's hand flew to her mouth. "You aren't saying what I think you are saying, are you?"

"Someone sabotaged the aircar. They were well over the northern ocean when the engine failed and the craft lost altitude. And, while by Earth standards, Vulcan's one ocean is nothing more than a good sized lake, it is still more than capable of drowning a victim." Sevok shook his head sadly. "When the aircar hit the surface it crumpled the front end. T-Rea was pinned inside the wreckage and Sybok could not free her. She knew she was going to die and tried to pass her _katra_ but was unable. She ordered Sybok into the water and told him to swim away and not look back. Sybok was barely five years old.

"The rescue party found him alone, desperately treading water, and staring at the wreckage, not 10 minutes later. By then the aircar had already filled with water and started to sink - and T-Rea was dead."

Amanda hugged herself tightly. "Did they find out who did it?"

"Her brother."

"Her..." Amanda shivered. "What happened to him?"

Sevok closed his eyes briefly. "He was banished from Vulcan. His bond with his betrothed was broken by the high-priestess and all ties with our people were severed. Not even his own mother could understand his actions. Not once did he deny his guilt, claiming even as he was loaded into the shuttle headed off planet that what he had done was for the good of the clan. I have always hoped it was his youth speaking, but I think he believed it to his end. It is my understanding he was killed a year later over a gambling dispute. He'd tried to count cards and the human he was playing against didn't offer second chances."

Amanda took a shaky breath. "But the rest of his clan? They don't still think Sarek's out to steal their children do they?"

"No." Sevok shook his head. "The few who did were so shocked by the crime that they dropped any discussion of such an intent. The situation was aided by Sarek agreeing to allow Sybok to remain with his mother's clan for training as a healer. Now that this has changed there may be a few who question Sarek's intent, but I doubt anything will come of it. The event is such a dark stain on the clan's consciousness they will seek to remove any hint of similar thoughts or action." Sevok steepled his fingers. "The serving girl you spoke of was the murder's betrothed. She was disgraced by her would-be-bondmate's actions and had few prospects in the north. As a sign of healing, T-Pau agreed to betroth her to one of her clan's sons. It is unfortunate that the girl is now twice widowed before she is ever married."

"Twice?" Amanda's eyes widened. "Sarek told me she was betrothed to an aide, but he didn't say it was Sartok. What happens to her now?"

Sevok shrugged. "She must wish to remain with Sarek's clan as she is still in his house. She is free to chose her own path now. With her first betrothal she was given to T-Rea's clan. With her second she was given to T-Pau. Knowing T-Pau she will not force a third betrothal on the girl. Even though the bonds were not fully develeoped, the loss of two in such short a time would be devastating."

"She wanted to talk to me." Amanda confessed quietly. "I just haven't had the time."

"She knows you carried Sartok's _katra,_" Sevok said gently, "She may ask for a meld, to see hints of him that may be left. It could help her heal."

"I can't even imagine." Amanda shivered again and then pursed her lips. "We haven't talked about you, Sevok. How are you doing?"

"I would think it is somewhat obvious." Sevok shifted to look back out the window. "I am," he paused and let out a slow breath, "adrift." He closed his eyes. "For over two centuries she was with me, parted from me but never parted. Now, now we do not touch and I find there is no way to heal this wound."

"Oh Sevok, I..."

"Hush." He turned back and gave a small tiny Vulcan smile. "I live and I am assured that in time I will not feel as though I walk through quicksand. I grieve, in the Vulcan way, and I accept. I know T-Sehl is not gone, that what she was, is preserved. The grief grows more manageable with every meditation. It is only," his voice cracked slightly, "I miss her."

Amanda leaned forward and squeezed his arm. "We all do, Sevok. We all do."


	38. Awkwardness

"So...how was your trip?"

The small boy raised an eyebrow. "Is this an attempt at what father says you humans call 'small talk'?" His dark eyes stared hard.

Amanda sighed and suppressed a shiver. There was something off in that boy's stare. "A poor one, but yes," she replied in a controlled voice.

"Father says such attempts are generally an indication of unease or a desire to attend to a human form of social etiquette that avoids silence." Sybok gave a small frown. "Why would asking unnecessary questions be a requirement for polite behavior?"

Amanda gave another sigh. "Because humans don't like to sit silently in a room with others. We feel conversation is a necessity. Based on the number of questions you've asked in the last half hour I'm beginning to think Vulcans do as well."

"An erroneous conclusion. My questions have been pertinent to the situation."

"Asking how my hair was bleached is not a pertinent question." Amanda crossed her arms. "And for the fourth time it is _naturally_ blond."

"I fail to understand how that could be an evolutionary development. The color would not protect from the sun."

"But it does help with camouflage in the middle of a wheat field." Amanda smirked as Sybok's shoulders drooped. "Piece of advice, don't argue with another species on the evolutionary developments. You'll either lose or make an enemy."

Sybok's frowned deepened. "I will remember."

Amanda bit her lip. "I wonder when your father will get back?"

"You said he was in consultation with the new Vulcan ambassador to Earth. He will likely be gone for hours." Sybok fidgeted. "I should have called ahead."

"No." Amanda waved it off. "This is your home, Sybok. You don't need to call ahead. I just...hadn't expected to have to introduce myself." She smiled. "Now, how was your trip?"

"You will keep asking that until I answer, won't you?"

"Yes."

Sybok sighed. "It was uneventful."

Amanda frowned. "How old are you again?"

"I will turn seven in three cycles."

"Seven going on seventy." Amanda leaned back into the sofa. "So what's the real deal?"

"I do not understand." Sybok frowned. "What deal?"

"You getting kicked out of school." Amanda leaned forward and stared Sybok hard in the eye. "Obviously you've the self possession to keep your cool. And from what I've heard, the school you were in was in the north and more lenient about emotionalisms anyway. You were on your way to being a healer. Why did you get yourself kicked out?"

"You believe I did so on purpose."

Amanda snorted. "Had to have." She leaned back again, satisfied that her attempt at intimidation had worked as Sybok began to squirm slightly in his seat. "Now, what made you do that? If you'd wanted to come back here you'd have only had to ask Sarek. He's been missing you."

"I doubt that." Sybok crossed his arms and glared, something of the child finally appearing. "He's never taken much of an interest."

"He's a busy diplomat, Sybok, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care." Amanda frowned. "The two of you shouldn't have separated after your mother's death. I'm sure you both needed one another."

"Perhaps. But father was assigned to Earth." Sybok looked away. "And T-Pau thought it best if I went with mother's clan for political reasons."

"Did anybody ask you?"

"No." Sybok glared at the wall. "So I took matters into my own hands."

Amanda laughed. "Next time try talking to your father first. It might save you burning a few bridges. Regardless, I'm glad you're here."

Sybok turned back to her clearly surprised. "Why would you want me back here? I am, what do you humans call it? Baggage?"

Amanda shrugged. "A lot of people would think that. But I knew you were part of the deal when I signed on. You're a kid, not extra luggage. While I might not know what to say to you, I'm still glad you're here. You mean a lot to your father and I want him happy."

"Happiness is an emotion."

"Alright, I want him content." Amanda shrugged. "Whatever adjective you prefer. He worries about you and I think he'd be more at ease with you around."

Sybok crossed his arms. "You're going to take him back to Earth as soon as the charges are lifted. I'll never see him again."

"Boy, you are a paranoid one." Amanda sighed. "We _are_ planning a trip to Earth." Sybok looked smug. "But," Amanda smirked. "We're planning on taking you with us. And it'll be a short trip."

"Really?" Sybok leaned forward, an eager look lighting his eyes. "I'm going to get to go off-world?"

"If these blasted charges ever get lifted, yes." Amanda smiled softly. "There's this big holiday celebration in a few months, back on Earth. My family usually has this big get together, all the extended relatives and my cousins I don't see very often. I thought it would be a good time to introduce you and your father."

"You are taking us to a Christmas celebration?" Sybok tried to hide a smile. "I have read about those. Will there be a lighted conifer?"

Amanda laughed. "A Christmas tree? Yes, we always have one. When did you read about this?"

"When father informed me of his intention to bond with you. I started researching." Sybok bit his lip. "Will there be snow? I do not know if I will like snow."

"Maybe. It's cold that time of year where I'm from. Sometimes we have snow but not always." Amanda grinned. "But I'll bet there will be some before New Year's and we'll stay that long at least."

"Can you teach me to sled? And ice-skate? And make snow balls?" Sybok couldn't help the smile that started to form.

Amanda chuckled. "So long as we don't give your father a heart attack! I'm more than happy to introduce you to winter sports."

Sybok's grin faded. "Will he let me?"

"I suppose you will have to ask." Sarek's voice surprised them both causing them to jump. "But there is a significant possibility that he will."

"Sarek!" Amanda smiled and muttered, 'Thank god' under her breath. "You finally got my message."

Sarek nodded. "Indeed. Sybok," He walked forward and put his hands on his son's shoulders and nodded once down at him. "It is agreeable to see you again, however I was not expecting you till late this evening."

"Yes, father." Sybok leaned into his father's touch. "I took the earlier transport."

"We should discuss the reason for your relocation," Sarek stated firmly and Sybok's shoulders dropped. "However, it is time for the end of day meal. Have you eaten since leaving?"

"No." Sybok looked down. "Your wife offered to get me food but I wasn't hungry."

"Perhaps you could eat now?" Sarek asked softly. Sybok nodded. "Good. I had your things moved up to this wing, the next door down. Go and wash up. We will collect you on the way down."

"Yes, father." Sybok nodded at Amanda and quietly left.

"How much did you hear?" Amanda asked softly.

"The majority of it." Sarek replied just as softly. "I did not know he was so...upset."

"He lost his mother, Sarek. He's just as upset as you are, only he's a child. He doesn't know how to handle it." Amanda bit her lip and kept the rest of her suspicions to herself. "I think it's a good idea to keep him close - for now."

"Yes, I agree." Sarek gave a small frown. "This does not upset you?"

"Not in the least, husband." Amanda held out her paired fingers. "Not in the least."

* * *

"You met Sybok yesterday." T-Pau asked bluntly.

Amanda fidgeted. "Yes."

"Thoughts?"

"What do you mean?"

T-Pau tiled her head to the side. "I wish to know your impressions of the child."

Amanda bit her lip. "He's lonely. He misses his mother. He's not sure he can trust Sarek not to abandon him."

"This is obvious. But what do you _think _about him."

Amanda shifted uncomfortably. "There's something," she hesitated, "...off about him."

T-Pau nodded. "Yes, I know. But I am unable to determine the cause."

"He tried," Amanda swallowed. "He tried to influence me. It was subtle, but I could feel it. My grandmother taught us to recognize it."

"Sarek informed me of your unique ancestry." T-Pau gave a swift nod. "This is why I asked you what you thought of the child. I have noticed similar attempts in the past. Sarek thinks it is unintentional."

"But you don't."

"Correct."

Amanda bit her lip. "He's just a kid. Maybe he doesn't know how to control it."

"Do you believe this?"

"I've only just met him." Amanda shivered. "But Sevok, he thinks there's something wrong too."

"The healers believe it is grief." T-Pau gave a small frown. "But this behavior started prior to T-Rea's death."

"Sevok said T-Rea was very gifted in the mind arts. Sarek isn't exactly a dud either. It's possible Sybok really doesn't know what he's doing. He's still so young." Amanda frowned. "My grandmother had stories, from her grandmother, about people who didn't know how to control it. Or when they figured it out they didn't realize the true potential. Passed themselves off as psychics and mediums - conmen. Maybe," Amanda grimaced, "Maybe Sybok's just not trained? Sarek said he'd never seen anything quite like what my family can do. Maybe Sybok's talent is just a little off from the Vulcan norm and the training practices aren't addressing his specific need. Have any of his tutors noticed a specific talent for telepathic influence?"

"The priestesses could not find any such talent. But such a specific manifestation of the mind gifts is rare - I do not recall such a case in modern record. Sybok rates a high psi 10 in the normal tests but if he's particularly gifted in one area the standard protocols may not apply." T-Pau sighed. "Nevertheless I think you are correct. He has a great ability to influence, more than is common in young children. This is not so problematic on Vulcan. The majority of the population is of enough psi strength to notice his attempts and to deflect them. But when you go to Earth you will need to monitor him."

"I'm not exactly trained, T-Pau." Amanda frowned. "I don't even register on the psi scale."

"Since our methods, and our scale, also seem to have missed Sybok's talent, perhaps his gifts are closer to yours in nature. Can your grandmother assist?"

"Only if you have a Ouija board. She died when I was 12." Amanda sighed. "The talent runs more strongly in the female line. I'm afraid I'm it. Adam has some ability but he's not going to be much help either. This isn't something we really 'train' for. Grandma tried to influence us as kids, so we'd know what it feels like and could try and fight it off. But mostly it was stuff like making us think it was our idea to do the dishes. Adam and I seem to be able to influence, to a degree, but he's never been able to block at all and I haven't a clue how to tell when another person is doing their thing unless I'm the victim. The trick is to always make someone do what they really wanted to in the first place but were too hesitant or too inhibited to do. It's subtle and hard to see. It's not like real telepathic talent and it doesn't require touch. I was able to give Smidler a little push to tell me his plan, but it only worked because his personality is naturally inclined to gloat. Had he not _wanted_ to tell me it wouldn't have worked. I'm not my great-grandmother. I can't force people to do what they don't want to."

Amanda shook her head. "Personally, I think the talent's dying out. I'm nowhere near as gifted as my grandmother and she wasn't anything compared to her mother. Whatever genetic tinkering the scientists did it's been so diluted in the last few centuries it's all but dead. I'm not going to be able to keep Sybok from using his talent on unsuspecting people, T-Pau. I could barely tell he was trying it on me. Whatever it is he's doing, it's far more advanced than anything I've come into contact with."

"And Sarek will never admit his son is a danger." T-Pau frowned. "This leaves us with one option. You will take T-Lar with you."

"T-Lar? But," Amanda frowned, "She can't leave. She's the clan matriarch now."

"I will see to her duties." T-Pau stood up to dismiss Amanda. "I will start work with her now. T-Sehl and I often assisted one another. I will do the same for T-Lar."

"No discussion?"

"I am matriarch." T-Pau raised an eyebrow and Amanda sighed.


	39. Stress

"Did you pack your warm clothes?"

"Yes."

"Extra socks? You'll need several sets."

"Yes."

"What about a hat and gloves? And that coat we found for you? You'll need them as soon as we go planet-side."

"Yes."

"What about..." Amanda started but Sarek interrupted her.

"Sybok has three suitcases of clothing, Amanda. He is more than ready for Earth winter." Sarek's mouth twitched. "In fact, we are both in possession of enough clothing to survive Andoria's polar region."

"Well, you can't blame me for double checking." Amanda glared and put her hands on her hips. "I had to completely redo T-Lar's luggage. She kept thinking about the temperature at the Embassy and not what it will be when we get to the lake house."

Sarek's eyebrow rose. "You re-packed for a matriarch?"

"She didn't do it right." Amanda shrugged. "Besides, I'm supposed to be her honored servant. I consider it part of the job description. Now, should I check your bags?"

Sarek backed up slightly. "I have been to Earth, I have packed accordingly."

"Are you sure?" Amanda asked. "Maybe I should just take a look anyway."

"Mandy," Adam chuckled from the doorway. "Stop it. If they have forgotten anything we can pick them up something new when we get to Earth." Adam shook his head. "If you're this bad with your poor step-son I don't want to see you if you ever have a biological child."

"She would likely secure him to her by a tether," Sybok responded, his dark eyes watching Amanda with trepidation.

"She's a real mother hen," Adam agreed. When Sybok looked confused Adam reached out and ruffled his hair. "I'll explain later, kid."

Sybok scowled and reached up to flatten his hair. "Will you stop doing that?"

"What?" Adam asked innocently. "You mean this?" He reached out and did it again.

"Father, will you not stop him?"

Sarek gave a small shrug. "Learn to dodge."

"Your grandfather's brother used to do the same thing to Sarek." Sevok's voice surprised them all as he moved out from behind Adam. "It is good to know there are similar customs between our species." Sevok nodded at Adam. "Arrangements are complete, Adam."

"Good." Adam's expression turned serious. "I wish Shras was here, but he's busy working on that Orion problem. I know Earth promised that all of this was just a formality and that they would drop charges as soon as Amanda appeared in court, but I don't like it. I have a bad feeling about all of this and I'd like his support."

Amanda sighed. "It's better this way. Earth's government will be less hostile if it's only the Vulcans accompanying me rather than two alien officials. At least there's a clear reason for Vulcan to be involved. Andoria, on the other hand, is a wild card and Earth's been particularly nasty whenever Shras' name comes up."

"His government is also most displeased with him for aiding our cause," Sarek acknowledged grimly. "It is best if he limits contact with us for a time or he risks dismissal. The Federation requires his skills too much for such a risk to be worth considering."

Sybok shifted restlessly. "Can we discuss this on the way?"

"T-Lar's meeting us at the space port." Amanda picked up her purse. "Sybok's right. We need to get going."

Sarek nodded. "The luggage is already downstairs in the aircar." He turned to Sevok, "Thank you. I will keep in contact while we are gone. Please inform me if there are any developments with the Orion issue that would require me. I believe Shras can handle matters but if the Orions are responsible for the latest pirate attacks there will be members of the Federation that will wish to move against them militarily. Vulcan will not back such a move and I may need to return to the Federation council more quickly than planned."

Sevok raised an eyebrow. "I am going with you."

"No, you're not." Amanda shook her head. "You're not well enough to go prancing around the galaxy. You need to stay here and recuperate."

"It matters little if I mourn here or on Earth," Sevok stated calmly. "It will be better to be of use. Since none of Sarek's current staff has experience on Earth, all those who did having been transferred to the staff of the new ambassador to Earth, Sarek will have need of me. Besides," Sevok paused and looked grimly at Amanda, "this is a personal family matter for Sarek and it would be improper to involve non-familiar members of staff. Since you are a member of my house and I am already aware of the nature of the situation my attendance will not violate your right to privacy."

"Sarek," Amanda turned to her husband. "Talk sense to him."

Sarek appraised his long time friend critically. "You do not look well, Sevok. But I understand your request. Are your bags prepared?"

"Of course." Sevok started out the door. "Are you coming, Amanda?"

"I...you...arrrgg!" Amanda sputtered. "There are times I could strangle you both."

"I doubt you have the physical strength," Sybok informed her as he followed Sevok out the door. "However, if you wished to use the element of surprise to your advantage I suggest not warning them."

"Don't push your luck, kid, or I'll add you to the list," Amanda muttered.

"Gee, Mandy. I can see why you loved teaching so much," Adam laughed and dodged the punch to arm. "What happened to Vulcan non-violence?"

"I like to keep violence in the family," Amanda quipped. "And I only married a Vulcan. I didn't become one."

"Legally," Sarek started but stopped as Amanda glared at him. "Sybok, perhaps we should give Amanda some space during the journey."

"Yes, Father," Sybok responded, a wary eye trained on his step-mother, "that would seem wise."

"Come on, you lot." Adam sighed dramatically. "T-Lar is waiting for us and we aren't getting any younger. Let's get this over with."

The trip from Vulcan to Earth was fairly uneventful. Adam couldn't help but good-naturedly tease Sybok, who for the most part couldn't understand what was going on. Which was fine by Adam, who just kept the teasing up anyway. Sevok watched the proceedings with his eyebrow permanently raised, intervening only to offer explanations to Sybok when something Adam said or did was enough to cause the child to frown in outright confusion.

Sarek seemed to think the experience was good for his son. "He needs to learn to adapt to other cultures," Sarek stated firmly when Amanda offered to get Adam to stop treating the boy like a human child. "If he does not wish to follow the path of a healer as was his mother's wish, then he should be prepared to follow in the traditions of my family instead. He will make a fine diplomat one day if he can begin to learn to handle diverse populations at this early stage."

T-Lar and her husband kept mostly to themselves on the journey. Amanda had a fair idea why, but there wasn't much opportunity to check on her friend. Someone was always around and she wasn't about to broach such a sensitive subject with witnesses milling about. When T-Lar did appear, she looked reasonably content and Amanda let it go at that. Sevok seemed to know something unusual was going on and was keeping close tabs on his brother. Amanda had a suspicion that he could count as well as T-Lar and knew that his brother was dangerously close to his time. Sarek, of course, seemed oblivious- or at least pretended to be.

T-Pau was taking care of T-Lar's clan business, as promised, and had spent the greater part of the last few weeks in consultation with T-Lar. Whenever Amanda stopped by to check in on them, a rather obvious book was sitting out on T-Pau's desk. T-Pau wasn't wasting any opportunities. Ever since, T-Lar had been eyeing Amanda with a new found level of respect and it made Amanda uncomfortable. She hadn't really done anything to deserve it.

Their ship was a small one, registered to Vulcan's diplomatic service, so it was passed through planetary security without a search. Adam sighed in relief as they pulled into space dock. "Okay. So far so good. We haven't been boarded and Amanda made it through without being arrested."

Amanda snorted. "Yeah, but as soon as I step out of this thing I will be." She could feel Sarek tense and Amanda put a gentle hand on his arm. "It's alright. We planned for this, remember?"

Sarek nodded, his body remaining tense. "I am not comfortable with the idea of you spending even a single night in custody."

"It's only for a few days." Amanda smiled softly. "They promised to have a quick hearing and to drop the charges if I came back. We've got it in writing. They want this over as much as we do. Besides, I'm not going to jail. They are going to hold me in custody in the diplomatic wing. I'll only be away from you for a few hours while they do the processing. Then, they'll have a guard escort me back to our quarters and watch the door to make sure I don't leave. Nothing to it."

Sevok nodded. "I have gone over the agreement several times, Sarek. They appear earnest in their desire to end this. Smidler and his people have been disgraced and there is no longer anyone in power wishing to use Amanda as an example. I believe the human phrase is they are sweeping it under the carpet?"

"Under the rug," Adam corrected. "They want to sweep it under the rug."

"What is the difference?" Sybok asked.

"Carpets are nailed down, rugs are loose," Amanda supplied absentmindedly. "I think. They're pretty much interchangeable." She sighed. "Okay, how do I look? There are bound to be cameras out there."

"They promised no cuffs," Adam reminded her. "So all you should have to do is walk off with them."

"Right." Amanda took a deep breath. "Walk off with the guards with the phasers...calmly. Yeah." She shivered. "Right."

"We can return to Vulcan," Sarek offered.

T-Lar nodded. "Yes, Amanda. It is not too late to forget about this deal."

"No. No, we need to do this. I can't hinder your career and movements by being a wanted fugitive forever." Amanda steeled herself and started out the door. "Let the show begin."


	40. Danger

Amanda flinched as the two armed guards escorting her snapped to attention, their uniforms jingling menacingly and, from what she could see through the doorway, their bodies tensing.

Sarek and the others had stayed behind, as agreed, and only Amanda and Adam had been allowed into the holding facility in the spaceport after she'd been arrested. Adam was currently filling out paperwork while she was supposed to be 'processed'. Only the guards hadn't taken her for a DNA scan or fingerprinting or even a strip search. Instead, they'd led her down a long dark hallway to an empty room where they'd promptly taken up positions on either side of the door after activating a security field across the entryway. Amanda didn't know how long it had been since she'd been left in the room, but she'd gotten used to the somewhat slouched guards outside the door. The startling change from bored guard to at alert soldier was disconcerting.

"At ease gentleman," a masculine voice said with authority from the hallway. "I don't believe she's a threat."

"Yes, sir!" came the instant reply and Amanda could see the two men slowly back away. "She's been compliant."

"I wouldn't have expected less," the mysterious voice answered. There was a short pause as the man punched in some kind of a code and the security field flickered before disappearing into the wall.

Amanda straightened in her chair, expecting to see another bureaucrat. When the President of Earth walked through she couldn't help but stare, her eyes wide.

"Ms. Grayson," President Mungumbi greeted her neutrally. "Thank you for agreeing to see me."

Amanda's eyebrow went up. "Agree? I don't remember getting an invitation, although I could check with your friends out there. Perhaps they dropped it when they were cuffing me in the space dock?"

The tall man chuckled. "I see being married to a Vulcan hasn't dampened your sense of humor."

Amanda crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "Actually, prolonged exposure tends to make one even more inclined to it than normal."

"Coping mechanism, I would suppose." He pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down slowly. "I would ask if your trip was uneventful but I'm getting the impression you aren't one for the small talk."

"Not when I'm in a holding cell."

Mungumbi grinned, his white teeth flashing in the artificial lighting. "I find the longer I'm in this position, the more I find myself falling back on tired old topics and mindless chatter. So much of diplomacy is simply being seen and seeing, conversing for the sake of appearances. Substance, I'm afraid, is a luxury that I no longer have."

Amanda frowned. "I'd always suspected politicians were shallow. How kind of you to confirm it for me."

The man gave another chuckle. "Most people are nervous around the President."

"I'm married to Sarek of Vulcan. Very little makes me nervous anymore." Amanda replied coldly. She'd never admit she was nervous, or that she was tapping into her bond to Sarek to remain so calm, but damn it, she wasn't giving this man an inch. "What is it you wanted to discuss with me?"

Mungumbi's expression sobered. "I find that we are in a rather precarious position, Ms. Grayson. As you are aware, Smidler and his group have been rather publically ousted, in no small part to your press conference and the efforts of your cousin, Adam Grayson. This has created quite a stir here on Earth. And your marriage has also been the topic of a great deal of conversation."

"I had no idea that the President would take a personal interest in my love life." Amanda pursed her lips. "Or is it less personal and more political? Do you want me to publically back you or denounce you? Which is more likely to get you re-elected? I didn't bother checking the popularity polls this morning. If it helps, I voted for the other guy."

"You'll find they are split 50/50 on whether you're a romantic hero or a traitor." Mungumbi shrugged. "What concerns me is not your political leanings or your stance on my re-election campaign. I'm more interested in what you intend to do about these charges."

The hair on Amanda's neck stood on end. "I was promised they'd be dropped if I returned. We were guaranteed that the matter would be settled - quietly."

The President raised his hands and made a dismissive gesture. "Possession is nine tenths of the law, madam, as I am sure you are aware. While on Vulcan you were not in our control. Here, in this room, the matter is changed. I simply wish to know whether you still maintain your innocence in the matter now that you are outside of Sarek's influence."

Amanda snorted. "I'm bonded to him, Mr. President. I _can't _be outside his influence, or he mine. The Vulcan marriage bond is a telepathic connection - as I'm sure your intelligence teams have already informed you."

"I only meant it in a metaphorical sense." He shrugged lightly. "I must admit that this entire situation caught me something by surprise. None of my advisors were aware of Smidler's maneuvering until charges had already been brought against you. Had I known I would have stopped it. It's not good for business so to speak. Earth must remain competitive in the galaxy and airing our dirty laundry so publically isn't the best way to go about doing that. I, like you, intend for this to fade quietly into the background. But in order for that to happen you must claim some responsibility. Otherwise it could be seen as Earth's government capitulating to the Vulcans. That cannot happen."

"I'm not pleading guilty to treason." Amanda shook her head furiously. "The most you'll get me to agree to, is to plead guilty to violating the Allocations system. The tax charges and the treason are out of the question."

Mungumbi frowned. "That is simply not going to be enough, I'm afraid. As I said, the situation is precarious. Earth/Vulcan relations have always been strained. Many still feel they are keeping us from advancing technologically, holding back on vital information and keeping Earth from our rightful place in the galaxy. If we back down completely on these charges it will be seen by the majority as another sign of Earth bowing to our Vulcan overlords. That is not politically expedient."

"I don't care what's politically expedient. I'm not going to admit to something I didn't do just to save your skin."

"Not my skin, Ms. Grayson, Earth's skin." Mungumbi sighed heavily. "When I took this office I had ideals, plans for the future. I thought the Allocations system was a step in the right direction and that soon Earth could be not only a founding member of the Federation but the shining light in it. What I discovered was that Earth isn't ready for that kind of responsibility. We're still too selfish and mired in our own petty interests. But part of the narcissism is the belief that we are _right_ and that we aren't in any way culturally centrist or biased. We are blinded by our own pomp and flash. Because we say we believe in universal equality, we see ourselves as the flawless champions of that ideal and we ignore, dismiss, or discredit anyone and anything that challenges that viewpoint. I have had to table my plans, curb my ideals, and deal with the reality of the situation. Earth stands at the precipice of greatness, Ms. Grayson. We are poised to become either great leaders in the galaxy or the neighborhood bully. The choice is going to largely hinge on the next few planetary elections. If the people feel threatened by Vulcan they will vote in conservatives, pro-Earthers bent on keeping us isolated and building up our military. But if we make the voters feel that we have the upper hand, they will likely side with the liberals and we'll have a little more time to work to make the illusion we've fooled ourselves into a reality."

Amanda squirmed uncomfortably in her seat. "So you'll have me believe all this is for Earth? Not because it's your party you want to see elected."

"I do want to see my party elected," he admitted quietly, "Because I believe we are better suited to this time and the needs of Earth." He looked up at her and smiled softly. "And I know you voted for me, Ms. Grayson. You even made a donation to the campaign. I looked you up."

"Things change. That was before the government decided I was a traitor - before even the Allocation system."

He shook his head. "Not the government, Ms. Grayson. Only a small element of it. You yourself are too idealistic if you believe we will ever overcome greed or lust for power."

"Yet you'd have me believe you are without it."

"Hardly. I quite like being President and I don't intend to give it up until I have to." Mungumbi grinned. "Not that I'll admit that publically."

"Get to the point, Mungumbi. If you have one."

He reached into his pocket and slid a piece of paper across the table. "This is a statement I would like you to read at tomorrow's hearings. There's nothing too damning in it, I assure you. You'll plead guilty to the Allocations violations and admit to aiding the Vulcan and Andorian governments during negotiations - but you will stand firm in your belief that these acts were not treason according to Earth or Federation law. Simple truth, Ms. Grayson, is often the most powerful of all political weapons. No one will be able to deny that you were involved and the law is clear, you were not in violation of it."

Amanda opened the statement and read it quickly, her brow furrowing. "But that's not all. You want me to throw myself on the mercy of the court? You're basically having me plead no contest to _treason?"_

"You won't be pleading guilty."

"It's the same thing!" Amanda shoved the paper back. "No."

Mungumbi frowned and stood up. "Think on it, Ms. Grayson. Discuss this with your legal council and your husband. There are a great many things you do not understand about this world you have entered. You must learn to play the game, madam, if not for your sake then for your husband's. For Earth and for Vulcan. You've become a piece on our chessboard. If you don't like the moves we give you, I suggest you start planning ahead of us."

* * *

"I'm so sorry, Mandy. I had no idea he'd pull something like this." Adam frowned down at the written statement. "Although I should have. I squared off with him once during a debate competition at university. He's a right smart cookie."

Sarek shook his head, his back turned to the group and his gaze focused out across the courtyard. "I find that Earth politics are somewhat more energetic than I'd anticipated when I took my original post here. There are enough machinations for two planets." He tapped the glass and frowned at the lack of sound it produced. "These windows are blast-proof. Did they expect we would try to break Amanda out of holding?"

"We're in a secure wing," Adam sighed. "These rooms are basically a well decorated prison cell. Amanda's not going anywhere. We're free to go and come as we please but we'll have to pass through several security check points each time."

"I found the experience rather unpleasant," T-Lar admitted quietly. "What was that procedure again?"

"Frisking," Adam supplied with a wince. "Normally they'd have had a female guard do that to you. I believe the man who did was the Captain in charge and he was," Adam paused and flushed, "Taking liberties."

Sevan frowned slightly. "He will not be doing so again."

"Sevan," Sevok warned, "T-Lar is more than capable of handling the matter herself."

"Oh, I'll handle it," T-Lar muttered, her tone frigid. "Amanda?"

"Yes?"

"Your family property has a swamp on it, does it not?"

Amanda chuckled. "I think I'm rubbing off on you."

Sarek turned around a frowned. "What would a swamp have to do with this conversation?"

"It's where you hide the bodies," Amanda and Adam responded instantly before nearly falling over laughing.

"Thank you, T-Lar," Amanda managed to get out after she'd brought her laughter under control. "I can't believe you remembered that joke."

Sevok raised an eyebrow. "I am not sure she was joking."

"What joke?" Sarek asked, finally coming to sit next his wife.

Amanda waved her hand dismissively. "It's an old family joke that we used the swamp to hide bodies in. When I was at the Academy there was a rather annoying little man that used to follow me around everywhere. I made a comment one day at lunch to T-Lar that it was too bad I didn't have a swamp handy. After I explained the reference it took me weeks to convince her it was a joke."

"Your family has a morbid since of humor," Sybok replied from his position on the floor, his portable computer propped up on his knees. "Besides, you were on Vulcan. The desert would have worked perfectly."

"Precisely," T-Lar acknowledged, "Which is what I threatened him with to get him to leave Amanda alone."

"So _that's_ what made him stop." Amanda smiled. "Do you want me to threaten the guard? Not sure it would do much good at the moment, but I do owe you one."

"I will handle the situation." T-Lar's eyes flashed. "I do not care for such _liberties_ being taken with my person." Her husband looked positively murderous at the thought.

Sevok cleared his throat. "While this conversation is oddly fascinating," he eyed his brother critically, "we do need to reach a decision with regard to the statement."

"There's no decision to reach." Amanda stood up and glared out the window. "I have no intention of reading it, come hell or high water."

* * *

"Amanda?" Sybok asked quietly, later that evening. "Do you know when the others will return?"

Amanda looked up from her book to smile down at her stepson where he was spread out on the rug with his schoolwork. "Your guess is as good as mine. Sarek wanted to make some calls and the computers here aren't secure, so he went to the Vulcan embassy and took Sevok with him. Adam's trying to pull in a few favors with the press and T-Lar and Sevan wanted to be alone. I'm afraid it's just you and me for now."

Sybok looked down at the pile of schoolwork and then back up at Amanda. "I am having difficulty with my warp physics calculations and require assistance. Do you have knowledge in this area?"

"Ah..." Amanda flushed. "No." She looked down at the PADD and the swirling Vulcan numerals and shivered. " Definitely not. I'm afraid you'll have to wait till Sarek gets back."

"Father prefers to assist me with computer programming or linguistic work." Sybok turned away slightly. "Mother was always the one to help with physics. She was more interested in the hard sciences then Father. He is competent, but his interests are not directed there. Now that Mother is gone, I find I have more difficulty with schoolwork in the areas I know she found fulfillment in. It is as if with her loss, she took the root of them with her."

"It's okay that you miss her." Amanda put her book down and moved to sit next to him on the floor. "It's natural."

"It is not the Vulcan way." Sybok stood up quickly, his small face twisting with barely checked anger. "Why could I not save her?" He turned quickly and glared at Amanda. "What does that say for me as a Vulcan, as a son? I could not assist my own mother."

"You did everything you could," Amanda insisted quietly, "And that makes you a wonderful son. And missing her, being angry that she's gone, that doesn't make you less of a Vulcan, Sybok. Your father feels the same way, he's just come to terms with it, moved past it. But he'll always feel her loss. A part of him will always be just a bit broken because of it." Amanda looked up, her eyes watering. "I can't fill the hole she left, Sybok. I don't even want to try. But you can always talk to me about it, about her. I'll listen."

Sybok looked skeptical. "You would not find it offensive for me to discuss her?"

"She was your _mother_, Sybok. I'd find it offensive if you didn't."

Sybok's eyes narrowed. "You are an unusual step-mother."

"I'd hope so since I'm a different species!" Amanda smiled and patted the rug next to her. "Now come back down here and maybe between the two of us we can look up the answer to your physics problem. I may not be able to solve it myself, but I'm wicked good with an index."

Sybok slowly lowered himself back down to the rug. "Are you sure you wish to spend your evening helping me?"

" Part of the job description for a step-mom," Amanda shrugged and frowned at the complicated problem on the PADD. "Not that I promise success, mind you, only a second pair of eyes on this."

"That will be sufficient." Sybok picked up a second PADD and switched it on. "I believe the answer should lie in the fourth volume of the T-Kelf text. I read the material some time ago but I did not grasp the necessary details."

"Right. It's a place to start." Amanda tabbed to the right text and sighed. "I really should have paid more attention in science class."

It took them over an hour to find the right section of the book and once he had the explanation in front of him, Sybok seemed to understand where he'd gone wrong and started scribbling away at his homework again. Amanda set down her PADD and sighed in relief, a large yawn taking her by surprise. She glanced at the clock, noticing for the first time that they'd worked through dinner. She leaned her head back against the sofa and gave another large yawn. She'd find something for Sybok to eat once she'd rested her eyes for a minute.

* * *

"Amanda?" Sybok's voice whispered in her ear, " _ri yuk-tor_." He shook her shoulder and whispered with more urgency, "_ri yuk-tor!_ Wake up!"

Amanda groaned and blinked her eyes open to find Sybok's worried gaze inches from hers. She started to try and sit up but Sybok's hands held her down while his worried gaze flickered past her.

"_Be still. They are watching_," he whispered in High Vulcan. "_They believe you are still unconscious."_

Amanda held perfectly still, her head throbbing. "_What happened?"_ she whispered back, also in High Vulcan. The pain in her head was making it hard to think.

Sybok crouched back down, pretending to cuddle up next to her. "_You fell asleep and I could not wake you. There was an unusual odor in the air, it made me light headed. I went to call father at the embassy but three men rushed into the room. They grabbed me before I could reach the comm and they brought us here. It has been five hours. You would not wake."_

Amanda tried to keep her breathing calm as she realized what was causing her pain. "_Sybok_," she felt tears prickle her eyes. "_I can't feel Sarek_."

"_Nor can I." _Sybok frowned deeply. "_They are dampening our bonds somehow. I cannot reach him through the parental bond at all._" His little hand reached for hers between their bodies and this time he did cuddle close. "_Do you think he is dead?"_

"_I don't know,_" Amanda whispered back. "_Lord help me, but I don't know."_

"She's awake," a voice called out behind her and Amanda stiffened, drawing Sybok as close to her as possible.


	41. Distress

A/N: Well, I'd planned on this being the last chapter but the plot got away with me. The good news, while this isn't the last chapter, I have the rest of the story pretty much written. You should be getting updates once a week until the end. Which is coming. There will be more stories in the universe as time goes on but I can't promise when - which I guess is the bad news. :) This will most likely be the last author's note. From here on out, it's pure story. Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing. And now for the climax...

* * *

Amanda sat up and pushed Sybok behind her before turning towards the voice and glaring. "Who are you and how dare you kidnap us!"

The man smirked but said nothing. He turned and left the room, the door sliding shut behind him. Amanda slowly climbed to her feet and took stock of their surroundings. They were in a cage of some kind in the middle of a much larger, but empty, room. The bars of the cage were easily two inches thick and they glowed slightly indicating they were carrying some kind of charge. Amanda took off her scarf and tossed it at the bars. They snapped and fizzed and the scarf fell smoking to the floor.

"I don't need to tell you not to touch the bars, do I?" Amanda asked softly, rubbing her head in a vain attempt to get her headache to go away.

"Indeed," Sybok agreed, his voice slightly shaky. "I had noticed they were powered and had not attempted it."

Amanda nodded. "Have you noticed if that was the only door? Has anyone come in or out since they put us here?"

"_They put a hood over my head_." Sybok clutched at her hand tightly, answering in High Vulcan. "_I could not see anything until they put us in this cage. When they took us, we were loaded in some kind of vehicle, an aircar I believe. We were in the air for six point two minutes before landing. There was no wind when we were taken from the car so I believe we are inside some kind of hangar or garage. We walked for three point seven minutes to arrive at this location and we passed through at least four secured doors. I heard them entering some kind of code_."

"_Do you think they can understand us?" _Amanda asked.

"_No,_" Sybok responded, a small frown appearing on his face. "_When they first put us here I thought it best if I pretended not to understand Earth Standard. I responded to them in Vulcan and they were confused. They brought in a translating device. The next time I spoke, I tested it with several common High Vulcan terms and it was unable to translate them unless they closely resembled modern Vulcan._"

"_Then we should keep our use of it to a minimum,"_ Amanda stated calmly. "_We don't want to give them enough to start figuring it out_."

Sybok nodded and clutched her hand tightly again. He closed his eyes and Amanda felt a prickling at the back of her mind. There was the oddest sensation, like a soft breeze in her head, and she caught the barest trace of words, _**Can you hear me?**_

Amanda started and looked down at him in surprise. The prickling increased and she felt his voice whisper again, slightly louder this time. _**They cannot translate this.**_

Amanda closed her own eyes and tightened her grip on his hand. _**Sybok?**_

_**I can hear you, step-mother.**_ His mind's voice whispered.

Amanda started to respond when the door slid open across the room and she lost her concentration. Amanda pushed Sybok behind her again and turned to face the newcomer, making sure to keep Sybok's hand firmly in hers.

"Smidler!" Amanda couldn't hide her surprise as she recognized the man. "What the hell do you think you're doing!"

The former Ambassador raised an eyebrow. "Such language, and in front of a child. Although my people tell me he doesn't speak Standard."

"Not much," Amanda lied. "I haven't had a chance to teach him much beyond hello and where's the bathroom."

"And 'wake up'," Smidler noted, leaning against the wall as far from the cage as he could get. "I was watching him on the view screen. He called to you in Earth Standard."

Amanda shrugged. "I told you, he knows a little. Not enough to hold a conversation. He's only seven."

Smidler shrugged. "Doesn't matter, I suppose. We have you and you aren't going anywhere."

"And what, pray tell, do you think you've accomplished with this stupid move?" Amanda asked, her voice hard. She tried to concentrate on Smidler, to influence him as she had before, but her head hurt too much for her to focus.

"Did you really think all I was after was an end to the Allocations system?" Smidler shook his head. "If that was the case, why in the world would I have taken a post on Vulcan?"

Amanda narrowed her eyes. "So why don't you enlighten me?"

"And have you spoil my plans for a second time?" Smidler snorted. "No, Ms. Grayson, I don' t think so. I won't fall for it again, especially with you all alone with a mere seven year old instead of your Vulcan guards. Whatever alien mind trick they played last time won't happen again, I assure you. And just in case, I had that cage outfitted with a special force-field a friend of mine in Star Fleet R&D has been working on. It dampens all telepathic signals. You couldn't hocus pocus your way out of it even if that kid was somehow a boy wonder. No Vulcan tricks this time."

Amanda closed her eyes briefly in relief. "The cage blocks all telepathic signals?"

"All." Smidler's smirk disappeared as he noticed her reaction. "Why are you smiling?"

"Sarek's alive then."

"Of course that bastard's alive. This wouldn't work if I had killed him." Smidler frowned as he noticed Sybok's attempt to hide his own smile. "Now the kid's happy too." The man slammed his fist into the wall. "Fine. I'm done with you. You can sit here and rot." Smidler turned and keyed in the door code. "You may have made things more complicated, Grayson, but in the end you've played right into my hands." And he was gone.

Amanda sank slowly to the ground and Sybok climbed immediately into her lap, laying his head on her shoulder, his breath making hot puffs on her neck.

_**What did he mean?**_ Sybok asked softly, _**And if the forcefield blocks telepathic signals how am I able to communicate with you?**_

_**I don't know. **_Amanda hugged him closer. _**Perhaps it only works on non-physical telepathy or maybe it can only stop signals from going across it. Since we're both inside we can still communicate. **_Amanda frowned. _**Sybok, who taught you to do this? Sarek told me your people can't normally communicate in words, at least not this clearly, not even when touching. **_

_**My mother taught me. We often talked this way. **_Sybok sighed softly. _**Such direct communication is rare on Vulcan. Mother had many gifts, most of which father could only guess at. She started teaching me very young but she died before I was fully trained. She did not want anyone to know her talents. During the Old Times such gifts were considered valuable, but on Modern Vulcan they are considered dangerous. If the High Priestesses found out how far her gifts extended they would have demanded she retreat to the temples and give up outside life.**_

Amanda could feel his sadness and worry and she kissed the top of his head. _**I'm glad she taught you what she could. You must be very powerful to be able to hear me. I can't broadcast like a Vulcan.**_

_**You feel strange. **_Sybok agreed, _**But you do broadcast in your own way. I have taken the last few weeks to begin to try and...**_he seemed to struggle for the concept..._**translate you. Father told me he thinks your family has some ability but that it is diluted.**_

_**Mutated more like. **_Amanda brought a hand up to rub her temple. _**It's a long story.**_

Sybok mentally nodded. _**You did something to that man before, didn't you? He blames the Vulcans but it was you.**_

_**Yes. **_Amanda admitted. _**But I'm not telepathic, Sybok, not really. I can just influence sometimes - give people a little bit of a push. And I'm very good at reading people's intentions and emotions, what they mean not just what they say. It's closer to empathy than telepathy and it makes me a good translator. **_

Sybok was quiet for a moment before turning so his face was hidden in the fabric of her dress. _** Influencing people is bad. Father made me promise not to do it anymore or the priestesses might come after me. T-Pau also advised me to keep my abilities a secret. They are frightened of me.**_

Amanda nodded and then rested her chin on his head. _**It can be scary, especially to people that don't have the ability themselves. It's certainly nothing to be done lightly. My family have always had to hide this gift. If they found us, we'd have been killed. **_

_**Father says to never ever do it. So do T-Pau and the others. They say Surak would have condemned it, that it is bad and harmful.**_

Amanda pulled away and put her hand under his chin forcing him to look at her. _**I know you can influence too, Sybok, I've known for a long time. T-Pau and I have discussed it. **_Sybok's eyes widened. _**She asked if I could train you to control it better, or if someone else in my family might be able to. Unfortunately, it's not something we really teach each other. We are either born with it or not. The more we do it, the better control we have.**_

Sybok's mouth fell open. _**And you used this ability to make that man tell you his plans?**_

_**Yes. **_

_**And you do not think this was wrong?**_

_**No I don't. **_ Amanda let her hand drop from his chin and he quickly grabbed it to keep in contact. _**I didn't do it to hurt Smidler, I did it so your father and I could figure out what was going on, to keep myself safe and to keep your clan and Vulcan out of whatever machinations were going on. Obviously that didn't work so well.**_

_**But you forced him to do what he did not wish to do.**_

_**No. **_Amanda shook her head. _**I only gave him a little nudge. I can't force anyone to do something they don't want to do, Sybok. I can only influence them, give them a little incentive to take a step they were already considering, lower their inhibitions. It's subtle.**_

_**But powerful. **_He laid his head back down on her shoulder in an imitation of a human child. _**We mustn't appear to be communicating or they may separate us.**_

_**I know, but this is important. **_Amanda hugged him tightly again. _**I don't want you to feel ashamed of what you can do, Sybok. You were born with gifts. The hard part is learning when you can use them and when you shouldn't, and who it is safe to tell and who it is not. Your Father and T-Pau have some idea of what you can do, but even they did not know about it all - I'm guessing your mother may not have even realized how talented you are.**_

She could feel Sybok starting to form a response when the door opened again and the guard from earlier entered carrying a tray of nutrient bars and a jug of water. He set the tray down on the floor and used a long stick to push it over to a small opening in the bars. "We don't want you starving to death. The kid's arms are small enough to reach through for it." The guard smirked. "Just be careful or we'll have to tell the Ambassador you had a little accident trying to escape."

"Bastard," Amanda snarled.

"True." The guard shrugged. "But aren't we all in our way?" He turned and left again and this time Amanda got a short glimpse of the long hallway outside with its seemingly endless rows of doors.

Sybok let go of her and went to the bars, carefully reaching under them to retrieve the tray. He sniffed the food cautiously.

Amanda spoke softly, "_It may be drugged, it may not. No real way to tell." _She used modern Vulcan, mindful of Smidler's continued surveillance.

"_I'm not hungry."_ Sybok crawled back over to her. "_What do they want from us?"_

"_I think they want us as hostages. They must be planning to use us to get something from your father._" Amanda brought him back to her side and hugged him close. She switched back to telepathic communication once he was safely in contact. _**Smidler got what he wanted when the Earth Congress repealed the Allocations Acts. Kidnapping us must play a larger role. **_

_**What can he gain from this? Ransom? **_Sybok shivered slightly. _**Vulcan will not pay ransom, not even for the son and bondmate of the head of the House of Surak. **_

_**Smidler's kind will not believe that, but I doubt it's money he's after. I think it's something worse. **_Amanda's mind whirled as she considered the possibilities. _**He said I played right into his hands. If it was ransom then you'd be the better target, but he's focused on me. It has to be something about my position that's caused this. **_

_**Vulcan may not pay ransoms but we do not allow our people to be abducted without retribution. I highly doubt Ambassador Shras will take such a thing lightly either. Terrans often forget that Vulcan is a warrior race and if Shras can bring his people to bear as well Earth may find itself severely outgunned and caught between two highly advanced and hostile races. **_Sybok shivered slightly. _**Smidler is no longer an official in Earth's government but I doubt most of the Federation will care for that distinction. **_

_**Oh my god. **_Amanda's eyes widened and she looked down at Sybok in shock. _**That's it! He's going to try and make this look like an official government operation! We were taken from a secret high security Earth Gov facility. There's no way Shras or Sarek will believe we were taken without government knowledge. The more the government denies it, the more guilty they'll look. Smidler's probably even planted evidence to make it look like a conspiracy. **_

_**T-Pau will not stand by and allow two members of her family to be held political prisoner without taking action. **_Sybok stated grimly. _**She was against the formation of the Federation in the first place. If she believes that Earth was behind our disappearance she will withdraw Vulcan from the Federation and Father will not attempt to stop her. Ambassador Shras will likely recommend that Andoria follow suit. If that does not bring our return, the Vulcan Military may be called in to search for us. **_

Amanda shivered. _**If Vulcan troops land on Earth, our government will declare war.**_

_**And Vulcan will answer.**_

_**And Andoria will follow her. There may be centuries of hate between your species but they are itching for another fight and if Earth could kidnap the son and wife of such a highly visible Vulcan what would stop them from doing so to an Andorian? **_Amanda finished, her mind reeling from the realization. _**Smidler's trying to bring about the end of the Federation and cause an intergalactic war.**_

Sybok squirmed closer and Amanda could feel his fear. She hugged him back tighter and rested her head against his. Shras' comb moved sharply and pulled on her hair when she did so. Amanda reached up and carefully removed it, holding it tightly. Sybok jerked as he read her thoughts and stared at her in astonishment.

_**You have a way to signal for help? **_He looked down at the comb in shock and back up into her eyes. _**Why are you not using it?**_

_**Because, **_Amanda closed her eyes heavily. _**Smidler must know that Vulcan will look for us, and Andoria. Wherever we are, I bet it's a government facility. If they find us here they'll never believe it wasn't an official operation.**_

_**We'll tell them.**_Sybok insisted. _**As soon as we are free we will tell them.**_

_**We'll be dead. **_Amanda stated calmly. _**This cage has got enough power running through it to kill us a hundred times over. There's probably a fail safe on it. Any rescue attempt and ... **_She trailed off as Sybok's entire body shuddered. _**I'll find a way out. **_She promised quickly. _**There's got to be a way out.**_


	42. Climax

Two days later, Amanda was no closer to finding that way out then she had been when she made the promise. Sybok's time sense meant they knew exactly how long they'd been captive but the clear passage of time did little to ease the situation. The food and water the guard brought wasn't drugged, as far as they could tell, and while their cell was growing increasingly uncomfortable no other threats or harassments had taken place. There were no facilities in the cage and no privacy. The bucket they'd been provided with for waste was nearly full and Amanda pitied Sybok's stronger sense of smell.

Sybok wanted her to use the comb and call Shras, but Amanda knew that as soon as she did they'd both be killed. And Shras and Sarek would play right into Smidler's hands. So long as she and Sybok were missing there was a chance Sarek would remain calm enough to see through the plot. But if they were killed, Amanda doubted his control.

Of course, that was assuming he was in any shape to even be looking for them. Amanda's head was still throbbing from the blocked bond. Sarek was likely in agony from it. Sybok had no idea whether his father would be able to tell the difference between a blocked bond and a broken one. For all they knew, Sarek thought they were both dead already.

Amanda's increasingly desperate attempts to influence the guards had little affect. She'd managed to get the night guard to bring them a blanket, proving that her gift - whatever it was- didn't work like telepathy since the force field didn't block it, but no matter how hard she concentrated she couldn't do much else. The guards were mostly cruel men that didn't mind their prisoners' suffering. They didn't want to do anything for them. Since her gift didn't allow her to control anyone, the best she could do was get the more sane of the group to do small things - a blanket so Sybok wouldn't freeze to death, a roll of toilet paper, an extra glass of water.

Sybok, at her suggestion, had even started to try. He seemed to have a little better luck. He managed to get them a second blanket and a small sleeping pad.

As the second day turned into the third Amanda was getting to the point where desperation wasn't a strong enough word for her condition. The room was chilly and even with two blankets Sybok was miserable. His control over his internal temperature was spotty at best, being only seven, and he had no control at all when he slept. His breathing was starting to rattle alarmingly and Amanda was scared that between the poor food, low temperature, and horrific sanitary conditions, that he was getting sick. Sybok insisted he was fine but Amanda could tell from his flushed face and sunken eyes that the child was ill.

By the night of the third day Sybok couldn't hide his condition any longer. He was running a fever and openly shivering where he lay huddled against her. She could no longer speak to him telepathically, he was too weak to keep the connection alive. When he spoke aloud to her, his voice was hoarse and shaky.

Amanda had the comb in her free hand, Sybok held tightly to her with the other, and was about to chance pressing the jewel in the center and send Shras the signal, Federation be damned, when the door to the room opened and the more suggestible of the guards entered. The man was by no means kind, and the way he looked at her made Amanda squirm uncomfortably, but so far he'd been the most amenable to influence and they'd managed to get small considerations out of him. At the sight of him, Amanda had the craziest idea of her life.

The guard carried another food tray over to them, eyeing Sybok coldly as he did so. He used the same stick to push the tray over to the bars and then turned to leave.

"Wait," Amanda called out, gently lowering Sybok to the ground and standing shakily on her feet. "You have to do something. He's sick."

The guard shrugged. "Not my problem."

Amanda concentrated hard on him, trying to push him toward what she wanted. "But," she swallowed loudly and looked down, letting her voice quaver. "I'll do _anything_ if you help him." She looked up, her eyes half hidden by the hair that had escaped her pins. She held his eyes and tried to look both pathetic and desperate as she put the full force of her will behind her stare. "_Please._"

The guard shook his head and tried to break eye contact but Amanda stepped closer to the bars and put everything she had into it, her entire focus narrowing to the guard's two irises, watching as they started to dilate. "Isn't there _something _I could do that would get you to help him?"

"Maybe." The guard stepped closer. "Maybe there's something." He looked her up and down, his eyes lingering on her breasts, hidden behind the solid fabric of her gown. "But you won't like it."

"I can't let him die." Amanda stepped even closer to the bars, the guard mirroring her movements, until they were both close enough that the power made the hairs on their heads start to stand up. "Anything," She breathed, putting one last surge of effort behind her words, pushing her will into him.

The guard smiled wickedly and looked up and away from her. "Hey, Charlie, if you aren't asleep up there, how about coming down for some fun?" He called out loudly to the guard watching the cameras from wherever they were monitoring the room. "You'll have to be extra nice," the guard warned her, his attention returning to Amanda. "Charlie hates Vulcans and it's going to take a lot of convincing to get him to fork over some meds for the brat."

"I can be very convincing," Amanda said breathlessly. "You just need to give me a chance."

The door opened and another of the guards, one of the meaner ones, came in. "Have you lost your mind, Bower? We can't screw the chick. Smidler will dock our pay if he finds out we let her out of that force field."

"What can she do?" Bower shrugged dismissively, his eyes never leaving Amanda's. "She's human. There's two of us. Put the camera on a loop and he'll never know."

Charlie came closer and gave her a once over. "She's filthy."

"But she's free and he ain't paying us much," Bower insisted. "And she's desperate. You know how creative they get when they're desperate."

Charlie smirked. "That is a bonus. You remember that job last year? I never came so hard in my life."

Bower nodded. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about that since we nabbed this one. It'd be a shame not to enjoy her. She's just sitting here, being no good to anybody. We might as well put her to work."

"I'll be right back." Charlie left the room quickly. Bower took off his jacket and threw it across the room.

Amanda sank back down next to Sybok and put a hand gently on his head. She leaned down next his ear and whispered in High Vulcan, "_Do you think you can run?"_

"_You can't do this, step-mother!" _he hissed back. "_You cannot willingly betray father._"

"_I'm not," _Amanda stated quietly. "_Have a little faith. And be ready to run. If this works we won't have long to get out of here."_

Amanda stood back up just as Charlie returned.

"Monitor's on a loop. If Smidler looks at it, he'll see 'em sleep'n away." Charlie nodded at Bower. "We've only got two hours till my replacement shows up."

"Plenty of time," Bower insisted. He turned towards the cage. "You try anything, sweetheart, and I'll snap your neck."

"You'll get help for Sybok," Amanda insisted, forcing her voice higher into a near squeak. "If I co-operate, you'll get him medication?"

"We'll take care of the boy," Charlie insisted, smiling cruelly. "But only if you impress me."

Amanda nodded. "Anything."

Charlie drew a small control out of his pocket. "Step back from the bars. If either of you move, I swear I'll hit the kill switch. That whole cage is rigged to toast everything inside in a millisecond. You try anything and the boy dies."

Bower hit a code on the wall and the bars spluttered, their glow slowly dying. He hit another code and two of the bars clicked and slid down into the floor. "Step out."

Amanda walked through the opening and Bower hit the controls again, the bars sliding back into place and powering up.

Charlie leaned against the wall. "Why don't you take the first round? I'll stand watch and then we'll switch."

"Sounds like a plan." Bower grinned and moved closer to Amanda, circling her slowly. "Bet you can't wait to be with a real man after that Vulcan."

Amanda didn't answer, instead keeping her eyes locked on Charlie across the room. She'd never done this on purpose before but if they were going to make it out of the room alive she needed to make this work. Her grandmother had told her stories, described the uses of the gift, but Amanda had always been frightened of it. The only time she'd ever tried to do it had been when a boy in second grade had stolen her brownie at lunch. She'd been so mad she'd tracked him down at recess and stared into his eyes...and he'd screamed. She hadn't even meant to do it, she'd just been so mad. She'd never done it again - until now.

She stared at Charlie, ignoring the leering Bower and the hand he'd started to run over her backside. She put her entire will behind her and sent one single thought, as hard as she could, at Charlie RE-LIVE IT. Her mind screamed at him. No man that mean and that cruel got that way on his own. Something horrible had to have happened to him that put him on the path. RE-LIVE IT. Charlie's eyes widened and he gasped. RE-LIVE IT. Amanda pressed again, her own breath coming hard with the effort. RE-LIVE-IT!

Charlie fell to his knees, a strangled sound coming from his mouth. His hands flew to his eyes as clawed at them, the remote falling forgotten to the floor. At the sound, Bower stopped circling her, his hand jerking back, and looked at his friend in shock. "What the fuck?"

Amanda broke eye contact with Charlie and moved behind Bower. Before he realized what she was doing, she shoved him as hard as she could into the bars. The energy field crackled and he screamed sharply, his body jerking wildly. He was dead in seconds, but the energy continued to hold his body in place until Amanda made it over to the controls and hit the code she'd memorized from earlier. The power faded and Bower's body fell with a thud. She keyed the other code and the two bars slid out of the way.

Amanda ran over to Charlie and picked the remote up from where he had dropped it. He was hunched over now, his head hidden behind his hands, whimpering.

Amanda felt Sybok come up behind her and reached back to pull him close. "Come on. We've got to get out of here before he recovers." Amanda started for the door, half supporting Sybok, and keyed in the exit code.

The door opened and Amanda scanned the long corridor. "Any idea which way the exit is?"

Sybok nodded, leaning his weight against her. "Straight for 400 meters then take a left," he whispered hoarsely.

Amanda wrapped his arm around her waist to give him some support. "If we can make it outside I'll signal for Shras."

Sybok nodded agreement and they started to sprint down the hall. Sybok directed them by memory until they reached the first of the secured doors. Amanda cursed and smacked the key panel. "I memorized the code on the cell door but I never saw what they entered on these.

"I was blindfolded." Sybok frowned and then coughed harshly, doubling over as he did so. Amanda kept him upright with effort. "Perhaps," Sybok wheezed, "I can over-ride the controls." He stood up shakily and used one of Amanda's hairpins to pry the panel open.

"Remind me to never mess with a seven year old in advanced computer classes," Amanda muttered thirty seconds later when the door swung open.

The next two doors took even less time, the mechanisms apparently wired the same as the first. They didn't see a soul as they made their way through the facility. Apparently it was some kind of warehouse or storage depot and, with the exception of the guards that had been monitoring their cell, there didn't seem to be any personnel. It wasn't until they'd gone up the elevator and were in the hangar Sybok had noted on their arrival, that she realized where they were.

"Star Fleet Headquarters," Amanda whispered in astonishment. "This is the private hangar for the admiralty and upper faculty at the academy. I recognize it from the news vids. They store the personal belongings of the crews that go on deep space missions below." The place was deserted at this time of night, the handful of small personal craft powered down and only the slow blinking of security lighting filling the void. "We must have been in one of the storage bays."

Sybok coughed again and took several long moments to regain his breath. "Can we call Shras now?" he asked quietly, his body slumping down to the ground.

"Almost. Just hold on." Amanda bent down. "Put your arms around my neck. I'll carry you." Sybok did as he was told and Amanda struggled to lift his weight. She managed with considerable effort to lift him and she set off for the far door, keeping against the wall and in shadow.

She made it to the door and used her hip to hit the opening latch. It was dark outside but the smell of the San Francisco bay hit her nose and she knew her guess earlier had been right. Smidler had stashed them right under Star Fleet's nose.

There were several officers walking the paths in front of the hangar and Amanda ducked quickly into the bushes that lined the side of the building. There was no telling who was working with Smidler or how long it would take Shras to triangulate her signal and get to them. There could be other guards outside, waiting to give the signal if the prisoners escaped or if Vulcan or Andorian troops appeared. She couldn't risk contacting Shras until they were somewhere safer - somewhere Smidler wouldn't have his people set up.

Amanda shifted Sybok's weight against her and cringed when the boy made a muffled sound of protest. He was getting worse by the second and Amanda knew she wouldn't be able to carry him far. Vulcans were heavier then they looked. She laid him down gently on the ground and moved forward to peer through the bushes, trying to formulate the next part of their escape.

At least her headache was going away, Amanda noticed, and sent a silent prayer that Sarek would sense her now that they were free of the anti-telepathic force-field.

Two cadets walked by, arguing loudly about the vig on last night's football match between Mars colony and Beta Arani. Across the open yard someone in command yellow was chatting up an ensign from the science division. Amanda scanned the yard carefully, looking for anyone or anything she could use to get away. She had to get off Star Fleet property before she called for help or Shras would cause a diplomatic incident rescuing her.

Finally what she was waiting for pulled up to the hangar. An admiral she didn't recognize parked his aircar in the VIP lot right in front of the bush she was hiding behind. He was on his communicator and arguing with someone about a cadet named Pike who apparently had played a practical joke earlier that week. He was so distracted by his conversation, and so used to Star Fleet being a crime-free zone, he didn't bother to key in the lock code on his vehicle. As soon as he'd disappeared into the hangar Amanda leapt forward.

It was a new model and it took her several precious seconds to find the button that would open the rear hatch. She rushed back to Sybok and managed to half–drag, half-carry him to the open car. He was only half-conscious, his lips turning an alarming shade of copper, by the time she got him into the car. Amanda ran back up to the front and hopped in just as she heard the young officer start yelling from across the yard.

Amanda hit the power button, swung the car around, and was off into the air in seconds. She could see the officer and the ensign yelling and waving their arms behind her as she sped towards the main traffic lane. She merged into the mid-air sea of cars and made quickly for the business district.

As soon as she was outside Star Fleet controlled airspace she hit the jewel on her comb and it made a soft click. The Vulcan Embassy was still located in Geneva and there was no way she'd get that far in a stolen aircar. Amanda did a few quick calculations and dropped out of the traffic lane and into the main shopping mall parking lot. Even at 2am the San Francisco Retail Outlets were alive and buzzing. She hovered for a moment until a spot by a broken light opened up. She quickly parked and powered down the aircar.

She looked around quickly and waited until there was a lull in people before hastily climbing out and grabbing Sybok. Her muscles protested as she picked him up again, but somehow she managed to get him out of the car and into the nearly abandoned stairwell. The parking garage was on the 39th floor of the mall and nobody took the stairs unless it was an emergency. Amanda half-dragged Sybok down two flights before giving up and sinking to the floor of the landing.

Sybok was shivering steadily and his breathing was shallow and raspy. Amanda clutched him tight to her, the comb tight in her other hand, and waited.

Without Sybok's time sense Amanda had no idea how long they sat there. Every noise made her jump and the seconds dragged by. She'd just about worked up the energy to change position when the stairwell door banged open two flights up.

Amanda jumped to her feet and grabbed Sybok's arm, ready to make a run for it, when she felt a familiar sense wash over her. Sarek's voice came as such a shock Amanda could hardly believe it.

"Amanda! Sybok!" Sarek shouted.

"Down here," Amanda called out in relief. "We're down here!"

Sarek came rushing down the stairwell, Shras and several Vulcan and Andorian security personnel right behind him.

Sarek seemed torn about who to go to first, wife or son. He stood still on the step above the landing and looked back and forth between them for a long moment. Amanda knelt down quickly next to Sybok. "We've got to get him to a healer. He's been getting sicker by the minute."

Sarek gave a small start before breaking out of his shock and going to his son. Sybok blinked weakly up at him, his breathing too shallow to form a word. Sarek called out a name in Vulcan and one of the people that had followed him down the staircase came forward.

"Healer," Sarek stated in a carefully controlled voice. "See to Sybok first."

"Yes, Ambassador." The healer knelt down next to Sybok and Sarek turned to Amanda.

"What happened?" He asked softly, his eyes glued to hers. "The bond was blocked and you both were gone. The Earth Government claimed they had no part in it..."

"They didn't." Amanda answered back, the noise in the background fading as the healer called for a stretcher for Sybok, all her attention devoted to her husband's frantic gaze. "It was Smidler."

Sarek looked away for a moment to make sure Sybok was being cared for then turned back. "You are unharmed?"

"Besides a headache, fine." Amanda took a shaky breath, tears starting to form in her eyes. "But I'm about to do something horribly inappropriate to a Vulcan in public."

Sarek nodded. "Under the circumstances I think it is warranted."

Seconds latter Amanda was in his arms and Sarek's presence was surrounding her. Their bond flared back into life and all she could feel, smell, and hear was Sarek. His arms were the only thing holding her up.

They must have stood that way for several minutes. When Sarek reluctantly stepped back, both physically and mentally, Sybok was on a stretcher and Shras was yelling into a comm that they'd been found. Sarek held her arm firmly and led the way back up the stairs to the roof-top parking. A large security vehicle from the embassy was parked blocking the door and they all piled inside. Sarek sat down next to her and took her hand firmly, unwilling or unable to bear the loss of contact.

Shras sat down on her other side and slowly pried the comb from her free hand, the metal teeth living imprints in the pads of her fingers. "Pink skin, I gave you this to use in emergencies. What took you so long?"

Amanda stared at him blankly for a moment, trying to think of a reply before finally settling on a shrug. "Things are somewhat more complicated then we thought."

Sarek hadn't let go of her hand but his eyes were glued on his son. "What did they do to him?"

The healer looked up from his med scanner. "_Eshaf-yonshaya_. It appears he was kept in a cold and bacteria-laden environment. His immune system could not keep up with the damp Earth air in combination with the cold. It made him highly susceptible to infection. I have started a round of antibiotics. He should recover quickly once we return to the Embassy and the dryer air we maintain."

Sarek squeezed Amanda's hand. "Please check my wife."

"I'm fine," Amanda insisted, waving the healer off. "Just filthy, tired, and emotionally drained."

"Can you tell us what happened?" Shras asked gently.

Amanda nodded and slowly told them everything that had happened, how they'd been drugged and transported to the storage facility on Star Fleet property, how Smidler was behind it all, and finally about their escape. Amanda carefully edited the last part, leaving out any hint of how she'd baited the guards into giving in to their baser instincts and sidestepping exactly what had befallen the guard named Charlie. Shras and Sarek knew she was leaving something out, but with their vehicle full of security forces they didn't press her.

Shras' antennae were laid back flat against his head by the time she finished. "Smidler has to have a contact within the admiralty to gain access to the storage facility and set this up. And that anti-telepathic field wouldn't have been easy to come by and takes an enormous amount of power. It would be a constant drain on the Fleet's power grid. They should have noticed it." Shras eyed the pale look on Sarek's face and the pinched expression on the healer's and sighed. "I'll contact Adam and we'll see what we can do about flushing out Smidler. He'll know of at least one or two people in power that we can trust to help run the investigation. Sarek, you take care of your family."

Sarek nodded. "Thank you."

Shras grinned, his pointed teeth flashing. "Don't thank me. I'll consider this a debt."

Sarek didn't respond, his eyes stuck on his son's pale face.

They pulled into the Vulcan Embassy in record time and the healer rushed out with Sybok. Shras went out next, his guards on his heels, his comm already out and angry rapid Andorian snapping off his tongue.

Sarek wouldn't let go of Amanda's hand, leading her out of the vehicle. T-Lar and Sevok were at the foot of the ramp, looking just as haggard as Sarek. She doubted any of them had slept since she and Sybok had gone missing. Amanda nodded at them as she and Sarek passed.

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as Sarek led her back to his quarters. He took her straight to the bathroom and within moments she found herself under the hot spray of a water shower, Sarek braving the liquid to personally wash every inch of her as if he could wipe away the past four days with nothing but soap and hot water.

It wasn't until he'd wrapped her snugly in a towel and had her pressed against him in the large earth-style bed that he finally spoke. "I thought you were dead. I could not feel either of you."

Amanda took both his hands in hers and squeezed them. "I know. Until we learned about the force-field we feared they'd killed you."

Sarek buried his face in her hair. "I felt you the moment you stepped out of the field. I could feel your fear and your determination but I could not tell where you were, only that you were alive and in need of aid. Shras and I were already out looking for you when you signaled. I could feel Sybok weakening with every second."

"We should go to him," Amanda suggested quietly. "He shouldn't be alone."

"The healer will have put him into a trance by now," Sarek responded quietly. "I can feel him and he is not in distress. Right now I only want to hold you." Sarek pulled her closer. "I thought you were dead." His voice broke softly on the last word and Amanda could feel how unstable Sarek was through the bond. "I only stayed alive because I would not allow you and Sybok to go unavenged."

"I thought you were a pacifist." Amanda ran a hand through his hair, gently rubbing the tip of his ear.

"So did I," Sarek muttered into her neck. "Had you not returned to me, I fear that your entire planet would have learned how mistaken I was as I ripped it apart with my bare hands looking for your murderer."

Amanda shivered as she felt the truth behind his quiet words. "I'm here, I'm safe, and Sybok's safe. That's all that matters."


	43. Catharsis

_One Month Later at the Grayson Family Home, _

_somewhere in the Midwestern part of the North American Continent:_

"So," Adam said quietly, coming up behind her. "How's my Mandy doing?"

Amanda wrapped her shawl tighter around her shoulders and shrugged, not bothering to turn towards him, her eyes focused out over the half frozen water. "I want to go home."

Adam nodded. "You want to go back to Vulcan."

Amanda couldn't help the tears that slowly leaked from her eyes and froze on her cheek, her gaze moving slowly over the trees and bushes she'd known since childhood. "I just can't stand to be here right now."

"You did all this so you could be here," Adam insisted softly. "You took the job at the embassy because of this place. You're Scarlet and this is Terra."

"Did you know that in the book she gives Terra to her sister and leaves for Ireland?" Amanda wiped angrily at her cheek. "And it's not this place I can't stand - it's the planet."

"I came out to tell you, they arrested Smidler today. Including the two admirals and the undersecretary that makes it a total of forty-two people up under Federation charges. Federation, Amanda. Earth is letting the Federation Court handle this as an act of good will." Adam stated quietly. He'd been acting as the liaison between her and the Federation investigators in the month since her escape. He'd been keeping her in the loop and out of the spot light as much as he could, giving her and her family time to deal with the stress their blocked bonds had caused.

Amanda sighed, sinking down to sit on the snow covered log that lined the old fire pit at the water's edge. "Of course they are. Shras and Sarek wouldn't have settled for less."

"This is momentous, Amanda. This is the first time anyone with an official government position has been tried in a Federation court, and I do mean anyone - regardless of planet of origin. Earth is finally letting the Federation fulfill its role - the role we helped create." Adam sat down slowly next to her. "I realize how trying this has been, but look at all the good that's come out of it."

"I still don't understand how it got to this point." Amanda shook her head. "How did this happen?"

Adam looked down and away before answering, his voice taking on a hard edge. "Smidler broke during interrogation. I don't know what the Vulcans did to him, but he sang like a bird. Evidently," Adam paused, trying to find the right words. "Evidently you were the target for some time, at least four or five years now."

Amanda turned to him in shock. "What?"

"They wanted to force Earth into a civil war and break the Federation. Smidler was part of a larger conspiracy to profit from a breakdown in trade treaties and a disruption to shipping lanes. If the Federation alliance broke down, all treaties would be voided and if Earth got itself involved in a war with one or more of the other Federation members..." Adam trailed off. "War profiteering has always been lucrative. The Vulcan military had intercepted several coded messages between the Orions and Smidler - but they didn't make the connection until after your escape. T-Lar broke the code a couple months back and they knew it was something to do with arms sales but with no context it was meaningless until now. They weren't sure until he confessed that the messages were actually intended for Smidler during his time as ambassador. They'd been looking for an internal mole."

"And how exactly do I play into this grand scheme? Five years ago I was just finishing my PhD."

"Exactly." Adam turned to face her. "Mandy, don't you see? You did play right into their hands."

Amanda rubbed her forehead in confusion. "How?"

"They had to make people distrust the government and distrust the Federation. The Allocations system was an easy target but they needed to find the perfect person to be the poster child for the faults in the program. Smidler and his people made sure that when the system passed it had that ridiculous pay scale component. All they had to do was find some hard working sympathetic person to get ground under the wheels. They picked you. You were top of your class, talented, and ambitious. Smidler first set eyes on you when he read about your experiences in the exchange program with the VSA. You made all the major news outlets with that, if you'll remember. You were already a promising scholar with several publications under your belt and being one of only five humans picked to go to the VSA made you a prime target. They knew you wouldn't sit quietly if your career was derailed. Your family was solidly middle-class and you had enough friends with contacts that when the story broke they knew people would speak out in your defense. They knew you'd make waves - eventually."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Are you telling me Smidler was behind my vocational assignment?"

"I'm saying he and the people he was working with were behind you never getting a university position AND your vocational assignment to something his people knew you wouldn't be able to stand. You lasted longer then they expected, teaching high school French, but eventually you broke and did just what they wanted you too." Adam frowned. "They wanted a linguist that was talented in alien languages, specifically Vulcan, for a reason. They knew that such a person would eventually find employment in one of the Federation embassies - they were hoping it would be the Vulcans - another reason they picked you. After all, you spent time on Vulcan and at the VSA. You'd be perfect to work for the Vulcan Embassy.

"There's already a lot of distrust on Earth towards Vulcan. A lot of people still think they've been holding us back - denying us access to technology. Of all the alien governments, Vulcan is the least liked - probably because most humans can't read them. Nearly all alien species display similar emotions to us, Vulcans being one of the few exceptions." Adam shrugged. "Or maybe it's the ears."

"So I get hired by an alien government, off the Allocations system, doing translations which opens me up to those trumped up treason charges." Amanda sighed in disgust. "That part we already suspected. They wanted to use me to bring down the Allocation system."

"Which was supposed to be the seed for discontent," Adam agreed. "We thought that was all he was after. Turns out the plan had another layer, several layers. Smidler was on Vulcan to gather Intel. He was looking for anything and everything that he could use to make the average human distrust the Vulcans. Like I said, that's not all that difficult considering our history with them. Get everyone distrusting the government, renew anger and mistrust of Vulcan, then make it look like Vulcan was acting against Earth interests. Boom. Earth Gov gets voted out next election and the isolationists take over or we end up in a civil war with the two sides going at each other like rabid dogs. Either way we withdraw from the Federation, or at least stop participating. We do that and we loose out on the trade deals - prices go up. People get more angry. Meanwhile, the Federation can't survive without Earth playing the middle man between Vulcan and Andoria - who everyone knows can't get along - and the Telorites are just opportunists waiting to capitalize on the instability. The Federation wouldn't last a decade."

"And with the Federation gone, his people can make a living as pirates and smugglers without fear of capture." Amanda bit her lip. "But how does a war factor in?"

"Next step after destabilizing the galaxy is to make us think everyone is out to get us." Adam shivered. "Classic Germany move. Isolate yourself, build up your military in order to prop up your economy, and then claim your neighbor is planning something. You organize a preliminary strike - and next thing you know you're at war." Adam patted Amanda's hand. "Thing is, Mandy, you were so much better then they'd hoped for. Not only did you make a wonderful patsy for their Allocations scheme, but you went and married a Vulcan. You caused a scandal, made people even more scared of the Vulcans - You had every red-necked hick screaming that they were after our women and the media was sniffing around private Vulcan life making it sound dangerous and deviant. It was all nearly perfect until the press conference. That part of Smidler's agenda was brought to light and they had to move up the timetable on the rest. They needed to stage something so horrible it would force Earth and Vulcan into direct conflict - immediately. They no longer had time to slowly work towards bringing down Earth Gov. They had to force intergalactic war while our government was still intact."

Amanda tugged her shawl tighter. "If I'd signaled Shras, Vulcan and Andorian troops would have swarmed Star Fleet headquarters and broken into the facility. As soon as they did, the cage would have activated and Sybok and I would have been killed. Vulcan would want retribution. Andoria would reluctantly side with them, if for no other reason then they would fear a similar attack on their people. Earth, which had nothing to do with it, would see the actions as hostile and unwarranted. War."

"If you hadn't figured out Smidler's motives on the last part, we'd likely be hip deep in it by now." Adam agreed softly. "I don't think he knew you had a transmitter. He was planning on keeping you two locked up until Sarek was near desperate then dropping the anti-telepathic field. He'd learned about marriage bonds while on Vulcan and he knew Sarek would feel your distress. He was banking on him being able to pin point your location with the bond."

"It's not a tracking device." Amanda frowned. "He can feel me, true, but over a great distance all he can tell is my general direction and my condition."

"Smidler didn't know that. Vulcans aren't exactly publishing a how-to manual on the subject," Adam argued. "And he had no clue about your little ability."

Amanda shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't told Sarek the whole truth about that yet."

"He couldn't handle the truth," Adam stated calmly before chuckling. "Do you know how long I've wanted to say that and mean it?"

Amanda slapped his arm. "Don't even go there. You have no idea what it would do to him to know what I risked. I only told you so there was somebody to run interference when they interrogated the guard I left alive."

"Barely alive, " Adam stopped smiling, his mouth setting into a grim line. "He's still catatonic, Amanda. The Vulcans wanted to talk to him and it was all Shras and I could do to keep him out of their hands." Adam shook his head. "I remember Grandma telling stories about her mother, the things she did during the war, but I thought it was all made-up, exaggerated. I never guessed you had that kind of ability."

Amanda blinked back tears. "Neither did I. But we had to get out and ... I was desperate, Adam. You have to know that. I didn't mean to go that far!"

"What exactly did you do?" Adam asked, running a hand nervously through his hair. "I know you did something, but you've never explained what."

"I made him remember," Amanda said quietly. She stood up and walked a few steps away before turning back, her eyes landing on the house where it stood on the small hill, the Christmas lights dancing against the snow over Adam's shoulder. "I pushed him to remember the most horrible thing he could. I pushed and pushed and pushed..." Amanda trailed off, her tears falling freely.

"Amanda," Adam said softly. "That can't be all of it. He's in a coma!"

"I don't know!" Amanda yelled, falling to her knees in the snow. "I did just what Grandma talked about in her stories - I made him re-live something. I don't know what - anything - something - I just pushed!" Amanda sat down in the cold snow, the moisture slowly seeping into her pants and sighed. "I just pushed."

Adam stared at her for a long moment. "And the reason the Vulcans can't know? Why Sarek can't know?"

"Sybok was there." Amanda picked up a handful of snow and formed a ball. "He's got the gift too, Adam. I don't know how. What we do, it's not a telepathic gift like Vulcans are used to. Sybok says it's rare, that his mother passed it on to him, and that he was warned to keep it a secret." Amanda set her ball down and started to roll it, making it larger as she talked. "There was fear in T-Pau's voice when she told me about him the first time, Adam. And Sarek's scared too, either for him or of him, I'm not sure which. They try and hide it, but I can see. Sybok's worried they'll lock him away if the High Council or the priestesses find out. And, if I'm honest, he scares me a little too. But he's just a kid and he doesn't deserve that."

"And if you were _really_ honest you'll tell me you think they'll lock you away too, if they find out?" Adam asked.

"No." Amanda shook her head. "T-Pau and Sarek know that we can influence, and the circumstances were dire, and I'm not a threat to them. What you and I can do, Adam, the Vulcans would notice in a second. Our gifts are nothing compared to what they can do. That little trick I did to get us out was the extent of what I can do. I'll never top that so I'm not a threat - to them. But I'm not a seven year old boy either. Sybok saw what I did, Adam. He's been watching me ever since the healer let him come here to the lake house. He _knows_ what I did and he's trying to figure out how I did it. Can you imagine that power in the hands of a child? I tell you he's already as strong or stronger then I am and Vulcans usually grow stronger with age. He won't reach his full potential until he's in his 50s."

Adam frowned. "But isn't that more reason for Sarek to know? Didn't they ask you if you could train Sybok? Help him control it?"

"He doesn't need to learn control, Adam. He's got that." Amanda's snow ball had grown large enough she had to stand up to continue pushing it. Her hands were turning blue but she ignored them and the gloves in her pockets. "He wants to know how to use it. He doesn't like being denied knowledge. And he will figure it out with or without me. It's only a matter of time."

"So what are you going to do?"

Amanda started on a second smaller ball. "I'm going to do what I can do. He wanted to see snow and stay for our "antiquated religious festival" so we'll stay here till after Christmas. I'll take him sledding and bake him cookies and I'll let him be a kid. When we get back to Vulcan he's supposed to start a new school and he'll have his trials soon. After that, well, it's all full-steam down the logic road."

Adam crossed his arms. "And this will help how?"

Amanda maneuvered her second snowball on top of the first. "Maybe he'll be too busy to think about it."

"And if not?"

Amanda started the last snow ball and didn't answer until she had the snowman's head firmly placed on top of her creation. "Then he'll have to learn to keep a secret, Adam. Because Vulcan is no more ready for him then Earth ever was for us. And I can't deny him access to part of who he is, a part of himself. At least if I'm working with him there will be some kind of checks on him."

Adam frowned. "That's what Obi Wan thought and look what happened."

"Sybok is not Darth Vader!" Amanda snorted. "Just because he was born a little different doesn't make him dangerous. He only wants to help people, Adam. He'd rather die then cause harm to someone. He's believes very much in non-violence - I could feel that when he was communicating with me."

"At least it's natural in his case, and nobody messed with his DNA to get the end result," Adam replied grimly.

Amanda picked up two twigs and stuck them in her snowman for arms. "Natural or created, it's too late now to tell the difference. Sybok can't unmake himself and neither can I."

Adam walked over and stuck a pine cone on the creature's head for a nose and put two small stones on it for eyes. "So that's it then. You leave Sarek and the Vulcans wondering how exactly you got out of there."

"Sybok told Sarek the basics. If Sarek feels such a great need to know he can ask me. Since he hasn't, then he must not want to know."

"Ignorance is bliss? I don't remember reading that in any of Surak's writings."

Amanda stuck three wet leaves onto the middle ball for buttons. "It's a universally accepted notion in all cultures." She stepped back and eyed her creation. "I need something for a mouth."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Why do you always have to break up a serous conversation with something as childish as building a snowman?"

Amanda fished around in her pocket till she found two hair pins that she bent into a vague mouth-like shape. "Because, when I leave here I most likely won't be coming back for some time. And I wanted to build a snowman."

Adam shrugged and pulled off his hat, plopping it down on top. "Right. This is a formal leave taking snowman."

Amanda eyed the creature and then the lake. "Yeah, yeah it is."

"Amanda?" Sarek's voice called out from the back porch. "Sybok is asking for eggnog. What is it?"

Amanda laughed softly. "I'll be right there," she called back before linking arms with Adam and starting the long trudge back up the hill.

"You're really good with him you know." Adam patted her arm. "Too bad you won't have any of your own."

Amanda stopped walking and bit her lip. "Actually, Adam, that's part of the reason I won't be coming back for a while." She smiled softly. "Sarek had some healers looking into things and they think - they think there might be a chance."

Adam's eyebrow rose. "Wouldn't that take a lot of genetic engineering?"

"Yes."

"And they'll have to pick which traits to use, from both species."

"Yes."

"And they'll only take what's genetically superior?"

"Yes. These are Vulcan scientists. Why would they create anything less then perfect? They figure they're already monkeying with things - why not make sure all their ducks are in a row?"

Adam shook his head. "You do know that Earth law would consider that a violation of the anti-eugenics codes?"

"Adam, we're technically living violations even if our DNA isn't hinky enough to raise flags. We're not, as you say, 'natural'." Amanda started walking again, pulling Adam along with her. "So I'm going to have an extraordinary son. How could you expect less from a Grayson?"

"Son? You already picked the gender?"

"Sybok specifically asked for a brother. Least we could do really."

Adam sighed. "Mandy, you blow my mind sometimes."


	44. Lethargic

"No."

"But," Sybok pleaded. "When we return to Vulcan I won't be able to have it."

Amanda shook her head. "You've had four glasses, Sybok. And milk is not the best thing for a Vulcan stomach."

"But I _like _eggnog."

Amanda put her hands on her hips and attempted to look stern despite how cute Sybok looked with a milk mustache and the absurd elf hat that Adam had dropped onto his head. "No."

"Just one more?"

"No."

Shras snickered from the sidelines. "Sometimes I forget he's just a child. He talks so much like an adult I often forget he's barely old enough to be off to school."

Sarek nodded. "Vulcan children can often be intellectually advanced to the point where it is easy for those not used to them to assume that their emotional and logical development is equally complex."

"But it's Christmas Eve, step-mother! Did you not say it is tradition?"

"A _glass of eggnog _is tradition, not a jug," Amanda insisted, ignoring the debate going on behind her. "And if you like it that much I can always make it when we go home. It's not that hard, in fact homemade is usually better then this store-bought swill."

"But I _like_ the store bought swill."

T-Lar frowned at the display. "I never knew Amanda had this kind of patience. My mother would have punished me by now and denied me my diner."

Adam chuckled. "Human children are a hundred times worse, I promise you. At least Sybok's not jumping in place going 'please, please, please..."

As if on queue, Adam's three children came around the corner doing just that while they danced around their mother demanding to open presents early.

T-Lar eyed the group with a raised eyebrow. "Sarek," she said firmly, "I suggest we draft a motion that no humans under the age of 20 be allowed on Vulcan."

"I doubt Amanda would be pleased with that suggestion. She has extended an offer to Adam and his family to visit Vulcan when they have their seasonal break from education."

T-Lar sighed heavily. "I do not like children."

Her husband Sevan raised a bemused eyebrow. "Then I will consider myself lucky that I already have an heir."

"I suggest you see he maintains good health," T-Lar muttered back just as Sybok finally gave up and went off with the other children to investigate the stack of presents they were under strict orders not to touch.

Adam's wife and Sevok followed them, the elderly Vulcan asking question after question about the significance of each and every one of the numerous Christmas decorations that graced the Grayson home.

Amanda walked over to the group and took a seat by Sarek's side. "How's it going? Everyone holding up okay? The weather man promises the ice storm should lift soon."

Shras grinned toothily. "Your planet has finally provided some decent weather! It's almost summer like out there!"

Sarek and T-Lar both barely contained shivers.

Amanda chuckled and plucked a piece of cheese off the appetizer plate in the middle of the table. "I knew you'd like it. I promised the kids you'd take them skating in the morning if the freezing rain lets up. The lake never freezes but we had a lot of rain this fall and there's a low spot in the back field that's flooded and frozen over solid. Should be perfect."

Adam nodded. "I packed their skates and I brought a pair for Sybok." He reached under the table and handed over a bag.

"He can't stay out for long," Amanda reminded Shras as the Andorian eagerly examined the proffered skates. "The healer says his pneumonia is cleared up but I don't want to take a chance. The air's pretty damp and he's not used to the cold."

Sarek took a sip of hot tea. "I do not believe he will wish to remain outdoors for any length of time. Even with thermal fabrics your winter season is unpleasant. "

He rubbed the back of his neck and winced.

Amanda grinned wickedly. "You still upset about that one tiny snowball?"

"He deserved it. He walked into the middle of an all out war!" Adam responded without sympathy. "It was the annual Grayson Family Snowball Assault for heaven's sake!"

"Humans are strange," T-Lar stated grimly. "There is no logical reason to hurl crystallized frozen water at each other."

"Why not?" Shras interrupted. "I found it a perfectly charming activity."

"That's only because you got to go swimming in the lake this morning and when you came out you had another excuse to dive into piles of snow." Amanda said. "I know Andoria is a frozen planet, but I kept expecting you to turn...bluer." She finished somewhat at loss for how to end her statement.

There was a shriek from the other room, followed by a loud giggle and Sevok's voice demanding they put down the cat. Amanda and Adam burst out laughing and T-Lar scrunched down further in her chair. "Are all human festivities this...boisterous?" she asked.

"Wait till tomorrow morning when they open their presents," Adam responded, grinning. "You did bring ear plugs didn't you?"

"I had assumed Amanda was joking." T-Lar sighed softly. "Are you sure you wish to pursue this idea of procreating with such a loud species, Sarek? I realize you bonded with a human, but a child? How long does it take before they learn to speak?"

Amanda snickered. "Well, they start babbling pretty early."

"I know not everyone will agree, but I always looked forward to my kids learning to talk. That way they could tell me what they wanted instead of crying, screaming, and throwing up whenever they didn't have it - whatever _it _happened to be," Adam supplied helpfully.

T-Lar's eyebrow rose to her hair line. "They _scream _before they talk?"

"Of course." Amanda looked at her husband and Sarek's somewhat alarmed expression. "Don't Vulcan infants cry?"

"No." The three Vulcans at the table responded in sync. Sarek cleared his throat and continued to explain. "That is to say, they do not cry loudly and rarely do they do so when parents are within a close vicinity. With the parent-child bond any need is generally met before the child is in discomfort."

T-Lar's husband Sevan nodded his agreement. "During pre-reform times, when many clans were at least semi if not fully migratory having a child wailing in the desert would have drawn predators or alerted enemy groups." Another round of shrieking from the other room made him frown slightly. "As would other extreme vocalizations."

Shras laughed. "Amanda, you _have _to take a holo of Sarek dealing with your son when you have him. I would pay you well for a holo of Sarek covered in infant slime."

"Drool, Shras. Or spit-up. It's not slime," Adam corrected, smiling.

Shras' antennae waved. "I have _seen_ your kind's young project slime several feet. If adults retained this ability it would be a formidable weapon."

"You should see what comes out the other end," Adam supplied with a little too much enthusiasm. "My youngest once..."

"That's enough, Adam," Amanda interrupted. "Not only am I sure Katie does _not_ want that story repeated, I'm sure they don't need to hear it. If you keep this up Sarek's going to change his mind."

"Or call the healers and have them adjust the DNA a little more," Sarek added.

Amanda smacked him on the arm. "Stop it. You know you'll love him, crying, spit-up, and all."

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "I suppose there must be advantages to such things or your species wouldn't have evolved with such large lung capacities."

"Opera." Adam smirked. "And the tuba."

"When do the healers think they will be ready for you?" T-Lar asked, changing the subject.

"They think they've got the matrix lined up to map the DNA," Amanda answered, smiling. "I have an appointment two days after we get back to give them a few eggs to mess about with. If all goes well we should be ready to try an implantation within two months. Apparently, human and Vulcan DNA combines rather easily. The real problem has been the difference in copper versus iron content in the blood."

Sarek nodded. "We were initially concerned about whether preference to one species would be given. It would seem that human DNA is quite flexible. The healers were able to use Amanda's genetic code as a foundation, adding Vulcan components to build up specific characteristics."

"So he'll be more human then Vulcan?" Adam asked.

"Not really," Amanda answered. He should have typical to above average ability in the Mind Arts, and we made sure that he'll have the necessary physical adaptations to survive on Vulcan and pass the trials. We did make the decision to keep his olfactory senses closer to human and we tweaked his internal temperature to make him more comfortable in moderate Earth temperatures."

"What about the ears?" Shras grinned wickedly. "I've seen how you look at Sarek's ears. The kid will have a full pointy set won't he?"

"Like I'd have it any other way." Amanda smirked as Sarek's ears turned slightly green. "For the record, I was the one that asked for a physically Vulcan appearance. Chances are he'll be raised on Vulcan and I don't want him to stand out in a crowd."

Sarek nodded. "I conceded to her logic, however, I will admit to some level of disappointment when the healers were unable to combine Vulcan vision with Amanda's eye color. Apparently the darker pigmentation is necessary for quality vision in the desert."

"That has to be the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say, Sarek." Adam patted him on the shoulder. "He wanted your kid to have your eyes, Mandy. That's positively romantic!"

Amanda ignored him and stood up to refill the nut bowl in the middle of the table. "So, any word on the trials? I want Smidler's head on a pike."

"If you'd said that earlier I wouldn't have turned him over to the Federation!" Shras sighed. "The jury should begin deliberations next week. Closing arguments begin tomorrow. The Federation Council refused to recess for the human holiday."

"Good. He shouldn't get a Christmas." Amanda plopped the refilled bowl down. "They moved pretty fast on all this. I expected them to drag this out."

"Federation Courts were designed for swiftness." Sarek picked up a walnut and studied it intently before putting it back. "It is not unusual for charges to be brought and a trial conducted within the same month. They waited to charge him until all the evidence had been collected, after all."

"It's nearly over then." Amanda looked down at the table and shivered. "It's nearly over and soon we can go home."


	45. Epilogue

_A/N: Thank you everyone for your reviews and your encouragements. This is the final chapter of Allocations. This is, however, not the end of our story. For those interested, my slash series Lapses is set in the same universe (LM/S). A sequel to Allocations will also be coming, sometime down the road and will focus on Spock's birth and Sybok's exile. I've promised to finish all my other WIP before I start posting it, however, so it may be a while. I suggest an author alert if you want notified. Again, thank you all! And thank you to my beta Naomi for all her hard work!_

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"You know, it's such a shame that we can't do this the old fashioned way." Amanda smirked at Sarek as she snuggled back into his side. The late afternoon sun was coming through their bedroom window bathing his skin in orange light making him look ethereal. Of course, Amanda always thought a naked satisfied Sarek looked ethereal whatever the lighting.

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "By old-fashioned I assume you mean repeated copulation in the hopes of procreation?" He ran a hand slowly down her back. "Considering the fact that we have only been back on Vulcan soil for less then 14 hours and have already engaged in sexual activity twice I do not think we need the extra inducement."

Amanda giggled. "Yes, but it would be so much easier to explain to the healers. You saw that eyebrow of his go up. He _knew_ what we'd been up to before our meeting."

"I suspect he knew what we were going to do after it as well," Sarek muttered. "I've always found healers to be slightly disturbing. They seem to know what one is thinking before it is even thought."

Amanda shivered slightly and moved even closer to his side. "Yes, but you weren't the one being examined like a science experiment."

"As far as they are concerned you are a science experiment." Sarek turned onto his side and ran two fingers gently across her brow and down the side of her face, the marriage bond hummed in response. "The scientists are quite eager to experiment with inter-species DNA combinations. While it would be considered unethical to do so without reason, our bonding and desire for offspring has provided them with a compelling excuse."

"Hmm." Amanda closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. "Yes, but do they have to act so condescendingly about it? I know I'm human, but I'm not just an incubator."

"Would it help if I told you it wouldn't matter what species either of us was? They'd be just the same." Sarek kissed her gently. "They are what they are and a puzzle is more intriguing to them than the life forms they are 'healing'. These are not traditional healers, after all, but experimental scientists."

"I am so looking forward to them figuring out the details so we can stop seeing them and start seeing someone with a little..." Amanda trailed off unable to find the right word. She opened her eyes and frowned slightly. "What is it that made Secar so cold?"

"Kolinahr. He is a Kolinahr master." Sarek brushed the hair back from her face. "They tend to give off that effect. If he disturbs you so, I can ask for a change. He is an accomplished genetic engineer, but there are others."

"I want our son to have the best, Sarek. I don't care who I have to put up with. Besides, once the DNA fiddling is done, I won't have to see that man again." Amanda sighed. "It's just, we know this is going to be a difficult process. God knows how many times we'll have to try before we get a viable fetus. And then the chances of my carrying the child to term safely still won't be good. Secar's attitude didn't help."

Sarek frowned slightly. "You do not have to do this, Amanda. The stress on you physically and emotionally will be considerable. While I greatly desire a child with you, I do not require one. I believe your planet has a history of adoption, and you are well aware of the Vulcan equivalent. That is always a possibility. Although I do not know how a human child would fair on Vulcan and the chances of a Vulcan child needing such is remote. The House generally takes care of its orphaned children or the clan if the House is too small or without means."

"I want to try. I do." Amanda insisted softly. "But listening to Secar prattle on about all the things that can go wrong, it's just daunting. When we first talked to him on the comm it sounded much more promising."

"Secar is, as I have said, a scientist. I believe he was informing us of all the particulars because he was enthusiastic about the challenge we have presented him with, nothing more. He was not attempting to dissuade us." Sarek cupped her face gently. "He is an ally in this, I assure you. Once the genetics are finalized we will be free of him until after the child is born. I am sure at that point he will wish to examine his creation." Sarek's eyes twinkled at his wording. "I believe you will feel more comfortable with the healer T-Pau and I have located."

"I do hope so." Amanda replied.

The next few weeks proved to be exhausting. There were more tests and more appointments and more warnings about what was to come. Eventually, Secar and his team were confident in the genetic mix. The normally stoic Vulcan was clearly excited about his achievement when he delivered the news and introduced the healer that would be in charge of Amanda's health during and after the pregnancy.

Salok was middle aged and thin, his nearly white hair making him seem older then Amanda knew him to be. He was also much friendlier then Secar and his eyes held a gentle mirth that Amanda was not used to seeing so openly displayed. He reminded her greatly of Sevok. Amanda wasn't all surprised to find out that he was something of a specialist with children and young mothers - something close to a combination of an Earth pediatrician and OBGYN.

"I see you decided on the Vulcan model." Salok's mouth twitched as he pointed at the genetic chart that Secar had provided him with. "For all intents and purposes your son will appear Vulcan. May I ask if this was intentional or did Secar make the choice for you?"

Amanda raised an eyebrow. "I'm surprised you asked."

Salok gave an almost human shrug. "It is my experience that many of our scientists jump to conclusions about the superiority of our ways and our biology. I thought it best to double check before we start tweaking your physiology to handle a fetus that has a higher copper blood content then your iron based one. Secar could easily have designed the child to have a primarily iron based blood supply instead. It would have made our job easier."

"But it would have meant our son would have a reduced psi ability." Amanda looked down and away. "Secar said that the copper was necessary as a conductive element for his touch telepathy. Without the higher copper content he wouldn't be able to meld properly."

Sarek nodded. "We discussed this at length. Both Amanda and I wish to provide our child with as full a life as possible. Without the ability to meld he would find bonding difficult."

"You two didn't seem to have any problems," Salok insisted. "Secar's theory is just that - a theory. There is little scientific evidence that higher concentrations of copper play any part in our telepathic abilities. Other species have similar talents without our particular mineral makeup."

"I'd rather not take the chance," Amanda stated firmly. "As long as you think we can figure a way out to make it possible for me to carry him to term, I'm willing to go through whatever I have to rather then risk him having a disability in that area. It would be different if we planned to raise him on Earth."

"You do not feel under-represented?" Salok asked softly, ignoring Sarek's glare. "Most parents wish to see themselves in their children."

Amanda smiled. "What makes you think I won't? I want him to look like his father because I love Sarek, not because I want him to look Vulcan. I'd want the same thing if Sarek were human. Besides, many of his facial and physical features are taken from my genetic code. Secar only engineered what he had to. Things like hair color and height and skin tone will all be mostly random."

"So long as you are happy," Salok stated firmly. "If you are, then I am content to begin work immediately."

Amanda smiled, her hand slipping into Sarek's under the table. "I'm so much more then happy. I've gotten more them my allocation of joy in that department." She felt Sarek's agreement hum through their joined hands. "Now, let's see what we can do about our son."


End file.
